Telling a Sensitive 5 year old we are moving across the country . . .any advice?

[jilly]

So, my dh just go accepted into a Graduate studies program and we are planning to move across the country this summer. We presently live in a smallish town (5000 people) and we are moving to one of the biggest cities in Canada. We have to tell our sensitive 5 yr old (and our 3 yr old) this Satruday, before my dh announces his resignation this Sunday morning at church (he is a minister).

This is the only place our kids have ever lived, and my older son just started Kindergarten this year. I know he is going to be heart broken because he often says things like, "I'm nervous about grade 1, but it will be okay, because all my friends are going to be there." and "I love this house, I hope we never move." He hates change and transitions or any kind to the extent that it takes a few weeks into a new season to convince him to wear clothing appropriate to that season (for instance, it was +24C today, and he wore fleece pants and a sweater to school because it is the first week of warm weather). He is very sensitive and easily attached to friends and places and things. He still constantly talks about the death of his grandfather over a year ago, even though we only got to visit him a couple of times a year, so they were not super close.

So far we have decided that we will tell him we are moving and tell him the reasons why. I took some travel books out of the library that have pictures of the city we are moving to. I've ordered the Lonely Planet guide so we can research what sort of things there are in this new city, and look at the pictures together.

I'm just wondering what else we can do. I'm anticipating three months of grieving before we leave (from now until August) and at least 6 months of grieving once we get there. I"m anticipating daily bouts of crying and anger and woe and just a really tough time. Any ideas how we can make this easier on him, or help him though this, aside from going over it endlessly and reminding him to enjoy his time here rather than focus on the impending move?

[ChetMC]

Moving

When moved across the country (Halifax to Seattle) when our girls were 2.5 and 4. Then we were supposed to move to England when they were 3.5 and 5. We shipped our stuff to England, but ended up in California instead... and then back in Halifax. Now our girls are 4.5 and 6 and we're heading to Montreal.

My advice would be :

- focus on the exciting parts of the move. Our girls are looking forward to Montreal because they have an IKEA with a ballroom. They were excited about England because of Mary Poppins. California had the beach and Disneyland. The stuff that appeals to kids isn't necessarily huge.

- focus on being together as a family. DH has often gone ahead of us when we moved. It made it easier in that things were ready when me and the kids arrived, but it also helped me to realize that being all together is something very special to the kids. For all of the things that he is leaving behind, you can remind your DS that you all have each other.

- find out what he would like to have on the other end of the move. What colour does he want his new room to be? Would he like to take swimming lessons or go to daycamp when he gets there?

- Respect his feelings if he's sad or worried, but try to stay as positive as possible. If you're excited about the move and treat it like an adventure some of that is bound to rub off on him.

Are you sure that you need to tell you DS so soon? I'm all for keeping kids informed about what is going on, but three months is a very long time at his age. If you think that he's going to spend most of the time stressing about it, it might be that he find out closer to the actual move.

One thing that I had thought about doing, and never did because the girls didn't seem to need it, was to start a scrap book. My plan was that, if they started coming to me complaining that they would miss things like friends, or their room, or the park and stuff that they couldn't take with them, I would pull out the scrapbook and tell them that we'd take pictures of those things and make a book to take them in. My thought was that taking a picture was something concrete they can do right than in response to how they were feeling.

[jilly]

I really don't want to tell him so early, but dh has to announce his resignation, and with the size of our town everyone will be talking about it by the end of the week and it will be the big gossip in town and everywhere we go people will be asking us about it. Its the sort of community where you stop to chat in the post office, at the grocery store, . . . everywhere you go you run into someone you know and they want to chat about whatever is the latest news (sort of like Corner Gas but in real life). So not only do we have to tell him super early, but he is going to be reminded of it every day because people will want to talk to him about it. He's a bit precocious, so the people in our church like to ask him things because they think his answers are funny. I like the idea of making a scrapbook -- we'll have to do that.

Incidentally, we're moving to Montreal, too.

[Dukey25]

This may sound silly but my kids were really concerned about what comes with you and what doesn't when you move. They didn't realize that all their things moved too and were quiet distressed until I explained what gets packed and what stays with the house. GL

[Nansense]

We're getting ready to move too and was going to give advice, but I thinkyou're doing great by continually saying it will be fun, you'll be able to go here & there, you'll have new friends, etc...

I purposely want to make sure we move at the beginning of summer so my boys, 5 & 3.5, will have time to make friends. My plan is to get out in the neighborhood quickly and also network through the school & church & realtor to find their friends.

I'm also talking to them a lot, at least once per week, I directly ask them what they think about moving, if they're scared, etc.. and so I keep reassuring them it will be fun. I also had an awakening last time we were driving back from the new neighborhood, about 3hrs away, when my 3.5yo asked where we were going, I said, "home." He asked, "but which house?" (!!!) I told him where his bed is. I had no idea how mixed up he was and made me realize I had to explain a bit more!

Good luck!

[zeldamomma]

There is a Mr. Rogers book about moving that is VERY VERY good.
Here's a link to it at Alibris:
http://www.alibris.com/booksearch.de...&qsort=&page=1

It talks about most of the things that kids worry about with moving, many of which didn't naturally occur to me.

You might be able to get it at the library, but otherwise, used copies are available.

Good luck to you with the move!

[mamadebug]

We are moving this summer as well, and our son is 5 y.o., too. He has known for a while that there was the possibility of a move - and is excited about the idea. We have not told him that we now know it is on for sure, and coming up in a few months (my DH just found out that he got into a grad. program, too!).

Just a few things we have planned to do... We have tried to really focus on what we are going to do once we get there. I asked him what the most important activities/things are to him to find once we get there - he said new swimming lessons and a music class. I promised we would make that a priority. We also emphasized that we are going to do all of this together as a family - we are all going to be making new friends, we are all going to be missing our old friends, classes, school, etc. We are also going to make a book (on shutterfly) of all of his friends and activities so he has that when he is missing them.

Good luck!