i hit my daughter today - Page 2

[BCFD]

Sounds very stressful...i'm so sorry. I have a 5 1/2 year old that I tend to let get away with more things than my 4 and 3 year old. She's my first born (through adoption) after 4 years of struggling with infertility. She is also very loving and sweet and sensitive, but painfully stubborn. I always joke around and say that I should let my 4 year old get away with everything because she is ALWAYS so helpful and dependable (and sweet, loving, funny, etc.).

Anyway, my 5 1/2 year old has been working towards a pet mouse. We made a little chart that looked like a game board and for every day that she did well at school and did more than 2 jobs (she's in Montessori) she would get a star. I LOATHE extrinsic "rewards", but she seemed to take great pride in seeing her accomplishment. Lately, she has somewhat slacked off and not as interested in the chart, but still talks about her mouse.

The other day she was whiny the entire morning, refused to cooperate in school, only did a language job (that still wasn't finished when I came to pick her up for the day), got home and refused to help me pick up a horribly messy toy room...and then topped it off by laughing at me when I raised my voice and told her that she needed to clean up or I was going to start throwing toys away. She said, "Go ahead...throw them away!" Well, I freakin' lost it!! I totally overreacted by making her take her "mouse chart" down off the wall and throwing it in the garbage. She was hysterical and in my anger I realized that this was something she had been working really hard on (and was veery proud of) for months. I came to my senses and went into the bathroom and cried my eyes out. I came back out, sat down with her, hugged her (still crying like a baby! ) and told her that I was very wrong and shouldn't have taken down her chart. She started crying and said, "Mommy, you ripped down the picture that I drew of me and my mouse." and my heart broke into a million pieces. Man...not only did I destroy her hard work, but I also destroyed her ART work. I felt horribly, horribly guilty.

I talked to a good friend (whom I admire so much when it comes to GD and interacting peacefully with children) and she told me that I should re-negotiate with her. I LOVED that idea! So, we sat down again and DD told me that she really didn't like the chart, so we decided that she could still have the mouse as a kindergarten graduation present, *BUT* she still had to continue working hard in school.

I think it's important to admit when you are wrong to your children. We are only human. ((HUGS!))

[mama2toomany]

I have been thinking about you a lot mama, I hope you and your dd are well.

I would totally drop this after you have had a talk with her, do not punish yourself over and over again begging for forgiveness. It will just keep bringing it back up, and what you want to do is move forward.

Your in my thoughts.

[RaelynsMama]

I'm going to lay it all on the line for you. I've been there, both as the parent and as the child. As a child, I was NEVER hit, except for once. My mother was very, very anti-hitting. I remember the incident clearly. She was sitting on the counter with her sister, I believe, and I was not allowed to do that. I tested my limits, tried out a new word I had learned and called her a hypocrite. She of course, was livid. She sent me to my room and I stomped away like an angry 10 year old. She jumped off the counter and smacked me HARD on the back. I ran to my room, angry, hurt, betrayed, embarrassed, and slammed the door. She ran after me and yelled something in my face about slamming the door, and slammed the door harder. I tell you this, not to make you feel bad, but to illustrate what happened. I was also very sensitive and I do still remember it, but it, in no way, defines my childhood. My mother was/is a loving, caring, nurturing mother who I actually try to emulate. I remember the incident, yes, but I remember her love more. I know I was out of line, did that make it right? Not at all. But I understand how we act out in anger and I don't hold it against her as an adult. She never apologized afterwards either - we're a proud, stubborn breed. But I know she was sorry. And I know she loves me more than anything, then and now.

Now for more confessions. I have a two year old who I have tried to do AP with. Unfortunately, GD hasn't always been my strong suit. All of her first year, I think, was fine, but after she turned a year old, she became much more independent and pushed her limits a lot more. My daughter, is so, so sensitive, and I haven't always been sensitive to her needs. I've yelled before, I've given her bottom a swat before, her hand when she's hit me, and even her mouth once when she spit at me. She was always destroyed. It made everything worse. I hate admitting this. I hate the awful way it makes me feel. But I still love her fiercely, and she loves me just the same.

I'm not perfect, and she knows that, but I try. Unfortunately, in anger, we often do things we do not mean, we often act out in ways that we regret, we often act without thinking, which is the most damaging. I think all of the love I give her outshine the incidents when I'm less than my best. We still BF, CS, and we have plenty of smiles, hugs and kisses. I've had to forgive myself, as you have to forgive yourself. Every day is a new day. I'm not the most patient by nature, so I work on my patience constantly. It's always happened during those times when she's tired, I'm tired, she's overwhelmed, I'm stressed, etc. Anger breeds more easily when your defenses are down. I'm not proud of how I've acted in anger, but I try not to hold it against myself, and I'm grateful she doesn't hold it against me.

I admire your strength in being able to write your story. I think as mothers, one of our biggest fears is judgement, and I've shared both of my stories to show you that it happens. It's awful but it does. But in both cases, we've been able to move on, heal, and love. With my daughter, if I lose my temper and yell, I try to apologize and own up to it. I can't tell her to not yell and then yell when she refuses to get dressed and I'm in a rush or something. I think talking with your DD will help her to understand what happened, and maybe see it in a new light. It's not right of her father to not answer his phone if he is doing it purposely. You are a loving, devoted mother who made a mistake. Everyone makes mistakes. Don't be too hard on yourself. This will all be resolved soon. Best of luck to you, I wish you both healing and peace right now.


EDIT - something that helps me tremendously is that every morning when I Get up, I intend to have a great day, be the best mama I can be, and joyfully choose patience at every opportunity. I've learned that when I get stressed out, I am easier to anger, and I have to let the stress go before the anger happens. I take deep breaths, do some stretches, smile, and remember to act and not react. She also is very in tune with me and feeds off of my stress, I often find that when she is 'acting out' it's in response to my tension that I hadn't consciously noticed, and by relaxing, she relaxes too.

[blithespirit]

I am so grateful for your honest and thoughful post and for (most of) the replies. We are human. We make mistakes. It's what we learn from them that counts. I really needed to read this today. Yesterday I jerked a kitchen utencil from my daughter when she wouldn't give it to me and she cut her finger. I cried for a very long time with her and it was aweful. I couldn't believe how I had hurt her and started really thinking about where she is and what I'm doing in response to where she is. I also realized immediately that 1. I need some me time. 2. I need to ask for help. I have a two year old and a newborn, just had an unplanned and unwanted c-section 3. I need to attend an attachment parenting meeting 4. I need to breathe and count to ten before I react to my two year old... I think we have to forgive ourselves, learn and move on or we will be shaming ourselves in a way that will only do harm and distance us from our beloved children.

Thanks for your post. You are obviously a wonderful mother. You will move past this as will I and as all moms and dads have to when we make a mistake. I think that is good roll modeling for our children who will also make mistakes. We have to show them how to learn and how to forgive themselves and others. Big hugs for you Mama.

[justKate]

OP, to you.

Wanted to share a story, hoping it will make you feel better:

M parents "swatted" my brother and me very rarely when we were little (maybe up to five?) to "get our attention." My brother and I usually laughed about it.

When I was 13, I called my mom a bitch--something like, "why do you have to be such a bitch about it." She slapped me HARD across the face. She had just come home from work, it was in the evening, she was tired. I was having teenager drama, I'm sure. I was so shocked, and I guess she was too. We both cried. She never slapped me again and I have NEVER called her that again. I'm 29. We're best friends now. You know what? Seeing how much it upset my mom that she slapped me without thinking--crying together--showed me that she loved me, and brought us closer in the long run. It is something that I'll remember forever, but it didn't scar me one bit.

I think your daughter will be fine.