Help me figure this out about Dh please. - Page 2

[doubledutch]

Originally Posted by thelongneck

i don't think i'll get a wqord out of him if i set this up as a big discussion.

so don't make it about him. make it about your needs. dtd more than 5 times in a year is a valid need. having some foreplay and/or emotional intimacy before and/or after sex is a valid need. he's currently either not willing or not able to meet those needs. you choose how to respond to that. you could offer to try to work it out in counseling, or if he's not willing to work on it, then i guess you decide whether you're willing to stay in the marriage. or whether he's willing to allow some kind of open marriage so that your needs are met.

i think you're right that, at this point, you aren't going to get an explanation. so focus on what you need and how to have your needs met.

[jeteaa]

Many couples after kids only have sex once every few months. No, its not healthy, but it does not mean something HUGE is wrong. I would not conclude he is gay at all.

[La Sombra]

How to talk to him?

Just do it.

That sounds really obvious and unhelpful because the truth is I know EXACTLY what you mean and how you feel when you say that you don't know what to say or how to say it. Let me back up:

I won't go into too much detail because my situation is/was not exactly the same as yours but my X and I had serious, long-term intimacy issues that we both effectively avoided addressing even though they worried and bothered me for a long time. Some stuff in my life (loooong story!) got me thinking about this stuff, and got me into therapy, and forced me out of my own denial about things. With my therapist's urging, I simply sat down with then-dh one day and, heart thumping, told him that we had intimacy issues and they were really troubling me and we needed to talk about them.

It was SOOOOOOO hard. But every time after that it got easier, even though in our case it didn't end happily for us as a couple.

But me learning not to live in denial anymore and to communicate my worries was SO LIBERATING. I wish I could tell you how good you will feel if you sit him down and just tell him exactly what you feel.

YOU DESERVE TO FEEL HAPPY AND SECURE IN YOUR RELATIONSHIP, I promise you this.

It is SOOOOO scary because you DON'T know where it will lead. Maybe he is gay. Maybe he isn't in love with you. Maybe he is just really repressed and isn't willing to explore the reasons for that and work through them. All of these possibilities are frightening.

But it is a brave woman who believes (like you obviously do, in your heart of hearts) that she needs to confront the truth no matter how dark it is because living with the truth--no matter how scary--is better than living a lie.

When you confront the truth, you are honoring your own feelings and spirit and you are opening your life to tremendous feeling and possibility. You have no idea the doors you are opening for yourself if you do this.

There are no magic words to say or no magic way of saying any of this that will make it easy, darling. IT IS GOING TO BE SCARY AND IT IS GOING TO BE HARD. Especially if you, like me, have lived in denial for so long. The only way to do it is to take a deep breath and OPEN UP. Make the words come out. Let the truth fill the room. Honor your feelings and your spirit.

I think you are a very brave woman and I wish you the best of luck.

[thelongneck]

Originally Posted by jeteaa

Many couples after kids only have sex once every few months. No, its not healthy, but it does not mean something HUGE is wrong. I would not conclude he is gay at all.

I agree with you one hundred percent. What I do not agree with is the reluctance to change the arrangement when one partner is obviously unhappy. And has told the other partner so. That's when I think things are wrong in a marriage.

Also, I will NOT conclude he is gay until he TELLS me in as many words. Or I find him in bed with a guy I'm merely trying to make sense of this.

[thelongneck]

Thank you, La Sombra for the encouraging words. Just writing this thread has been scary and liberating like you said. It's so personal that even acknowledging it to strangers feels like a blow to my pride, my dignity, my confidence, my marriage. However, I was stifled within myself not letting it out and this thread has helped somewhat, in addition to giving me a lot to think about.

I would love love love to sit and talk. I really would. And heart thumping or not, I would do ii...believe me, I have tried before. As soon as I say can I talk to you, he will say "sure" without eye contact. Then he will start rearranging furniture or fluffing pillows or picking up crumbs, whatever to get away from what he no doubt perceives as interrogation of some kind. I need a way to be able to get through to him about how serious this is *for me*.

Sigh, I think I've answered my own question. We need third-person mediation.

ETA: I wish this were all about the sex only. It's not. The lack of sexual intimacy, *I think*, is the cause for our lack of intimacy in the relationship in general. I don't want my boys to grow up thinking that's how a marriage is. A chore.

[A&A]

Originally Posted by thelongneck

Thank you, La Sombra for the encouraging words. Just writing this thread has been scary and liberating like you said. It's so personal that even acknowledging it to strangers feels like a blow to my pride, my dignity, my confidence, my marriage. However, I was stifled within myself not letting it out and this thread has helped somewhat, in addition to giving me a lot to think about.

I would love love love to sit and talk. I really would. And heart thumping or not, I would do ii...believe me, I have tried before. As soon as I say can I talk to you, he will say "sure" without eye contact. Then he will start rearranging furniture or fluffing pillows or picking up crumbs, whatever to get away from what he no doubt perceives as interrogation of some kind. I need a way to be able to get through to him about how serious this is *for me*.

Sigh, I think I've answered my own question. We need third-person mediation.

ETA: I wish this were all about the sex only. It's not. The lack of sexual intimacy, *I think*, is the cause for our lack of intimacy in the relationship in general. I don't want my boys to grow up thinking that's how a marriage is. A chore.

or write him a letter? That often works for me when I have difficulty talking to dh, for whatever reason.

[Oubliette8]

I think it could be any number of things- maybe he is gay, maybe he has some sort of fetsh, or maybe he is ashamed of sex and was taught its only for procreation. Its also possible he has some sort of sexual abuse history, males report sexual abuse even less than females and it can certainly cause intimacy issues, along with a lot of shame. If thats the case, hinting that he might be gay might make him feel even worse. I would probably not speculate and just present him with what you know- that you aren't satisfied with your sex life, that you're concerned for him (not about him, but for him), and that you'd like to see a marriage counselor to try and help you guys figure out whats going on and how to fix it.

[Storm Bride]

My ex is gay. We did have problems with a lack of sex life. However, he was very physically affectionate - hugs, kisses, cuddles, etc. That was one of the reasons i stayed with him as long as I did...maybe the main reason. He didn't know he was gay, and he only came out of the closet a couple of years ago...and we split up in 2000. I had no idea.

Your situation honestly sounds - with the background you've given and everything - like he could be gay (the only reason I say that is the yearbook thing, though - and that could be almost anything...I had a grad classmate who put something about the night we spent in his hot tub in mine!). However, it sounds far more likely, at least to me, that he's seriously ashamed of sex - just everything about sex. He might even have trouble with getting sexual with you because he loves you. If he's been ingrained with a particular kind of "sex is bad and dirty" thinking, then having sex with you is...defiling you, I guess is the word? I'm not saying it is that, but all the blushes and refusal to talk about sex do sound to me like someone who thinks it's wrong to even be a sexual human being. Masturbating is okay, because it doesn't "degrade" a partner...

I have no idea if any of this is even remotely close to accurate, but it was the impression I got reading your OP.

[CliffRose]

Originally Posted by thelongneck

Yeah, we've never discussed fetishes or fantasies, ever. How do I look for or get in touch with a therapist who specialises in these issues?

I know a few people in that work area, if you wanna post or pm me your location, or the closest city, I can maybe help you find someone. I'll also try to put together a reading material list. Is it ok if I pm you?
If he does have a fetish or unusual kink, you might get weirded out. Please don't react negatively, or you might shut him forever. My ex said things about other people's sexual behaviors (like porn watching, bondage, etc) that got me scared of being honest with him.
There are many healthy and balanced individuals who like stuff like that, and if you can accept it and play with it, he'll be so grateful!

[LROM]

I guess for me the missing piece of info to be able to give you my opinion is... what was your intimacy like when you first met? When you got married? Before your 1st baby?

I ask because I think there's a difference between hot and heavy intimacy initially (or even just super connected intimacy even if it's not "hot and heavy") vs. barely any intimacy at all being the way it's been all along.

So, how's it been with you guys historically? What was it like in the beginning?

Also, have you ever asked him what he thinks about when he masturbates? Have you ever told him that given his lack of intimacy with you, it's important to you as his partner to understand what is turning him on these days, so you'd like ot know what he thinks about? WHO he thinks about? And you can tell him you won't be offended if it's not you.

Have you tried that?

[A&A]

Hope things are ok.

[thelongneck]

i thought i'd update for ladies who were following this thread. sorry, i've been occupied and haven't visited the board.

so turns out dh ISN'T gay after all. we had a long chat (quite amiably, actually) and he laughed when i outright asked him the question. of course he could see that i'd been struggling to bring it up all day and it musta been a relief to him to hear that it wasn't something he couldn't tackle he had a perfectly logical explanation for the yearbook thing. like another pp said, he had no idea why that particular guy wrote something like that and dh was like, "if there had been sthg going on between us do you think i'd have given him a PUBLIC yrbook to write all that in and do you think i'd have KEPT it for you to find after all these years?"

he says that he's not interested in dtd only because he's so stressed at work and bone tired when he gets home that all he wants to do after putting the kids to bed is to zone out for a half hr before bed. dtd, while fun, is also when he has to worry about my pleasure etc. so it feels like work to him.

so anyway, while we still have to work on the physical intimacy, i'm glad it's not because of any unalterable orientation issues.

[rabbitmum]

Good for you! Good luck!

[aslyn]

Well I didnt read the entire thread, But I just wanted to say it's great that you guys hashed it out!

DH and I have been married for 10 yrs and we have gone through a buttload of times when things werent clicking on the sex end. We are both highly sexual people but with kids and life and stress it gets thrown on the back-burner. When one of starts to feel "neglected" we start bickering til it all comes out and we have a heart to heart. Sometimes even just watching a movie together after the kids are in bed is enough to re-spark the intimacy feeling we need to move forward.

Marriage is work, but its worth it if you honestly love someone.