Convincing DH about VBAC, plus some venting

[luchadora13]

My DS was born 4 months ago by c/s due to ftp. I really want a VBAC next time around, but based on my initial investigation, I will not be able to do it anywhere near where I live. My DH says I need to "just accept" that my next pregnancy will end with another c/s.

After he said that I just clamped up and haven't discussed it any further, b/c I know it just won't go well. Instead, I found this forum!

(Right now, any attempt to discuss it with him would just lead to me blaming him for things going wrong the first time around. WHICH I DO NOT WANT TO DO. Here's the story:

I had a birth plan. He said it was too long and complicated for him to enforce. He said he would rewrite it. He didn't. When he asked me to prioritize the list, I didn't handle it well, and I think that made him start to disregard the whole thing....But we agreed that the 2 most important things were 1) Ability to move and 2) Ability to bond with baby after birth. I also reiterated that I wanted everything to be peaceful, keep tensions low and the mood relaxed.

Well, during the pregnancy, DH did not read anything to prepare. I checked out the book "Birth Partner." He read the first few pages and then disregarded with some critical comment. He tried to discourage from me reading any literature about the medical model of care because he said it would just make me worry about having to go the hospital. (No midwives serve my area.) I did read quite a bit, but as I got closer to the due date I could feel myself getting tense about it...so I stopped reading So I never got to the part about how to deal with stalled labors.

Anyways, at the hospital during my labor, my birth plan went out the window. They said I had to be bedridden b/c my water was broke and there was a risk of cord prolapse...even though the head was engaged! I beat myself up for not thinking to argue, but I was busy laboring. Why didn't he question their reasoning?!?! When they said I couldn't even get up to use the restroom, but instead had to use a bedpan, I complained, but did not argue. WHY DIDN'T HE? When they ordered Pitocin, my DH did at least ask them to wait a little longer to see if my cx would pick up. (The cx had slowed when i got to the hospital) When they finally said that it was time to start the Pitocin, I foolishly thought that I should go ahead and get an epidural, 'cause I always thought of them going hand in hand. I was not in very much pain at the time. Why didn't my DH stop me, to at least talk about it? To make sure that was what I really wanted?

To be fair, this was our first time experiencing birth. We are surrounded by folks who embrace the traditional model of care and think that natural childbirth is just craziness. I did not ever tell my DH, "I need a birth coach. If you are going to do this, you need to read. You need to be prepared." I never thought to ask him if he felt prepared.

I guess one day I should share all this with him....but all that REALLY matters is that he support me as I try to move forward towards the next birth. To be honest, the thing that haunts me the most about the c/s is that it supposedly has fixed into stone my future deliveries.

If I could have a VBAC in town it sure would be a lot easier. We could have had the 1st birth at a birthing center, but even with that my DH did not want to travel, saying it would be easier on him and the family to have it at the local hospital. To be fair, he kept saying that if it was REALLY important to me we could go elsewhere, but I thought it would be OK to do in the local hospital, not ideal, but OK. I foolishly didn't think it would end up in c/s!

So now that we have a son, the "easier on the family" argument is even stronger against me going out of town for a VBAC.

Anyone else had to struggle to convince their DH that VBAC is the way to go? Any advice?

[mollikins]

My DH definitely took some convincing. His primary concern is for my well-being and the baby's, and in his mind, once a c-section, always a c-section.

It took a lot of researching on my part, and discussion about WHY I wanted a VBAC so badly, for him to come around. I found everything I could supporting the safety of VBAC given my medical history (single low horizontal incision, double layer suture, under 30, normal BMI, no pregnancy complications, etc). I wanted him to come in and talk with my OB about it, but scheduling didn't work out so I just took a list of questions he had in and shared her answers with him. Essentially what it came down to as far as safety goes, is that although there is a slightly increased risk of neonatal death with a trial of labor vs. repeat section, there is also increased risk of maternal death and significant complications with repeat section. As hard as it sounds, I told him it was more important to me to be around as a mother to the daughter we have, than to worry about the death of a baby we don't have yet.

The other things I shared with him were the following: 1) easier recovery for me = more ability to care for both of our children, less time he needs to take off work, etc. 2) pregnancy risks go up with each subsequent section, so if we want more than 2 kids VBAC is definitely the way to go (I knew this would help b/c he would like at least 3). 3)I need to at least try for the VBAC. He knows that I am stubborn as all heck, but hearing that I am willing to have a c-section if and when it becomes necessary made him feel better. I think he felt like I was just hell bent for leather on a vaginal birth, but honestly if I get into the same situation as last time despite all my best efforts, I will take a c-section and be very happy to have the baby delivered that way if that's what she needs.

Definitely sit down and talk with him. If you're anything like me, it might help to write some things out beforehand so you dont' get so emotional about it.

Good luck!

[AustinMom]

After our first baby that ended up in unsupported labor, and then cesarean, I had A LOT of resentment towards my husband. He didn't read anything either, it's wasn't a priority to him, he didn't want a Doula because he felt she would step on his toes, etc. It took about 6 months in marriage counseling for me to really get it across to him how bad it hurt not having his support. It was hard, but in order to move forward to future births, you need to deal with the past. Not dwell on it, just validate it and give it the attention it needs. Time doesn't, sadly, heal all.

This time, we are HBACing, with a Doula as well. He's supportive, although he hasn't read anything yet and we are half way done with the pregnancy, I have realistic expectations for him, and have hired help (Doula).

I know how hard it is to walk away from your baby's birth, feel unsupported, unvalidated, and feel the need to just move on because that is what every one else around is saying to do. It's not ok, and you need to grieve and address the issue.

As far as advice goes, I'd sit down with a third party, mediator, therapist, etc, and both really hear each other. He may very well be feeling guilt for not supporting you and just doesn't know how to show it, and doesn't want to fail again with a VBAC. Not saying he is in the right, but both of us needed to hear each other and it helped a lot in our marriage. It took us almost 12 mo postpartum to get it all out (only 6 mo in therapy) but we needed to as it really started to take a HUGE toll on our marriage.

Much love to you.

[onyxravnos]

GET A DOULA! not one that HE likes one that YOU like
insist on going somewhere you feel safe and supported in your vbac. he is not giving birth - you are.

as far as 'easier on the family' having mom cut open in bed for 3-5 days then in pain for 2 + weeks (not to mention possible complications) is by no means 'easier' or even 'quicker' on the family. It is difficult to care for the new baby much less an older child in that state.

My first son was a c/s my 2cd a planed UBAC at home. Son 1 i was in bed for 4 days and could hardly walk or hold him for more then a feqw mintues before i got too tired. And two weeks of being so tired even trying to go to the store much less take care of a baby.

2cd son i was walking slowly but up and about next day. took the kids to mcdonalds to play, held the baby, got to the store.... everything took a wee bit longer but i was able. Had i had another c/s? Nope... wouldn;t of been able to do any child care at all.

[Storm Bride]

Originally Posted by luchadora13

So now that we have a son, the "easier on the family" argument is even stronger against me going out of town for a VBAC.

No. It's really not. Looking after an existing child (toddler or whatever) while recovering from surgery is really hard. How hard depends partly on your recovery, but that's not predictable, either. I can assure you that screaming at your toddler, because they just crashed into your incision, while trying to give you a hug is not easy on the family.

I'm not sure what to suggest, though. DH knew I'd done a lot of research, and while he was still nervous, he also knew it wasn't his body being cut open, yk?

[MissE]

Originally Posted by onyxravnos

GET A DOULA! not one that HE likes one that YOU like
insist on going somewhere you feel safe and supported in your vbac. he is not giving birth - you are.
.

Yeah that...

It sounds a lot like you are trying to satisfy HIS wishes when YOU are the one doing the work, in labor.

My DH wasn't happy about my idea to VBAC at all in the beginning but he LOVED the idea of having a doula because that way the pressure was off of him. I'm glad I had my doula, I'm sure I would have had the VBAC no matter what but my doula helped me and my husband through labor a whole lot better than just me and him.

I kept leaving paperwork in the bathroom about VBAC statistics, a page from "Silent Knife" where the pain of a woman after a c/s was written down, he saw me bawl my eyes out while watching "Business of being born" and my doula also talked to him about the risks and benefits of a VBAC and after everything he told me to go ahead, he trusted me and he wanted the VBAC just as much. It was however quite a fight first with him. Maybe your DH will come around eventually.

First of all though...it's about what YOU want. Good luck.

[TCA2008]

Although not really about VBACs, rent the movie the Business of Being Born - it is easy to watch (much easier than trying to convince your husband to read a book), and might be quite eye opening and enlightening for your husband to learn about the beauty of natural birth and the harms of over intervention.

That might be a great start, see how he reacts to watching just this one movie, and then go from there.

[mediumcrunch]

If he thinks it will inconvnience him if you need to drive a-ways for a VBAC, make sure he understands how much of the care of your first child will fall on his shoulders while you recover from a C-section and care for a newborn.
It seems that you will have to come at this from how it will affect him and his family, since that seems to be his primary concern.

[valkyrja]

i had DS by C-section 17 months ago and am hoping to VBAC my DD soon (my due date is next week I started early in my pregnancy to convince my husband that VBAC was really the best option for us. I congratulate you for being ahead of the curve and already discussing this with your husband. my DH is very pragmatic and before I made my case he wanted to believe in that my previous OB was right in objecting VBAC and insisting on repeat section at 39 weeks. so I prepared my arguments with him by reading and pointing out chapters in books, i really liked these books:
"The Thinking Woman's Guide to a Better Birth" by Henci Goer
"DON'T CUT ME AGAIN! True Stories About Vaginal Birth After Cesarean (VBAC)" by Angela J. Hoy
"The VBAC Companion: The Expectant Mother's Guide to Vaginal Birth After Cesarean" by Diana Korte
"Ina May's Guide to Childbirth" by Ina May Gaskin
we also watched the DVD "The business of being born" (my DH FELL ASLEEP half way through )
I contacted a local midwife team and ICAN group, interviewed DOULAs and my husband attended a VBAC lecture with me and a Bradley method class and half way through the pregnancy, he was really on board with me, we changed providers...there are so many arguments to be made in favor of VBAC, fx. i pointed out to him how cynical it is that the OBs recommend amniocentesis whereas they are against VBACs - both in the same "risk" category...it really didn't take him too long to become an enthusiastic VBAC supporter and he really loves the idea of having a DOULA present because he really couldn't handle the stress in labor very well. he absolutely failed me and now i understand that i was asking and expecting too much of him...he is a "problem solver" so seeing me in pain he wanted a QUICK FIX (painkillers, epidurals, and eventually a section) ...i refused pain medication and he kept arguing with me, while i was in labor that i should get an epidural...and instead of being a soothing birth partner we ended up fighting while i was in labor about how i didn't want to take pain meds and other things...We had serious issues after my sons C-section birth....i was very depressed, i felt like he failed me...i felt like he joined the hospital to take away my ideal birth experience because he kept agreeing with the OB and staff on interventions and ultimately sectioning. i was ALONE against everyone...and was not prepared with good arguments at that point as i had not done any research and succumbed to a section (the pregnancy had been so perfect and painless that i naively thought i'd enter the hospital and push out my baby like a dream...was totally unprepared...)...now that i've prepared myself better i can see how my previous OB pushed the section on me in a way that worked out conveniently for him, it was about 8 oclock Friday night (i suspect he didn't want to stay up all night or had other plans that night). in short, my water broke at 37 weeks and being strep B positive they wanted me in the hospital - i was obedient and went right there, only to find out they wouldn't let me out of bed, hooked me up with antibiotics IV, and of course labor was not progressing with me confined to lie flat on my back in a hospital bed, i wanted to squat and do yoga but the nurses yelled at me and scared me with "cord prolapse" so i lay there like a little scared animal...they used cervidil to start dilation...after 10 hours in pain - i was 2 cm dilated...the OB showed up that morning and then again 10 hours later to tell us this was not happening (in the meantime, many strangers came in to announce my failure to dilate, all this negativity definitely didn't help...what's even worst, most of the residents didn't even look me in the eyes, just went right for my private parts and said something negative, like "no progress" etc....horrible, abusive experience...and i felt my husband did nothing to support me...)...the OB gave up on us before we even started, he didn't even try pitocin...he convinced us that the baby was in danger, not having any fluid left after 10 hours on cervidil and showing such a slow dilation...now that i've done some reading i can see that women are OK to labor 24-48 hours after breaking their water..anyways, sorry about how long this reply is...i guess i needed to vent, well...i really just wanted to explain that we had serious relationship problems afterwards. i felt like my DH failed me, he didn't understand and thought i was being selfish not being thankful for having a healthy baby and being so obsessed with things not working "my way" in labor and birth...we have now been in marriage therapy for half a year and we've made amazing progress. he now understands me better and supports me emotionally, we have hired a doula and we have a fantastic VBAC friendly OB (the closest hospital does not permit midwifes to work) who is going to let me go 2 weeks past my due date in the hope that my labor will start naturally. i will labor at home as long as i can with my DOULA and the OB agreed that we bring a birth ball. this time i'm strep B negative and already almost 40 weeks and just found out this week that I'm 50% effaced so i'm hopeful for a VBAC and i hope and pray for you too that you will have the healing experience of a VBAC!

[anj_rn]

I know the feeling. My DH wanted me to schedule a section for my DD, I wanted to VBAC. My dream of a natural birth with my DS was dashed when at 39 weeks, he had not dropped, and we found him entangled in the cord in a transverse lie. We had a section, and I never went into labor.

I wrote out a letter to him explaining why it was important to me to have a natural childbirth. Then I put it aside for a week, then I went back and edited it to make sure it was not accusatory. I gave it to him, and he understood. We met with the OB and discussed at what point we would induce or repeat the section. Her only rule was not letting me go past dates since I had a history of big babies, and my hyperemesis put my electrolytes all out of whack.

I ended up with another section, but I felt that my DH supported me through the process and there was no sense of failure with that birth. Having had 2 sections, I will tell you it was VERY difficult, I had an extended hospital stay (which was very hard on DS). I was very sore and my DS was over the weight limit that I was allowed to lift, so I could not pick him up which he really did not understand. I could not keep up with the housework & cooking for several weeks, and with a little one running around that was very difficult. Also, getting up and down off the floor to play with DS hurt.

We are not having more kids, but I would still want to try to VBAC if we were. As difficult as the labor and the drive to another town would be, it can't be worse than the recovery from the section.

Also, with the 1st baby you can sleep when the baby sleeps, does not work so well when you have another child to take care of. Mine could never coordinate naps.

[regina1979]

Have you seen the business of being born? Check your library or online. My hubs responded well to that movie. I couldn't get him to read to much of anything always said he would but never saw the pages turning .

A dula would be a great idea. My hubs is a worrier and my dula kept me grounded and said positive things when she knew I was ready to throw in the towel! Like when I was in transition and said, "I cant do this anymore." She calmly said you can do it you saying that means its almost done. It was small but meant a lot.

Read some of the statistics from the books you read. Have you read 'Pushed' or 'Silent Knife' ...... great books!

Hope it goes well. Hang in there.

[luchadora13]

Thanks so much for the replies. It has really helped. I would like to reply directly to some of what y'all have said, but I will have to save that for a lil' later. I am at work, but have to write something so I can get this off my chest and focus on the work in front of me. Sorry to be long-winded.

So I haven't mentioned VBAC to my DH for at least 3 mos., because I know he is against it. It ain't worth the argument until I feel like I can really defend my position.

Well, yesterday, he mentioned the possibility of another hospital for the next birth. I guess he was talking about the next c/s 'cause when I mentioned that I had found 2 midwives willing to do a HBAC (YAY!) his mood turned quick. He asked why I would try something that was "anatomically impossible." He said that the OB made it clear that I was not able to give birth vaginally.

[At my postpartum follow-up, I asked my OB about the possibility of a VBAC. He said they rarely offer them for liability reasons, but that doesn't mean that they won't do them. He has 1 or 2 during his 10+ years of practice. He said to me, "However, in your case, I think you would be just spinning your wheels. You have a very tight pelvic girdle." He said when he first examined me (at 37 weeks) he thought there would be just a 50/50 chance of me delivering vaginally, but he wanted to let me try for one. (He never mentioned anything about this to me at the time of the exam.)]

DH says it is not the dr.'s fault that I had c/s, that it was just the fact of the matter that I can't have a baby vaginally. DH said that the OB even "allowed me to try" to birth vaginally. That the OB did everything he could to help me birth vaginally (like telling me I can't move?!? Like rushing my labor with pitocin? Like wanting the baby out before 5pm on a Friday afternoon?!?).

DH then says it has been obvious for a long time that I have a tight pelvis because I can't squat like a normal person.

[DH squats really well, really easily. I use to really suck at it, but while pregnant I practiced a lot...and now I can do OK. But I can't sit there in a squatting position for long b/c it is hard for me. I can squat for maybe 2 minutes at time. Now this is with both bare feet flat on the ground which is what DH says is a real squat. I can squat with my heels up with no problems. ]

DH says I need to accept that I can't control everything, that I am being selfish and irrational, that we are so lucky to have such a healthy happy boy, and that is what matters. DH says he won't be happy until I realize how fortunate we are that everything turned out well, until I recognize that everything went just as it should. If we tried to have HBAC, DS would be dead or brain-damaged.

I say I know I am fortunate, no doubt, I thank the Heavens for my DS, but I would be lying if I said I was glad everything went the way it did leading up to his birth. He said then I am being irrational, that he can't trust my ability to make decisions, and that he will be the one making decision about the next birth.

(OK. I am ranting, I know that. Many apologies. But to my defense, I was totally calm yesterday. I just let him talk. I didn't try to argue at all. It wasn't the right time for it. As for his calling me irrational...he is just referring to my desire for a VBAC, the questioning of the c/s...not my behavior. I haven't talked to him about this for 3 mos., although I think about it daily. I have not once cried or yelled around him about it. I want to say, "You want to see irrational. I'll show you irrational." But now that I am a mom, I can't do that in good conscience.)

Fundamental problem: DH sees no problems with c/s.

Other problem: DH has not read anything about labor. He is completely ignorant, and apparently just wants to stay that way. (This is NOTHING like him usually. He is an avid reader, likes to know the facts type of guy.) DH believes everything I am reading is just saying "doctors suck. doctors are wrong." DH doesn't want to know that moving during labor is not just some "feel good thing", but a necessity for some women. He doesn't want to know that pitocin can lead to fetal distress, that epidural slow down labor. He doesn't want to know that a full bladder can slow down labor. He doesn't want to know this because it would mean that everything didn't go perfectly during my labor. I could take this further and say that by accepting this things as facts, it would mean that he let me down during labor. Is this why he is being an a$$?!?!? So he does not have to accept that maybe he did not do everything perfectly?

He kept saying nothing could have been done differently that would have made it better for DS. How do I argue with that? DS is happy and healthy.

And I guess DH doesn't really think my experience of labor and birth matter all that much in the big picture...which to be honest, I can see his point. It doesn't sound nice, it doesn't feel right, and I do not agree with it, but I can see where the outcome is all that matters, screw the process.

I am lucky that I was able to BF in recovery. I am lucky I bonded with DS easily. I am lucky I recovered fairly well physically. But I feel like so much of it was b/c of the very good place I was at before DS's birth. I am afraid it won't be the same way if I have CBAC forced on me. Sigh.

I also hate that it makes me think I should of complained more about the pain, b$tched more during recovery...maybe if things didn't seem to go so well, DH would feel differently about the c/s.

But I am not defeated. I keep praying. I have faith. I have faith in my DH. I have faith in my ability to fight for what is right.

[keeptryst]

I admire you for not losing it with your DH and being so calm and forbearing. I'm sure that attitude is heathy for the baby you're carrying as well. Keep the faith and I sure hope your DH comes around!

[dlm194]

Well, if you vaginal is too small to birth a baby, I'd declare it too small for a penis too.

Ok, sarcasm aside. If you were born before 1980, I'd ask him how many of his friends were motherless because their mothers coudln't vaginally birth them (or how many of his parents had friends whose babies died because they couldn't be born vaginally.

I don't understand where doctors get off spouting this garbage about how we are suddenly a generation of woman who cannot fit out babies through out pelvises. I'd be willing to bet a significant sum of money that you are perfectly capable of birthing vaginally if you were given the right amount of time and support.

I'm also wondering about the logic of a c-section being easier than driving to another hospital for a VBAC. Let's see, an extra hour in the car or 2 weeks of being out of commission while you rely on your dh to care for a toddler and an infant. of course that assumes you have an uncomplicated delivery. What happens if you get an infection? Or you need a hysterectomy? Or you start bleeding out? Or you have a bowel obstruction following the surgery?

[keeptryst]

This is a great read to convince anyone once and for all that the size of the pelvis is no big deal:
Pelvises I have known and loved by Gloria Lemay.

[isabchi]

Originally Posted by onyxravnos

GET A DOULA! not one that HE likes one that YOU like
insist on going somewhere you feel safe and supported in your vbac. he is not giving birth - you are.

.

1. Get a Doula, Get the time to know each other and conecte.
2. If you planning a Hospital birth take Bradley classes with you husband.
3. Get Hypnobabies.

Because what happend with my DH and the snow ball of intervention that I decide for a HBAC. My home was my nest, my refuge.

Don't fight with your DH, educate him with "The business of Being Born" and others Birth documentaries.
Talk about you last birth in a constructive way so you heal your self and understand what happened.

[AustinMom]

In no way am I defending his ignorance, and the lack of desire for him to change that, but I will say I don't think many men (Ina May Gaskin's husband aside) can really understand birth and what it means to a woman and the whole process of. So he is really having some trouble and instead of trying to trust you, he is instead insisting that he is right and you are wrong. Second, he may very well have some unresolved feelings of the birth and could be showing his anger instead of, "honey, I'm scared things are going to go that same way." COULD BE being the emphasis.

Maybe sit down with a birth plan that says, I labor, and I am fully prepared to have a CS if needed, as it's a chance with every birth, but I need this for me, and baby is only going to benefit by me going into spontaneous labor, me laboring, and me being supported.

Maybe tell him there are these wonderful people out there whos jobs are are to help the husband through labor, make sure he is comfortable, he is understanding what is going on, help him if wife does need a CS, etc, and they are also DOULAS! Have one for him and one for you.

I am so sorry that you are having to be subject to his irrational, uneducated, unsupportive remarks. I can't imagine being in that situation. But it's so great to hear that you still have faith, still have passion and still have hope.

Are you still seeing the same Dr.? You may want to think about changing and try finding someone (if there is one near you) who has a different outlook on birth. Or, if you need to, call around and talk with one over the phone, get their opinion, and tell your hubby, this is what another Dr. said, and I believe them. Things like, pelvic exams are pointless and don't prove anything, that a pelvic is designed with 3 ligaments that open with hormones and pressure and stretching, baby's heads mold, etc. Ask him to try and case a pillow without jiggling the pillow case. It TAKES MOVEMENT! The pillow will mold and the case will open somewhat.

[Belia]

I have never been in your situation but stumbled across your post.

Oh my goodness. I am seeing RED. I have no problem if someone disagrees with me and they're coming from a well-reasoned, knowledgable place.

But if someone disagrees with me and its clear they've done no research and are just spouting.... forget it. Don't waste my time.

"He said then I am being irrational, that he can't trust my ability to make decisions, and that he will be the one making decision about the next birth."

This right here would be a deal-breaker for me. For my partner to take that kind of attitude with me?!?!?!? And actually say that to me????? There would be no "next birth" until he knocked that sh!t off.

You deserve to be with someone who respects you and your needs and is willing to approach this major decision in a well-reasoned, rational manner.

[Storm Bride]

I won't even say what I'm thinking about your "d"h. I get that he's scared. I get that he believes the doctor knows what he's talking about. I don't get that he feels that you have no right to make a decision about what happens to your body.

One thing I will mention, because I even run across it in women who have had c-sections, let alone their partners, parents and the general public - your husband is probably assuming that your next surgical recovery would look just like this one and that he "knows" what to expect. He does not. There is no guarantee that another c-section would be anything like your first one, in terms of recovery. I've had five. They've all been different. Some women have fairly comparable recoveries each time, but there is no guarantee, either way.

Oh - and my third one, and to a lesser extent my fifth one (both of them were scheduled - the "cadillac" of obstretical care, apparently), have left me with probably permanent nerve damage that has wreaked havoc on my sex life and will probably have me pissing myself within the next few years. That kind of repercussion is not something anyone else has the right to decide for you...be it the OB or your "partner".

And, I'm not a nice person in this regard, but your husband's opinion about whether or not a c-section is a big deal matters no more than a fart in the wind. I don't care if the OB, your husband, your friends, the maternity nurses, your parents, your co-workers and the man in the moon think it was no big deal. You are the one who had the surgery. You are the one who was cut open, and nobody else gets an opinion on whether or not it was a big deal. Period. Full stop.

[limette]

Originally Posted by Storm Bride

And, I'm not a nice person in this regard, but your husband's opinion about whether or not a c-section is a big deal matters no more than a fart in the wind. I don't care if the OB, your husband, your friends, the maternity nurses, your parents, your co-workers and the man in the moon think it was no big deal. You are the one who had the surgery. You are the one who was cut open, and nobody else gets an opinion on whether or not it was a big deal. Period. Full stop.

It's your body, you're choice.

Also get a doula. In a lot of cases partners are too close to the situation emotionally to be supportive.