In friendship 3 is not the magic number!

[southernmama]

Need feedback on very sticky situation. A friend and her 11 year old daughter have been living in my art studio on my home property since Jan when she left her husband. Her Daughter "D" lives with her here and attends the same uber small MOntessori school as my brother "T". They and my kids have carpooled together all year.

T has formed a very tight friendship with D's fried "L"- a girl who lives down my street, but does not attend their school. I do not think it is a boyfriend/girlfriend thing, but they do spend a lot of fun supervised time together and like the same things.

Well D has had big big problems with this friendship and is creating a lot of drama and bad energy in my world over it. SHe simply does not accept the friendship and feels (i guess) jealous? it to the extent that she does not even like T to mention L in front of her at school. She says she "feels weird" when T talks about L or mentions things they have done together. D's mom seems to support D in this thinking and has pulled out of the carpool- which is kind of ridiculous as my kids and my brother T will be leaving for the 20 mile ride from the same place at the same time each day- obviously because D does not want to ride with T. Let me say I have talked to T and he indicates that he likes D, but finds that she is sometimes mean to him-esp. if he brings up L- as if the mere mention of L is taunting her. It seems like making a mountain out of a mole hill and validating D's way of thinking about this. WE all have to learn that we cannot keep friends all to ourselves. If this isn't learned now, how much worse will it be when they are teens and dating!

None of this would be my problem except that D and mom live here literally 5 feet from my door and my brother T spends at least one night here and hangs out here all the time and we all (my kids, T and D) carpool together (until now) so we see them every. single. day. I told D's mom today when she was trying to discuss specific incidents with me that I don't really think that any of the kids are doing anything wrong and they all like D and we should stop making an issue of it and it will pass.

My dh is over all this drama in his space and I really feel that if it doesn't stop soon it will affect our friendship. I am thinking that they have to move out. Sorry- THis was rambling and i am sorry if it did not make sense- advice appreciated!

[Laggie]

Is everyone involved 11 years old? It seems odd to me for adults to get involved in this sort of nonsense.

Have you spoken to your friend about this directly? It seems like there must be more to this story. Is there some sort of issue with your brother that nobody has told you about?

[southernmama]

My kids are 7 and 4, all other kids are 11. I agree- my gut instinct tells me that this too shall pass- adults should not get involved. I spoke with D's mom today and told her as much- that the kids will work this out and getting adults involved in this pseudo drama is making it worse- thanks for the response.

[karne]

11 can be a pretty fickle/emotional age when it comes to peer relationships. It may seem like "nothing" to us old folks, but whatever is going on may seem very important to the kids involved.

I agree with not interfereing too much, unless someone is being bullied or hurt. the reality is that landlord/tenant relationships can be tricky under the best of circumstances. My only question would be to wonder if this is a situation that the kids involved would like to work on or resolve in a way that makes the situation more comfortable? Their perception is key. I wonder if they feel the need for help communicating? It's hard to tell exactly who feels uncomfortable here. parents or kids?

It is your friend's choice not to participate in the car pool. As long as they know that they are welcome, it really seems as though that's their decision to make.