So when can I start my grand plan?

[Belia]

I never want to do the whole power-struggle-over-eating with DS.

Here is the philosophy we had agreed on: We would prepare one meal for the family, generally being conscious of, but not a slave to, everyone's tastes. In other words, I will be kind enough not to cook liver and onions every night, but I will also insist on more variety than chicken nuggets every day.

Whoever's home can eat what is prepared. If they don't like it and they're old enough, they can prepare an alternate. Or they can wait for the next meal. No big issues, no screaming and yelling, no demands.

So, when can we start?!? I ask my friends what and how they get their toddlers to eat, and they all say "He just eats what we eat." Well, last night I cooked a ham. It literally melted-in-your-mouth, and I glazed it with pineapple juice and brown sugar. No reason why he shouldn't have liked it, but he wouldn't eat it. Nor the au gratin potatoes or the peas I made with it. He swallowed the one bite we physically placed in his mouth, but would not touch any more.

The meal before that was a baked mostaccoli with diced zucchini, cheese, ground beef... again, nothing in there that would have tasted especially foreign or offensive. Would not eat a bite.

So according to my plan I should just clear the plate after a little while and go on with our day, but he's still waaaay too young for that, right? Or is he? He's 20 months.

Help!?!?!?!?

[deditus]

Well I hardly think you can force a toddler to eat. And at 20 months, you may overestimate how much he actually needs. Is he bfing? I (have always) made 3 meals and offered 2-3 snacks, so my dd eats whatever she wants from what is prepared at each meal/snack. Works out very well indeed.

[robugmum]

We've really always just offered one meal option for everyone and my kids are pretty good eaters; they are 10, 8 and almost 5 now. I think if kids get into the habit of requesting separate meals then they will expect to be catered to. I honestly don't think any healthy kid will truly let themselves starve. I do have a 'three bite' rule that we enforce when we feel like we need to.

[no5no5]

What is the alternative? We have always, from the time DD began eating table food, had that strategy. We give her a plate, she eats it or she doesn't. If she wants something else, she gets it or she asks for help getting it. Sometimes that results in her eating a nothing but crackers for a whole day, but whatever. I refuse to be the least bit concerned about it.

[Belia]

He only nurses once a day- usually when we wake up in the morning. But he does get bottles of cow's milk twice a day- after he gets home from daycare, and right before bed.

I know I can't force him to eat, and I don't want to try. But last night he didn't eat a thing at dinner, then was crabby and whiny for the rest of the night. Last night was the first night that DH didn't go scramble an egg for him or prepare an alternate for him.

I just don't get what I'm doing wrong.

[lil_earthmomma]

This is a wonderful goal and here's how I made it work in our house.

Dinner is as you have described above.
Lunch is a snackplatter full of meat, cheeses, veggies, fruits, nuts, devilled eggs etc. There is BOUND to be something that will appeal everyday.

And a couple hours after dinner, before bedtime I offer a snack. Something nutritious, like strawberries and cream, or a smoothie etc.

I don't make them eat dinner, but they have to wait for something else as they are too young to make an alternative.

[Rosehip]

Once the kids were old enough to be able to eat what was offered (enough teeth, not going to choke on it, etc.), that was the option. Period. And I never did bedtime snack/milk, so they don't have to eat dinner, but they're not getting something else. They learned very quickly, and it's incredibly, incredibly rare that they actually don't eat dinner.

So at 20 months, I definitely would not have made an alternate meal. If one of my kids had been crabby, I just would have let them be crabby and probably put them to bed a bit earlier.

[Magelet]

So he likes scrambled eggs? I'd make what I made for dinner, then if he didn't eat dinner, make scrambled eggs (or something else he likes to eat) for everyone for breakfast.

that way, you are enforcing your policy of you make what I eat, or you wait for the next meal, without him really likely needing/preferring to go without more than 1 meal in a row. He gets used to eating what is served, and will eventually eat it, (I would recommend a "three bites policy" or something of the sort, for new foods, because children (and adults) can take up to 15 or more exposures to a new food to come to like it or eat it willingly.), without going REALLY hungry. He'll be crabby, so put him to bed earlier. It won't damage him.

He's plenty old enough, and if you don't start it now, you'll have a harder time stopping being a short order cook down the road.

[mamadelbosque]

I don't cater for dinner, but lunch is something that we'll both eat and breakfast is something he'll eat (usually cold cereal, occasinoally pancakes/waffles (usually left over from a breakfast-for-dinner), eggs or oatmeal). Usually he can be depended on to eat one part of the meal (thought thats sometimes just plain noodles or rice or potatoes), but not always. I don't stress over food and I *NEVER* make something else other than what I've made (lunch being the exception - its either something I *KNOW* he likes/will eat (mac'n cheese, pb & j, pizza, chicken nuggets, etc) or I'm warming up leftovers for me/us and/or making him a pb & j sandwhich). Overall this means I *KNOW* he's eating his fill at least 2x a day. If he chooses not to eat dinner, so be it. At most he can have an apple/banana in the evening. He'll survive till morning.

[madskye]

What time does he get home from daycare? If he's having a bottle of milk an hour or so before dinner he might not be hungry--milk is filling! What would happen if you gave him a smaller bottle of milk when he gets in? Or is it much earlier in the day?

I would focus more on just offering the food and just getting him to try it, getting him used to spending meal time at the table with you. If he's hungry, he'll eat more. If he's not, he'll eat less. I know there are some children with huge food issues who won't eat anything, but nothing in your post makes me think you are dealing with anything unusual.

Did he indicate that he didn't like the food or that he thought it tasted bad, or was he just not interested?

Another thing to make life easier, is to always have a plain side dish on the table that you know he likes--just bread and butter, or cheese and fruit. Maybe the mostaccioli was too much for him, but a slice of bread and butter or some cheese would tide him over the crankies til milk at bedtime. Would be great if he ate some peas too...but like I said, I'd focus more on getting him to the table with you, reinforcing the idea that you eat as a family, and just being happy if he does try even one bite.

I've never told my hungry child that I wouldn't make her something to eat though...but the alt that I would offer would probably be yogurt or oatmeal or cheese and crackers, it's never really been an issue though, as DD, now 5, has always been "a good eater" of most everything. One thing that I do think helps is that we don't really do snacks. By the time I get dinner on the table she is usually hungry and ready to enjoy a meal. Bad mothering or brilliant tactic...I'm not sure, but she does eat like a champ.

[no5no5]

Originally Posted by Belia

If they don't like it and they're old enough, they can prepare an alternate. Or they can wait for the next meal.

I just want to clarify, because I responded above and I'm not sure if my post fully reflects my feelings on this. I really believe in teaching kids to listen to their bodies and eat what they are hungry for when they are hungry. I would never, ever, tell DD she couldn't eat something besides what we were having for dinner. I will tell her that I'm not going to fix her something else, but she knows very well by now that she can get herself whatever she likes.

When she was younger, sometimes she needed help figuring out what else she could eat and getting it. I don't think it's fair to ask a toddler to find alternate food without any help at all. But I've always considered my role to be more of an assistant (e.g., I would list simple foods that don't need cooking, help her get things from tall shelves or out of the fridge/freezer, and open packages upon request) than an on-call chef. DH, on the other hand, well...he's a sucker, but I can't complain, because he spoils me just as much as he does DD.

[erratum]

Originally Posted by Belia

I just don't get what I'm doing wrong.

You let your baby grow into a toddler! what were you thinking?!