Help with siblings not getting along :(

[MamaMamaMama!]

My older son (6) has never been very crazy about his younger sister (4). There was never any bad sibling rivalry (at least partly because I bent over backwards when she was a baby and a toddler to make sure I didn't change the way I acted towards him just because of the new sibling) but in the beginning he just wasn't very interested in her, and that evolved into him generally barely tolerating her being around when she was a toddler.

Now that she is old enough to do pretty much everything he can do he will play with her, but only on his terms and when he's bored with anything else he can come up with. He easily gets annoyed with her and ends up yelling at her often.

I've always let him know that he is free to feel any way he wants to about anyone, and that he never has to play with her or let her in his room if he doesn't want to, but that he must be kind and respectful. He has needed a lot of reminders on this.

She, on the other hand, adores him. If he finishes his dessert first she will offer him some of hers (he always takes it, and never reciprocates). She will help him pick up his toys if he asks her (he will never do the same for her). If he is crying she will pet his head (in which case he will yell at her to stop touching him).

Today he came out of his karate class and she came running up to hug him; he shoved her down to get away from her and she hurt her head. I was FURIOUS!!! I am having a hard time calming down and approaching the situation in a balanced way, partly because I was a second child who got a lot of bullying and put-downs from my older sister, and it was really harmful for my self-esteem growing up, and even now as an adult. I think that my parents could/should have done something to make my life easier, and I don't want my daughter to think that it's okay for anyone to treat her like a second-class citizen.

On the other hand I can't make him like her, and that is the real problem. He is a wonderful child who knows very well how to treat people that he loves nicely, he just doesn't love her He actually said this to me...it breaks my heart. Is there anything I can do?

[Just1More]

The only thing that comes to mind for me is that people love what is important to them. It sounds like, thus far, she has been, for lack of a better word, expendable in his life.

What about some project for them to do together that will only be successful if they both cooperate. And no outside help. I'm having a hard time coming up with something that wouldn't just be arbitrary. Something like...training a puppy? Or a paper route (but they are too little)? Painting the play room? Or...I dunno. Just something that would teach them...fighting and no fighting....to "fall in love" with each other. A common enemy and something that is long lasting and is special to just them.

???

[lookatreestar]

i couldnt read and not offer

[MamaMamaMama!]

I think that is exactly it...he doesn't put any value on her. Ugh, that's so awful, but that's it.

You are on to something on the "common enemy" thing, too. I need to brainstorm on that one.

Thanks for your replies.

[sunnmama]

Sounds like a tough situation.

I agree with pp that you need to foster a sense of "we" in them. My kids are 9 and 3--so a big age split--but definitely have that sense of "we". I am often amused to observe that the common enemy is Mom and Dad! lol! Us against them : Not in a bad way, but in a "how much candy can we get dad to agree to today" way, or "how quietly can we build a fort with ALL the blankets in the house before mom notices" Dd (9) will have ds (3) use his puppy-dog eyes to get what they want, lolol!

Do you refer to them as a unit?

Originally Posted by MamaMamaMama!

On the other hand I can't make him like her, and that is the real problem. He is a wonderful child who knows very well how to treat people that he loves nicely, he just doesn't love her He actually said this to me...it breaks my heart. Is there anything I can do?

I would explain to your son that love is an action, in addition to a feeling. Explain that you don't always have warm, loving feelings toward dd, your partner, or even him (can use the example of when he pushed dd for wanting a hug, and how angry it made you), but you always LOVE dd, dp, and him....and it is your responsibility to ACT with love even when it doesn't feel "good". Similarly, it is his responsibility to act with love toward his sister--a valuable member of the family. When my older child has been nasty to her little brother, I sometimes use the wording "I would NEVER let someone treat you that way. And I won't let anyone--including you--treat him that way."

[Surfacing]

subbing to come back later and read

[Passport Kids]

I would love to get some new ideas on this too. Our DS is 8 and DD almost 5. I agree w/the "we" thing needs to be fostered, but its so hard to find ways when they are bickering and driving each other crazy!