New here and looking to adopt

[aydinsmama]

Hello =)
I thought I'd make a post to introduce myself.
I live in Southern California (orange county) with my husband and daughter (4) and we are in the middle of our pride training to adopt through foster care.

I am sure I will have many questions come up and will enjoy reading other's stories as well

At this point we are open to a sibling group or single child and under the age of 12 and we are ok with disabilities.

I wanted to start off by asking has anyone adopted a child older than your bio child? Do you have any good resources or info on this topic?

[mykdsmomy]

I'll jump in My *personal* opinion is that it's good to keep birth order. If your child in your home is 4, I would recommend adopting younger than 4.

I only say that because from our experience (and our friends), it can be extra challenging to bring in an older child. Your daughter may have a difficult time adjusting to being the "younger" sibling (hopefully that makes sense).

The other thing to keep in mind (and I have experience working with both LA and OC counties) is that the bios that are put up for these kiddos make them sound like they have few challenges when in fact, they may have some pretty significant behavioral challenges. You want to make sure that you are prepared to deal with those challenges having a younger child in your home.

I hope I'm not scaring you Feel free to IM or email anytime.

[SundayCrepes]

I've heard it's best to keep birth order because older children MAY victimize younger children, even if the parents are unaware of it. You don't want your little one to be hurt by older kids. Also, any child you adopt from foster care is going to be traumatized and probably have behaviors they will need to re-learn. You want your child to be oldest to be a role model of positive behaviors rather than your adopted children to be role models of negative behaviors to your younger child.

Obviously there are exceptions to every rule. However, I would not bring in a child older than my youngest.

[queenjane]

i have friends who have an 8 yr old and 5 yr old bio kids, and are adopting a 3 yr old, 4 yr old, and 6 yr old...so far its going fine, and frankly birth order is the least of their issues. They did have an older child as a sort of unofficial foster placement last year who was 12, who DID try to victimize their 5 yo and they had to have him removed from the home, but that boy had ALOT of issues.

I havent disrupted the birth order of my bio, but will be disrupting birth order of my adopted soon soon (if all goes well)...i have a 13 yr old bio, 2 yr old adopted son, and 2 yr old foster (soon to be adopted) son (two weeks younger than my AS...artificial twins, which is a huge issue in itself), and hopefully my fs 8 yr old sister will move in with us in june. That will "displace" my AS. however she has no issues whatsoever in terms of being appropriate with younger children, no sexual acting out, no aggression. The main things we will be working on are grief/loss issues and possibly some attachment type stuff (which is to be expected given her time in FC)...i think it will work out fine.

The advice usually given is to not adopt out of birth order, and i think its good advice. It certainly is the "safest" route. However, i think you'll find that lots of FPs do end up doing it, simply because of how kids come to their home (i dont know alot of foster parents who are, say, approved for ages 0-12, are placed with a 2 yr old, then say "ok i can only take under 2 now" usually they have lots of kids coming and going of all different ages in their range)....i also think alot has to do with the personalities of the children involved and the history of the child you are considering. An older child may have been separated from a sib your child's age (through no fault of their own), and be a wonderful and appropriate big sibling. Your bio child may relish their place as the "baby" in the family and do better with a much older sibling who doesnt compete for their exact spot in the family. It really just depends.

[lauren]

Welcome Aydinsmama. You've come to a great forum with experienced foster/adoptive mamas. Feel free to poke around in our two great resource (sticky) threads:

http://www.mothering.com/discussions....php?t=1120423

http://www.mothering.com/discussions....php?t=1120418

[aydinsmama]

thanks guys for the input, I appreciate it.
I will also look through those links

I should also mention our daughter we have is special needs (legally blind, anxiety issues and a sensory processing issue) So this will always be part of finding the right match and I can see why some of the older children with severe issues may not be the best to be a big sibling to her.


Thanks again for the input.