Debating whether or not to go through with it

[mamaspirit]

I'm really struggling. I've had a miserable pregnancy. I have a really great midwife team who has been supporting me in planning a HBA2C. They have a lot of VBAC experience. I feel safe and comfortable with them. I'm just having a lot of emotional turmoil right now. I have two very small children at home, one is special needs with an autism spectrum disorder. My husband is losing his job along with his benefits, so we are selling our 2 year old minivan to pay the midwives for the homebirth. I have medicare insurance that will cover a hospital birth, but not homebirth. My husband is going crazy trying to find a new job and we are fighting a lot (nothing serious, just a lot of arguments). We moved here from out of state during the beggining of my pregnancy and I've been so sick my whole pregnancy that I haven't had a chance to make friends or connections. I don't feel supported right now. I feel like I am holding my husband together, my children together, trying to find a way to make ends meet, and I have no one behind me, holding me together. There have been some kind souls (that I don't know) that have offered help and I let them, but it ended up upsetting the apple cart in regards to my son and his needs so much that it ended up being more stressful for me to have them come in. I am still getting some meals from them which have been lifesaving. I miss my friends. I miss my deep connection with my husband. I miss having the energy to meet my childrens needs. A lot of times I resent this baby who was not planned, and I hate myself for it. I don't know if I have the energy to do this. I really wanted to have a beautiful homebirth, but I don't know if I am strong enough to do it right now. I hate the thought of giving up and just scheduling a c-section, but I've been thinking a lot about doing just that. Am I horrible for thinking that way?

[womenswisdom]

Gently saying - will having major surgery make your life easier or harder? You said you don't have a lot of support right now, which is so essential when recovering from a c/s. It seems to me that you are overwhelmed and seeing an ercs as something you can control, which seems appealing. But if you actually look at what your life would look like if you had an ercs, does it really look *better* or just *knowable*? An hbac is obviously important to you if you've come this far in planning for it. I think we all have thoughts of just scheduling the section because it's what we know and it's the "easy way out" in some ways. Would you look back and regret it though? Hang in there, I'm sure you'll make the right decision.

[briome]

You have a lot going on, for sure.

*if* your HBAC goes well imagine how you will feel.

I think you will have to be just as *strong* as you will need to be to have your homebirth. Neither will be easy for you, you will worry and need to cope with both. RCS is not *easy* and you do need to be stong for that too.

I am a week or so away from my second HBAC. We just moved and right before we did we had a large housefire in the old house (with ALL OUR THINGS STILL IN IT) I have a needy toddler and a sensitive 5 year old. We have money problems and the insurance company is giving us issues! IT is exausting but I deserve to have this baby in the comfort of our new place

I assume your reasoning for the HBAC is personal on many levels and your current stress does not make those reasons less important BUT MORE>

[cairomama]

You've come this far, you can do it! It is hard because the baby is not coming at a convenient time, but the baby's time can't be changed. If you really think about it and you want the HBA2C, then, go for it. Set the other issues aside until the baby is born and deal with them at that point. Whatever you decide, even if you choose an ERC, don't give up. Make the decision from a place of strength and peace so that you will feel peace about it later, not regret.

Hope things get easier soon!