In shock at my Preschool's behavior today...overeacting?

[myorianna]

Sorry, this is a bit long...giving some background...

Ok, so my 2.5 year old DD was happily attending preschool 3 half days a week for 6 months. Everything was going well when I went through 2 nannies quiting in 2 months and my husband recommended us trying her at 3 full days a week instead of trying to find yet another nanny for the remaining hours...

This is her second week trying the 3 full days and needless to say, napping has not been going well at the preschool. I have tried going there at my lunch break to "help" out by doing what I used to normally do during my lunch break ( I used to pick her up after her half day and take her home, read her some books, nurse, and then go back to work...). Last week they told me to try not coming during lunch. I tried that yesterday and found out she didn't sleep at all.

THEN- here is the kicker- today I showed up unannounced during my lunch break. I peek into her room through the hallway window and notice one of the assistants trying to rock her to sleep. Great. I wait patiently outside- go use the restroom- and upon existing hear her literally screaming so loud I can hear it outside of the closed door. I run in only to find that she is sitting red-faced scream crying (you know without barely able to breath!) facing out on the assistant and she is HOLDING DOWN HER ARMS CROSSED out in front of her by the wrists. Physically holding her down not letting her move! What?!

She sees me and quickly releases her saying "she kicked me!" and gets up and leaves the room... Now, my daughter has NEVER been agressive towards anyone- she is very gentle and we have raised her with gentle discipline and respect. Even so, say she did "kick" the assistance (obviously for a reason...), the physical pinning her down is NOT an acceptable form of response to me. I am flipping out. The director wasn't there today and I had no one to talk to about this. It took me an hour to get my daughter calmed down and sleeping...

Am I overeacting here to this? My daughter who used to love going to school is now telling me "no, go home" when I see her at lunch. I am on the verge of quiting my job rather than sending her back there...I am so upset...

[Maluhia]

I'd be concerned but honestly holding her to stop her from hurting the assistant or herself is far preferable to any other type of discipline I think. If she was actively kicking and got stopped without physically harming her, and when she calmed down she would be talked to about why it's not okay to hurt others....I guess I'd be okay with it. It sounds super fast - you got there at the peak of the "drama" and I think your opinion my be swayed by the adrenalin of the moment.

[myorianna]

I hear you, and you are right that I am still reacting to the moment...that is why I am asking to get other opinions...I just had such a strong reaction to seeing someone physically "pinning" her down - holding her wrists tight enough that they were red, and preventing her from moving. I would have preferred her to be taken out of the room, allowing her to throw a tantrum if that is what she was doing, and then talked to afterwards about it after she was calm. This physical type reaction seems to be a physical form of punishment to me...in the same line as hitting- it is overpowering with brute force.
I also feel that the only way DD would have "kicked" her (and she has never kicked anyone before...) is if she was already forcing her to lay down- physically forcing her down in some way. The scenario of the room was that all the other kids who are used to napping for the past 6 months were laying down on their mats- and she is the only one with a person next to her in the corner of the room, behind the barrier of the book holder (so she is isolated and can not be seen from the main room).

And I have never heard her cry this hard before...*sigh* This is hard for me.

[Linda on the move]

I think that if you want her to stay there for nap, you need to stop showing up. You may be making it much harder for her to make the adjustment.

I really don't know what I would do in your situation. But I think that if you want to leave her there for the day, you should stay away for the whole day for a couple of weeks to see if she adjust.

[myorianna]

So it sounds like I am overeacting from your responses. I will have to sleep on it and think about this some more... The reason that I was coming over at lunch was because this is what I used to do with the nanny- pick her up from school, drop her off at home and spend some time with her during my break before telling her bye. She never had an issue with this while at home, so I figured she would be used to me coming and going...

[Maluhia]

Here is the thing - even if she were just being layed down gently she could have decided to kick. Not doing something before in your presence does not mean a child is not doing it now, or once, our kids act different for different people. I think she could be allowed to throw a tantrum if she were in 1:1 care, but there are other sleeping children and if she is getting to the age where she chooses to have a physical tantrum she may need to be held so she won't hurt herself or others. I've had to hug my daughter pretty tight when she's upset, overhwelmed, transitioning in life and having an all-out tantrum and she might in the moment that I let go have pink where she's strained against my holding her but it's not a hit, or a holding in anger, it really is the reaction of a calm adult to a child who is lashing out/understanding physical boundaries of the world around her.

[mamadebug]

I don't necessarily think you are over reacting. I guess it depends on the context.

If your DD had kicked her, I could see holding a child out from me so they don't do it again. And, I agree with the PP who said that just because you have never seen your DD kick someone doesn't mean she didn't/won't do it at some point when you aren't there.

But, if the teacher was trying to rock her to sleep and she was just sort of sitting in the teacher's lap falling asleep, it seems odd that she would suddenly kick the teacher. If she had been kind of flopping around and fighting sleep, I could see a kid kicking a teacher in that case.

Once you have had a chance to sleep on it, I would listen to your gut. Do you think your DD really did kick the teacher and you aren't comfortable with how they handled it? Or do you think she never kicked the teacher, the teacher was restraining her to get her to sleep and you just happened to walk in? Have you talked to the director?

[yarngoddess]

I would first calm down. My first reaction at reading your post was the same as your first reaction!!! So, take some time and calm down. Second you need to have a meeting to see the director and the teacher and assistant teacher and get all of this out in the open. You have to decide if the teacher acted with in the guidelines and was appropriate or not, and you have to decide where you are going to go from there, and how the best way to help your daughter to grow really is.

The MOST important thing you need to remember is to listen to your gut, your instincts. Have that meeting and then give it some thought before you pull her from school or quit your job- allow yourself a day to process and figure out what your gut instinct is telling you to do.

[GuildJenn]

I'd be concerned. It wouldn't be a dealbreaker yet, but I think I would drop it at some random times (probably not nap time) to check it out. I might ask the teacher again - just be really honest and say "this was really bothering me - I know it's a pain but can we go over what was going on so I can understand it?"

Keep your ears and eyes open but I wouldn't assume it was completely over the top until I had more evidence either way.

[CowsRock]

I leaning more towards your view of this situation. I don't see it as a problem that you showed up at nap time because your daughter didn't even know you were there, and from your description, had things still been going well you would have simply left. And yes, I've held MY child very tightly when he is flipping out, but he is my child and we have deep trust and a bond and I intimately know his cues for when the holding is best and for when just letting him go is best. I do child care for one child at a time and have known these children since they were babes, but I would never presume to know them that intimately. Sometimes a caregiver holding a child will make the upset a million times worse, if it were my son in that situation the way you describe the crying would be him saying I don't trust you to hold me this way...so I get what you are saying. But of course I'm not working in a daycare environment, were they concerned about her waking all the others...who knows, hopefully you'll find out the details and concerns. Whatever the deal is, I would definitely be unhappy about it and would want concrete answers...you might not like their answers or reasoning, and even if someone else thinks it is all sound, if it doesn't work for you then it doesn't work for you. You are the expert on your child. Good luck with it all!

[ssh]

You're not overreacting. Physically holding your DD down with her arms crossed is not appropriate. Your DD sitting quietly on a bean bag looking at books if she can't go to sleep is appropriate. Leaving red marks on your DDs wrists is child abuse, at least in some places. It is definitely overpowering by using brute force. If someone forcibly held me down I'd feel it was a violent act, unless I was badly injured and bleeding etc.

[mommajb]

The hold you are describing (facing out on a lap with the child's arms crossed in front of their body and held firmly by the wrists) is one I have heard recommended at the local hospital and health dept when they need a child immobilized. This doesn't make it right but it may be what the childcare worker was taught to do when she felt it necessary to restrain a child. I am not sure how this would affect the situation.

[HeliMom]

Originally Posted by mommajb

The hold you are describing (facing out on a lap with the child's arms crossed in front of their body and held firmly by the wrists) is one I have heard recommended at the local hospital and health dept when they need a child immobilized. This doesn't make it right but it may be what the childcare worker was taught to do when she felt it necessary to restrain a child. I am not sure how this would affect the situation.

This is correct, the move was taught to me as a way to safegaurd myself from further injury. I have needed to do this and it did leave red marks on the young adult's wrists as one would expect from someone fighting restraint. I believe it is acceptable to use when being physically and repeatedly assaulted.

That being said it should never be used as a punishment or even a "go-to" move. I think with further investigation and discussion you can do your best to ensure this doesn't happen again. If the caretaker felt justified (the honestly felt they would be kicked again) and you don't think it was intended as punishment, maybe you can come up with solutions together that you both would find acceptable. If you truly feel that this was punitive or if you feel this was a disproportionate reaction, then remove your child from their care.


Do what you feel is best for your family & good luck.

[Evan&Anna's_Mom]

I think you need more information before deciding your next steps. On the face of it, I would be unhappy with how my child was handled at that moment. But I would start with a meeting with the teacher and director to get their take on the situation, the center's policy on both napping and discipline when a child has the potential to harm herself or others.

Also, how things should have been handled would be drastically different depending on how many adults were in the room at the time. If the teacher were alone, then there are lots of options that they simply can't take (allowing her to leave the room, for example).

From having 2 kids go through daycare and preschool, I would tend to agree that for most kids having the parents show up at mid-day and then leave again could be really difficult. Even if you normally see her mid-day at home (or between here and home), having you leave her at preschool when she is used to going home would be really, really difficult for most kids.

[momtokea]

Originally Posted by myorianna

She sees me and quickly releases her saying "she kicked me!" and gets up and leaves the room... ..

I find this the most disturbing. Is this all the explanation you got from the assistant?? This is something that a 6 year old would say.

I think this assistant needs to better communicate with you about what happened. You can't really make any decisions until the assistant explains herself. If she can't explain to you what happened I would assume the worst.

[geekgolightly]

I would want to hear the assistant's position, so a meeting with the assistant and manager would be on my agenda.

My son, when he was around that age was going to his first daycare, and he kept complaining about it saying it was "bad" and "stay home momma." At first I shrugged it off as jitters and was trying to work with the day care people about his anxiety, but after a month of this, he began to be more specific "Michael hit me!" So I talked with the teachers about that. Finally, one day, as DS and I were leaving, I heard a teacher scream, "SHUT UP!!!" We were outside and I heard it clear as day. I never took him back, found a church playgroup and he thrived there.

I felt bad for not listening to my son earlier. At the same time though, I believed and still believe that you shouldn't give up after one bad incident. Working through stuff, negotiating and coming to agreements are learned behaviors. But if your DD is truly unhappy there, and not just upset about the changes in her schedule and losses of a couple nannies, find something new for her, to be sure!

[PenelopeJune]

I don't think you are overreacting. I would be very, very angry. I don't know what I would do about it, but I do NOT think you are over reacting.

[averlee]

I know I'm going to sound very doom & gloom, and over-reactive...but no way would I keep sending my child to that place. For one thing, they are interfering with her body functions. Trying to force a child to sleep is akin to force-feeding or punishing potty training mishaps. I would personally speak to the person who committed the violence against my child- not to ask for information, but to state that they are not to ever lay a hand on my, or anyone else's child in anger, and that I have informed the director and recommended they be fired. I'd tell the director that they need to be screening, training, and supervising their staff better. And no way would I keep giving my money to a substandard care center- financially supporting it would mean I agree with it.

[oceanbaby]

I don't think you are overreacting at all. I would be seriously pissed, and would have to think long and hard about sending my kid back there. You know your kid, and your gut is telling you that this story just doesn't add up. Plus, even if she did kick, I don't see how a "kick" results in holding someone's arms down. If a kid was trying to smack me, yes, I might grab their arms. But it would be momentary until I could move away. What does holding her arms have to do with kicking?

If nothing else, if the situation has escalated to the point where she needs to be physically restrained at naptime, then it is not the right place to have her at naptime.

Personally, I think they were trying to hold her down to get her to nap and were busted when you walked in, thus making up the lame "she kicked me" story and quickly getting out of the room.

[lauren]

I think it would be wise to speak with the director and get some answers about this. If they use this 'procedure' it should be a written policy regarding aggression in children.