Am I being too sensitive? A friend's constant comments and mixed messages. - Page 2

[pauletoy]

iamme, I just wanted to commend you on how you have responded to the responses on this thread. kuddos to you for being open minded and hearing other people's point of view. I hope your friend is as open to discussing these issues as you are.

[francie024]

My advice to you is to just. move. on. : )

[Amys1st]

No, you're not be too sensitive.

But FWIW, I used to use the arguement about building my retirement, how that was our sacrifice. We have agressively contributed to it since we were about 27 and we are 38 now. We have well over 6 figures and boom! the economy hit 2008 and we lost 80K of that money. If I had been contributing the last 6 of those years, guess what? It would have been 160K we would have lost instead.

In reality and this is what I share here and IRL. The true sacrifice would have been working all those years and missing seeing my girls grow the last 8 years. I plan to re enter the work force sooner than later so it will be about 10 years of not being gainfully employed. I have education, corporate experience and consulting experience and I plan to do marketing consulting part time starting very soon for DH's company.

[That Is Nice]

Originally Posted by Amys1st

No, you're not be too sensitive.

But FWIW, I used to use the arguement about building my retirement, how that was our sacrifice. We have agressively contributed to it since we were about 27 and we are 38 now. We have well over 6 figures and boom! the economy hit 2008 and we lost 80K of that money. If I had been contributing the last 6 of those years, guess what? It would have been 160K we would have lost instead.

In reality and this is what I share here and IRL. The true sacrifice would have been working all those years and missing seeing my girls grow the last 8 years. I plan to re enter the work force sooner than later so it will be about 10 years of not being gainfully employed. I have education, corporate experience and consulting experience and I plan to do marketing consulting part time starting very soon for DH's company.

Well, that is a good point.

But if you were modeling the time 10 years prior, during the boom, you could have said the sacrifice was x times greater than your initial sacrifice.

The point is it's not about money, really, is it?

It's about time.

You can't really make up the lost time in a retirement account, not really. And you can't really make up the lost time with your kids when they are young, not really.

I guess what it comes down to is if you have a partner you are working with who is either willing to go out and get a retirement for you both, or willing to stay home while you go out and get the retirement, or willing to juggle the family and career so that you both do each and don't feel like you are missing out on too much of either.

And that sort of person is a gem. And would have to value the family and the money - and see the at both are sacrificed, balanced, or gained.

[njsummer01]

This has been a very interesting discussion that made me think of a book I just read The Two Income Trap, which has a unique perspective on the real economic value of SAHP.

[artgoddess]

As SAHM, who feels very fortunate to have had the opportunity to be a SAHM. I have to say your friends feelings are not something I would get worked up about. Your friend sounds like she had some really difficult changes thrown at her and her life didn't turn out exactly the way she envisioned it would when she was a mom to a new born baby. And I think that's okay. She is working hard and living her life the best way that she can for her family. I would not take it as a personal slam if I had a friend who did not feel the same way as i do about the way I live my life. And as for the Dr. Laura thing, well i can't stand her either. So even though I'm a SAHM an I can't imagine living my life otherwise I might blow up at the suggestion someone needed to read her book.

[scottishmommy]

I wouldn't want a relationship with this woman. I have a few friends who get really passionate about certain life choices and the turn around and tell me how to live. It's none of their business. A friend who is really concerned would help you repair your marriage, not tell you to think about going back to work or to save up "just in case". It's insulting. We SAHMs may not be earning a lot of money, but we're not stupid.

[CourtBChase]

I haven't read the comments yet, but i think a lot of this is probably coming from your friend's experience leaving an abusive DH. Being a stay at home mother is a very vulnerable position to be in financially, and potentially very isolating, especially if you have the sort of husband that she had. She probably feels that had she been working she might have been in a better position to leave the husband sooner, and on sturdier ground financially when she did so. And for her, all of those things were probably true. If I were in your position, I would probably just tell her that you can see where she is coming from, especially given her experiences but that for *you* and your family, having a parent at home right now is the right thing to do. I wouldn't even try to debate her on the topic, because i think you are probably coming from very different initial assumptions (and so you are never going to see eye to eye).

ETA: Now that I have read the comments, I see that many people have said what I said, only better :-) i agree that she shouldn't be making snide comments about you napping all day while she working, that is uncalled for. In the end I guess only you can decide if this relationship is worth preserving, or if it is time to let it go.

[mrspineau]

I think that it isn't any of her business, yet she does have a valid point. If there is a possibility that you will be a burden to your child when they are an adult, then it is something that you should be thinking about and planning for from now. Staying home with my child is very important to me, but not more important than my family's security. If we couldn't afford for me to stay home and still live comfortably and have savings, insurance, etc., than I wouldn't do it. I think that my opinion comes from my experience with my parents and their divorce, and lack of financial planning and how it has impacted my life today. Our family is going to be responsible for taking care of both my mother and my husbands parents as well, and it is frustrating because had they planned better things would be different. Maybe she feels this way too, but you are entitled to do what you think is best for your family without a friend trying to make you feel bad about it.

[That Is Nice]

Originally Posted by mrspineau

yet she does have a valid point. If there is a possibility that you will be a burden to your child when they are an adult, then it is something that you should be thinking about and planning for from now. Staying home with my child is very important to me, but not more important than my family's security. If we couldn't afford for me to stay home and still live comfortably and have savings, insurance, etc., than I wouldn't do it. I think that my opinion comes from my experience with my parents and their divorce, and lack of financial planning and how it has impacted my life today. Our family is going to be responsible for taking care of both my mother and my husbands parents as well, and it is frustrating because had they planned better things would be different. Maybe she feels this way too, but you are entitled to do what you think is best for your family without a friend trying to make you feel bad about it.

Yes.

This is very important.

[That Is Nice]

Originally Posted by CourtBChase

I haven't read the comments yet, but i think a lot of this is probably coming from your friend's experience leaving an abusive DH. Being a stay at home mother is a very vulnerable position to be in financially, and potentially very isolating, especially if you have the sort of husband that she had. She probably feels that had she been working she might have been in a better position to leave the husband sooner, and on sturdier ground financially when she did so. And for her, all of those things were probably true. If I were in your position, I would probably just tell her that you can see where she is coming from, especially given her experiences but that for *you* and your family, having a parent at home right now is the right thing to do. I wouldn't even try to debate her on the topic, because i think you are probably coming from very different initial assumptions (and so you are never going to see eye to eye).

ETA: Now that I have read the comments, I see that many people have said what I said, only better :-) i agree that she shouldn't be making snide comments about you napping all day while she working, that is uncalled for. In the end I guess only you can decide if this relationship is worth preserving, or if it is time to let it go.

Yes. Good post.

[That Is Nice]

Originally Posted by scottishmommy

I wouldn't want a relationship with this woman. I have a few friends who get really passionate about certain life choices and the turn around and tell me how to live. It's none of their business. A friend who is really concerned would help you repair your marriage, not tell you to think about going back to work or to save up "just in case". It's insulting. We SAHMs may not be earning a lot of money, but we're not stupid.

I'm not so sure about this.

I also have a troubled marriage and DH often acts like a UAV. Many, many people here on MDC said when I was a stay-at-home mom that I needed to go back to work.

I now am back to work, and many, many people have said I can not even think of quitting my job, even when it gets overwhelming and I can't manage family and work all at once.

They are probably right.

It certainly does not seem to me - as a former stay-at-home mom and now a mom who works part time outside the home - that it is insulting to say to a stay-at-home mom "think about going back to work" or "save up" just in case, especially when a marriage becomes troubled.

I think those actions are prudent, and maybe the only ones that would ultimately save a woman if caught in a bad situation.

Sometimes some stay-at-homers seem to think that any mention of working is an attack on their choices. I assure it is not. As others have said, and as I have personally felt myself as a stay-at-home mom, when you are a stay-at-home parent you put yourself in a vulnerable economic position. If your husband/partner is fair and good, and earns a good living with no lay-offs or tragedies, things might be fine. If not, then things could get dicey and fast. That is inherent to living on just one income when that one income is someone's income (and I know a family income is the family's but when it's one earner, there is risk involved if and when things go downhill). It takes a lot of planning and a good amount of luck to weather the rough patches.

I personally have a friend who is a stay-at-home mother, and we used to be stay-at-home mothers at the same time, now she still is and I am back to work. I can not say anything about work to her or she ignores me or dismisses it.

It's too bad women can't support each other through all the stages of our lives, and recognize that talking about work to a stay-at-home mom isn't automatically a judgement or criticism.

[carmel23]

It sounds like your friend went through a very painful experience with her divorce, moving across the country, healing her abuse and healing her son's abuse.

I wouldn't take her comments personally, she is clearly talking from her experience... and her comments are true in light of her experience...

I would just kindly remind her that her experience is not every woman's experience.

[scottishmommy]

Originally Posted by That Is Nice

I'm not so sure about this.

I also have a troubled marriage and DH often acts like a UAV. Many, many people here on MDC said when I was a stay-at-home mom that I needed to go back to work.

I now am back to work, and many, many people have said I can not even think of quitting my job, even when it gets overwhelming and I can't manage family and work all at once.

They are probably right.

It certainly does not seem to me - as a former stay-at-home mom and now a mom who works part time outside the home - that it is insulting to say to a stay-at-home mom "think about going back to work" or "save up" just in case, especially when a marriage becomes troubled.

I think those actions are prudent, and maybe the only ones that would ultimately save a woman if caught in a bad situation.

Sometimes some stay-at-homers seem to think that any mention of working is an attack on their choices. I assure it is not. As others have said, and as I have personally felt myself as a stay-at-home mom, when you are a stay-at-home parent you put yourself in a vulnerable economic position. If your husband/partner is fair and good, and earns a good living with no lay-offs or tragedies, things might be fine. If not, then things could get dicey and fast. That is inherent to living on just one income when that one income is someone's income (and I know a family income is the family's but when it's one earner, there is risk involved if and when things go downhill). It takes a lot of planning and a good amount of luck to weather the rough patches.

I personally have a friend who is a stay-at-home mother, and we used to be stay-at-home mothers at the same time, now she still is and I am back to work. I can not say anything about work to her or she ignores me or dismisses it.

It's too bad women can't support each other through all the stages of our lives, and recognize that talking about work to a stay-at-home mom isn't automatically a judgement or criticism.

I believe that if a woman is planning on leaving her husband it's a good idea to get a job. But if a woman is not planning on leaving I don't think it's a good idea for her to go back to work "just in case". I thinks it's better to fix the marriage, not to build a potential exit strategy. I just think that it would be the end of their marriage if the husband found out. I certainly would have a tough time trusting my husband if our roles were reversed and he did that to me. If a woman needs to get out of her marriage, then she should obviously get a job.