Does anyone else have this problem as a sahm?

[FoxintheSnow]

I'm a sahm and have some friends who are wohms. I get asked every so often to watch one of their kids because they have off from school or pick them them up for school etc. I can do it for them and sometimes don't mind, but feel like the fact that Im a sahm is being taken advantage of. When I ask if they can reciprocate the answer is basically no because they have to work. Well I work too. My job is my kids. I guess it's more flexible than a typical 9-5, but still it's my job.

I thought the solution would be to ask for her (there is one in particular who is the worst about this) to babysit at night so dh and I could have a date night. She went into this whole thing about how when she is finally done with work for the day she is tired/busy/etc and doesn't have the energy to babysit.

At this point Im no longer giving out the free babysitting because it's obviously unfair and not reciprocated.

I just hate the expectation that because I'm a sahm, I'm on call for free babysitting.

[HappyFox05]

I don't have any friends with kids who live nearby, but this does seem a bit unfair. It would be nice if they would reciprocate. (Although it would also be nice if DD had someone to play with a couple of times during the week other than me & DD#2 (4 months old).) If it were me (and it was me in the past, I worked for a few months after DD#1 was born), I wouldn't expect a friend to watch my kids just cause "you're home all day". Hugs, Mama.

[CatsCradle]

I'm a WOHM and I would never dream of asking neighbors or friends to (both SAHM or other) to watch my DD or to pick her up from school. I'm sorry, but that is just taking advantage and is ill-mannered. DH and I schedule our time around DD. Heck, there have been times when I have had to go and pick up DD from school and bring her back to the office with me. Sounds like your neighbors/friends have no respect for your time, so I would not hesitate to say no the next time any of them ask. Better to nip it in the bud than let it spiral out of control. I didn't see anything in your post about getting paid to watch their children. No pay? no reciprocation? That's just rude.

[maptome]

I am a SAHM now, but I don't have the same experience. Your story does remind me of when I was a teenager. I had a much younger brother that I would pick up from school. His friends' parents were always asking for rides home, or to come over to our house after school. I was young, nice, and naive, so I gave away hundreds if not thousands of hours of free babysitting. Later in life, I felt VERY negative about these experiences. It has made me cynical of people and ungenerous.

If I could give advice to my younger self, I would say to only help people who are appreciative. Take care of yourself before you take care of others. Help if you want to help, and not just because someone asks. Take care of yourself and your family. Don't get taken advantage of, but give if it serves you as well.

[Ornery]

I see this with a SAHM in my neighborhood. She is very, very nice and we have actually traded babysitting a few times (we both SAH). She has told me about a few neighborhood families that constantly take advantage of her. I feel badly for her as she wants to help but feels like she is being used.

I've yet to be put in that position and I'm not sure how I would handle it. Hopefully with tact and grace!

[zinemama]

I have a wohm friend and I happily take her kids anytime she needs me in those circumstances. The difference is, we are true friends, and I know I can count on her to take my kids so dh and I can go out at night, or have them sleep over. And since she's a university professor, there's plenty of time in the summer when we trade childcare regularly.

I don't think this is a sahm vs. wohm thing, but a personality issue. You're dealing with an individual who is taking advantage of you. Believe me, not all wohms think of us as free babysitting. Real friends don't think that way.

[htcamommy]

I have seen this happen with some of my sahm friends. It has even happened to me a time or two. My dh's ex wife called and asked if her dd's could babysit her son while they were at my house. Well hmmmm they were homeschooling so guess who did the babysitting. A solution was given to me by my sah cousin. Say "sure just as long as you know I am VERY strict and believe in spanking. If you leave your child in my care and they misbehave then I will spank them." You can follow this up by getting real religious in the conversation. This usually gets them to call some other sucker.

[Fay]

"Yes, I would be happy to pick up your child. I charge $8 per hour plus gas."

I think zinemama said it perfectly.

[wildmonkeys]

See, I look at this a little differently, I WANT to be the house that everyone is in a pattern of having their kids go to....

When they get a bit bigger and shut everyone out...I want the neighborhood kids to come HERE with MY KIDS.

They'll be big before we know it --- look at it with a bit of strategy mamas!

[ledzepplon]

I don't mind helping a mom out in a pinch. I can see how it would be annoying if the other moms are never willing to reciprocate, though. But if you don't want to do it, can't you just say no?

[Hokulele]

I would find that very frustrating. I often offer to watch friends' kids and do it gladly (it makes things easier for me when my DD1 has a friend over!) But I would NOT feel so great about things if it was always asked of me and not reciprocated. I agree with zinemama - real friends don't think that way. It sounds to me as though your friend doesn't fully grasp what a huge amount of work it is to SAHM. Doesn't she imagine YOU are tired at the end of YOUR day??!??

And yes, I see what wildmonkeys is saying about wanting to be that house in the neighborhood where everyone wants to be. I want our house to be that too - and in many respects we are. But that is very different - the kids show up unannounced and come in when we are home and available and it is convienent for me. I don't have to rearrange my schedule constantly to be sure to be home to look after them.

[EviesMom]

I do it sometimes, but it has to be reciprocal or it's just unfair. If someone doesn't reciprocate, and not just that there's a specific day where they're busy, but an in general "no, I'm too tired, I never want to watch your kid in return;" then don't watch their child(ren) again. You can say "no, I'm too busy" just the same way they can.

[craft_media_hero]

No no no no no.

You babysit for money, honey! Or trade in kind. Otherwise, no.

eta-- I don't mean that it always has to be a money thing, but the other party should at least be willing to reciprocate in one form or another at times.

[Amys1st]

I want to be and we are, that house that everyone goes to. The kids are comfortable here and and yes, I am home.

That said, its very reciprical here. Yes, I would be happy to pick up your child today at school and let her stay here until you pick her up at 5:30, because you're in a bind. But, would you kindly pick up a gallon of milk on your way home and just give it to me, I ran out and cannot get it because I am busy with your child. ( I am not paying you for it) I picked up your child, fed them a snack, helped them during homework time and generally watched them for their well being. I have never had anyone expect payment on anything I had them pickup. But if they did, they wont be asking me for any favors.

I have a huge network of other parents around here and its well worth it. The person who expects anyone to do anything just because they are available is going to find themself friendless really soon IME and IMHO.

[TinkerBelle]

If I needed someone in a pinch, I would gladly pay them or reciprocate. I don't understand those who would not.