Unconditional Parenting tips for the early post-partum momma

[thelocknestmother]

Who is tandem nursing a high-needs 2.5 year-old and the 2 week-old baby. And whose husband has had almost no time off. And who has no helpful family in town. Wish I had time to write more, but the toddler needs me...

[thelocknestmother]

oops forgot to sub...

[Mama2Bean]

Oh, see, this is going to be me in about 5 weeks, except DD is almost 3 1/2 and has just started having tantrums. Can't wait.

[Just1More]

I don't lean too much to the UP philosophy, fwiw, but my past hard learned experience says the following...

1. Let the guilt go now. You are not going to be the perfect Mama. And there is not a perfect formula for raising perfect kids. No matter what you do, people can be unhappy, and unsuccessful, and all of us, eventually, will die. So, don't stress that you aren't doing it "right". There is no right. Yes, there is better, but love mitigates that.

2. Your house, your appearance and standards you may have held really need to be evaluated. Your kids don't need baths everyday. Let it be twice a week (or less!) if need be. It's okay to feed people chicken nuggets and call it supper...and not feel one bit bad about it. Etc.

3. Remember that what you do in the moment, or don't do, isn't going to ruin anyone or anything. So what...the baby is screaming and the toddler is tantruming...and you are locked in the bathroom trying not to explode. Your kids will be fine. You have not abandoned them, and they know it. It's not CIO, it's survival, and, believe me, they know the difference.

4. Take it easy. Seriously. Add nothing to your plate that you do not absolutely have to do. It isn't worth it right now. Find time to recharge and take it with reckless abandon. Those few minutes of quiet time will go a LONG way to helping you be sane over the coming months. Do whatever you have to do to make the stress of living less, so you can focus on your babies...and on yourself.

5. Do not let yourself get over tired. The world seems to end and PPD sneaks in. Rational thought is MUCH harder when you are tired, in my experience.

6. Remember that this too shall pass. The transition from one to two was SO hard for me. I think I nearly lost my mind, I kid you not. Ds was very high needs and colicky, and dd did not appreciate his presence at all. I had very little sleep, and what I got was broken and poor. For two years. It was so hard. And, oddly enough....I miss those days. I didn't think I was going to get out alive, and now I miss it. You will, too. It will be a happy memory, even though it seemed impossible to be who you want to be and parent the way you imagined.

Oh, and remember that your children are different people with different needs. Just because #2 doesn't respond to you the same way that #1 did doesn't mean you are a bad Mama or that the baby doesn't love you. It means it needs something else, and that is all. I really struggled with that, too. WHY can I not comfort this baby? Well, because his belly hurt, and he HATED being confined. My first LOVED a carrier. Ds despised all I tried. They are different, and that's okay. Actually, it's a good thing.

But, the bottomline is...no guilt. No difficult standards and ideals. Just raw life right now. And that's okay. s

[jillmamma]

:

I also had a 2.5 yo when #2 came along. We spent a LOT of time nursing (sometimes one, sometimes both) and reading books on the couch in those early days, especially when I was just too tired to do anything else. DS was/is high needs too (autism spectrum), and getting him outside helped a lot as well. I could chill with the baby in a lawn chair while he ran around or just played in his sandbox. I am 11 weeks postpartum again with #3 and this time my first two are older and no longer nursing so it is easier, but I still am letting a lot of housework/other things go. Still sitting on the couch a lot nursing the baby and reading too. Honestly, I feel the most important thing is to remember to hug your older one a lot, do what you can to spend time with them (hence all the reading ) and let them know you still love them just as much as the new little person that has joined your family. Tandem nursing I found helped a LOT with the older one adjusting too...he knew he could still have his "muh", not everything that used to be his was just for the baby.

and I wish you the best!

[kcparker]

I am 5 months into this scenario. Luckily, #2 son is a dream, very easy-going and goes to sleep easily at 8:30 every night, waking just enough to nurse a few times during the night. Here are my tips, not necessarily UP, but what I have found particularly useful:

1. Hire a mother's helper. Even a teenager for 2 hours a week is a huge help. The girl who comes to our place just takes the boys to a park a block away, DS1 on foot, DS2 in the Ergobaby. We can get yardwork done, mop the floor, do the stuff we don't have free hands to do when the boys are around. It will be $4/hour well spent.

2. As soon as baby seems old enough to deal without mama for an hour, start having "dates" with your older child. Take a mama and me swim lesson series, pack sandwiches and go to the park for an hour, just go for a walk around the neighborhood while papa holds the baby for 1/2 an hour. Let your son pick an activity - maybe you play with trucks in the back yard one day, go out for ice cream after dinner a week later... I found that I missed my older son, getting to really be with him with my attention fully on him and not split between him and baby. He loves having time with "just mama" or "just papa" too. I think it helps us reconnect, and I think it has eased his feelings of jealousy that we do things together without the baby.

3. Get a take-out pizza once in awhile. Treat yourself kindly, and not having to make dinner sometimes is such a luxury!

4. Take time to observe your older one from afar. 2 1/2 is such a wonderful age - the start of pretend play, growing confidence in their abilities, new language developments every day, it seems. I love love love my DS1, and taking time to appreciate all that is the best and most shiny in him helps me have patience during the moments of whining or demands for attention or being nursed or picked up for the 100th time today, running away from the bathroom when it's time to brush teeth, or whacking his sleeping baby brother with a stuffed animals...

[thelocknestmother]

Thanks ladies, you have already helped me to have a better day just reading your stories.

Now for a specific question:

How do I respond in a UP way to this:

In the middle of the night DD (2.5 yrs) wakes up and wants to nurse, but DS (2 weeks) is nursing, I say, "milkie soon, Benjamin is almost done, I can't want to nurse you, snuggle me while you wait" to which DD responds by screaming/crying like an infant (same tone and pattern...a new thing since baby brother has come along), and kicking me in the back. I say, "I see you are mad, I wish I could do milkie right now, too, but we will soon. It is hard to wait though." To which she replies with louder screaming and more kicking. At this point, I start to get really frustrated and just try to calmly touch her, afraid if I say anything it will not be nice. She continues to escalate and eventually DH just takes her out of the room so baby brother can sleep. Not sure what to do, that is best for all and UP. Thanks!

[thelocknestmother]

Oh and now another new issue since baby...DD is intentionally making messes. She will come to me, pour water all over the floor, I will ask her what she is doing, and she will say "I make a mess". I say "are you mad about something?" To which she either pours more water or says "I make mess". I feel like she is just asking for attention...but it will be right as I am already giving her attention, in a positive way, like we will be reading books or playing music and she will just switch in to this. Help...

[kcparker]

Re: the nursing demands at night - can you nurse them both, either sitting up in bed, or if you are appropriately endowed, laying on your back with one cradled in each arm? I know it's hard with a newborn to get the positioning right, keep him latched on, etc.

It all sounds like pretty classic regression behavior, and I think trying to acknowledge her loss (of your undivided attention) by incorporating special time with her, still making much of her, still letting her be a baby, will help ease things. Sometimes I will play "baby games" with DS1 - invite him to sit on my lap and feed him like a baby bird, hold him over the potty the way we did when he was tiny and make the pee-pee cue sound for him, do signing with him, etc. We also talk about how he is big AND small, and he will always be my baby, even when he's a big boy. I try to let him know that if he needs babying, it's there, but also confirm that he's a 'big kid' when he says so. She will sort through it all over the next months (and years, probably).

When she dumps the water out, I would give her a cloth and ask her to help clean up the mess, then tell her that if she still needs to play with water she can take a bath or go outside and dump water in the yard. I totally agree that it's a bid for attention.

[Boot]

I just want to give sympathy as I have no answers. DS (just 3) has been so difficult recently. DD is 9 weeks. Hopefully it will get easier soon. Gotta go and play puzzles now!

[mrscookie]

Seconding the idea of getting outside to get some sunshine. It makes you feel so much better. What in particular about being UC to your toddler is challenging?

[Just1More]

The only thing I can think of right off, is that in the heat of the moment, it is good to emphathize, but I also seek to help them know what TO do.

So, instead of just telling her you know she's mad, or wants Mama, or whatever, I would give her the words, help her know I understand, and then help her move on. It sounds like your empathy is causing her to dwell on it and escalate.

I might say, "You can have milkie when Benjamin is all done." (angry scream, upset.) "I know, you're mad/sad/whatever that you can't have it right now. See Mama, only has two hands. I will hold the baby, and then I will hold you. I'm sorry you are sad. Let's read a book while you wait." (Or you can x while you wait.) And then I would move on. (And I wouldn't offer a zillion options while she waited; I would just pick one and go for it. If I'm reading a book, then I'm reading a book. If she tantrumed I would say, "Oh, I see you don't want to read a book with me right now. Okay. You can just wait while I feed the baby. You can come sit by me if you'd like." And then I'd be quiet while she was upset. Present, but quiet. You don't have to keep talking about it for her to know that you are there, you understand, and you love her. And if she couldn't/wouldn't be quiet, I would say, "I'm still sorry you have to wait, but I love you and I love Benjamin. You'll have to go out with Daddy while you wait. You are being too loud in here." It's okay, and not unconditional, IMO, to set boundaries, and awaken the idea that there is another being who also has your unconditional love.

When it is her turn, I would say, "See! Now it's DD's turn! Mama loves Benjamin, and Mama LOVES DD. Mama said you could nurse, and SEE, you can nurse now!"

Because it's going to take a while for her to believe you mean what you say.