Ignoring/Refusal

[JayGee]

DD is 6, but honestly has been like this since she was 2. I was really hoping she'd outgrow it, but no such luck.

Basically, she ignores all requests. Pretends she doesn't hear me or DH until we get angry. For example, yesterday she went to grab a jacket from where she had left it in the livingroom and I asked, "Please pick up the other clothes you left there and throw them into the laundry." She ignored my request, got her jacket and started walking toward the door to go outside. I repeated the request, and she ignored me again. I asked again, and with this look of disdain (what I refer to as her "F-you look") said, "I don't want to," and proceeded to march toward the door. I ended up blocking the door until she picked up her clothing from the middle of the livingroom and angrily put it in the laundry room.

One small example, and I suppose I could have put her laundry in the laundry room myself, but quite honestly, it's more about the attitude than anything else. She doesn't say, "No", she just pretends not to hear me and does whatever she pleases until I raise my voice at her. I don't want to raise my voice. I don't want to prevent her from leaving the room until she does what I've asked. But I want her to understand that we are a family, and we all need to do certain things to keep the family running smoothly. DS and DD2 had put their laundry away (to be honest, they did it without even being asked a first time, they just did it).

Anyway, these kinds of power struggles happen daily with DD1, and I fear for her teen years if she's giving me the "F-you Mom" look at age 6. Ugh.

[earthmama369]

DS (almost 4) does this, and has done this for a while. For him, it's a combination of personality, focus, and sensory issues (his auditory filter is nigh on nonexistent, so it's genuinely hard for him to focus on one voice when there are other noises at the same time). And yes, I already get the "eff you" look, too! From my three-year-old! He gets so focused on what he wants to do that anything interrupting that train of thought or action is really annoying to him, no matter how commonsensical or necessary that interruption might be.

We're working off a few different approaches with him. If the TV, computer, or radio is on and he ignores us, it goes off and we say our piece a second time with no interference. Yes, he gets mad sometimes, but if he can't hear us with it on, it needs to go off until the conversation is done. Physical touch. We often physically go up to him, touch his chin, point to our own chins, and say what we need to say. Yes, it gets old to have to get up to speak with him, but it gets his attention and breaks his focus on whatever it is he's focusing on. (Conversely, we try to respect that focus and wait to ask him to do something else if we can. Sometimes the kid needs to eat and we need to leave the house, though!) As far as attitude goes, though, I don't give a lot of leeway, because he can have a LOT of attitude. I'll generally call attention to it once and ask him to change his tone (or however the 'tude is coming out), and then we take a break from whatever he was doing until he can be more polite. And if I'm having one of those days where my temper's short, I give him fair warning that I'm not offering second chances and I expect him to make good choices the first time around rather than banking on that second chance. Because sometimes it really feels like he's pushing buttons, counting on a second chance, you know?

We're a work in progress, to be sure, and I expect we'll still be doing this at 6! But with a persistent, spirited kiddo, the repetition still works, it just takes a bit longer. I'm just starting to see things we initiated with him as a toddler kick in now, in a good way, like identifying his feelings when he's upset or angry and taking deep breaths rather than clocking his sister on the head.

[Just1More]

Are you POSITIVE she can hear you? If this has been persistent behavior for 4 whole years, I would wonder if maybe there wasn't something else going on? I mean, usually, don't kids at least change their venue of issue now and then?

If you are positive she can hear you, and there's nothing sensory like the pp suggested, I wouldn't repeat myself. And I wouldn't raise my voice. She waits until you raise your voice because she has built the habit and pattern that she doesn't HAVE to do what you ask until you raise your voice. So say it once, and mean it.

And, if my dd (who just turned 5), snottily said, "I don't want to," she would find herself with another chore to practice being cheerful while working for/with Mama. That kind of thing doesn't fly around here. (Except, if I suspected she was trying to say something else by saying "I don't want to." Sometimes they lack words to say what they really mean, and a little fishing is in order to be sure they are trying to have an attitude.)

Anyway, that's how I deal with attitude. Oh, you don't know how to conduct yourself in this situation...we'd better practice. Please go put those 3 toys away. Oh, more attitude? Remember, we don't act like that in our house. I respect you, and you respect me, and we all work together. Try again and take those dishes to the kitchen please. Etc. Etc. Etc. Until the attitude improved.

[One_Girl]

I think you should sit down with her at a time when you are not in conflict and tell her what the problem is, how it makes you feel, and ask her to come up with some ideas for solving the problem. If she can't come up with a solution then I think you should tell her that you are only going to say things once and you will expect them to be done before she is allowed to go on to something else. I think that it was a good idea to block the door until she did what you asked her to do. Is this something new or something that you have been doing all along? If you have been doing this all along and it is still an ongoing problem then I think you need to try to look for deeper reasons for this. If you tend to just do things for her when she appears angry or gives you a nasty look then I think you should stop and follow through with reasonable requests. Cleaning up after yourself is a reasonable request.

[Surfacing]

[lmk1]

One question...do you or dh do this? I mean "not hear". I have to admit both my dh and I get involved in something (usually our computers or a book), and we hear the other person speaking, but don't really hear what they say. At some point I expect to have this problem with ds, unless we can stop it in ourselves.

[JayGee]

Originally Posted by lmk1

One question...do you or dh do this? I mean "not hear". I have to admit both my dh and I get involved in something (usually our computers or a book), and we hear the other person speaking, but don't really hear what they say. At some point I expect to have this problem with ds, unless we can stop it in ourselves.

I think you're on to something here. I totally do this too . I should have known!!!!

[CherryBombMama]

i remember when i tried doing this with my mom. Believe me, i was sooooo sorry afterwards because not only did i get grounded but i had endless (what seemed like anyways, lol) chores thrown on top of my usual ones and i didnt get to do what i had originally wanted to. i never did it again...

now, my mom was on top of my attitude. years later with my younger brother, she completely relaxed (she said i wore her out haha) and my brother walk all over her and knows how to get away with it. once i saw him "ignore" her too, and she gave him the benefit of the doubt and let it slide, like she always did, but later he was laughing to me and said, "can you believe i actually get away with that!?" GGrrrr!

so i think she knows what she is doing

[ssh]

Very observant or persistent people often don't hear requests. I often have to make eye contact or touch my DH if he's busy before he actually hears me. So with my DD, age 4, I make eye contact if she doesn't respond to me. Another thing could be how you are asking your DD to do things. My DD is much more likely to do things if she understands why. I've talked to her about everyone picking up after themselves, and how no one wants to feel like the household 'cinderella' always picking up after everyone else. She still doesn't like picking up her toys but will help pick up just about anything else, including my DHs stuff.

[lifeguard]

I think the other thing to ask yourself is how often does her ignoring work for her? Do you or dh sometimes just give up on getting your point across & let her proceed & not have to fulfill your request? If it works for her at all then it is much more likely she will continue to do it.

I like the idea of sitting down & discussing it with her & making it clear from this moment on it will not be tolerated & then follow through. At first I bet she'll be pretty resistant but she'll catch on that your serious & hopefully stop the purposeful ignoring.

[Minxie]

For the example you cited above, here is an alternative that I have used.

"DS, please pick up your toys."

"I don't want to, Mom."

"No problem; I will be glad to do that for you. My fee for cleaning up toys is one remote-control crane (or whatever the favorite toy du jour is.)"

If I am really exasperated with the mess, I will tell him, "No problem; I will be throwing away all of the toys I pick up today." I did that once and threw away only one front-loader before he understood I was serious.

I try not to yell; we are naturally loud people and I am working on toning that down with him. It is particularly important to me to not yell when I am angry or upset with him; I tend to become extremely quiet and patient then. I have much more patience with him when he is pitching a fit than when he is just running around acting crazy. :grin

Oh, that reminds me! A friend once told me that she speaks very quietly to ask her children to do something. Every now and again she will quietly offer a treat but if they're not listening to her when she talks, of course they will miss out on whatever it might be. Her children learned very quickly to be attentive to what she has to say, without her yelling at all. HTH

[mom2grrls]

When speaking to her I would get close, touch her, wait for the eye contact, then speak. I don't know how others do it but when i'm telling someone to pick up after themselves I don't use please b/c it's not really a request KWIM? I say put your clothes in the hamper then you can go outside. If a problem still persists with how she's speaking to you or not cleaning up after herself I would wait for a calm time for the both of you and present the problem to her and the 2 of you offer suggestions on how to handle it. How to Talk so Kids Will Listen and Listen so Kids Will Talk is a great book for stuff like this