Am I being too sensitive? A friend's constant comments and mixed messages.

[iamme]

And currently, I am sick and tired of her comments!

A brief history about her...She was a SAHM and even hsed her only ds, until she had to leave an abusive dh. He earned a six figure income. Her ds was traumatized upon leaving him, as he too was being abused. This ds is a "prodigy" -the type of dc who was reading chapter books at age 2. Whe her ds was in 4th grade, she left the dh. She moved across the country to my city and neighborhood. We met at her garage sale, where she was selling high end games and curriculum. As I got to know her, I learned that she had started up her own business as a professional house cleaner and organizer, so that she could have flexible hours with good pay. Her priority is to be there for her ds(age 17yo) before and after school(he is in an IB program).

So, our relationship got off to a good start as she seemed to understand the idea/importance of hsing and being there for our dc, even when society tells us otherwise. Our dc are also 2E, and she's been supportive of that as well.

The problem? On a semi-regular basis, she makes comments along the lines of "How some of us have to get up, leave the house and make money." She has variations of that line. I always brush her off, as I feel she has many problems, and those comments are more about her and not me. Does it hurt my feelings when she says that? Unfortunatley, depending on the day and my mood-yes. This past weekend, she mentioned she had a client who has a new baby, and has had constant thrush. She won't go to LLL, so is relying on her doc for guidance. She confided in my friend that she was seriously considering switching to formula, as she was going back to work in August to keep her benefits and retirement fund. Her husband works FT, and they have benefits from his job-so it's not like it's all up to her. (Just fyi) My friend told her(and was passing it on to me) that she thought that was smart, as there is no guarantee to her dh's retirement fund, and the last thing she wanted to do was to be a burden to her adult dc someday. This baby is only 4 months old!! I told my friend that while i certainly don't know the woman and her personal situation, I would be very hesitant to advice her to put her baby in daycare just to get additional benefits and a secured (whatever that is!) retirement fund. She said the woman doesn't feel important as a SAHM. I told her if that was the case, I would be tempted to get her the book by that dr. laura about SAHMs-In Praise of SAHM-or something like that. My friend blew a gasket(she is very opinionated, smart, and very outspoken) b'c she doesn's think a person with that much "power" should be writing such a book as it is a diservice to women! WHAT??

We went back and forth, and I was getting p'd. She would say something, and I would counter it with my opinion. In the end, she said if hse had to do it all over again, she would not have chosen to stay at home with her ds, as she lost many years feeding into her social security, and a retirement fund, AND had been wanting to bring this up with *me* as she is worried about me since I've been out of the work force for 13 yrs and my marriage is a bit rocky.

I had no comeback. When she feels she's right, she's right. Since the heated discussion, I have been stressing aboout what she said. My marriage isn't so bad that we are even thinking of D, but the thought of being a burden to my dc when they are adults is way too much for me to think about right now.

Am I being too sensitive? Does she have a valid point? Is this something any of you worry about?

TIA!

[CherryBombMama]

my cousin always makes a comment like, "what do you mean you cant go out tonight? i have to be at work at 4am and i cant take naps!" as if i sleep all day! oooh that gets me sooo mad!! or "youre so lucky you dont have to work."

i dont avoid her, but i sure dont go searching for her. i suggest you do the same ... def dont need to end your friendship, but i wouldnt "work" at it. just my opinion

and fwiw, i do not think she has a valid point

[berry987]

Your friend seems to be a reformed SAHM. As in, she did it and it ended up being a bad choice in the end. She was in an abusive relationship and had to crawl out of it and start from scratch on a career. She probably just feels like she's "seen the light" and wants to spread the message. From her life experience, I think she has a valid point - that being financially dependent on a man can be a bad thing and can set some women up for poverty and eventual dependence on their kids. BUT, and this is a big BUT, she was financially dependent on the wrong man. SAH for some women is a bad choice if their marriage is super-rocky or their DHs are not responsible, respectable people.

But I have more faith in marriage and my marriage in particular. And, if my marriage were to end tomorrow, I have a master's degree and savings and I would be all right. I'd have to start low, but not so low that SAH in the first place was a bad choice. I'm willing to take that "risk" because being here for my kids every day is worth it.

What if you tell your friend that you understand that SAH was a bad choice for her? That it backfired on her in the end when she had to leave her abusive DH. But each situation is different and women need to assess that risk themselves. I mean, there are no guarantees in life, on either end, so why spend it planning for the possibility that your DH will leave you penniless?? That's crazy to me. Faith. Tell her you have faith and leave it at that. And then tell her to butt out.

[journeymom]

I think Berry is right, your friend has the zeal of a converted working mom. Just like many of us do when we first make the momentous decision to quit our jobs to stay at home.

Your child is 4 months old, you are at the very beginning of your journey. It's hard to imagine what life will be like for you when your children are grown and out of the house.

I have a 15 year old and a almost 11 year old. I've been a sahm for 13 years now. I cannot tell you how quickly this time has flown by. It wil fly by for YOU, too.

I think your friend has a VERY valid point. Maybe being a sahm is right for you, but make no mistake, your choice has serious consequences. (I think Dr. Laura is aware of this but she does not emphasize to her listeners enough.) You, Iamme, are missing out on the prime money-making part of your life. You are missing out on opportunities for advancement, opportunities to build your skills.

What I have discovered is that when I go to hunt for a job soon I'm going to be passed over for younger workers. Ageism is alive and well. I'm going to have to work twice as hard to get a job. And in this lousy economy, too! I'm going to have to explain the 13 year gap in my resume.

This is 13 years that I haven't been paying into Social Security, 13 years that I haven't been putting serious money into a retirement account. And I most definitely don't want to be a burden on my children!

I do not regret my choice to stay home with my kids ONE BIT! It was absolutely the right thing to do. But I have literally paid a big price for it. I could have made hundreds of thousands of dollars during this time. I'm aware of that, and I chose to do it anyway.

Much more important than whether your marriage is in good shape is the fact that your dh could die or be incapacitated in an accident and leave you without an income. It's not pleasant to think about but you'd be very unwise if you didn't make practical plans for what to do if your source of income was suddenly gone.

None of this takes away from the importance of what you're doing right now. Yes, you are Your Kids Mom, wear that title proudly! It really is the MOST important job. But that doesn't make these other issues go away.

Do you have life insurance? Maybe enough to get you buried and hire a nanny for a while, if you died tomorrow? Are you saving for your 'retirement'? You should! My dh puts money into a retirement account in my name.

a secured (whatever that is!) retirement fund. Probably it's the kind of retirement fund where you don't get 100% of the benefit unless you've worked there a minimum number of years. I'm not sure, though. Sounds like something I need to read up on. You should, too!

[iamme]

Originally Posted by CherryBombMama

i dont avoid her, but i sure dont go searching for her. i suggest you do the same ... def dont need to end your friendship, but i wouldnt "work" at it. just my opinion

and fwiw, i do not think she has a valid point

Thanks for sharing! I'm definitely not searching her out, but I kid you not-she calls me at least twice a day-sometimes more! So, in order to give myself some sanity and protect my family time, I do have to avoid her. I've told her that, too! Well, not so rudely, but along the lines of I turn off my ringer when I am *working* or being the wife and mom I need to be.

Originally Posted by berry987

Your friend seems to be a reformed SAHM. As in, she did it and it ended up being a bad choice in the end. She was in an abusive relationship and had to crawl out of it and start from scratch on a career. She probably just feels like she's "seen the light" and wants to spread the message. From her life experience, I think she has a valid point - that being financially dependent on a man can be a bad thing and can set some women up for poverty and eventual dependence on their kids. BUT, and this is a big BUT, she was financially dependent on the wrong man. SAH for some women is a bad choice if their marriage is super-rocky or their DHs are not responsible, respectable people.

But I have more faith in marriage and my marriage in particular. And, if my marriage were to end tomorrow, I have a master's degree and savings and I would be all right. I'd have to start low, but not so low that SAH in the first place was a bad choice. I'm willing to take that "risk" because being here for my kids every day is worth it.

What if you tell your friend that you understand that SAH was a bad choice for her? That it backfired on her in the end when she had to leave her abusive DH. But each situation is different and women need to assess that risk themselves. I mean, there are no guarantees in life, on either end, so why spend it planning for the possibility that your DH will leave you penniless?? That's crazy to me. Faith. Tell her you have faith and leave it at that. And then tell her to butt out.

I must be in the dark ages, as I've never heard the term, 'reformed stay at home mom."

You make some excellent points! Since I am a Christian, and she is an atheist, I always refrain from using the word FAITH, as she has zero-she has faith in her mothering, but after reading your post, and reflecting on our friendship, I realize she never conveys having faith in anything else. I realized this AM, that she is playing the role of victim to it's limits, and I am thoroughly sick of it.

Anyway, thanks for giving me more to think about. I do think if I choose to bring any of this up to her, it will fall on deaf ears. I need to decide if it's worth my time and energy.

Originally Posted by journeymom

I think Berry is right, your friend has the zeal of a converted working mom. Just like many of us do when we first make the momentous decision to quit our jobs to stay at home.

Your child is 4 months old, you are at the very beginning of your journey. It's hard to imagine what life will be like for you when your children are grown and out of the house.

I have a 15 year old and a almost 11 year old. I've been a sahm for 13 years now. I cannot tell you how quickly this time has flown by. It wil fly by for YOU, too.

I think your friend has a VERY valid point. Maybe being a sahm is right for you, but make no mistake, your choice has serious consequences. (I think Dr. Laura is aware of this but she does not emphasize to her listeners enough.) You, Iamme, are missing out on the prime money-making part of your life. You are missing out on opportunities for advancement, opportunities to build your skills.

What I have discovered is that when I go to hunt for a job soon I'm going to be passed over for younger workers. Ageism is alive and well. I'm going to have to work twice as hard to get a job. And in this lousy economy, too! I'm going to have to explain the 13 year gap in my resume.

This is 13 years that I haven't been paying into Social Security, 13 years that I haven't been putting serious money into a retirement account. And I most definitely don't want to be a burden on my children!

I do not regret my choice to stay home with my kids ONE BIT! It was absolutely the right thing to do. But I have literally paid a big price for it. I could have made hundreds of thousands of dollars during this time. I'm aware of that, and I chose to do it anyway.

Much more important than whether your marriage is in good shape is the fact that your dh could die or be incapacitated in an accident and leave you without an income. It's not pleasant to think about but you'd be very unwise if you didn't make practical plans for what to do if your source of income was suddenly gone.

None of this takes away from the importance of what you're doing right now. Yes, you are Your Kids Mom, wear that title proudly! It really is the MOST important job. But that doesn't make these other issues go away.

Do you have life insurance? Maybe enough to get you buried and hire a nanny for a while, if you died tomorrow? Are you saving for your 'retirement'? You should! My dh puts money into a retirement account in my name.

a secured (whatever that is!) retirement fund. Probably it's the kind of retirement fund where you don't get 100% of the benefit unless you've worked there a minimum number of years. I'm not sure, though. Sounds like something I need to read up on. You should, too!

Actually, it's my friend's client that has the 4 month old. I have a 13 yo and 8 yo, and I, too, have been out of the work force for 13 years.

Thanks for posting-wasn't what I *wanted* to *hear*, but that's life, huh? I read your post and thought-OUCH!! Yes, my prime-prime for everything is passing me by. I do get what you are saying, though. It's a long time for both of us to not be feeding into soc. sec. or a retirment fund, and a huge gap in explaining to a potential employer why it's been so long.

We do have a retirement fund-but I am not sure if *my* name is on that. I know for certain that I don't have a separate fund. As for life insurance, we have a sizable amount for each of us. As for an accident, etc...we are utterly unprepared. That's not good.

I appreciate your honesty. I don't regret staying home, but this whole discussion has me rethinking the rest of my life, and certainly looking in into better protection money-wise.


~~

Thanks, mommas!

[journeymom]

Actually, it's my friend's client that has the 4 month old. I have a 13 yo and 8 yo, and I, too, have been out of the work force for 13 years.

Originally Posted by iamme

I'm definitely not searching her out, but I kid you not-she calls me at least twice a day-sometimes more!

I think that's very interesting, that she searches you out. Sounds like she's hurting. Maybe you represent the good parts of her old life. She still identifies with your sahm life, is bitter about her loss, resents having had to give it up, but knows that her job is necessary.

I realized this AM, that she is playing the role of victim to it's limits, and I am thoroughly sick of it.

Ugh. That kind of talk is hard to listen to. I think people like that get a certain amount of energy from complaining. It's like momentum.

Gap in the resume: I've been a Girl Scout leader for eight years now. I'll be putting that on my resume. Before we got so tight on money my plan was to get a 'job' in a volunteer position with a charitable organization. Not only would it ease me back into the working world but it would be a great thing to put on a resume, a great way to gain some references. I think I have to skip that, though! I need to start making money sooner than later.

You're giving your prime to your kids. I've chosen to do that, too. I think it's the way to go.

[htcamommy]

fwiw I work a whopping 4 hours a week for my uncle's company doing a little accounting for him so that if I ever go back into the workforce I can say I've had a job. This is my little back up plan. Things happen.
EVERY marriage is "rocky" if you pick it apart. DON'T COMPLAIN TO HER ABOUT YOUR HUSBAND EVER!! Honey misery loves company! Her marriage sucked, things went to hell in a handbasket for her so she's looking for it in everyone elses marriage too.

You are definitly not being overly sensitive. Girlfriend just insulted your personal choices on how to effectively mother and be a wife. Doesn't get more insulting than that to me. Being a sahm is a choice. A tough choice. It means loosing alot more than your 401k. But imo there is nothing more important, valuable, or precious than being my children's primary caregiver.

[Tigerchild]

I don't think that suggesting a Dr. Laura book to someone who's an atheist and a working mom (both groups are trashed regularly by her--and I've read every single one of her books and listen fairly regularly to her show, so I have read/heard her do that with my own body parts) was a very smart or sensitive thing to do. Maybe you are not really familiar with Dr. Laura, but if you are I'm rather surprised at your surprise that your friend took offense over her.

I agree with a PP that probably you are very painful for her, as you still SAHM and she was kind of forced out and is having to make the best of it, but at the same time it's a touchpoint for her old life. I think it's okay to be upfront if you think it's time to move on, or that you don't want to talk anymore about the merits/drawbacks of SAHMing anymore because it's stressful and leads to arguments and you really want to keep her as a friend.

But I dunno, reading what you wrote, I don't think she was the only insensitive one to be honest. I think if you want to repair the friendship, acknowledging that probably would be a good thing.

[yokosmile]

Ditto Tigerchild. You've wrote a LOT about this lady. You seem to be really emotionally invested in her and her decisions. I'd examine *within* tbh to figure out what it is about this friendship that's getting you this agitated - it's never about anyone else (as a wise MDC'er once said).

[RiverSky]

I think it's time for some new friends. Even if she doesn't support or agree with your staying at home, you really shouldn't ever hear about it. If she can't refrain from putting you down, then find other friends. Aren't you in any homeschool groups? If you have a bunch of homeschool mom-friends, I can't imagine why you'd even have much time for a working mom friend (simply because I see most of my friends during the day, with all of our kids there, too).

And I agree, the Dr. Laura suggestion was kind of wacky. Personally, I think she's a kook.

[pauletoy]

I personally find Dr. Laura very offensive and degrading to working women. If you suggested her book to me, I would think you were being insensitive. I am a SAHM and I love it. I know, however, staying at home is not right for every mother and not everyone has the option. This woman is a single working mother, who survived an abusive relationship. Of course, retirement and other money issues are going to be very important to her. She has no one else to count on.

Her comments are also insensitive to you as a SAHM. As a former SAHM, she should know most SAHMs don't get to sleep late or lounge around all day doing nothing.

Sounds like both of you are not being very accepting of the other's choices. If it were me, I would take a long hard look at the friendship. The relationship seems to lacking basic respect.

[iamme]

Originally Posted by journeymom

I think that's very interesting, that she searches you out. Sounds like she's hurting. Maybe you represent the good parts of her old life. She still identifies with your sahm life, is bitter about her loss, resents having had to give it up, but knows that her job is necessary.



Ugh. That kind of talk is hard to listen to. I think people like that get a certain amount of energy from complaining. It's like momentum.

Gap in the resume: I've been a Girl Scout leader for eight years now. I'll be putting that on my resume. Before we got so tight on money my plan was to get a 'job' in a volunteer position with a charitable organization. Not only would it ease me back into the working world but it would be a great thing to put on a resume, a great way to gain some references. I think I have to skip that, though! I need to start making money sooner than later.

You're giving your prime to your kids. I've chosen to do that, too. I think it's the way to go.

No problem on the confusion.

Honestly, I never thought of me as a reminder of what she had. We are poor in money, and I live with chronic health issues. She's healthy as a can be, and her married life was full of money. She has two degrees from a very nice college. I have a small degree from a state university. But, from the standpoint of missing a father for her ds, I have wondered if it's painful for her to hear about our family as dh is a great hands on dad. You've given me lots to think about in that regard.

Again, I am clueless about so many things. I had no idea one gets paid to be a girlscout leader!! Cool. Whatever brings in some cash...

Originally Posted by htcamommy

fwiw I work a whopping 4 hours a week for my uncle's company doing a little accounting for him so that if I ever go back into the workforce I can say I've had a job. This is my little back up plan. Things happen.
EVERY marriage is "rocky" if you pick it apart. DON'T COMPLAIN TO HER ABOUT YOUR HUSBAND EVER!! Honey misery loves company! Her marriage sucked, things went to hell in a handbasket for her so she's looking for it in everyone elses marriage too.

You are definitly not being overly sensitive. Girlfriend just insulted your personal choices on how to effectively mother and be a wife. Doesn't get more insulting than that to me. Being a sahm is a choice. A tough choice. It means loosing alot more than your 401k. But imo there is nothing more important, valuable, or precious than being my children's primary caregiver.

Point well taken!! I havn't complained too much to her about our marriage-but probably enough. And I agree, all marriages are rocky to a good degree.
Thank you for validating the way she talks to me! It feels icky!!

Originally Posted by Tigerchild

I don't think that suggesting a Dr. Laura book to someone who's an atheist and a working mom (both groups are trashed regularly by her--and I've read every single one of her books and listen fairly regularly to her show, so I have read/heard her do that with my own body parts) was a very smart or sensitive thing to do. Maybe you are not really familiar with Dr. Laura, but if you are I'm rather surprised at your surprise that your friend took offense over her.

But I dunno, reading what you wrote, I don't think she was the only insensitive one to be honest. I think if you want to repair the friendship, acknowledging that probably would be a good thing.

Oh! I did recommend dr. laura, but to my friend as a book rec for her client. I have no idea of the client's faith system, all I know is she quit her job to be a sahm and is now rethinking that. I have no idea if my friend is aware of dr. laura. I do know that she thinks anyone who writes books should watch what message they send to women. I myself only know dr laura as a supporter of stay at home moms, and know nothing of her faith system. I knew she had a radio show, but have never listened to it. Maybe that was insensitive.

Originally Posted by yokosmile

Ditto Tigerchild. You've wrote a LOT about this lady. You seem to be really emotionally invested in her and her decisions. I'd examine *within* tbh to figure out what it is about this friendship that's getting you this agitated - it's never about anyone else (as a wise MDC'er once said).

Hmm. Interesting comments! I suppose I have invested in this relationship. We both have dealt/shared together our struggles with anxiety/panic attacks/hormone issues-sharing lots of intimate details. In that way, I feel bonded with her. As for her continued comments about wohm vs sahm, and now this recent heated discussion, it is very stressful to me. I think I am getting so worked up, as I have heard these comments for well over a year now, and getting fed up AND I drop it! Maybe if I let on even MORE, it wouldn't bother me so much. (?) In a way, I am feeling spineless when it comes to our friendship, and that itself tics me off.

Originally Posted by RiverSky

I think it's time for some new friends. Even if she doesn't support or agree with your staying at home, you really shouldn't ever hear about it. If she can't refrain from putting you down, then find other friends. Aren't you in any homeschool groups? If you have a bunch of homeschool mom-friends, I can't imagine why you'd even have much time for a working mom friend (simply because I see most of my friends during the day, with all of our kids there, too).

And I agree, the Dr. Laura suggestion was kind of wacky. Personally, I think she's a kook.

LOl. Since last summer, I've been trying very hard to make new friends. I experienced lots of major life changes about a year ago, which came with the loss of my circle of friends. She stuck by me,, and I hung on for the above reasons. I have made new friends via a hsing group-a dream come true, really! It's funny that you mention lack of time to see a wohm, as my friend does work pt, but even still, our friendship is almost exclusively through the phone or email. So, no, I really don't have time, but I have made *some* time if that makes sense.

Taking notes about dr. laura....

[iamme]

Originally Posted by pauletoy

I personally find Dr. Laura very offensive and degrading to working women. If you suggested her book to me, I would think you were being insensitive. I am a SAHM and I love it. I know, however, staying at home is not right for every mother and not everyone has the option. This woman is a single working mother, who survived an abusive relationship. Of course, retirement and other money issues are going to be very important to her. She has no one else to count on.

Her comments are also insensitive to you as a SAHM. As a former SAHM, she should know most SAHMs don't get to sleep late or lounge around all day doing nothing.

Sounds like both of you are not being very accepting of the other's choices. If it were me, I would take a long hard look at the friendship. The relationship seems to lacking basic respect.

Okay! I got it about dr laura.But, what have I said that makes you think I am not accepting of *her* choices? Was it my comment about her lack of faith? If so, I mean this friend has no faith in much of anything....friends,our legal system, doctors, government,schools,media issues, etc. the list goes on. The more I've discussed this here, I relaize that she is an incredibly negative person, actually. I mean, I'm no mary poppins, but am not constantly "kvetching"(her phrase she often uses). She talks fast, and I am good if I can keep up with her.
But where oh where does it sound like I am not accepting of her choices? I am praising her always for putting her ds first above money and status-as she could easily get a more "respectable" job (again, her words) but chooses to do what she does to be available for her ds. I totally respect that! I certainly don't go around saying to her how nice it would be if I got a paycheck or kudos for the work I do.

[journeymom]

Originally Posted by iamme

Again, I am clueless about so many things. I had no idea one gets paid to be a girlscout leader!! Cool. Whatever brings in some cash...

Oops! I did not word that clearly. Nope, there's no money to be made as a GS leader. I volunteer. My point is that it's a valid 'job' to put on a resume when you've been out of the job market for many years and you're wondering how to fill in that gap in time. As are other volunteer positions. You're doing a job, you are just not getting paid for it. You can use your boss for a reference on your resume.

about Dr. Laura. You didn't know. I listened to her faithfully when I was a new mom and she was instrumental in my decision to become a sahm. I read a few of her books. I admire her ability to strip an issue down to its fundamentals. But I can't listen to her any more, and I think you'll find that she's pretty controversial here at MDC.

[pauletoy]

Originally Posted by iamme

Okay! I got it about dr laura.But, what have I said that makes you think I am not accepting of *her* choices? Was it my comment about her lack of faith? If so, I mean this friend has no faith in much of anything....friends,our legal system, doctors, government,schools,media issues, etc. the list goes on. The more I've discussed this here, I relaize that she is an incredibly negative person, actually. I mean, I'm no mary poppins, but am not constantly "kvetching"(her phrase she often uses). She talks fast, and I am good if I can keep up with her.
But where oh where does it sound like I am not accepting of her choices? I am praising her always for putting her ds first above money and status-as she could easily get a more "respectable" job (again, her words) but chooses to do what she does to be available for her ds. I totally respect that! I certainly don't go around saying to her how nice it would be if I got a paycheck or kudos for the work I do.

My comment had nothing to do with your faith or her lack of faith. You really haven't gotten the point I and others have tried to make about Dr. Laura. If you had gotten it, you would understand that Dr. Laura is a slap in the face of working mothers (also wives with cheating husbands and the homosexual community, but those are topics for another day.) You would also understand why your friend "blew a gasket" when you recommended Dr. Laura's book. That is were you disrespected her choice as a working mother. It was disrespectful to her even though you were recommending the book to her for her client, as you found out by her reaction. None of this excuses the comments she makes to you. It does demonstrate that the insensitivity goes both ways whether intentional or not.

[That Is Nice]

Originally Posted by iamme

I told her if that was the case, I would be tempted to get her the book by that dr. laura about SAHMs-In Praise of SAHM-or something like that. My friend blew a gasket(she is very opinionated, smart, and very outspoken) b'c she doesn's think a person with that much "power" should be writing such a book as it is a diservice to women! WHAT??

Perhaps with regard to Dr. Laura, your friend meant that Dr. Laura is a woman with a paying job, and so for her to write advice to women to the contrary is a bit disengenuous and a disservice to women.

Dr. Laura is very controversial - deliberately. She wants to sell books and her radio program, etc.

I probably would not buy any book by Dr. Laura for anyone for any reason. She is very polarizing.

[yokosmile]

In any relationship there's always going to be something unpleasant, some area of tension there somewhere, etc. Just be stoic about it. We're all fighting a hard battle, and we're all a little insecure when we consider the decisions other people make (parenting decisions especially!) because there's a tendency to think "If she's doing x and I'm doing y, suppose she's right and I'm wrong." It sounds to be like you both are having these sorts of feelings in regards to each other's decisions. It's really no big deal. It's just a human thing. : )

[That Is Nice]

Originally Posted by RiverSky

I think it's time for some new friends. Even if she doesn't support or agree with your staying at home, you really shouldn't ever hear about it. If she can't refrain from putting you down, then find other friends.

I don't think she was putting her down. Talking about things like retirement, no investment in SS, an obsolete resume and work history to a SAHP is not a put down. In some ways, she may have been genuinely concerned and showing support. I personally don't want friends who just nod their heads yes and never say what they really think. As posted below, I think the friend had some very valid points, ones that should be explored and figured out.

Originally Posted by journeymom

I think your friend has a VERY valid point. Maybe being a sahm is right for you, but make no mistake, your choice has serious consequences. (I think Dr. Laura is aware of this but she does not emphasize to her listeners enough.) You, Iamme, are missing out on the prime money-making part of your life. You are missing out on opportunities for advancement, opportunities to build your skills.

What I have discovered is that when I go to hunt for a job soon I'm going to be passed over for younger workers. Ageism is alive and well. I'm going to have to work twice as hard to get a job. And in this lousy economy, too! I'm going to have to explain the 13 year gap in my resume.

This is 13 years that I haven't been paying into Social Security, 13 years that I haven't been putting serious money into a retirement account. And I most definitely don't want to be a burden on my children!

I do not regret my choice to stay home with my kids ONE BIT! It was absolutely the right thing to do. But I have literally paid a big price for it. I could have made hundreds of thousands of dollars during this time. I'm aware of that, and I chose to do it anyway.

Much more important than whether your marriage is in good shape is the fact that your dh could die or be incapacitated in an accident and leave you without an income. It's not pleasant to think about but you'd be very unwise if you didn't make practical plans for what to do if your source of income was suddenly gone.

None of this takes away from the importance of what you're doing right now. Yes, you are Your Kids Mom, wear that title proudly! It really is the MOST important job. But that doesn't make these other issues go away.

Do you have life insurance? Maybe enough to get you buried and hire a nanny for a while, if you died tomorrow? Are you saving for your 'retirement'? You should! My dh puts money into a retirement account in my name.

a secured (whatever that is!) retirement fund. Probably it's the kind of retirement fund where you don't get 100% of the benefit unless you've worked there a minimum number of years. I'm not sure, though. Sounds like something I need to read up on. You should, too!

Thank you. You summed all this up better than I can. It's not a debate about working moms versus stay at home moms. It's about having a plan about not setting yourself up for risk, and that is hard to do as a SAHP.

You can have the best marriage in the world, even a faith based one, that might unexpectedly go sour, or your spouse could die or become disabled. Or you could die or become disabled. Or any number of other things, including salary freezes for years and lay-offs. Living on one income does make your vulnerable if you lose that one income.

If your marriage doesn't go south, and your husband lives well to an old age, and provides well for the family, great! Then you experienced good luck, not necessarily good planning. And leaving it all to luck is dicey, even if you do have faith. I think that is what your friend was saying, and she's been there, so she knows all too well, I'm sure.

And none of those realities diminishes the importance of being a SAHP. It's important. But not a reason to bury one's head in the sand on those other issues.

[iamme]

Originally Posted by pauletoy

My comment had nothing to do with your faith or her lack of faith. You really haven't gotten the point I and others have tried to make about Dr. Laura. If you had gotten it, you would understand that Dr. Laura is a slap in the face of working mothers (also wives with cheating husbands and the homosexual community, but those are topics for another day.) You would also understand why your friend "blew a gasket" when you recommended Dr. Laura's book. That is were you disrespected her choice as a working mother. It was disrespectful to her even though you were recommending the book to her for her client, as you found out by her reaction. None of this excuses the comments she makes to you. It does demonstrate that the insensitivity goes both ways whether intentional or not.

I hear you.

The next time I talk to my friend, I will ask her if she knows dr laura, and if so, I will ask her if by me recommending a book by her was offensive. If so, I will apologize.

(Taking notes to never suggest a book when I am ignorant to the author's reputation, prejudice, and genre.)

[iamme]

Originally Posted by That Is Nice

I don't think she was putting her down. Talking about things like retirement, no investment in SS, an obsolete resume and work history to a SAHP is not a put down. In some ways, she may have been genuinely concerned and showing support. I personally don't want friends who just nod their heads yes and never say what they really think. As posted below, I think the friend had some very valid points, ones that should be explored and figured out.



Thank you. You summed all this up better than I can. It's not a debate about working moms versus stay at home moms. It's about having a plan about not setting yourself up for risk, and that is hard to do as a SAHP.

You can have the best marriage in the world, even a faith based one, that might unexpectedly go sour, or your spouse could die or become disabled. Or you could die or become disabled. Or any number of other things, including salary freezes for years and lay-offs. Living on one income does make your vulnerable if you lose that one income.

If your marriage doesn't go south, and your husband lives well to an old age, and provides well for the family, great! Then you experienced good luck, not necessarily good planning. And leaving it all to luck is dicey, even if you do have faith. I think that is what your friend was saying, and she's been there, so she knows all too well, I'm sure.

And none of those realities diminishes the importance of being a SAHP. It's important. But not a reason to bury one's head in the sand on those other issues.

After reading this a few times, I will say that if my friend said this out of concern for me, that is great! I,too, like a friend who speaks her mind.

I think I can answer the title of my thread now! No, I am not being too sensitive. She has been rude to say the varied lines of "someone needs to leave the house to earn money." I have let her walk over me in some ways, and this has been a wakeup call. That is fine if she wants to start having regrets about being a sah, hsing mom-but to make continued snide comments to me is downright rude! It hurts to be treated like that by a friend. I am used to comments like that from strangers about hsing,bfing, etc.. but from a friend it is plain rude and insensitive.

Thanks to those who have gotten past the dr laura thing, and have understood my hurt feelings.