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Bad parent moment need advice. - Page 3

post #41 of 67
As I read this thread, it keeps occurring to me that spilling my teenager's private sexual/emotional/relationship business out on the internet seems a whole lot "trashier" than a hicky could ever be. Doesn't he deserve honesty, respect, and consideration from you? Does he know about this thread? What do you think he would say if he found out?

If you want advice, I would suggest worrying a bit more about your own morals and behavior and a bit less on trying to control whether and how teenagers make out. IME kids learn more from what we do than what we say.
post #42 of 67
Quote:
Originally Posted by green betty View Post
As I read this thread, it keeps occurring to me that spilling my teenager's private sexual/emotional/relationship business out on the internet seems a whole lot "trashier" than a hicky could ever be. Doesn't he deserve honesty, respect, and consideration from you? Does he know about this thread? What do you think he would say if he found out?

If you want advice, I would suggest worrying a bit more about your own morals and behavior and a bit less on trying to control whether and how teenagers make out. IME kids learn more from what we do than what we say.
I'm sorry-I think you're out of line. Are you suggesting that the OP is immoral for coming to this forum to post? Please.

The OP came w/a title to her post: Bad Parenting Moment-Need Advice. She was looking for input, and has gotten a lot of straight talk here, some of which may have been hard to hear. She wasn't, IMO, looking to sensationalize her teenager's issues on the internet. She was seeking input. I think attacking her is out of bounds.

We all come to this forum with tricky age related questions. I have personally learned more here than I ever imagined I would. I love it. Don't post here if it's not your cup of tea.
post #43 of 67
Perhaps we'll have to agree to disagree, then. I don't consider my comments an "attack", although I readily admit they are blunt. The OP asked for advice and I gave mine. I think an honest and introspective appraisal of her own behavior would be the very most helpful step to take in this situation.

And do I consider it immoral to discuss the private sexual/romantic life of another person in a public internet forum without their knowledge (and with the suspicion or knowledge that they would not want that)? Yes, I do. I would never do that to my own child, and (thinking of the mother of the girl in this situation) I would be apoplectic to discover that someone else had. You, the OP, and the rest of the world are free to disagree.
post #44 of 67
Quote:
Originally Posted by karne View Post
I'm sorry-I think you're out of line. Are you suggesting that the OP is immoral for coming to this forum to post? Please.
The OP came w/a title to her post: Bad Parenting Moment-Need Advice. She was looking for input, and has gotten a lot of straight talk here, some of which may have been hard to hear. She wasn't, IMO, looking to sensationalize her teenager's issues on the internet. She was seeking input. I think attacking her is out of bounds.
We all come to this forum with tricky age related questions. I have personally learned more here than I ever imagined I would. I love it. Don't post here if it's not your cup of tea.
I agree, When someone writes a post asking for advice, it is clear that they themselves are not sure about what to do. The OP was asking for advice. I think one should not have to feel intimidated about asking for advice in this forum. The title of her post is bad parent moment need advice.
post #45 of 67
Quote:
Originally Posted by proudmomof4 View Post
That's right and the OP is most likely aware of that. After all, this is the "bad parent moment need advice" thread.
It just sounds like she wasn't really ready for "that" yet. ("My baby has a girlfriend? No way!")
Oh, absolutely; I just felt like some of the responses were justifying that sort of treatment, and the tone of the OP still had a lot "omg, this is disgusting!" to it. I think letting go of that visceral reaction and simply talking to the kids with more respect would go a long way to repairing any damage. "I'm sorry I spoke to you two that way; I was surprised and scared because I believe that premarital sexual behavior is a negative thing because of x,y.z, and we value a, b, c."

Quote:
Originally Posted by green betty View Post
As I read this thread, it keeps occurring to me that spilling my teenager's private sexual/emotional/relationship business out on the internet seems a whole lot "trashier" than a hicky could ever be. Doesn't he deserve honesty, respect, and consideration from you? Does he know about this thread? What do you think he would say if he found out?
This is a relatively anonymous forum on the internet; people ask for all kinds of advice about dealing with other people in their lives (Parents as Partners, anyone?). I'm not sure how one would ask for advice about dealing with their children's sexuality without actually discussing what was going on.
post #46 of 67
I'm going to have to agree with the others that you freaked out and you owe your son an apology. Hickies are not trashy or slutty. They're really embarrassing as a teenager: let that be punishment enough! I remember suddenly being SOOO happy that my mother had a penchant for buying me Lands End turtlenecks with cutesie little graphics on them. OMG, what teenager in the height of the Grunge years was going to wear a turtleneck with little Christmas scotties on it? They were heinous and awful and might have been cute on a 6yo and I never wore them... but wow did they come in handy the first time I got a hickey! And after that, I learned that hickeys go where no one will see them

I also agree that it is not surprising that she called you names. You mortified both her and your son, and so of course they ran into eachothers arms to vent. If your MIL started screaming at you over anything, you'd be saying some not terribly nice things about her to your DH or your friends as you vented.

Now, I'm quite okay with a tiny bit of mortification to keep your teens in line... but it's gotta be subtle. Like, Lands End Christmas turtlenecks. Okay, maybe not Christmas, but the way to handle this is to say "ahem, you seem to have a bruise on your neck. I assume you got it while playing basketball. Ahem. I got you a turtleneck to wear while it heals. You're going to have to wear it to school, because I'm not gonna be able to help you when the nuns see it." Trust me, that's aaaaaall the punishment a 14yo boy needs for preventing visible hickeys.

And I also agree that the kids with the least freedom take the most. My parents were died in the wool hippies who were eternally mortified by their totally square children. I didn't have sex or do any drugs until I went to college. My high school boyfriend would come over, and they'd go out. They were so specific. "We'll be at the library, and it closes at 9, so we'll be back about 9:10. You guys have fun!" OMG it was so embarrassing. We'd go sit on the couch and watch a movie. There's nothing that ruins the mood more than having your parents think that you're getting some action right then! Meanwhile, his mother made his younger sister babysit us, so we'd sneak a little bit of cuddle time whenever possible at his house. Makes no sense, right? That's teenagers for you.

There's nothing wrong with having ground rules, but trying to micromanage his relationships is just going to backfire. I'm sorry, but it does. I would sit down and apologize to him. Tell him that sometimes parents freak out when they realize that their kids are growing up, and that your reaction was inappropriate. Tell him to tell his girlfriend that you're very sorry for what you said to her.

Suggest something that you can invite her along to: where I am it's fun fair season, maybe suggest that she be invited and then they can go off and ride some rides and you guys can all meet for dinner afterwards. Or the beach or a hike or something like that: something where they can get some alone time and you can also get to know her a bit more. Trust me, she doesn't want to do an event where she'll have to spend the whole time hanging out with you guys. It will also help legitimize the relationship a bit more, which should cool things down a bit more. If Romeo and Juliet has taught us nothing else, it's that young kids in love do really stupid stuff when they think they have to be all secret about it.

Make sure that he has all the appropriate books about puberty and sex. Make sure he knows how to use a condom. Give him a condom and a banana and make him put it on in front of you: that'll cool a lot of passion, I promise. Tell him that at his next well visit appointment, you're going to tell his ped that he has a girlfriend and ask the ped to make sure that your son has all the appropriate information.

Make sure that he knows the numbers. By the age of 15, only about 13% of teens have had sex. By the time they graduate from high school, only about 50% of teens have had sex. It is NOT TRUE that "everyone else" is doing it. He should never, ever let anyone pressure him into doing anything that he isn't comfortable with.

Good luck. I don't think that you're a bad parent: I think that you overreacted and flew off the handle. You handled the situation poorly, but it's definitely not too late to fix it.
post #47 of 67
I've been following this and I keep coming back to a couple of questions. First, if I read this right, she gave him a hickey, right? So, did he even know she was doing it? For that matter, did she? As a young teen, I distinctly remember being surprised the first time I realized what I had done -- it wasn't on purpose, I swear! So, you may have made a huge deal out of something that was already not going to happen again. And even if she knew exactly what she was doing, it doesn't follow that he did or that he knew how to stop it without it becoming a huge issue. These seemingly little things are great big huge deals when you are just starting to date.

You can control your reaction to things. You can control some of the logistics of your son's life (but realistically not all and less and less as he gets older). You cannot hope to control another's person's child. All in all, I think you best response is to set reasonable guidelines and limits, make sure he has good information about both biology and your values and expectations, and the realize that you cannot control another person. Even at 2 or 8 or 10 there were something things you couldn't control about his body. And at 14 or 16 or 20 there are even fewer.

And can someone please make a note that I just said this and remind me when my son gets past tween to actual teen? I have a feeling that is one of those "easier said than done" sorts of areas. :-)
post #48 of 67
Quote:
Originally Posted by Evan&Anna's_Mom View Post

And can someone please make a note that I just said this and remind me when my son gets past tween to actual teen? I have a feeling that is one of those "easier said than done" sorts of areas. :-)
I shall store it in my file cabinet and present it too you when the time comes.
post #49 of 67
Quote:
Originally Posted by prothyraia View Post
We all tend to agree that it's not okay to use shame to discipline toddlers and small children.

The same is true for teens. Whatever your values and expectations are, you need to communicate them in a more respectful way if you expect young adults to listen.
I agree.

You might want to do some inner work on why you feel that physical affection or "necking" between 14 year olds is "slutty" and "trashy". The truth is 14 year olds are experimenting with affection. This is an opportunity for you to connect with your DS to keep the bridge open while he learns the ins and outs of relationships and his own sexuality. All you've accomplished so far is putting up a brick wall of shame and guilt and disappointment.
post #50 of 67
Well, I guess that's put an end to any possible future discussions of any more than the weather between OP and her son
post #51 of 67
*I* think they're gross for anyone because well, I do. I think there's a certain connotation that comes with them and I certainly wouldn't want my teen going around displaying proof to the world that they just made out with someone.
post #52 of 67
Quote:
Originally Posted by lach View Post

Now, I'm quite okay with a tiny bit of mortification to keep your teens in line... but it's gotta be subtle. Like, Lands End Christmas turtlenecks. Okay, maybe not Christmas, but the way to handle this is to say "ahem, you seem to have a bruise on your neck. I assume you got it while playing basketball. Ahem. I got you a turtleneck to wear while it heals. You're going to have to wear it to school, because I'm not gonna be able to help you when the nuns see it." Trust me, that's aaaaaall the punishment a 14yo boy needs for preventing visible hickeys.
This whole post was GREAT - but this part especially cracked me up!!! I'm going to be remembering this when DS is 14!
post #53 of 67
Quote:
Originally Posted by amynbebes View Post
*I* think they're gross for anyone because well, I do. I think there's a certain connotation that comes with them and I certainly wouldn't want my teen going around displaying proof to the world that they just made out with someone.
Despite having given and received hickeys as a teen (and my mom hated them), I think they're gross, too. They look kind of like bruises, and they're very unattractive.

That said...if our teens are old enough to be "making out", what we do or don't want them displaying to the world isn't really relevant. What they choose to display to the world is key.
post #54 of 67
Quote:
Originally Posted by choli View Post
Well, I guess that's put an end to any possible future discussions of any more than the weather between OP and her son
Wait, not so fast. So Mom overreacted and in her son's eyes she probably screwed up big time. I still trust her to have a solid base of communication with her son she can build on. (And I should probably be thankful myself that my children haven't kicked me out of the house yet?)
post #55 of 67
Quote:
Originally Posted by Storm Bride View Post
Despite having given and received hickeys as a teen (and my mom hated them), I think they're gross, too. They look kind of like bruises, and they're very unattractive.

That said...if our teens are old enough to be "making out", what we do or don't want them displaying to the world isn't really relevant. What they choose to display to the world is key.
Same here. I had to laugh when someone said their kids aren't going to have them.

The whole protecting my innocent son from girls bit in the OP is really offensive.
post #56 of 67
OP - Sorry, but I think you overreacted. Hickeys happen, even to "good" kids, and you had NO right to throw your parenting on someone else's kid like that. You could have simply asked her to leave, and then spoken privately with your son.

And

Quote:
Originally Posted by the_lissa View Post
The whole protecting my innocent son from girls bit in the OP is really offensive.
post #57 of 67
As the mother of a teenage girl, I find the notion that your son is such a "great kid" who needs to be "protected" from slutty, trashy girls who want to give him hickeys really offensive.

Um...was your son not there getting the hickey? She didn't tie him down and force the hickey on him, did he?

Heck, he was the one who wanted to watch the movie upstairs, alone, in his bedroom.

Maybe this girl needs to be protected from your son!

I'd be very angry that I sent my 8th grade daughter to someone's home and they left her unsupervised with their son long enough for a makeout session and hickey-making to occur.

Next time, don't leave them alone. Don't let them watch movies that are inappropriate for the rest of your family to see. And don't blame the girl for behavior that your son willingly participated in.

And yes, you owe that girl an apology. Let me tell you, if my daughter came home telling me her boyfriend's mother spoke to her that way, I'd be at your doorstep with a few choice words!!
post #58 of 67
Quote:
Originally Posted by the_lissa View Post
The whole protecting my innocent son from girls bit in the OP is really offensive.
Quote:
Originally Posted by churndash View Post
As the mother of a teenage girl, I find the notion that your son is such a "great kid" who needs to be "protected" from slutty, trashy girls who want to give him hickeys really offensive.
This. I had meant to comment on this before, and it kind of escaped me. The whole tone of the "girls are a distraction" and wanting to shelter him really makes me mad. I was a "trashy, slutty" girl in high school, and so were many of my female friends. Trust me, we weren't out trying to find innocent little choir boys and corrupt them - we were engaging in various degrees of sex acts on a completely consensual basis. Heck, OP...your ds could have even been the initiator.
post #59 of 67
Quote:
Originally Posted by Linda on the move View Post
I totally disagree. I think the problem with teens to day are two fold. First, they are teens, and while a lot of people like to pretend they are some how radically different than teens 30 years ago, I just don't see it.
My mom says this all the time. Her generation (she graduated in 1981) was having more premarital sex, drinking more and smoking WAY more pot than my generation.

In my experience, there are two types of teens; the ones who immediately round home plate, and those who take their time getting there. Your son is exploring natural desires, and making out in no way implies that he will be having sex anytime soon. He's at the age where making out is really exciting, and there's nothing shameful in that. As for the hickey, it isn't your neck and I HIGHLY doubt many other people will look at it and think you're a bad mother. He is the one who has to live with the embarrassment of a visible hickey. Like many PPs, I have had exactly one visible hickey in my life, and it was mortifying. Kissing isn't bad, especially not at 14. Hickeys, while not the most attractive thing, aren't bad. I'm sure it is very hurtful to have been called that by the girlfriend, but keep in mind that she was completely and utterly humiliated, and 14 year olds aren't exactly known for their tact.
post #60 of 67
OP, how's it going on the hickey front?
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