Quick responses to kid questions on "Delicate Topics"

[syn_ack89]

So, my 3yr is very curious and verbal...it's a wonder that he hasn't asked a question that I couldn't respond to in a way that reinforces what we'd like to teach (that people are people and should be treated well).

I am rather aspie and need to pre-plan for questions that could come. Please help me script out some rough ideas for responses to questions that might otherwise leave me flat-footed. Also, please suggest questions that I might not have thought of (and their responses).

Questions I probably need an answer to...

Why is that person black/brown/etc?

Why is that person in a wheelchair/using crutches/or otherwise visibly different?

Why is that person in the middle of the street (homeless in the medians, walking between cars)?

There have got to be other questions, but I just can't think of them (having a 6mo old means mommy's brain is tired). Help me out!!!

[AustinMom]

I think it depends on the three-year old's personality, intellect, and what you want them to know. Me, this is how I would answer.

(skin color?)-Their mommies and daddies had that same color of skin, so they make babies with that color of skin. (if she goes further and asks why did the mommies and daddies have that color skin) Because WAY back when their mommies and daddies lived in areas where having darker skin/lighter skin made them more protected from the sun. Like in Africa, people usually have darker skin so the sun doesn't hurt them as much as people in Europe have lighter skin.
(Or) Some people, the more you are out in the sun, the darker your skin will be.

(wheelchair, etc) Some people are born with disabilities where they can't use their legs like me or you. Or, some people hurt their legs and need a wheelchair, crutches, etc to get around instead of walking.

(person in street)That person doesn't have a home to live in. (if she asks why, give her an honest answer. If you don't know, say you don't know. )

I think it's always appropriate to respond to them with accurate information, possibly in a way they can understand. I always answer questions, as they are a natural part of living, and kids are curious. Especially questions on sex. Answer as much as they will ask, and be accurate.

That's my advice. HTH!

[Bug-a-Boo's Mama]

Originally Posted by syn_ack89

Questions I probably need an answer to...

Why is that person black/brown/etc?
People come in all different colors. You can add that their mothers or fathers might have the same skin color as them. DS recently realized that he and I are the same skin color where as DH is not (he is Hispanic). It was cute the way he asked.

Why is that person in a wheelchair/using crutches/or otherwise visibly different?
The person was injured, is older, has a sickness. Example, basic-Why does that person wear glasses? It helps him see. Some peoples eyes need help seeing or don't work as well as others.

Why is that person in the middle of the street (homeless in the medians, walking between cars)?
DS has asked this as we see them daily. I just tell him that they lost their jobs and don't have any money. He hasn't yet gone farther in those questions. If he asked to help them, I would say we could give them a snack (something we always have in the car). Or donate money somewhere.

There have got to be other questions, but I just can't think of them (having a 6mo old means mommy's brain is tired). Help me out!!!

And fully be prepared for how he got out of you. I was not at all prepared for that one. But I did answer him. Of course now he thinks that is how everyone gets out of the uterus which isn't the case, but I haven't gone there yet. But I kind of did distract him when he asked how he got there .

ETA~
I just told DH about DS asking about our skin colors. He did not find it funny. He said he didn't want to be different. Um okay. Everyone, me included, assumed that DS would have his skin coloring. So sorry that he actually didn't.

[NiteNicole]

I think short answers are best, especially for a three year old:

People come with lots of different colors of skin, just like hair and eye color.

Some people need help to get around, that person needs a chair to roll, crutches to lean on, etc.

That person doesn't have a home.

"I don't know" and "let's talk about this at home when I can answer all your questions" are both appropriate for follow up questions if you're in public.

Usually your kid really ONLY just wants the answer for the question he or she has asked. I think it's easy to feel like you have to come up with some brilliant statement that covers every possibility and permutation in the most correct way possible but really, we're talking little kids. You have a looooong time to build on his understanding of these topics.

I also remind my daughter that we don't point at people and we don't ask questions about people as if they're not there. They can hear you and it makes some people uncomfortable when you stare or ask personal questions. When you're at home, you can have a conversation about saving up questions for home. I'm still working on this. My daughter has just turned four. She's nosy and loud so we have a lot of conversations about how some things are none of our business but we can talk about her questions in the car/at home.

[zinemama]

Originally Posted by NiteNicole

I think short answers are best, especially for a three year old:

People come with lots of different colors of skin, just like hair and eye color.

Some people need help to get around, that person needs a chair to roll, crutches to lean on, etc.

That person doesn't have a home.

"I don't know" and "let's talk about this at home when I can answer all your questions" are both appropriate for follow up questions if you're in public.

Usually your kid really ONLY just wants the answer for the question he or she has asked. I think it's easy to feel like you have to come up with some brilliant statement that covers every possibility and permutation in the most correct way possible but really, we're talking little kids. You have a looooong time to build on his understanding of these topics.

I agree.

[MammaB21]

I also have a DD (4 years) who likes to talk, ask questions, and can be pretty inquisitive. Here are the answers I've used for these questions:

Skin color: Everyone is different, and skin comes in all different colors. If she continues to ask about it I've said something like, "we all have different authentic backgrounds and our skin color depends on where our ancestors lived in the world." That usually leads to other questions like, "what is an ancestor?" or "What does authentic mean?" It allows me to educate her about the topic without putting so much emphasis on the actual skin color, because personally I think that part is pretty minor and I'd like her to get that impression as well. It's a topic she is free to inquire about, but it isn't something that separates us as people.

Wheel chair etc: I usually say "I don't know." Because I don't. I don't know any better than she does what happened to him or her to require the use of the wheel chair. At that point I allow her to explore what the options are. She's said, "Well maybe he got hurt." I said, "Yes, maybe he did. Or sometimes when people are born they aren't able to walk. Maybe he was born that way."

Person in the street/walking: This is a strange one because we live in a big city where LOTS of people are on the street or walking. We came from a city where that was very rare so DD asked this a lot when we first moved. I never thought to talk about homeless people. I just said, "Why wouldn't they be walking? It's a nice day. Not everybody drives in a car, especially if they are going somewhere close. It saves gas and gas in the car is bad for our earth. Isn't it great to see so many people helping our earth?" Then the subject is changed. We now do a lot of walking/busing ourselves so she gets it. We have seen people on the street that have asked for money. In that case, I just state the obvious. They're asking for change because they don't have money to get on the bus, or to get something to eat. Maybe they lost their job, maybe they don't have a place to live. We help them when we can, and we say sorry and wish them a peaceful day when we can't help. It's life.

Now that I am pregnant, DD has been asking a lot about how the baby gets in the tummy. She has always known how it gets out since we talk pretty openly about stuff. I told her the daddy plants a seed in the mommies tummy and the seed meets up with an egg and together they make a baby. She wanted to know more. How did he plant it? So I said that when a mom and dad love each other they give each other a special hug/cuddle to make the baby. She asked if they do it naked (I tried not to laugh at that one). At that point I knew she was ready for more so I answered honestly and said yes, they do. That it is a very loving and private thing the mom and dad do together and that when GROWNUPS love each other and trust each other they can make the decision to have a baby. Some more minor details were involved and DD now pretty much knows how babies are made, but I believe she was ready and she is now satisfied and hasn't asked about it since.

I agree with a PP who said it really depends on your child and how much they want to know and are ready for. And imo, honesty is always the best policy.

[MusicianDad]

Note: I generally wouldn't say sickness for people in a wheelchair, because most people who use a wheelchair permanently don't consider themselves sick.

Skin colour: We all have different skin colours because out ancestors comes from different places. It's part of what makes us all unique.

Wheelchair/crutches/otherwise visibly different: They have an injury/disability that prevents them from walking the same way you and I do so they use the wheelchair instead.

Homeless person: That person doesn't have a home right now, so he is looking for money/a place to sleep.

[Smokering]

DD's just turned two, and has started making personal comments about people. She's not exactly at the age for questions yet, just statements. So usually it's pretty innocuous - "Dog!" or "Bike, two bikes!", but now the comments are getting slightly more personal. She'll say "Glasses!" or, if someone's in a wheelchair or mobility scooter, she'll get excited and say "Seat, chair!". And the other day we passed a guy with an admittedly rather ugly dog, and DD loudly proclaimed "NASTY dog! YUCKY dog!"

So I'm basically on tenterhooks waiting for her to say something untoward about someone's size, skin colour, missing limb, smell, hairstyle... She notices when babies and small children are crying, and wants to go watch - "Sad, see sad baby!" and she'll take off looking for it! Not too bad when it's an infant, but I'd hate to have her tell the world that a grownup was crying or shouting, you know?

So be grateful your son's questions are addressed to you rather than the world at large!

I was thinking about the wheelchair/mobility scooter question the other day, and wondered if it would be inappropriate to compare them to her pram. Like "You know how you ride in the pram sometimes? Well, some people get around in wheelchairs/mobility scooters". My thinking was it'd avoid the topic of sickness or injury before she was old enough to get it (and not point at everyone saying "Sick!"), and also normalise it to something she knows. But I don't want to infantilise mobility-impaired people either, so - what do you think?

[lolar2]

I'm mobility-impaired, somewhat, but I don't use any aids currently and haven't since DS was born. So far when DS (3yo) has asked about a wheelchair I say "it helps them go places." Once or twice he's said something about a "stroller" but I tell him "for grown-ups and big kids it's called a wheelchair" (so he gets that it's a non-baby thing). When the subject comes up I tell him that "it's hard for me to walk."

[annettemarie]

Moving to The Childhood Years

[LynnS6]

Here are my 'scripts'. I find that my kids generally need several levels of information. Sometimes (especially now that they're older), they'll ask for increasingly detailed information all at once. But when they were 3 or 4, they'd often get one response, mull it over for a while, and then ask for more information the next time the topic came up.

So, how much info you give depends a lot on your child. My kids are very inquisitive and always ask for more info.

I second the idea of explaining to your child that it's not polite to ask questions about people as if they're not there. If the person can hear us, then it's not polite to talk about them. But I have to say that often they asked these questions when there was no one around.

Why is that person black/brown/etc?
Stage 1 (Response to: Why is her skin that color?): People's skin colors come from their parents. That person has dark brown skin because their parents did. You have _____ (fill in the adjective) brown skin because Daddy and I do.

Stage 2 (Response to: Why did their parents have skin that color?): Everyone has something called 'melanin' in their skin. If you've got a little bit you're very light brown. If you've got a medium bit, you're medium brown, and if you've got a lot, you're dark brown. (If needed, you can explain that if someone has parents with different color skin, then they often end up somewhere in between.)

Stage 3 (Response to: Why do we/they have a lot/a little bit of that stuff in our skin?): There are different skin colors because people have come from different parts of the world. People's skin changed to help them live in the places where they were. People whose ancestors came from very sunny places have a lot of melanin because it helps protect their skin from the sun. People whose ancestors came from places where it wasn't so sunny need less melanin so they can get enough vitamin D.

Why is that person in a wheelchair/using crutches/or otherwise visibly different?

Stage 1 (Response to: Why is that person in a wheelchair?): The wheelchair help their body get where it needs to go.

Stage 2 (Response to: Why does their body need a wheelchair?): That person needs a wheelchair/crutches because their legs/body has trouble walking, and so the wheelchair helps them get places without walking.

Stage 3 (Response to: Why does their body need help walking/getting places?): I don't know that person's body has trouble walking. Sometimes people have an illness that makes it hard for them to walk, sometimes people were born that way and sometimes people have had an injury.

Any of these can be adapted to things like blindness "that person uses a cane because their eyes don't see/don't see very well and the cane helps them figure out where they are."

Why is that person in the middle of the street (homeless in the medians, walking between cars)?
Stage 1 (Response to: Why is that person in the road?): It looks like that person is asking for money from the drivers of the cars.

Stage 2 (Response to: Why are they asking for money): I don't know why they're asking for money. Sometimes people do that when they don't have a job and can't find a job.

Stage 3 (Response to Why can't they find a job): Sometimes there aren't any jobs or they don't know the right things. Sometimes people don't want a job. Sometimes people have an illness where their minds work differently and they have trouble working with other people. Sometimes people have an illness called addiction where their bodies crave alcohol or drugs and that makes it hard for them to keep a job.

Why is her tummy so big?/How do babies get made? (This one has some good books out there)
Stage 1: Mommies have a special place inside their body, called a womb, where a baby grows until they're ready to be born.

Stage 2 (Response to: How does the baby get into the womb?): Babies are made from an egg from mom and a seed from dad called a sperm. The egg and the sperm come together and make a baby.

Stage 3 (Response to: How do the egg and the seed get together?): Usually, the mommy and the daddy put daddy's penis inside mommy's vagina, and the sperm come out of daddy's penis. The swim up to where the egg is. When the sperm joins the egg, then it's called an embryo. The embryo comes down into the mother's womb and grows there.

Are you going to die?/When are you going to die?
I don't have a 3 stage response to this one, but mostly it's:
Yes, I will die someday. I'm taking good care of my body and being safe so that I hope I will live a long time.

Stage 2 is probably explaining what would happen to our kids if we died: If I die, Daddy will take care of you and your sister. If we both die, Aunt M and Uncle J will take care of you. So-and-so will take care of you until they can come.

Why does that man have no hair/why is his/her hair white?
Sometimes people like to shave their hair off, and sometimes, when you get older, your hair quits growing/quits getting color. Why? I don't know, that's just the way their body is made. It's one of those things that happens as we get older.
Other questions that my kids asked me at 3-4 that floored me:
How did the first person get born without a mother or a father?
Where does God live?