How do you know when a school is just not the right fit versus a normal "adjustment period"?

[KLM99]

My 2.5yo had been attending a play-based daycare since she was 14 months old. Although we had some of the usual tears at drop-off, she really loved it, had great friends and great relationships with her teachers. We had applied a year earlier for a montessori school in the area, and when we finally got a spot, we decided to transition her there. She has been there two months now and drop-offs are a complete disaster. She is normally very even - this is a child who had maybe two tantrums in her whole life before starting at the new school and now everything causes a tantrum. She is very verbal, and has told me repeatedly that she does not like the school and names various reasons why (she has to be quiet during the work period, they make her leave the playground when she's not ready, etc), but also, she doesn't like to talk about school and doesn't seem to have made any friends.

I'm really struggling - I don't want to pull her out and "reward" tantrum-ing behavior. Is this just normal 2.5 year old? Normal school transition? Plus, I don't think we get a refund for the rest of the year, so I'll be about $3,500 if I pull her now! But at the same time, my mommy instincts are telling me it's not a good fit.

Thoughts?

[Starflower]

I think you should trust your mommy instincts. Especially since she's told you directly why she is not comfortable there. Two and a half seems awfully early to me to be expected to be quiet for work time. The tantrums sound like a normal reaction to stress for a child her age. I don't think removing her from the program would be rewarding her for tantrums; I think it would be listening to your child.

Have the teachers tried to work with you to help with the transitions? If you feel like the teachers could help your DD find a comfortable place in the school, then maybe it would be worth trying to help her. But if you feel deep down that it's probably just not a good fit, you are probably right.

I hope you can get at least some of your money back if you decide to take her out.

[BellinghamCrunchie]

When does the year end? Can you pull her out for 6 months then try again without losing her spot?

It does sound like currently this school environment is not meeting her needs (and how else could she tell you more clearly than she is now?).

[NellieKatz]

Boy does this sound familiar. Listen to your instincts....the way I read this is she is not "misbehaving" (thus making a "reward" something you don't want to do). She is sounding very unhappy there and it seems this is her way of expressing it.

We homeschool but when my son was younger we put him in a local earthy-crunchy (or so we thought) preschool that had come highly recommended, because being an only child he needed a place to make friends and "learn socialization" (ugh) or so we thought.

He HATED it. Unfortunately he acted out by pushing and scratching the other kids so we had no choice but to pull him out....we wanted to teach him a better way to handle his feelings, but in the meantime didn't want anyone to get hurt.

Now we're older and wiser and see why the preschool was such a bad fit and such a bad idea. And now he's old enough (7) to learn how to express himself without using his hands (of course, we have been working on that for years).

But to this day, when we drive by that school, he says "there is that AWFUL school. I hated that place." When I ask him what he hated about it, he said "it was boring." And I totally get that! He tends toward gifted (we think). He has always been free and unstructured in his life; when he is interested in something he can spend all the time he wants on it....in fact full immersion is his way! He will spend solid weeks on a single passion or subject, learning them from every angle. But of course, in most school environments, someone else is setting a pretty rigid schedule, so no sooner does he get interested in something then someone tells him it's time to move onto the next thing. Think of how frustrating that is!

This is why we homeschool of course (and he is now in a democratic free school two days a week; again, unstructured). He is as happy as a clam there.

But that's just my long-winded way of saying I feel for your daughter in this case.
:-)

[madskye]

Talk to her, talk to the teachers and then listen to your intuition.

I took DD out of all day daycare where she was very comfortable when I started working from home, and transitioned her to a highly recommended playbased pre-school for 3 days, 3 hrs a day. She HATED it. Part of it was just the transition--she had liked her old school, despite some issues, but I didn't need full day care any more, and I had grown unhappy with the level of supervision in her room (the 3's) and I really felt it was in her best interest to not just shorten her hours there, but to get out!

Then the new little pre-school was just not enough for her. The day was too short, not enough time to play or really get into projects, not enough time to play outside, she missed having lunch with the other kids every day At 3.5, she deemed the little preschool "stupid" and said they did "nothing" when she was there. Even if it wasn't stupid and they were doing things--she wasn't enthused about it, and I gave it from August-December before i gave up.

...after much soul searching, we left the preschool mid-year and switched to her current school, where's she's been for the last happy 18 months. They have a slightly longer day, but not quite full day, that works for my schedule, and they do a ton, and that suits her personality. I really agonized about changing schools, as I had really thought the little pre-school would be a great experience--it was humbling to be so wrong! My DH was very nice, and told me we wouldn't be the first parents in the world to try a few before we found the right school.

I think I'd talk to the teachers about how little she is enjoying school. Do you think there is anything on their end they could be doing to make it a better experience for her? And I'd also consider at what point you could transition her out of there without losing too much money. Are you on the hook Jan-Jan or Aug-Aug?

[pauletoy]

I would listen to your instincts too.

But to just throw something out there, is it possible that she is just having trouble with the limits they put in place. Most places require children to leave a playground at a specific time and be quiet during work times and also most children don't like it. That won't change no matter what school/daycare she goes to.

Have you talked to the teacher to find out how she behaves during the day? Does she play with the other children? Does she participate in activities? Does she act happy while there? I know for my son, he could have had a wonderful day at school but he will still come home and say he doesn't like it. What he doesn't like is being away from mom and that wouldn't change even if the school changed.

[Learning_Mum]

I'd personally pull her out.

I think she's still really little to have such structure in her day and I agree with the PP that said 2.5yo is really young to expect them to be quiet during work time. My DS1 is 4.5yo and he talks constantly. Even if he is at home making something he will be talking away to himself about what he's doing.

DS1 started afternoon kindy (kind of like preschool) when he was 3yo. He wasn't ready for it. When we tried again with morning kindy, when he was 4yo and he just took to it straight away! He loves kindy! Even now the kids are only just starting to do 'mat time' twice a morning, during which they need to be quiet and listen to the teacher but the rest of the time it's just about running around, playing, learning and exploring.

[tatermom]

Can you observe the classroom one day? It does sound like she really is unhappy there and that it might not be a good fit.

When DS2 started this fall in his Montessori class, it took him about a month to adjust (crying at drop-off, unusual tantrums outside of school, etc... really heartbreaking for me to see!) and for him that was a really long time because he's a very easy-going kid and had been in another play-based daycare prior to that. But after those first few weeks he's been happy as a clam there. Oh, occasionally he has a day where he says he doesn't feel like going to school, but when we actually get to school, he's running into the classroom and hugging his teachers.

So I think that what you're describing does go beyond the normal adjustment period, particularly since your DD is discussing it so clearly outside of school. I would definitely talk with the teachers about it and see if there is anything they can do to help ease the transition, but also request to observe a class so you can confirm what your DD is telling you. (e.g., do they really have to be quiet all the time? At our Montessori school there is a low volume of talking that is acceptable, but I know some schools are strict about quiet and that would not go over well with me or my kids!) Perhaps the school would be willing to refund your money if they see that you are really trying to work with them? I'm sure they don't want your DD to be so unhappy, either! Good luck!

[KLM99]

OP here - thanks to everyone for the thoughts! We ended up pulling her out last week and going back to her old school. Already, she has been much much happier. She goes to school without a tear and is better behaved all around. She has said frequently that she just didn't like her "new school" and that she is happy to be at her "regular school." Who knows what it was, but at least I think we made the right decision. We got half the tuition back too, so this was about a $2,000 mistake instead of a $3,500 mistake. Ugh.

[4evermom]

Good for you! I was in a similar position when my ds was 4. I told myself that there is no reason to throw good money after bad. Ds was SO glad to be out of that school... And it was my fault, my poor choice, that had landed him there so it wasn't as if I was rewarding "bad" behavior or teaching him not to follow through with a commitment. Learning to cut ones losses is an important thing to learn for kids and mamas.

[Starflower]

Thanks for the update, OP. Glad your kiddo is much happier now (priceless). And at least you got part of the money back, too.

We had a very expensive mistake this year, too, so I understand where you were coming from.