How do I relate to my daughter?

[lobster]

My daughter will turn two on Tuesday. From the start, she's been a totally different ballgame than my son. She is.... intense. She spent much of her babyhood crying and unhappy, although she was worn, breastfed, we co-slept (still do) - her needs were always attended to.

From about 1yr to 20-ish months, DD threw the most horrid tantrums. I attributed it to the fact that she couldn't talk and was obviously frustrated at being unable to make her needs & wants known.

Now that she's nearly two and talking, she is becoming a handful. She SCREAMS the most high-pitched, ear-shattering scream when she doesn't get her way. She flat out refuses to share with her brother, and screams in his face, slaps him, and pulls his hair multiple times per day. Every request is made with a whine, and if she is not given what she wants IMMEDIATELY, she starts hitting and crying. If I have to get up to pee in the morning while we are nursing, she screams the entire time until I crawl back into bed and reinsert the boob in her mouth.

I'm lost on how to guide her and deal with her. Everything that has ever worked with my son totally doesn't work for my daughter. Getting down at her level and speaking to her calmly only serves to piss her off. Acknowledging her feelings (as in, "I can see how angry you are right now!", etc) only inflames things. Trying to hold her, hug her, nurse her, or otherwise comfort her results in hitting, screaming, and hair pulling. The only thing I have found that works so far, is ignoring her while she freaks out until she calms herself down enough and comes to me for comfort - but that feels so WRONG a lot of the time! It is very hard to watch my daughter flailing around on the floor, kicking and wailing, without offering solace.

When she's not in a tiff, DD is the SWEETEST little thing you could ever imagine. When she decides to share with her brother, she is SO GENEROUS and giving. She has a fantastic sense of humour, she loves to snuggle, she is incredibly creative, and she always has a song to sing. She gives the greatest smiles that melt everyone's hearts and she plays beautifully with other kids when she's not freaking out. She loves her brother and hates to spend more than a short time away from him.

I would love to be able to help her have more of the wonderful times and less of the awful times, if that is possible. I'd like to find a way to discipline her that is a good fit for her fiery personality, but respectful and gentle. I'd like to help her communicate her wants & needs without immediately whining and crying and throwing tantrums. I'm at a loss, though - everything I try seems to fail with her!

Any input, commiseration, advice, etc. is greatly appreciate.

[ssh]

Have you read Raising Your Spirited Child by Mary Kurcinka? By spirited she means a more intense temperament. The first part of the book helps you identify temperament traits and the rest of the book is about using this understanding of your child to avoid things that trigger conflict and meltdowns. It's a very useful book.

[Mama2Bean]

Also Dr. Sears has a great book about high needs kids. Your DD really seems to fit his description, in the challenging and lovely ways as well. Big hugs to you, mama. I couldn't read and not respond.

[LynnS6]

Another good book is "The Emotional Life of the Toddler" -- I think there's a chapter on active/intense kids.

The Highly Sensitive Child might help too - it sounds to me like she's highly sensitive and easily overwhelmed.

As someone who had flailing on the ground tantrums as a child, and who has children who do this, I can tell you that there isn't much you can do. When I get like that, or when my kids get like that any interaction is simply overwhelming. Trying to talk to us adds stress. The best thing for you to do is to be her 'tree'. Calm and stable. Let her know you're happy to cuddle when she's done.

By not trying to talk her out of tantrum, you're doing several good things. You're not adding to her overload. You're also teaching her that her emotions are not scary. It's really scary to be that out of control. By staying calm and letting her be, you're showing her that you're not afraid of her emotions. As she gets older, she'll be better able to manage her emotions and her overload.

But don't be surprised if she still tantrums at 5 or 6. Mine does. She, too, is kind, generous and thoughtful. But when her emotions are overwhelming or when the world does not go according to her vision, she can get out of control. We still work daily on whining and calm voice. It's getting better.

But it's hard to have an intense kid. Just remember that it's also hard to be that intense kid.

[lobster]

Thank you all for your input - I will check out each and every book recommendation.

Our newest addition was born yesterday, and DD is so intensely in love with him that it's causing even more meltdowns - SHE wants to be the one holding him, changing him, nursing him, etc etc and she doesn't want anyone else to touch him!! At least she loves him rather than being jealous of him!

[lobster]

Originally Posted by LynnS6

But it's hard to have an intense kid. Just remember that it's also hard to be that intense kid.

Thank you - I do remind myself of that frequently. It can't be easy to have several meltdowns per day!

[enigo]

I second Raising Your Spirited Child. I recently read it and loved it. I almost cried by the time I was a couple pages in.

Often I would think that it was me. I mean, maybe I was doing everything wrong. (Co-sleeping, extended nursing, tending to his needs...whatever)
At this point I can not imagine what my son's life would have been like if I hadn't understood where he was coming from. I always knew he was more volatile than most kids, but I had started to think it was my fault.

After reading the book, I realized that the reason I understood him was that I had been a spirited child myself (Although I don't think they called it that ) and my tantrums were met more with returned screaming from my parents and hitting. No wonder I'm nuts.