How to handle sensory-related tantrums?

[blueridgewoman]

My daughter, a very high needs, very intense 2.5 year old who's been diagnosed with SPD, frequently has major meltdowns over issues that I assume are sensory related (though occasionally not--- either way, stuff that you wouldn't think would bother a typical kid her age). We're talking instant kicking, screaming, bouncing up and down, unavoidable meltdown.

I try very hard to eliminate any sensory related triggers in her environment- I keep the house tidy and quiet, I make sure that the temperature is regulated, I don't force her to wear socks if she doesn't want to, etc. However, some things are just unavoidable. If her cousin falls and cries, dd throws a fit that it's too loud and just melts down, for instance.

I deal with her tantrums pretty aggressively in general and tell her in a very stern voice that, while crying when you're hurt or sad is okay, crying about <whatever she's throwing a fit about> is NOT okay, and she needs to stop, take a deep breath, and figure out how to handle the situation in a calm way. I tell her that crying is NOT the way to get what she wants and that, when she cries, it makes me not want to find a way to give her what she needs.

Any thoughts on this approach? I am really at my wits end. The tantrums have totally worn me out. I'm on antidepressants because I feel like I'm constantly anxious/upset and my nervous system is shot because I'm always on alert waiting for the next tantrum or the next problem. It's embarrassing and I find myself either avoiding or dreading family and friend get togethers because I know that dd is just going to freak out.

I've told her OT all this, by the way. The OT really had no response and just said they'd keep working. She can't tolerate brushing yet- she freaks out.

[BetsyNY]

I'd try to get a break for yourself.

I'm not trying to be harsh, but telling her to stop crying and that she can cry about X or Y but not Z doesn't strike me as a particularly understanding approach for dealing with ANY 2.5 year old, but especially not a 2.5 year old with a disability.

The issues--noise, uncomfortable temperatures or fabrics--are *real* to her. It's not something that you can just be stern about and they'll go away.

What can I tell you? I'm right where you are, but my son is 4.5 and we go through this stuff every day. It's exhausting, but it's not his fault.

Your OT doesn't have any strategies for you? If she's that sensitive to noise, I'd have her wear headphones if she'll tolerate them.

[Linda on the move]

Originally Posted by blueridgewoman

I deal with her tantrums pretty aggressively in general and tell her in a very stern voice that, while crying when you're hurt or sad is okay, crying about <whatever she's throwing a fit about> is NOT okay, and she needs to stop, take a deep breath, and figure out how to handle the situation in a calm way. I tell her that crying is NOT the way to get what she wants and that, when she cries, it makes me not want to find a way to give her what she needs.

I just don't see that working. At all. This isn't a bad behavior she is choosing so treating it like a discpline problem won't work.

I would try to get to the root of the tantrum and go from there. I don't believe in a one-size fits all approach.

<<If her cousin falls and cries, dd throws a fit that it's too loud and just melts down, for instance. >>

I would make sure my child was safe, comfort them as appropriate, let them get to the end of it, and then give her a cool wash cloth to wipe off her face afterward. (that was our transition out of the tantrum when it was over).

I also labeled my DD's feelings for her. "scary" "suprised" ect are good words for what a child is feeling when something out of their control happens and freaks them out. We all find different things scary. There are things that are very scary to my sensory DD that aren't to most people, but there are a lot of movies that other adults enjoy that give me nightmares. I can validate that something is "scary" for my DD.

My DD always did better when she was well rested, eating a reasonably healthy diet, and had a sensory diet that was well suited to her.

<< It's embarrassing and I find myself either avoiding or dreading family and friend get togethers because I know that dd is just going to freak out.>>

This is really a completely different issue. If these are mostly happening during social gatherings, that's really different from you keeping sensory triggers away from her environment.

[Owachi]

I don't think the talking in a stern voice or explaining to her will help. Talking to my son doesn't help...if he is having a tantrum he doesn't listen, and it's not on purpose. I either rub his back or hug him and hold my hands over his ears (if it was a noise thing)....if he is really upset I hold a pillow that he can hit or something.....but everything that has worked well for me was a social story or a picture. If he was mad because a child bumped him or yelled, I show a picture of someone being bumped and it calms him. Good luck, and just remember that it's not your DD's fault and you will find someway to figure it out. Every child is different.

[joensally]

DD doesn't have SPD but is very sensitive, DS has SPD. I used to use strategies like you describe with DD, so I'm not judging you but would like to share what's worked for us.

1. Talk less, particularly instructionally.
2. Empathise and name the feeling -"Oh, that was surprising!"; "I can see that makes you feel mad!"
3. Offer calming sensory input (rub back, hold tightly, deep breathe with her - catch her eye and take a melodramatic deep breath and she may join you, push hands as heavy work; your OT should be able to help with this)
4. When she's calm, offer reassuring, optimistic words ("let's go play blocks!") and move on.

The biggest key for me is to ALWAYS assume that they're doing their very best. They don't want to feel like this, or be in conflict with their parent (ok, yeah, 2 year olds seem to seek some conflict, but not through sensory meltdowns).

Addressing sensory stuff isn't just about avoiding the wrong kinds of stimulation - it's also about feeding their sensory needs to move them toward better balance internally. Has the OT provided you with a sensory diet?

Finally, I know how alarming it feels when you're with others and these things happen. I totally empathise with this and it's taken me a lot of years to be more ok with my feelings of being judged. The other day I was at the mall and a little one was losing it. What I noticed was how many of the adults around were looking over with understanding and empathy, or trying to not look with understanding and empathy. I assumed everyone was judging me, but I think lots of parents have been there and sympathize.

[mamadebug]

My DS has SPD. I really sympathize with you that it is really hard to deal with the constant reactions that come with a kid with SPD. It is intense, unpredictable and can be so hard to manage, especially when you are out in public.

When my son had tantrums (at 5.5 yo, it is much more rare than when he was 2 or 3), I would just simply hold space for him to have his tantrum. I would take him outside, away from the thing or people causing the reaction, into his bedroom - basically wherever was a safe place away from what was upsetting to him - and let him have the tantrum. Telling a child that it is OK to cry if you are hurt or sad, but not OK to cry over whatever set off an SPD related tantrum isn't fair - to that child, whatever caused the SPD related tantrum is as offensive/upsetting to them as getting hurt or being sad. My son was genuinely overwhelmed by loud/unpredictable sounds - I mean, heart racing, total panic, followed by a huge tantrum. To that child, the emotional reaction and how they feel is as real as being hurt or sad.

I agree with the PP who recommended a sensory diet. Your OT should give you suggestions of things to do before and during certain types of situations so that you can help your daughter feel more balanced, which will hopefully minimize the tantrums.

I hope this didn't sound too harsh. I have been overwhelmed by a toddlers tantrums related to sensory issues. I just had to keep reminding myself that this little person was also feeling overwhelmed by what he was experiencing.

[blueridgewoman]

No, no, not harsh at all-- I asked for the advice and I definitely want honesty here.

I know-- it's really been difficult. It seems like the whole stern voice thing has been the only thing that's worked so far, and I'm just wondering if there's something I'm missing here, because I don't really like doing it either. It's not that it's a punitive moment (at least, that's my feeling).... I'm very careful to be firm but not angry and to give her positive reinforcement when she calms down, etc. It's my impression that she gets out of control and seems to need the reminder to get herself under control so she can deal effectively with whatever stimulus set her off. Usually, it's something like, "I understand that you're (hurt/angry/feeling that was too loud etc) but I'd like you to calm down so we can discuss it..... Please calm down- we can't help each other while you're screaming..... I need you to take a deep breath and let's find a way to fix this problem."

Not saying this to justify or to explain, but I'm just trying to talk myself through the situation, I guess. I completely agree that her feelings are valid-- it's the way she's expressing those that I get concerned about, I guess, and I'm trying REALLY hard to give her the tools to begin to consider regulating herself. But I could be totally screwing that up and freely admit that my own feelings can occasionally color the way I respond.

The tantrums themselves seem to be inevitable-- if I avoided the situations that set her off, we'd never go anywhere loud, bright, with shiny floors, etc. The reason she reacts in social situations etc is sensory-related... Generally, she gets overstimulated/it's too loud/she's wearing clothes or shoes, etc.

But yeah, I fully recognize that I need more breaks than I get. I'm a single, stay at home mom right now. Her solo visit to the OT this morning was pretty much 45 minutes of heaven for me because I actually got to, like, read.

But thank you SO much for your input so far- there are some great thoughts here that I definitely need to think about some more. Keep them coming.

[SpottedFoxx]

My son has had those meltdowns. You need to find what sensory triggers work bests for your daughter. For my son, I'd have to turn out the lights, get his blanket, I'd physically rub the blanket on his face or hands while holding him tightly.

joensally had some great ideas of what would work. I have the sensory diet in PDF form so PM me if you'd like me to email it to you. It really works wonders. It has helped us to head off a lot of his sensory related melts and he seems happier when we incorporate it in his life.

[blueridgewoman]

I would love that, SpottedFoxx- I'll PM you. Our OT hasn't given us anything like that-- she suggested we try the brushing, but that's been a disaster.

[SpottedFoxx]

Sent If anyone else wants to see - just PM me your email address and I'd be happy to send it along. It's a great resource.

[luv2bamommy2]

My DS was eval as having mild SPD; no learning disabilities, ADHD, or ADD, but he is a sensory seeker. My mom is the researcher in the family, and actually was the person who told me my DS needed evaluated, that she suspected he had SPD.

Anyway after the diagnoses was made, I was told of a sensory diet to put him on. It hasn't seemed to work and being a single mom, I seemed to be shouting/screaming at him more than I wanted to be. So on to the net my mom went again, this time seeking something that would help him/or me calm down.

She found alot of information on a site called www.nativeremedies.com. She even inquired if there was anything a 4 1/2 yr old could safely take? They responded with advice to put him on BrightSpark and Tula Tantrum Tamer, these are both homeopathic remedies.

My mom than researched what was in these remedies, pretty yucky and in big doses could cause death; and then read any and every pro and con reviews she could find about them. I know my mom and that she would never give my children anything that would harm them; so when she bought the 2 recommedations, I said OK we'll try them and see.

DS has been on them one week now, is there a difference? I think yes, he appears calmer; I know he hasn't flown off the handle as often as he did the previous week. Nor has he gone after his sister as much.

Maybe it can work for you, too. Anyway if you buy direct from Native Remedies these 2 are expensive - mom got them off of amazon.com they were $3 to $5 cheaper plus free shipping. Still expensive, but will be worth it if it works! Along with prayer, and lots of that, I'm willing to at least give it a try.

Anyway, the following are links for you to look up and read yourself. Hope they help:

http://hubpages.com/hub/Native-Remed...htspark-Review
http://www.naturalhealthreference.co...or-adhd-child/

Anger-Soothe™
Homeopathic remedy reduces irritability, anger and rage, including temper outbursts
http://www.nativeremedies.com/produc...outbursts.html

BrightSpark™
Homeopathic remedy relieves hyperactivity, distractibility and impulsiveness in children with attention problems
http://www.nativeremedies.com/produc...-children.html

MindSoothe Jr.™
Promotes emotional stability and balanced mood in children
http://www.nativeremedies.com/produc...-children.html

MoodCalm™
Homeopathic remedy calms emotional outbursts and reduces mood swings
http://www.nativeremedies.com/produc...-behavior.html

These are all homeopathic remedies registered with the Food and Drug Administration (FDA).

PureCalm™
Works quickly to facilitate a calmed mood and soothed nerves
http://www.nativeremedies.com/produc...s-tension.html

Tula Tantrum Tamer™
Homeopathic remedy calms tempers, tantrums and restlessness in children
http://www.nativeremedies.com/produc...-tantrums.html


Some of these are herbal remedies, my DS will never take them, so mom has inquired at a homeopathic pharmacy if they can be made into tablets. So far, she hasn't heard anything.

[joensally]

Originally Posted by SpottedFoxx

My son has had those meltdowns. You need to find what sensory triggers work bests for your daughter. For my son, I'd have to turn out the lights, get his blanket, I'd physically rub the blanket on his face or hands while holding him tightly.

joensally had some great ideas of what would work. I have the sensory diet in PDF form so PM me if you'd like me to email it to you. It really works wonders. It has helped us to head off a lot of his sensory related melts and he seems happier when we incorporate it in his life.

The OP's OT should be able to provide an individualized sensory diet, specific to her DD's needs.

That sounds snappy, and I don't mean it to!

We just went through 8 sessions of OT to figure out DS's sensory diet and it was remarkable - subtle differences in what does and doesn't work for him. He needs a lot of heavy work, but certain kinds he loves and certain kinds mean nothing to him.

[sbgrace]

So is the stern voice snapping her out of them?
If it is I'd wonder if she's like my son. Stern didn't (made it worse for him) but anything that got his mind engaged was the only thing that would help. At that age it was incredibly difficult. But if I could get him thinking about something (A, B, oh...what letter comes after A B (I'm talking to myself loudly) oh, I know X! and he might (if I caught it fast enough into the issue) correct me and if I kept going he would eventually get his emotion under control. You can't be in thinking brain and emotional brain at the same time.

My son was also much more likely to melt down when he was hungry (very sensitive to lowish blood sugar so he needs to have food every 2.5 to 3 hours) or tired or sick.

On the sensory stuff I wonder if she could wear sound muting head phones? My sound sensitive son wore ear plugs. How about sunglasses for the brightness? (my other son had (has) extremely sensitive eyes--he wore sunglasses and hat a lot when he was younger--I don't think anyone ever thought anything outside of cute or at least that's what I told myself).

I really feel for you. These kinds of melt downs and dealing with this day in and out is so exhausting and you're doing it on your own without a break. Do you have family or anyone who can give you time once a week to just get away for an hour or something like that? If not maybe you could hire a mother's helper this summer to come to your home and just engage so you get a moment to breath.

[savithny]

Originally Posted by joensally

DD doesn't have SPD but is very sensitive, DS has SPD. I used to use strategies like you describe with DD, so I'm not judging you but would like to share what's worked for us.

1. Talk less, particularly instructionally.
2. Empathise and name the feeling -"Oh, that was surprising!"; "I can see that makes you feel mad!"
3. Offer calming sensory input (rub back, hold tightly, deep breathe with her - catch her eye and take a melodramatic deep breath and she may join you, push hands as heavy work; your OT should be able to help with this)
4. When she's calm, offer reassuring, optimistic words ("let's go play blocks!") and move on.

The biggest key for me is to ALWAYS assume that they're doing their very best. They don't want to feel like this, or be in conflict with their parent (ok, yeah, 2 year olds seem to seek some conflict, but not through sensory meltdowns).

Addressing sensory stuff isn't just about avoiding the wrong kinds of stimulation - it's also about feeding their sensory needs to move them toward better balance internally. Has the OT provided you with a sensory diet?

Finally, I know how alarming it feels when you're with others and these things happen. I totally empathise with this and it's taken me a lot of years to be more ok with my feelings of being judged. The other day I was at the mall and a little one was losing it. What I noticed was how many of the adults around were looking over with understanding and empathy, or trying to not look with understanding and empathy. I assumed everyone was judging me, but I think lots of parents have been there and sympathize.

I read the OP and was going to go find my last response on SPD tantrums to cut and paste from, but then I read this response and it pretty much covers it all.

I will re-emphasize something in it I think is really key:

Less Talk.

The GD forum here is full of great advice on treating kids rationally, explaining what you're doing and why things need to happen the way they are happening. There is a lot of emphasis on choices and talking and offering alternatives.

But a SPD meltdown is often about overstimulation of some kind, and if you keep talking during it, the kid just cannot handle it. It makes things worse. You need to back off on the stimulation, back off on messages that the child has to process while their brain is going out of control.

So you might feel like you're going against the GD and consensual-living advice here, but try *not* giving choices or suggesting alternatives if a tantrum is in the offing. Try *not* explaining stuff mid-fit.

On a related note: My SPD kid and, to a lesser extent, his less-affected little sister both respond VERY poorly to "Playful Parenting" techniques. Playful stuff works fine while everyone is feeling playful, but when we're teetering on the edge of a meltdown, being silly or trying to distract with games ALWAYS made things worse. Without fail. "STOP JOKING!" DS would scream. "Mama, STOP being SILLY!" my DD will say.

And joensally is also 100% right that SPD meltdowns aren't really about being spoiled or even about what they say they want. They're a loss of control, and that is *scary* to a small child. The kid is NOT happy to be melting down, and if they *could* get themselves back to equilibrium, they *would*. There's not a lot of logic once the Pitch-A-Fit train gets going. We used to say DS was "stuck on 'NO'!" because he would get like a looping tape, long after the actual sticking point he'd started to object to was resolved.

[savithny]

Originally Posted by blueridgewoman

It seems like the whole stern voice thing has been the only thing that's worked so far, and I'm just wondering if there's something I'm missing here, because I don't really like doing it either.

Just picked up on this, and I think it relates to what I was saying about talking less.

With DS, I finally figured out that I had to pick ONE message and repeat it, gently-but-firmly. Maybe it would be "We have to go home. The store is closing. They are closing the store. Yes, the store is closing. See, they are getting ready to close the store." or "You can't have a banana. We are all out. I'm sorry, we're out. I know you would like a banana, but we're out."

Don't feel bad if what works isn't 100% what you read here as "the best or most gentle way." Gentle discipline does not have to look the same for each child, and a kid with SPD needs guidance and assistance in learning to cope with a world that is sometimes an assault on their brain, and when that assault on their brain gets to be too much, sometimes they need someone else to help get them back on track. It's not gentle to force a kid to flail around trying to figure something like this out on their own, IMO.

[TzippityDoulah]

I think crying should be always allowed. as parents we often want to "hush hush" our kids and it's totally understandable! but... when dealing with littles - especially littles with SPD - it's not really a fair way to handle it. Crying is a body's way of dealing with stress. for that matter so are tantrums. her body and mind are immature yet and she's dealing with a developmental problems on top of it - no tantrums or crying just isn't a reasonable request (though believe me I am sick to death of tantrums in my home!!)

I've started saying "sweetie, you can cry all you need to ok? But there is no screaming or hitting allowed". and I offer to hold her, or stop what I am doing and rock her or whatever. and sometimes, honestly I just distract her. and helps her calm down. "I hold her and say "you know what I was a little girl I used ot have a kitty cat named patches...." and I start telling her a story. it often works like a charm! sometimes it doesn't work and she ends up being in a time out to calm down (she's 5 now so she can understand it - she wouldn;t have been able to at 2yr old)


try not to measure her worth or your stress by how much she tantrums or you are in for a lifetime of stress!! when she has a meltdown do your very best to deal with it, forgive her imperfections and move on immediately. making as many good memories as you can helps your stress level as weird as it may sound.

that said.... you are human! maybe it's about time YOU had a little tantrum or crying fit and got out your stress!! sometimes it really does work. mabe the kids are smarter than we think! the other day I was so stressed when no kids where around I threw a wooden spoon into a glass jar in the kitchen and smashed it to peices. It felt SO good! lol. it was totally worth the clean up!

[TzippityDoulah]

p.s. I found that adding magnesium into her diet every day helped ease the tantrums BIG time! (like we do not ever go without mag around here)

"natural calm" is a great mag product to use.

[SpottedFoxx]

Please be careful with homeopathic remedies. They are not safe for all children. Please consult a physician before trying them.

Joensally - No snappy at all. From what I've been told by other parents, this is quite comprehensive and is not a list geared toward any one child but ideas to try with your own child. Some things like pushing on walls, monkey walks, wheelbarrow walks, carrying heavy objects, etc work beautifully for my son. Others, not so much.

Not every meltdown is the same either. You have to give yourself a toolbox of things. When you find one thing that works... tuck it away your mind.

We were at a bowling event for our son's special needs program at his day care. He immediately got overstimulated and melted. We went into a quiet room. None of my usual tricks were working so we just sat/laid on the floor. I held him tightly. I let him scream and yell and cry. When he was starting to calm down a bit I told him I understood and sometimes I like to yell and I yelled at the top of my lungs. He started laughing and that was the end of it. That's what worked for him. Other kids would get freaked out if their parents yelled like that. When my son when threw a tantrum stage, the only thing that worked was getting down on the floor next to him and throwing a bigger tantrum (and yes, I did it in public on many occasions).

I agree with the stern voice or any voice at all. Many times, in the throws of a meltdown, if I do any talking, it's a whisper and usually just telling him he's safe and it's okay.

[Linda on the move]

Originally Posted by SpottedFoxx

We were at a bowling event for our son's special needs program at his day care. He immediately got overstimulated and melted. We went into a quiet room. None of my usual tricks were working so we just sat/laid on the floor.

some of this stuff you figure out over time.

I would never ever ever take my DD to a bowling alley. Ever. It's just mean.

[SpottedFoxx]

Originally Posted by Linda on the move

some of this stuff you figure out over time.

I would never ever ever take my DD to a bowling alley. Ever. It's just mean.

And see for my son, he can usually deal. I think the noise, the lights coupled with the fact that he was tired was just too much. Had he not settled down and if he continued with the melt - we probably would have left. However, once he calmed down, he was fine and went on to have a great time.

But you are very right. Over time, we figure out what our kids can and can't handle.