Why is dd trying to upset me?

[LaFlaca1226]

She'll be 3 in 3 months. Here's what she does. She says she wants to nurse before going to sleep, and when I offer the breast, she says she doesn't want to. When I put the breast away, she screams that she DOES want to nurse. I offer, she refuses, I put away, she demands. Repeat scene until I get angry and walk away and she screams bloody murder for several minutes until I come back and we start it all over again.

Or here's another example. It's naptime and she hasn't peed in 3 hours. She needs to either put on a diaper or use the potty (so that she doesn't pee in her bed). She says she wants to use the potty, but as soon as I put her on it, she screams to get off and wear her diaper instead. So then I put the diaper on her and she screams the whole time that she wants to use the potty. So I let her use the potty, but as soon as I put her on it, she screams that she wants the diaper instead. Potty, diaper, potty, diaper. After several rotations of this, I am ready to scream myself, and I have to leave her alone. Again, she screams the whole time I'm gone.

Why is she doing this? What can I do? I do tell her that if she keeps changing her mind, I will have to make the decision for her, but then she just screams and sobs. By the way, she does not do this with other caregivers (dad, grandparents). It's like she has this unstoppable drive to upset me.

Also, she whines and cries whenever I have to do any chores or anything where I can't hold her, but when I am free to play with her, she pretty much ignores me and doesn't want to interact with me, whether I suggest an activity or try to join in hers. Again, she has great fun interacting with her father and grandparents. Even the same activities that she rejects while she's with me!

What is going on with her??? Any ideas?

[Minxie]

Originally Posted by LaFlaca1226

Why is she doing this? What can I do? I do tell her that if she keeps changing her mind, I will have to make the decision for her, but then she just screams and sobs. By the way, she does not do this with other caregivers (dad, grandparents). It's like she has this unstoppable drive to upset me.

You mentioned a couple of things in your post that I would like to address. First, DD is not TRYING to upset YOU; she is testing the limits and her control of the world around her. This has nothing to do with you except for the fact that you are her rock and provide her solid boundaries.

Second, you are shifting her boundaries.

I offer, she refuses, I put away, she demands. Repeat scene until I get angry and walk away and she screams bloody murder for several minutes until I come back and we start it all over again.

Offer once. When she refuses, CHEERFULLY tuck her into bed and continue with the bedtime routine. Obviously, don't let her scream bloody murder but try to distract her; maybe add in a story at that point or a quick snuggle. Don't get angry with her; she is in far less control of herself than you are.

She needs to either put on a diaper or use the potty (so that she doesn't pee in her bed). She says she wants to use the potty, but as soon as I put her on it, she screams to get off and wear her diaper instead. So then I put the diaper on her and she screams the whole time that she wants to use the potty. So I let her use the potty, but as soon as I put her on it, she screams that she wants the diaper instead. Potty, diaper, potty, diaper. After several rotations of this...

Again, offer ONCE. If she refuses to use the potty, then she can wear a diaper. You don't have to be mean to be firm. Tell her kindly, "That's okay, we can try again tomorrow. Here's a diaper for you to wear tonight." AND be DONE with it.

The two examples you selected both centered around bedtime; is it these things or bedtime that she is protesting? If the latter, is she getting enough sleep? My DS protests bedtime when he isn't getting enough sleep; I judge this based on how difficult it is to wake him the next day. If he wakes at the correct time in a great mood, he's getting plenty of rest. If not, bedtime is earlier for him that evening and I tell him why; not in a mean way, but very matter-of-factly. "You had a hard time waking up this morning so early bedtime tonight!"

Lastly, sometimes there are too many decisions to be made.

I do tell her that if she keeps changing her mind, I will have to make the decision for her, but then she just screams and sobs.

She might NEED you to make the decisions for her and take some of the pressure off of her. You know how wearing it can be on us to be responsible all of the time. Imagine how difficult it is for a wee one to be learning social rules and worried about disappointing or angering those who love them best. She TRUSTS you to take care of her, no matter how ugly her behaviour. I don't know if that helps you any, but I try to remember that DS needs my love and patience the most when I least feel like it.

[journeymom]

I can't read without responding! Many hugs!

I'll just say this, with both my kids age three was much more challenging than age two. It was like they were insane, totally irrational sometimes.

[journeymom]

Minxie said everything I was thinking but couldn't put into words.

Good point about the night time routine. LaFlaca, do you read to her at bed time? If not, this would be a great time to introduce it. Several minutes of reading before or after nursing, whichever works best. It will add some much needed structure.

[blessedwithboys]

she's not trying to upset you she's being a child.

nursing: either offer once or just leave it out for a bit while you snuggle with her so she can pop on and off as needed. set a timer and make sure she knows when the timer goes off, the boob goes away

potty/diaper: put waterproof sheets on the bed and let her go to bed with no dipe even if she doesnt go potty. let her feel cold wet and miserable and the natural consequence may be enough to teach her go potty. otherwise, stop offering the potty and just diaper her so it doesnt present an opportunity for conflict.

as for the last thing you mentioned...it isnt your job to entertain her every single second of the day. why dont you hand her a rag and a spray bottle filled with plain water and ask her for help cleaning alongside of you. that way she'll feel included insstead of ignored and you wont feel like you have to be her personal court jester all day long.

[LaFlaca1226]

Minxie, thanks for all your words. I definitely needed someone to talk some sense into me.

Offer once. When she refuses, CHEERFULLY tuck her into bed and continue with the bedtime routine. Obviously, don't let her scream bloody murder but try to distract her; maybe add in a story at that point or a quick snuggle.

But this is after we have already completed the reading (Daddy's job) and it's getting very late. I do offer to just snuggle instead, but she just yells and grabs at my shirt to find my breast. There is nothing left of the routine except my sitting in the chair next to her and waiting while she falls asleep (of course, she screams at me to leave, and then as soon as I get up, she screams at me to come back).

However, I see your point. Refuse cheerfully and then try to move on from there in a positive way. Getting angry is not helping either of us.

Again, offer ONCE. If she refuses to use the potty, then she can wear a diaper. You don't have to be mean to be firm. Tell her kindly, "That's okay, we can try again tomorrow. Here's a diaper for you to wear tonight." AND be DONE with it.

I feel really mean not letting her change her mind even once. Even I change my mind sometimes. But since I know that she is bound to get tangled up in one of these decision-making crises, maybe I should just accept her first inclination as her "final answer."

The two examples you selected both centered around bedtime; is it these things or bedtime that she is protesting? If the latter, is she getting enough sleep?

Her sleep has always been a challenge. For the first 2.5 years of her life, she woke up every 2 hours or so, and had a really hard time falling asleep. At about 18 months, we moved her to her own bed, but I was still spending most of the night in bed with her and nursing. Then at just about 2.5 years, we nightweaned. The nightweaning helped her sleep much better. The next move I made was to the chair. Now, after the bedtime routine, I get out of her bed and sit in the chair while she falls asleep. And I don't get with her anymore the rest of the night. This means that if she wakes up in the night, I come down and sit in the chair until she falls back asleep. This has been wonderful for the amount of sleep she gets. She often sleeps most of the night through, or only wakes once or twice, falls back to sleep easily. So, I'm not sure if the amount of sleep is the problem. Maybe it's the transitions that we're making. But you're right - this type of behavior seems to occur right around when it's time to get in bed.

Lastly, sometimes there are too many decisions to be made. She might NEED you to make the decisions for her and take some of the pressure off of her. You know how wearing it can be on us to be responsible all of the time. Imagine how difficult it is for a wee one to be learning social rules and worried about disappointing or angering those who love them best.

This is an interesting point, and one that I've been thinking about too. I have read so many books about gentle discipline, and they really stress offering choices. We used to have such success offering her choices in order to guide her. But maybe it's just too much responsibility for her, especially when she's tired. It's going to be a hard habit to break though, because it's always been the tool I reach for quickest. And she is very accustomed to having a say in what goes on.

She TRUSTS you to take care of her, no matter how ugly her behaviour. I don't know if that helps you any, but I try to remember that DS needs my love and patience the most when I least feel like it.

It does help. I know these things are true, but when I'm feeling as hurt and angry and I have been lately, these truths seem to elude me. It helps to hear the words from someone else who has been there.

Thank you.