I *WANT* to be excited

[blizzard_babe]

I didn't put this in my DDC or "I'm Pregnant!" because... well... everyone there seems so happy, even when they're puking or working through excessive prelabor .

I'm 14 weeks pregnant. It was unplanned. Now, theoretically, this is fine. Theoretically, we had intended on having another someday. Theoretically, we're doing well enough financially, and theoretically there's no good reason I should be anything but ecstatic.

Reality isn't theory. I'm not happy. DS was (is) SO high needs, and I basically didn't sleep more than two hours at a shot until he was 1 1/2 years old and we resorted to nightweaning and giving him his own room. He still wakes up for comfort more nights than not, and while DH can now do his share of these, I'm still wide awake until DS is back asleep.

Every time I change a poopy diaper, or DS throws a tantrum, or wakes up in the middle of the night, I find myself feeling a mixture of resentment, anger, and dread. I had kind of comforted myself by saying that DS would outgrow all this, and maybe part of me was starting to think we'd be done with just one. And maybe looking forward to it.

And now, I have to start all over. Another year-plus of pumping and hauling the milk home to DH. Another year-plus of him being a full-time SAHP, which he does much better than I would, but still doesn't quite enjoy. Another who knows how long of not sleeping. Colic. Not being able to sit down because baby screams. Poopy diapers. PPD. DH sleeping through nightwakings (TOTALLY not his fault, mind you) and then wondering why I'm in tears when the alarm goes off in the morning. Wanting to scream and run away.

This child deserves so much better than me . I should be excited.

[lolar2]

First of all, PPD is kind of a misnomer-- it can start during pregnancy-- so if you think that could possibly be an issue, you should of course take steps to address it with your doctor and/ or therapist.

Second of all, if I had a birth control failure right now, I think I would feel exactly the way you feel. And it wouldn't be depression, I just am not ready for another. It does sound like you're maybe a little bit of a perfectionist as far as parenting, so maybe you could build up a stash ahead of time and stop pumping earlier than a year and things like that, and take some of the pressure off that way. I hope you can get some help, from friends or family or paid.

[tinybutterfly]

My first ds was very, very high needs, but ds#2 was such an easy baby. You may end up with an easy baby.

What things can you do to make this all easier for you? Where can you cut back? You don't have to be perfect and if you have to cut corners somewhere to make this workable, then you cut corners. It's not about doing it all just right even if it makes you cry and you are exhausted.

Can you hire a mother's helper to make things easier on you? A housekeeper? Do you have family nearby who can come help out if you ask them?

[tinybutterfly]

P.S. My very high needs ds#1 is now nearly 22 and he is a pleasure to be around.

His adolescent years weren't even anything to shout about. All the hard stuff was over after newborn, toddler, preschool and very early gradeschool. After that, it was much easier.

You just never know.

[blizzard_babe]

Thanks, ladies. Part of me thinks I'm being selfish because I just... want things to be easy. We don't have family nearby (and by nearby, I mean on this side of Canada ), and while we have a great network of friends, they're spread throughout the region in various villages. Only two will actually be living in the same city as us next year, though I'm sure if I asked they'd both come running. Hiring someone isn't a possibility because we're going back to one income when the baby comes, and that puts us... well... we cover our expenses just fine. We don't STRUGGLE financially. But the extra money just isn't flyig out of our pockets, yk?

Ah well. I'll survive. The kids'll be five and eight and everything will be fine and dandy. Just a few years of... *sigh* I am just not a baby person. Give me an obnoxious three year-old any day. Classrooms full of crazy kindergartners are my thing.

[Katwoman]

Originally Posted by blizzard_babe

Thanks, ladies. Part of me thinks I'm being selfish because I just... want things to be easy.

I think you should cut yourself some slack. It's not about wanting things "easy". It's about being so drained mentally/physically/spiritually that you're just dying for a "break" to recharge. People can only scrape the "bottom of the barrel" for so long before it starts to wear on their sanity.

Try to:
* go easier on yourself, you've had a really big two years lately
*think of something you might enjoy once a week to recharge your batteries - do you like baths? coffee with friends? reading a book? I realize once a week doesn't seem like much, but it will help
* Try to feel a little more positive about this second one. There is no reason to believe this one will be high needs, just because your first was. Will positive thinking making this baby "what you want it to be"? No, BUT it might help you right now when your feeling so down.

I know this seems flippant from a stranger on the internet. My first was a relative average baby. My second - who was 21 months younger than my first - had sever food allergies. She slept poorly until she was 11 months old (she was ebf until then). Once she started eating food directly she was soooo sick! She would sleep for 20 mins wake up screaming for 10 mins, finally settle and sleep for another 20 mins. It got so bad that as the sun started going down and I knew night was coming I started shaking. This went on for over 8 months after we had almost a year of sh!tty sleep to begin with. At one point I felt like I could actually die of exhaustion as I was walking down the hall.

I guess I added that so you would know I was being straight up when I say, you're reserves are just so low right now. Please be gentle with yourself!

[BellinghamCrunchie]

DD was so high needs from birth to around 3.5 that I chose NOT to get pregnant with another. It felt really selfish, but I didn't think I could possibly handle having a newborn when I was already not sleeping longer than 1.5 hours at a stretch.

Now she is 5, and its so easy, and I really, really, really wish I had gotten pregnant back then when it seemed so impossible. Then she would have a sibling about 2 years younger, and I think that would have been ideal for our family. Its true that there might have been 1 or 2 really hard years, or maybe not - but it would have been doable, especially knowing what I know now, that things can go from hard to fun and easy almost overnight.

Whatever feelings you are having right now, they are okay and totally understandable. It might seem impossible to believe that at some point in the near future you will know you have made the right decision in having this second child, but that time will come. Just try to be open to the change for the better so that you can enjoy it when it comes, and be as gentle on yourself as you can until things shift.

[RedOakMomma]

Our first were twins with special needs...totally exhausting parenting experience. Our second pregnancy was a singleton...healthy, laid-back, normal...to be honest, his infancy was SO healing for me. I couldn't believe how easy it could be, or what I had lost during the time with our twins. I don't think I loved mothering until my second infancy experience...it's been amazing.

I hope this second baby is healing, laid-back, and a great experience for you. You deserve it!

[blizzard_babe]

*sniff* I love MDC.

I'm not banking on an easy baby... I'm a pretty high-stress person, so it's not like DS's personality was a huge shock .

[tinybutterfly]

Originally Posted by blizzard_babe

I'm not banking on an easy baby... I'm a pretty high-stress person, so it's not like DS's personality was a huge shock .

I try to keep that in mind while ds#2 is so moody now that he is an adolescent. He is very much like I was at that age...and it's kinda scary!

You've gotten some really good and positive advice here. I hope it helps.