Dealing with aggressive 14 month old

[liberal_chick]

This is such new territory for me. My ds1, who is now almost 5, was so gentle. He still is!

My (almost) 14 month old is frequently aggressive. He bites, hits, and pinches. Sometimes I can tell he does it just to see what happens, but he often does it when he's angry and/or frustrated.

For example, he loves to go outside and play in the hall at "school" (he's in my class at our local mother's day out program; I'm the only adult and I have 3 other children in the room with me). He'll go to the door and point and basically make it known that he wants to go out. Well, he can't. So I'll sometimes say "No, we can't go outside right now" or "We'll go outside after Lucy's mommy comes" (trying to see if it makes a difference if framed positively or negatively). He'll scream for a bit and then cross the room to hit or bite me.

It doesn't matter if I tell him "no" or say something like "let's be gentle with our hands" or model with his hands how to be gentle. It is all funny to him.

I'd be a lot more apt to just ride this out if he wasn't hitting the other children in the class and trying to (and sometimes succeeding in) beat on ds1. Poor ds1 is only 6 pounds heavier than ds2 and, being such a gentle guy, ds2 can tackle ds1 to the floor and ds1 just takes it.

So anyway, is there anything I can do that I haven't done already? Or is this one of those things that just have to be ridden out over time?

[Just1More]

My ds is still pretty agressive and destructive when he's tired/not feeling well/in a bad mood. We've done pretty well with teaching him what he CAN do when he feels like that. (Jump on the trampoline, tell me about it, get a snack, take a break, etc.) He's pretty good about policing himself these days, but he'll still do more minor things like throw something across the room (not in anger...just in boyness).

So, I'd consistently say, "Do not bite/hit/kick Mama." And then I'd tell him what he CAN do to tell you what's wrong. A sign, or a word or two, and I'd use the same one everytime.

I think a lot of it is our idea that everybody should be gentle and neatly pressed. Girls sometimes aren't, and little boys usually aren't. They WANT to hit and throw things. In fact, they need to. And we can't shove them indoors and expect them to be nice. My husband can't even take that very long without getting grumpy, and he's a very controlled man. Ds started chasing me with a toy broom when he was about 17 months old. I asked him what he was going to do and he said he was going to "whack Mama" (giggle, giggle, giggle). He whacked my Mom from behind, too, when no one was watching. He laughed SO hard. He still thinks stuff like that is funny.

He hurt his foot, and it was so awkward to tell the ER doc that when the doc was squeezing ds's foot and ds laughed...that was the part that hurt. We didn't TEACH him that...he's just always thought pain was funny.

I posted this in another thread about 2yo aggression, but I'll say it again here. What woked for ds was (NOT in the moment, and in NO WAY punitive or disciplinary) to start trading punches. He needed some serious rough-housing. Once I (not dh...ME) started doing it with him, his aggression ended. Immediately. And we never had a problem with it in that way again. Anytime it starts to come up, I play very, very rough with him and he giggles and gives big hugs and kisses, and I don't have any trouble anymore.

This is his favorite way to play, and by telling him "no hitting, that's not nice", I was shutting out a part of who he his. When I remembered that he wasn't being "bad", he was just being, and I gave him a way to play this game with me in a controlled way, the out of control stopped.

[ElliesMomma]

no advice, sorry; but i had to laugh at your siggy line, that your DS1 is the "wild boy" and the DS2 is the "sweet" gentle one. maybe you should switch those two around!!

my SIL might be in your shoes soon. her 7 mo son is already 24 pounds, and his older brother, who is 3 yo, is only ahead by a few pounds.

good luck!

[lifeguard]

I'm just here to commisserate. Ds is rough, rough, rough. He likes to throw, hit, bite, pinch & make as much noise as possible. I just keep on trying to be consistent in giving him direction on where it is ok & where it is not. I try really hard to not react overally as that seems to make it funnier to him but I also try hard not to tolerate him treating me roughly (I'm his favourite target).

I like the idea of playing rougher with him & I think I might start incorporating that into our days more - I think ds would respond well to that.

[liberal_chick]

Originally Posted by ElliesMomma

no advice, sorry; but i had to laugh at your siggy line, that your DS1 is the "wild boy" and the DS2 is the "sweet" gentle one. maybe you should switch those two around!!

my SIL might be in your shoes soon. her 7 mo son is already 24 pounds, and his older brother, who is 3 yo, is only ahead by a few pounds.

good luck!

LOL, you're totally right! He was a sweet little guy when I made that siggy. A sweet little newborn guy!