Just told DH I want to separate. . .

[NeverLearns]

then got on the internet. Was going to look at divorce info, but decided to come here instead. Went and took a ppd checklist, I was sure I didn't have ppd, but since I just had the baby a few months ago and basically hate my life most of the time, figured I would check it out. Pretty sure now I'm depressed. Not sure if it's ppd so much as just "regular" depression, 'cause I've had depression on and off my whole life (like since I was a kid, as long as I can remember).

Got a new screen name so friends don't see this thread. We have dd1 (2.5 years old) and dd2 (3.5 months old). He took the two kids to the park. Said earlier that if we get divorced, he wants dd1 and will quit his job and move to Costa Rica with her. 'Cause he just can't deal with life here and being unhappy and all that. That was our plan, to move to CR and try to be happy there.

I just now realize that I cannot accept love and support in my life. I am driving away a really great husband. The more he tries to help me, support me, give me a break, tell me I'm a great mom, etc. - the more I yell, snap, scold, and generally am unhappy with him.

I am totally overwhelmed having a second child. I feel totally uncapable as a mother. I am always calling dh to rescue me during the day. And then I give him sh*t, right when he's trying to help me.

I feel like I've never really been a happy person. Like I wish I could be doing so many other things, but I can't cause I'm trapped with these kids and of course I've chosen a relatively AP style of parenting, which just makes life harder. I want to be a SAHM, but I suck at it. My toddler is in preschool now, it's a great school, but I feel really guilty about it. I just feel like I can't give her what she needs day in and day out.

I try talking to him about how I feel, then he says something that bothers me, so I give up and tell him to just leave me alone, that there's no point talking to him, it never works out. I feel like I could write a 20-page post about all the things I don't like in my life. I can't seem to bring myself to start doing anything about them. When I try, I just feel like life has a way of pushing me back down. Like there's just no point in even trying.

I don't really want to loose him, but sometimes I think that if I can get away from him, I can rebuild my life the way I want it to be. I am also just awful to him so much that I think he may be better off without me.

Don't know why I'm posting this, guess I just want someone to tell me they've had it REALLY BAD and pulled through somehow. 'Cause I don't know what I'm going to do.

Posting this in Personal Growth, because this isn't so much about the depression, I just don't feel like I'm good at LIVING in general. . .

[Vancouver Mommy]

Having a two year old and a new baby is overwhelming. For everybody. But it really does get better with time. Please be gentle with yourself and find yourself some help. You really do sound depressed. If you love your husband, show him what you wrote and ask for his help. I know what it's like to push away the people you love in an effort to avoid loss but it doesn't work. Have you looked into resources in your area for individual or couples counselling, PPD counselling and support or parenting groups? I don't know where you live, but most communities have some sort of support. I know it's hard but try to pull the love toward you rather than push it away. You deserve to be loved and cared for.

[windsorheightsmom]

Please don't make a rash decision to separate or divorce. That is not going to solve your PPD or make you magically able to rebuild your life the way you want it to be.

By the way, you do NOT have to be a SAHM to be an AP mom. It sounds like you might be happier working outside the home, and as long as your children have a consistent and loving care arrangement, they will be fine.

Attachment Parenting International has forums on their site, where you might be able to find support regarding some of your feelings about parenting. But that is not a substitute for seeking counseling for your PPD.

I know that when you're depressed everything seems hopeless, but a good counselor can really help. Also, just having your hormones level out and getting the hang of balancing two children's needs makes everything easier after a while.

Marital counseling for the two of you would probably be a good idea too. It sounds like he wants to be supportive but doesn't know how to help you. Men often get frustrated when they can't "fix" what is wrong.

This might not be necessary to say, but if your marriage can't be saved in the end, it would be a really bad idea to split up the children and have one of you move to a different country. Moving to Costa Rica might be wonderful for you as a family (I used to live abroad myself), but not a good idea for one parent with one child.

[GearGirl]

Please get help for your ppd. It can make life seem overwhelming, but it will pass. It will. Having a newborn is hard, even without ppd! You are pretty "stuck" with a newborn, but suddenly they are toddlers, and then school age. It goes fast. It doesn't sound like separating from your dh is helpful right now. It sounds like you should seek help for ppd and regular depression, and that perhaps your dh should as well. I'm sorry you are in a hard place!

[Kivgaen]

I'm basing this assumption solely on what you wrote above, so if it's wrong I apologize in advance...

But my gut reaction tells me that you are not okay with you -- with or without your husband.

Is this really HIS issue, or your issues together, or is it really a problem with you?

I can see similarities with what you have written and with my own life. I have similar reactions with my husband too, but I've come to realize that the problem isn't with him. He's great! He's loving, he's supportive, he cares about me and the kids, he works damn hard.

All of the problems that we have been having have been with me. Somewhere along the way, I lost myself.

I'm re-connecting with me, and it's making a HUGE difference. I'm taking the time to get out and do the things that are important to me (Choir, guitar lessons, playing piano, working part-time, etc). It's making a HUGE difference in my self esteem, in my moods and my energy.

I'm also going to bed at a decent hour, and taking better care of myself. I started exercising and intend to keep it up at least 3 times/week.

I'm taking an iron supplement (I'm a bit anemic, and I find the iron helps with my energy levels).

I agree with what the others have said -- are you really depressed because of your relationship with your husband, or is your husband really just an innocent bystander caught in the middle of your depression?

[tinybutterfly]

No advice. Just a