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Bad parent moment need advice. - Page 2

post #21 of 67
I don't want to be my kid's friend..I am their parent. If they get mad because I won't let them have hickies, sex, ect then they get mad. I am not going to let them make the rules.

I think the teen years are not the time to leave them to their own..or stay out of it. That is the problem with so many teens today..their parents let them make too many choices too soon. Staying out of it could lead to sex and pregnancy. I am not ready to raise a grandbaby/ies at this point. Remember this boy is in 8th grade..that is really young. If a girl gets pg and she doesn't take care of it..most boys are not ready at that age.



My mother raised my nieces and nephews and I had to do a lot of parenting too while at home.. because my sister never wanted to be a mom..but loves every guy she meets.

My girls have tried to sneak and lie..they are learning that we will keep getting stricter if they do this. I plan on doing what it takes to raise them the best I can. I am not going to throw my hands up and say "I can't stop my kid from getting hickies, pg, ect..

I think my kids need to establish themselves before dating and being influenced by someone else. I think it is my role as a good mother to try to teach them to respect themselves and their bodies.


You do have a choice Robin
post #22 of 67
Quote:
Originally Posted by ikesmom View Post
I don't want to be my kid's friend..I am their parent. If they get mad because I won't let them have hickies, sex, ect then they get mad. I am not going to let them make the rules.

I think the teen years are not the time to leave them to their own..or stay out of it. That is the problem with so many teens today..their parents let them make too many choices too soon. Staying out of it could lead to sex and pregnancy.
Having sex leads to pregnancy. Staying out of it has nothing to do with it. I don't involve myself in ds1's love life at all. He's not having sex. Lots of teens whose parents do involve themselves are having sex. It's not about being a friend, not a parent. It's about recognizing that our teens are sexual beings. We can't make them not be.

Quote:
I am not ready to raise a grandbaby/ies at this point. Remember this boy is in 8th grade..that is really young. If a girl gets pg and she doesn't take care of it..most boys are not ready at that age.
Agree. I'm not sure what that has to do with flipping out on a couple of early teens exploring their sexuality and telling them they're "trashy and slutty".

Quote:
My girls have tried to sneak and lie..they are learning that we will keep getting stricter if they do this.
Okay. I truly hope that works for you. I have to say that, ime, it very rarely does. You know what the guys I went to school with called girls from very strict family backgrounds? "Nymphos". I had a guy tell me once he loved it when a girl told him she wasn't allowed to date, because it meant she'd "put out". I don't think that's always true, but parental strictness about sex is almost always counterproductive, ime.

Quote:
I think my kids need to establish themselves before dating and being influenced by someone else. I think it is my role as a good mother to try to teach them to respect themselves and their bodies.
But, what you're teaching them is that it's up to someone else (you) what they do with their bodies. How does that foster self-respect? This sends the message that they need to ignore their own sexuality.

And, I'm not sure what any of that has to do with the OP. There's no way that flipping out at someone and calling their behaviour "trashy and slutty" is going to foster respect of any kind.
post #23 of 67
Quote:
Originally Posted by ikesmom View Post
That is the problem with so many teens today..their parents let them make too many choices too soon.
I totally disagree. I think the problem with teens to day are two fold. First, they are teens, and while a lot of people like to pretend they are some how radically different than teens 30 years ago, I just don't see it. Second, parents don't spend enough time with their kids. Just time -- playing board games, going for walks, going out for coffee WHAT EVER!. I think that just *time* is very important.

My parents had a ton of rules and it really didn't work for me. When I left home (still as a teen) I had nothing to build on. I'm far more concerned with teaching my DDs to how to make good choices rather than dictating stuff to them for the very, very short period of time that I can get away with that. It really gives them nothing to build their lives with.

I talk to my DDs about the emotional impact of becoming sexual with another person and how to access birthcontrol (either without my help or by asking me for their insurance card).

I parent my kids, but I'm realistic about the fact ultimately they will make their own choices with their lives.
post #24 of 67
Quote:
Originally Posted by ikesmom View Post
My girls have tried to sneak and lie..they are learning that we will keep getting stricter if they do this. I plan on doing what it takes to raise them the best I can. I am not going to throw my hands up and say "I can't stop my kid from getting hickies, pg, ect..
While I can hear in your post that you care about your kids, this quoted part makes me really sad for you dd's. I guess the way it relates to the OP is that somehow there is a sense that we as parents can prevent hickies, making out, interest in other young adults that may or may not have a sexual component to it. I don't think it's respectful, and I also think that you're assuming too much power here. Ultimately our kids are going to be out there on their own, making good choices and bad. Why are your dd's sneaking and lying?
post #25 of 67
Quote:
Originally Posted by ikesmom View Post
I don't want to be my kid's friend..I am their parent. If they get mad because I won't let them have hickies, sex, ect then they get mad. I am not going to let them make the rules.

I think the teen years are not the time to leave them to their own..or stay out of it. That is the problem with so many teens today..their parents let them make too many choices too soon. Staying out of it could lead to sex and pregnancy. I am not ready to raise a grandbaby/ies at this point. Remember this boy is in 8th grade..that is really young. If a girl gets pg and she doesn't take care of it..most boys are not ready at that age.



My mother raised my nieces and nephews and I had to do a lot of parenting too while at home.. because my sister never wanted to be a mom..but loves every guy she meets.

My girls have tried to sneak and lie..they are learning that we will keep getting stricter if they do this. I plan on doing what it takes to raise them the best I can. I am not going to throw my hands up and say "I can't stop my kid from getting hickies, pg, ect..

I think my kids need to establish themselves before dating and being influenced by someone else. I think it is my role as a good mother to try to teach them to respect themselves and their bodies.


You do have a choice Robin
By the time I was 14 I had far more freedom then most teens, by 15 every choice made about my life was mine. Anecdotal, yeah, but but my dad never had trouble with me being sneaky. He voiced his opinion and trusted me to make the right choice because he spent his time before that raising me to be an adult. Guess what? I rose to the challenge. Yeah I made mistakes, who doesn't, but I fixed my own mistakes and dealt with the consequences myself. At 17 I moved out with DH and became a step-dad. Yeah my dad was a parent, he was also a friend, and he was someone I could trust to not impose his view of the world on me when I was having trouble coming to a decision. He was someone I could trust not to react negatively when he 'caught' me doing something he didn't agree with. And for all of that, I gave him the benefit of the doubt and took his opinion seriously.

On the other hand, DH's parents were very big on not letting him have any control over his life. And just like you, the more he snuck around the stricter they got. He was a full-time single dad at 16, his gf had no desire to be a parent so he took over. For all they refused to admit he was not a child, he proved himself an adult when it mattered.

My experience from watching friends is the stricter you are with teenagers, the more they rebel. They do that because they are not children, and treating them as incompetent in making their own choices only results in them making dumb choices because the only other option is to lose their autonomy to their parents.

I hope it works out for you, but I honestly cannot see it being all that successful.
post #26 of 67
Add: I also remember hearing in a sociology class once that teens who are given very strict rules by their parents are more likely to go overboard when they move out and get into serious trouble because they aren't allowed to "test the waters" so to speak. They are so used to being controlled, they haven't yet learned how to control themselves.
post #27 of 67
I have an 18yo son and a 16yo daughter. And, quite honestly - not a heck of a lot of rules. We have basics, which we all pretty much abide by. Yes, I like to know where they are and with whom - so that if I NEED to reach them, I'll be able to. I provide them the same courtesy. If, God forbid, something were to happen and one of us couldn't reach the others, we'd know who else to try getting hold of.

When it comes to sexual activity - we talk A LOT. And have for quite a while. I don't judge, I don't condemn. I give them my thoughts and why I think it would be better for them to hold off on being sexually active. Lots of talk about their goals and aspirations and how a pregnancy would impact them, etc. But with the understanding that *I* cannot make that choice for them.

And ya know... they actually TALK to me. I know what every one of their friends is up to - the good and the bad. And again - I provide my input. It's worked so far!
post #28 of 67
oh my
post #29 of 67
mtiger - I hope to have that kind of relationship with my kids into their teen years.
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post #30 of 67
Wow
Wow
Wow

God bless you all..and Robin I hope you work it out with your boy and that you can both feel good about your decision.
post #31 of 67
Quote:
Originally Posted by Storm Bride View Post
parental strictness about sex is almost always counterproductive, ime.
It was here. I never once had any sort of talk with either of my parents about dating/sex/birth control/etc. At 17 years old my parents found out I was having sex (and drinking and... and... we won't go there). What did they do? Ground me. So much easier to ground a child than to actually TALK to them. They grounded me until my 18th birthday (at which time they had no control over me, and knew it). I was only allowed to go to school (with a parent dropping me off and picking me up) and work (again, a parent dropping me off and picking me up). I couldn't see my friends ever outside of school.

I was dating ds's bio-dad at the time. He was not in school so I wasn't "allowed" to see him.

But did being grounded stop that? Nope. I would sneak out of school and he'd come pick me up and bring me back to his house (and you can imagine what happened there...). I would be back to school before my dad came to pick me up. Ex would come pick me up at school and we'd *ahem* be frisky in the parking lot of my school. My 18th birthday came and I went right back to hanging out with all my friends (including ex), like nothing had ever happened.

I was pregnant before my 19th birthday hit Still to this day (I'm 26), I've never talked to either parent about sex.
post #32 of 67
Quote:
Originally Posted by chiromamma View Post
Ummm. So I'm going to stick my neck out here so to speak.
Having given and received many a hickey in my teenage years, I don't get the big deal. If you feel like it needs to be covered, get out the make up. Make him wear a turtle neck.
I never dated until college and I don't get the big deal either. I mean, if they'd specifically broken a rule to not do xyz, I could see being upset at them breaking the rule. But if they were just supposed to keep it "PG", then :


How about having him invite her to something where you can actually meet her?

In my family it was "we don't date, well group dates with a crowd would be okay, until 16 in our family. While we know YOU can be trusted, waiting until you're 16 makes sure that you'll be able to handle it if, God forbid, someone you date is less than honorable."

As it's worked out, I didn't date until nearly 18 and married him (baby after almost 8 years of marriage). My little brother started going on group dates at 15 and is marrying her this Sept (: on a niece or nephew about 9 months later ).
post #33 of 67
Anyone else here starting to appreciate how hard it must be to be the MIL?

In my humble opinion, your best bet is to keep the channels of communication open. Still, I can relate - I was a bit miffed a couple of weeks ago when my daughter had a visitor who reportedly left at 5:30h whom I had never met before.

I'm not "staying out of it", I'm trying to communicate to my daughter that it's her body and her decision and I've brought up contraceptives. (She's almost 17 with a recently aquired boyfriend.) While I don't want to actively "encourage" her I'd much rather she tried "it" with appropriate protection and our roof over their heads (instead of in some parking-lot).
post #34 of 67
Quote:
By the time I was 14 I had far more freedom then most teens, by 15 every choice made about my life was mine. Anecdotal, yeah, but but my dad never had trouble with me being sneaky. He voiced his opinion and trusted me to make the right choice because he spent his time before that raising me to be an adult. Guess what? I rose to the challenge. Yeah I made mistakes, who doesn't, but I fixed my own mistakes and dealt with the consequences myself. At 17 I moved out with DH and became a step-dad. Yeah my dad was a parent, he was also a friend, and he was someone I could trust to not impose his view of the world on me when I was having trouble coming to a decision. He was someone I could trust not to react negatively when he 'caught' me doing something he didn't agree with. And for all of that, I gave him the benefit of the doubt and took his opinion seriously.
I could have written this too. My mother and I never had much of sex discussion until I had been with my then boyfriend about a month at age 16 and then I was whisked off to her OB/GYN (the same one that delivered me, LOL!) to get put on the pill. She was always open about sex and by the time I was 15-16 years old, figured if she hadn't done her job as a parent by that time, it was too late and she pretty much left me alone. At that point she became more friend than parent and that shift in the relationship meant so much to me at a time when I needed that in order to become my own person. She was waaaay tough on me when I was younger, but it was worth it for the several years of freedom to make my own choices. I still chuckle when I remember her asking if my boyfriend at the time was a virgin also and when I said yes, she sighed, rolled her eyes and said something about the blind leading the blind and that I should find someone else more experienced, LOL! Sometimes it was a little awkward, but I loved my mom for her open-mindedness at that time. It's because of her that I have now and have always had a heathy, mature and responsible attitude about sex. I hope to do the same for my children.

-Astrid
post #35 of 67
We all tend to agree that it's not okay to use shame to discipline toddlers and small children.

The same is true for teens. Whatever your values and expectations are, you need to communicate them in a more respectful way if you expect young adults to listen.
post #36 of 67
I think an apology and a sex-ed course are both in order.

In my experience, it's the secrecy/abstinence/controlling parents that get kids in trouble. I agree - and see it daily - kids who aren't allowed to "test the waters" get in way more trouble.

Not to say that you should let your kids do whatever, but sitting back and saying there's nothing you can do isn't right either.

Information and life experience can go a looonnngg way. Emphasizing the possible consequences of being sexually active would've been amazing from my parents, but my mom is the type that never even told my about my period. Needless to say I used wads of toilet paper because I was too ashamed of myself to ask her, for years even. If I needed birth control, I believe that I likely would've no used protection out of embarrassment and ended up in way more trouble, just because the walls built up between me and my parents were way too high and thick.

I think you overreacted about the hicky, but it can be undone if you approach the situation with a calm and educational approach.

When my DH and I were engaged (21 and 23 yrs old), he ended up with a hicky, just barely visible at his collar. His dad made him go get some make-up, and that was that. It was to keep MIL from finding out and having a COW. Which she would've. Over the past few years, she has successfully destroyed any chance of having a relationship with us, calling me vile names and constantly putting us both down. This is painful, and I honestly tried to put up a good face for a long time, forgiving and forgetting. But she's out of control. And I'm not so-called "slutty" - I'm a loving, supporting wife to my DH. Being loving and understanding goes a lot farther - as your reaction can shape your own view of this girl, and her and your son's relationship.

I disagree that "relationships at that age don't last very long." In fact, from personal experience and with my friends, middle school/early high school relationships last much longer on average than later teen relationships. Imagine if your son stayed with this girl for a few years - it would be painful for both of you. I don't think you can talk about respect when your words were very harsh and unfair, and then read a private conversation. Your job was to talk to your son privately, not to this girl. A hicky is not that big of a deal, and denying sexuality can lead to dysfunction and resentment. Education would be a much better path.

Also, I realize I come from a different background than you, so feel free to disregard my views and ignore my tangents. Good luck!
post #37 of 67
Quote:
Originally Posted by prothyraia View Post
We all tend to agree that it's not okay to use shame to discipline toddlers and small children.

The same is true for teens. Whatever your values and expectations are, you need to communicate them in a more respectful way if you expect young adults to listen.
That's right and the OP is most likely aware of that. After all, this is the "bad parent moment need advice" thread.
It just sounds like she wasn't really ready for "that" yet. ("My baby has a girlfriend? No way!")
post #38 of 67
Quote:
Originally Posted by prothyraia View Post
We all tend to agree that it's not okay to use shame to discipline toddlers and small children.

The same is true for teens. Whatever your values and expectations are, you need to communicate them in a more respectful way if you expect young adults to listen.
post #39 of 67
I can't say for sure how I would have reacted. I don't know that I would have sat her down but definitely my son. Hickies do happen in the teen years but their gross and I certainly don't want my teens running around with them.
post #40 of 67
Why are hickies gross? They are harmless (can't catch or spread a disease with them), don't cause pregnancy, don't hurt anyone and are a relatively benign way of expressing and building intimacy with someone (sucking is, afterall, how we all bond with our parents after birth). Yes, i agree that it's not ideal to be in a position where you are labelling or bieng labelled by a partner, "mine" BUT it's a relatively normal part of first relationships to do so, as teens express their devotion and demand it returned. I would be mad if my child had a hicky they had expressly refused, but otherwise, i don't get why it's a big deal. Why is it slutty to nibble and suck on the skin of someone's neck?
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