Need Advise About My 4 Year Old's Behavior

[Bmanchester]

I need help with my 4 year old DD. She is in preschool (head start) and is having some agression issues at school. She has been in the program since November (we started a late) and is still having issues adjusting (the teachers have told she has improved).

This is her first time in a group childcare situation, she has either been with me or my mother. The teachers tell me that she will not listen and follow the rules and that she has singled out 2 children to take her anger out on. She is engaged and having fun at school (so the teachers say). She also will not stay sitting a buckled on the bus, and she will hide from the teachers.

There is very little communication between the school and myself so I only hear about this when I call them. DD is not like this at home. She does have her bad days like any kid. Most of the time she plays very well with her little sister and is not as agressive with her as she used to be. They have learned to share with each other and get along well.

This is breaking my heart! I want her to like school and she is always telling me she hates it (the teachers say she has fun when she is there). I don't think it is a great program. I need to know what I can do to help my baby!! I want her to be able to control herself so she can enjoy school and make friends. I just don't know what to do.

Beth

[ChetMC]

Honestly

I think this is a really tough situation to be in. Honestly though, if it were me, I would withdraw my child from the program.

It's preschool. A child doesn't need to go to preschool. The combination of her saying that she doesn't want to be there, and her exhibiting so many negative behaviours that you don't see at home would be enough for me call it quits.

[pbjmama]

My ds often says he doesn't want to go to school. Every day I tell him we will go to school and if he doesn't want to stay he doesn't have to. When we get there I always mention the main activity for the day and he always smiles and says okay I will stay!

I would make an appointment for as soon as possible to have a conference with the teacher. Se what specific things are going on and ask how you can help.

[ZoshaMosha]

I don't have a lot of experience with Head Start, though my impression is that they are not great. Some people have great experiences. But if you say the program is not good, and she says she hates it and is acting out negatively, I think it's probably time to look for alternatives.

What other programs do you have available to you? Have you checked out any co-ops in your area? Often, a lot of them provide scholarships. Or is there/could you start a preschool homeschool group?

A bad preschool program could be
--very boring
--unreasonably punitive
--not understanding of a child's needs

All of which likely contribute to bad behavior at school.

[eepster]

My DS (3 1/2 yo when problem started) was having some problems with hitting at school at the beginning of the year too. We took him to a developememtal Dr and she recommended an evaluation with an occupational therapist and a physical therapist.

The physical therapist only saw us twice, but recommended some balance exercises and px'd orthotics so he doesn't wobble into other kids which tended to then escalate into pushing and shoving. We have been seening the occupational therapist every week. She works on giving DS more appropriate ways to fill his sensory needs.

It has helped greatly.

DS had gotten to a point where he often didn't want to go to school even though he had friends and did fun things there, b/c he was just upset about getting in trouble so often. I never just made him go with out support from me, but I also did not just give up. I would go in with him and stay for a little while. We also had a few weeks of going for just an hour so he could have successful days where every thing went well. Once he had a number of days without problems he started looking forward to school again.

[attached2ethan]

I found your post interesting, as I've been through this with each of my children at one time or another.

With my older son, who started preschool at 4 and is now in first grade, JUST started having problems with aggression this year when we switched to a new school that he didn't like. We've been working through it all year and it is getting much better, but we're lucky to have very communicative, observant teachers (it's a Montessori school, and I LOVE everything about it, so going back to the "cow-in-a-herd" mentality of public school is really not an option). We recently discovered that he's got some sensory problems and this was a huge factor in his anger issues- he was getting really frustrated. Since we've started OT, and acknowledged his feelings and behavior a bit more, I've noticed major improvement. Communication with teachers is paramount- I would insist on more notes, emails, phone calls, and conferences.

With DS #2, age 4, he started part time preschool at 3 years old and we had horrid behavior/aggression issues and came to realize that it was the teacher- they just clashed! We moved him to another class and he did beautifully. This year I am homeschooling him for pre-k and it's been a dream- his aggression is definitely fueled when he feels disrespected, unheard, and restricted by the authority figure. He'll be starting Montessori for Kindergarten next year and I am hoping that will be a good environment for him as well

It's so hard when you can't be there to see it, and for me it was hard to imagine my sweet baby being so mean- but I've seen it at home a few times too, and I think periods of aggression are normal for some kids who have strong personalities, etc...it's working through them thats hard. At any rate, don't be afraid to seek out other options if you are unhappy or think that your little one is unhappy where she's at. Talk to her a lot, and listen to what she has to say about things

Jessica, Mom of Three
DS #1 (age 7)
DS #2 (age 4)
DD due soon!