Somebody tell me that this doesn't matter.

[zannster]

I'm still PP and kind of hormonal, which doesn't help much here...

I had problems immediately following DD's birth. The placenta wouldn't come out, and I had to go to the ER. That took hours, and then I was lying in bed in pain and couldn't really nurse. Then I had to go back to the ER and ended up having major surgery. Long story short, I totally missed the whole bonding time.

I'm struggling with a lot of things right now. And one of them is I'm afraid DD and I don't have the bond that DS (my first) and I had. With him, I had a c/s but I got to see him and nurse very soon after the surgery. I feel we got off to a better start.

Does this bonding time really matter in the long run? My midwife has also suggested taking hot baths with DD (at amniotic fluid temperature), as if this will remind DD of being in the womb and somehow make up for our lack of early bonding. Sounds a little far-fetched to me, but I'm willing to try it if it will help.

I had such a close relationship with DS when he was little (one I am sadly mourning since I have a new little one to take care of, but that's another story), and I would hate to miss out on that with DD. Thoughts?

(I don't know if this is the best place for this - I also thought of putting it in Parenting or Ages & Stages...?)

[Pirogi]

I am sorry you had some unexpected things happen. You and your DD will bond just as well as you and your DS. Your experience this time was different, yes, but bonding doesn't happen exclusively in the first few hours. You have the rest of your lives to foster the bond. Hold your baby close, give her love, heal and help her heal too. Give yourselves some time and space to grieve what you lost. When you are ready, look toward your future together, and know that she loves you and you love her.

[CherryBomb]

Bonding is not an exact science, there's no magical formula. Plenty of moms have the text book perfect birth and bonding time and yet can't bond for months. Plenty of moms have emergency situations and long NICU stays and bond immediately.

My first baby was a c/s for fetal distress, I didn't hold her for four hours and had trouble breastfeeding, gave up quickly. No trouble bonding.

2nd baby was a HBAC turned emergency c/s for serious distress. She had seizures immediately upon birth, had massive brain damage from a prenatal stroke, spent 2 weeks in the NICU. I didn't get to hold her till she was 5 days old, didn't get to nurse her till she was 11 days old. No trouble bonding. I fell in love with her the moment I saw her.

3rd baby was an easy, epidural free hospital vba2c. She was placed on my chest immediately, I held her for over an hour, nursed right away, etc. Again, no trouble bonding.

I think there are a lot of factors that play into it. I don't think your feelings about mourning the loss of your ds's babyhood is another story at all. I think that could definitely impact your ability to bond with the new baby. And not for nothing, but stress and guilt over missing out on what you perceive as critical bonding time probably has more to do with it than missing that time itself.

[Marylizah]

Hey mama, many hugs to you, it sounds like you had a really rough time post-partum.

I'm not going to say it doesn't matter, because it clearly matters to you a lot.

I will say that going forward, there are a lot of things that you can do to promote bonding: breastfeeding, bathing together and carrying your baby as you go about your day will help.

I've never been someone who had an instant and immediate bond with her babies-- it seems to take me about 6 weeks to really feel bonded. And the things I mentioned are what helped me feel close to my baby. I think the initial moments are very important, but what's even more important is every moment that follows! You certainly aren't doomed to be less attached because of a rough post-partum period.

Hugs again.

[AnnaNova]

bonding is not something that only has a short window of time to occur. think adopted children - most bond perfectly with their parents even despite that child's age. babies are able to continuously form bonds throughout their lives ... take my son, because i have to work, he spends a lot of time with his grandma and their bond is very strong, and at times i think if i left for a number of days instead of a few hours, he wouldnt even notice.
try to focus now on everything that lies ahead of you and enjoy your little one rather than reliving the past, nurse, take baths with the baby, babywear him, sing to him, and try to let go off of the past.

[crunchy_mommy]

Bonding really takes place over time. When I think back to when DS was born 14mos ago, I *thought* we'd bonded within the first few days, but I feel like that wasn't at all the same bond as the bond we have now and I don't even know if it was really bonding or more just... survival. I had a traumatic birth & some pp issues and one thing that mentally helped me is one day a couple weeks after DS was born, I stripped him down (took off even the diaper) and just held him to my bare chest with a blanket wrapped around us. It might sound silly but that was one of the things I didn't get to do -- I never got to have him placed on my chest immediately after birth, so I wanted to kind of recreate that experience, for both our sakes. So little things like that may help... and also like I said, remember that bonding isn't a one-day affair... it happens over time and it strengthens & multiplies exponentially with every day you spend with your little baby.

[laohaire]

I chemically bonded with DD when she was rotating her shoulders to be born - it clicked, like, I LOVE HER!! I hadn't even seen her yet.

But after she was born, I had placenta problems - 3 grueling hours of trying to get the thing out. Midwife applying more traction than she wanted to, making me sit on my tear since it was the only thing that caused contractions. (In my state she is not allowed to carry pitocin). Then after that, I had to go to the ER to get my tear sewn up. I left my baby at home with my mother and my midwife's assistant because I was afraid of bringing her to the ER. I don't know how long it took but it was HOURS. DD was born at 6pm and I came home from the ER at 2am. And then I was so exhausted I let my mother take the baby to sleep with her, and I fell asleep until my mother made me wake up at 11am. So not what I planned at all.

Oh, and breastfeeding was - surprise - a big problem since that wasn't prioritized. My poor baby went hungry for days.

Bonding is, even with the chemical boost, something that takes time. DD is 4 years old now and I feel totally bonded with her.

DH didn't have the chemical boost. He is totally bonded with her.

It will be ok, this is a marathon and not a sprint. Even if you briefly tripped on the starting line, its effect will be very small - or none - over the course of the marathon.

[Right of Passage]

I had a hard time bonding with DS2. I bonded much easier with DS1 who was born by c-section. I felt DS1 was the only person that was more traumtized by his birth than I was and the only one that really went through it with me. I saw him right away but he was taken away and I didn't see him for hours. I will say we also took a lot of baths together, I can't say if that played a role or not.

DS2 was born vaginally, very intense birth. Homebirth planned, non-emergent transfer. He nursed within an hour of being born. Everything was there for bonding to begin, and it did it just bloomed slower. Actually he's this way with everyone. It takes him months of constant contact with anyone to grow an attachment or bond.

DS3 I bonded instantly, so far he's easy going and loves just about anyone that will hold him. So I wonder if it's personality that plays a role in bonding.

[Kelly1101]

Originally Posted by zannster

I'm still PP and kind of hormonal, which doesn't help much here...

I had problems immediately following DD's birth. The placenta wouldn't come out, and I had to go to the ER. That took hours, and then I was lying in bed in pain and couldn't really nurse. Then I had to go back to the ER and ended up having major surgery. Long story short, I totally missed the whole bonding time.

I'm struggling with a lot of things right now. And one of them is I'm afraid DD and I don't have the bond that DS (my first) and I had. With him, I had a c/s but I got to see him and nurse very soon after the surgery. I feel we got off to a better start.

Does this bonding time really matter in the long run? My midwife has also suggested taking hot baths with DD (at amniotic fluid temperature), as if this will remind DD of being in the womb and somehow make up for our lack of early bonding. Sounds a little far-fetched to me, but I'm willing to try it if it will help.

I had such a close relationship with DS when he was little (one I am sadly mourning since I have a new little one to take care of, but that's another story), and I would hate to miss out on that with DD. Thoughts?

(I don't know if this is the best place for this - I also thought of putting it in Parenting or Ages & Stages...?)

It's okay. I've heard very varied stories of when and how the real "bonding" happened, and there is no "right" way to do it. I mean, people who adopt sometimes don't even meet the infant until they are weeks old or more, and they still bond just fine.

It sounds like you had a really rough experience, and processing that may be causing a hang-up in your mind. You may have to come to terms with what happened to you (sounds like it was very scary) before moving on to developing a great relationship with your new child. Whether that is writing about it, talking to someone about it, therapy, whatever works for you.

But I wouldn't worry about not getting the immediate bonding time. You can bond with your baby at ANY time. If possible, get your parents or inlaws or other family to come over and spend some extra time with your other child, so that you can have some relaxing time focusing just on the baby.


If you keep feeling "off," make sure you know the signs of PPD, just in case there is something chemical going on.

[emmalizz]

.

[kathan12904]

I had a lot of bonding problems with dd after traumatic c/s birth. I thought I would never feel right with her. I needed her to need me and she was a daddy's girl for the first two years. Now she's six and everything is all good. I didn't even notice when things changed, but they did. Now I've got a new baby who will settle for no one but me, and I'm faced with the grass is always greener. More importantly than your relationship with baby that will definitely bloom in its time, I'd make sure you are taking care of yourself and dealing with your experiences. I struggled with some pp depression after my c/s birth and that was a big part of my difficulties with baby. Baby's are born to love and do it with vigor, its mama's that have the long range emotional baggage that gets in the way of life.

[zoebird]

it's not magical, that time.

it helps, certainly, but it isn't the only way to bond. think of mothers who adopt babies. every adoptive mother i know *loves* the stuffing out of their adopted babies, and they didn't carry and birth and have that "special bonding window."

i think that in your situation, i would be concerned with PPD. the only reason i would be is because of what you went through, which is making it difficult to process what you went through and then also bond with your daughter.

but you will be ok, mama. you did what you needed to do to keep yourself safe and healthy so that you could be there for your children. it was the absolute right thing to do.

go easy on yourself. take time to rest and cuddle with your baby--in baths or not. just spending time skin-to-skin can help a lot. ask for help if you need it, and don't worry about it.

you're a great mama to your DS and your DD. the bond is just different, and is coming differently. it's ok.

[rabbitmum]

It doesn't matter!

The same thing happened to me at the birth of my youngest son. But I bonded just as well and just as quickly with him as I did with his older brother who was born unassisted at home with no problems. While the oldest nursed happily without problems right from the start, it took weeks before I got the hang of nursing the youngest one.
But the bond was just as strong, nevertheless.

[curvyred]

I'm sorry things got off to a rough start for you.

I am one of those adoptive parents referenced here. I MET DS when he was two days old. I DO believe that bonding is a process and there can be many experiences and moments that complicate and/or facilitate that process.

Just keep doing the work of bonding--lots of good ideas referenced here--and it will come. In may of the ways that moms on this site reference bonding, we were WAY behind. I'm not biologically mom. We didn't meet until days after birth, didn't spend consistent time together until five days old. I didn't smell right, look right, sound right. We started off in a strange place, visited mom again, then left, took a long plane trip, came home to new place. From a baby's perspective, there was no "coming home" to anything familiar. It was ALL different.

And yet . . . my DS is MY boy. I'm expecting in June and while I do believe that those initial moments can be important, I know that bonds are formed over days and weeks and months and years. My boy is mama's boy. Though my next son and I will bond in ways that DS1 and I do not have, I cannot believe that it would be possible for me to love him more, nor for him to love ME more than my DS does. If anything, I have the typical worried about being able to love a second child as much as my first. IT seems impossible!

So . . . hard as it is, grieve what you feel are your losses, but don't stand in the way of your own progress. Do the work of bonding and it will come!

[zannster]

Thanks everyone. This is encouraging. I do want to say that I'm not so worried about me not bonding with her (though it *is* harder than it was with DS), but I thought maybe she might not bond as well with me. This recovery has been so much harder and longer than my first. Many people have taken care of her since birth, and I've quite willingly handed her off to grandmas on many occasions because she was just too much for me to handle. Everything is so different than it was the first time around - which certainly wasn't ideal either, but I guess I had a different personality baby then. He loved to nurse and he loved to be with me, even with a somewhat hard start. Maybe DD and I just haven't quite gotten there yet.

[Kelly1101]

Well, speaking from speculation (because my second child is still on the inside) but I think that may just be a function of having more than one child. I imagine that this time it will be not be the same as it was when my baby was THE baby, the only child, the only one in my life.

[justKate]

Originally Posted by zannster

Long story short, I totally missed the whole bonding time.

No you didn't. Maybe you'll bond differently with your new LO. Of course your first is different--you're scared, he's scared, you work through the newborn phase together. Your DD has the benefit of your experience with nursing, and she is very lucky that you have people around to help. I think its very natural for the other caregivers in the family to lend a hand immediately PP, and I think newborns somehow anticipate this. Totally unfounded maybe, but it seems "natural" for grandmas to help to me.

As for bonding, as you know it comes in different ways. I didn't feel like DD was my child at all for months. While the birth experience does matter, it is by no means the end-all for bonding. I think personality has a lot to do with it.

BTW, congrats on your new baby!

[sanguine_speed]

[JessicaS]

Originally Posted by zannster

Thanks everyone. This is encouraging. I do want to say that I'm not so worried about me not bonding with her (though it *is* harder than it was with DS), but I thought maybe she might not bond as well with me. This recovery has been so much harder and longer than my first. Many people have taken care of her since birth, and I've quite willingly handed her off to grandmas on many occasions because she was just too much for me to handle. Everything is so different than it was the first time around - which certainly wasn't ideal either, but I guess I had a different personality baby then. He loved to nurse and he loved to be with me, even with a somewhat hard start. Maybe DD and I just haven't quite gotten there yet.

It doesn't matter.


The day after my son was born he was taken to the NICU in another hospital across town. I was very upset and crying my eyes out. The hospital couldn't let me go with him because I had a rather rough c/s and was having blood transfusions.

I didn't see my son until the next evening when they sent me home (I was released early) and I was so worried if he would not know me.

When I saw my son he was on an IV because they were draining his tummy and he turned to me and made his little rooting face. I did start crying my eyes out all over again because I couldn't nurse him, but I was so relieved he remembered me.

I do think there were times that I was holding him as an infant that we were communicating with our eyes and the more those ties that bind us strengthened but I think that is a natural process that happens with every parent and child.

[crunchy_mommy]

Originally Posted by sanguine_speed

It was surreal, like I'd lost my baby...where was this baby I had just birthed?

Wow I sure remember that horrible feeling... And DS was only taken from me for about 7 hours? But it was the worst 7 hours of my life, I felt so empty, so lost. I can't imagine a week or more of that feeling.

OP, I'm glad we've encouraged you some, I promise you your baby WILL bond with you. It may seem to happen overnight or it may happen slowly, day by day, week by week, but one day you won't believe you ever doubted it!!