HELP! I need it right now.

[Climbergirl]

So, hopefully, I can write this through all the tears.

We nightweaned about 2 months ago. That part went fairly well. DH also wanted DS out of the bed. Now, since he has been patient with the whole co-sleeping thing, I figured that close to 2.5 years old, this would be ok.

No. Not. Not at all.

DH does not sleep well and is exhausted all.the.time. Probably has to do with his snoring, allergies, and some sleep apnea (we have a study on Monday, so that is a relief to get some answers). My ILs (a pedi and nurse) came out to visit when DS was 18 months and convinced DH that the reason he does not sleep well is DS (despite me saying that makes no sense, DH snores, etc). So, here we are, trying to get DS to sleep in his own bed.

Last night, he woke up at 1, 3, 4, 5, and 6 am. Yep. And this morning, I tried to put on a movie so I could get another hour of sleep. Oh no! DS did not like that and I LOST it. Seriously lost it. Cried (very, very hard). And when he kept putting his hand over my mouth to make me stop, I swatted him. And that terrifies me. I am so absolutely sad about that. Who am I?

I am 4 weeks pregnant so more tired than usual.

DH can not help this week because he is out of town. He does not help at night because he is already so exhausted (and he is the one working to make money). I get to "sleep in" on the weekends. But doing that messes up the week for me. And the past few weeks, by Thursday, I have lost it.

I don't know what to do. I am scared to sleep with DS because I am worried now that I am pregnant that we will have 2 in the bed at once. I am not sure I can do that. But sometimes, I go into his room and I am so tired, I crawl into bed with him. But then, it is a twin bed and I don't sleep as well.

Please help me come up with a game plan. Because I can not deal with this anymore. I have mental health issues in my history and lack of sleep is not good for that at all. And I can feel myself creeping closer and closer to that cliff.

I really hope this post makes some sense. I am not sure it does though.

Thanks.....

[akind1]

wanted to offer

It does sound as if your DH has other issues that need to get sorted that have nothing to do with co-sleeping. Perhaps once they do, everyone will be happier.

Is it possible to get your DS a full size bed, or a trundle (they make them so that they come up and are the same level as the twin size bed) so you could sleep with him in his room more comfortably?

I know the idea of two kids in a bed with you is a worry, but as you are newly pregnant, there is some time to figure it out before the new one is born. Also, once the baby is born, your oldest may want to come back to bed anyway even if fully transitioned, at least for a while.

As far as the swatting, I know you regret it, but I don't know if there are many people that haven't been there - it is partly reflex I think. If you talk to your DS about it I am sure he forgives you - a close friend of mine has a son that age, and she has gone through similiar recently.

[firewoman]

Oh mama! I feel for you and completely understand. Lack of sleep turns me into a bear and with that early pregnancy unnatural tiredness it is no surprise that you snapped. I don't have a lot of advice on how to transition him but I think for both your sake and your DS's sake I would wait until you get through that really tired part of the pregnancy and then work on it. Is your DH a huge guy? If not maybe he could sleep on the twin and you and your DS can sleep in the bigger bed. If that is not an option you may just have to find an arrangement where you can comfortably sleep with DS whether it be a new bed or a trundle.

Don't beat yourself up for the swatting. I know you have guilt and I would too, but we are all human. Tell him you are sorry and try to get some rest.

[pianojazzgirl]

I think you need to lay it all out for dh. You are pg, which means you are tired (and probably going to get more tired as the first tri progresses). Moving ds out of the bed is not working right now. You are NOT getting enough sleep. Not at all. And your body is growing a new baby now. You can talk about moving ds to his own bed later. Now is just not a good time for it. Does dh now that you've been crying your eyes out from exhaustion and losing your patience with ds? I just don't think it's fair for dh to insist on changing the sleeping arrangements and then put it all on you.

I think the pp's idea of having dh sleep in the single and you and your ds sleep in the master bed makes the most sense right now.

[Climbergirl]

Yes, he knows I have been crying like this. Last Thursday was the same scenario and DH tried very hard to get stuff done around the house this past weekend so I wasn't worried about that as well. I hope I did not make him sound mean, he is just convinced DS is the cause of his sleep issues. We did talk about having DS sleep with me while DH is traveling, but I can tell when he is agreeing on the outside and does not agree on the inside. He is stressed about being the sole money maker and the not sleeping thing is crazy. At least he has a sleep study to go to on Monday.

We did talk about having him sleep in our son's room (the twin) and he says he does not sleep well there. So, nothing really got changed. DH has to sleep in our room. DS has to sleep in his room. And really, no one is getting sleep at this point. I can't imagine that DS is getting enough sleep. He has been napping like CRAZY during the day. I wish I could, but I feel worse when I do.

DH did agree to do all the night time going to bed stuff because that was stressful to do both. But now, going to bed is the easy part. But, DH does not hear DS waking up, and I have to wake him to go to DS so I am pretty much awake then.

Yeah, I think we are going to have to talk once DH gets home from travel. I know feel torn between 3 people (DH, DS, and this little bean). Argh! I think I may wait until after the sleep study results (those should be quick). If they show him that he has sleep apnea, then I think he will be more willing to rethink things a bit. I honestly haven't heard that much sleep apnea, but I am hardly sleeping in our room. My sister listened to him sleeping and said she heard him stop breathing for about 7 seconds.

I am honestly ready to go check into a hotel for a weekend.

[liliaceae]

So have DH sleep in your room, and you sleep in your son's room with him. Can you get another twin mattress and just have 2 twins together on the floor? And definitely sleep with your son while your DH is traveling, if that works better for you.

I would also tell your DH exactly what you've said here, so he can see how serious this is for you.

Don't worry about what's going to happen when the baby comes, you have a lot of time before you need to deal with that.

[Climbergirl]

**double post**

[pianojazzgirl]

Yes, I agree with liliaceae - If your dh insists he needs the master bed then sounds like you should share ds's room. Add another mattress in there (or switch to a double bed if that works). If finances are an issue you could even have ds sleep on a camping mat on the floor (really at that age it's just as comfy for them).

We have had all kinds of sleeping arrangements in our family - in fact dh and I have spent various times during ds's life sleeping in different beds. My dh is a heavy snorer and a tosser-and-turner. All three of us in one bed does not work. In fact I've always had trouble sleeping with dh in the bed (and if you add a night-waking toddler in the mix it just becomes unbearable). We've done me with ds in one bed (dh in the guest room), dh with ds in one bed (me in the guest room). Now ds is in his own room, but comes to our bed in the early morning. On the week days (when dh has to wake earlier than us) he sleeps in the guest room and on the weekends we sleep together! We just do whatever's necessary for everyone to get some sleep. So maybe I'm biased here but you becoming EXHAUSTED so that your dh can sleep better seems so not cool!!

[faithsstuff]

I had to reply- I hear your frustration. Be gentle with yourself mama. You need as much consideration as anyone else. I recently swatted my little one and while I wanted to shoor to myself in the foot, I"m pretty sure he's o.k. Breathe.

[JessieBird]

Originally Posted by liliaceae

So have DH sleep in your room, and you sleep in your son's room with him.

This is the only answer that I can see. We recently transitioned DS out of our bed and doing exactly this helped immensely. All is going mostly well now but still if he's having a bad night, DS and I crawl into the spare double bed (in his room) together. Sometimes we'll do this just because I need to get away from DH (he tosses and turns when he's stressed about work).

Not only does your DS need a more gentle transition but you need better sleep too. You can't be woken up by your son or your husband at all hours right now. I think you need a break from sleeping with DH as much as he he needs a break from sleeping with DS. I learned from my DH's family that playing musical beds can sometimes be very therapeutic!

But back to the subject at hand - I would also suggest that you not put too much emphasis on getting DS to sleep alone anytime soon. This may be a gradual process and you need to take the easy road here and not put too much pressure on either of you. First step is getting him into his own room with you there with him. I agree with pps who suggested getting a bigger bed or another twin or just a camping mattress. Then just see where it goes - I'm sure that eventually (in a few days or weeks) you'll be able to slip out or he may even boot you out but don't rush it. You have LOTS of time before #2 comes so just wipe that from your mind and don't let it become a looming deadline. Bottom line - there are no rules about this stuff and you need to be flexible. Especially when you're this strung out and have so much on your plate, you just have to go with the flow and do whatever gets you some sleep at night. You will naturally end up at a solution that works for everyone.

I really hope that you are feeling better soon. I also hope that your DH figures out his sleep issues and is able to be a bigger part of the family soon.

[mamabutterfly]

Originally Posted by liliaceae

So have DH sleep in your room, and you sleep in your son's room with him.

I also agree with trying this idea. What have you got to lose? Get a double futon for the floor, maybe, that you can roll up in the day. My dd1's room has that (and now that she is 8 she uses it for sleepovers with friends... and for gymnastics, lol.

Let dh work on improving his own sleep in the master bedroom, while you and ds get the most sleep you can together for now.
Gradually you can transition back to the other bed when ds gets a little more comfortable and secure with the setup.
I think *many* families do some variation on room combos to get through the early years. Hard to imagine, but even this young bean on the way will be grown in a few of years.

BTW, also wanted to share that my dh just had a sleep study and was diagnosed with sleep apnea. I can't tell you how I am kicking myself that we didn't do it sooner!!!
it turns out he was getting nearly no REM sleep ever. Hmm, is that why he was tired CONSTANTLY (really, couldn't make it through a day without dropping off to sleep).

He's been sleeping with a CPAP machine for a month, and I'm really glad for him. It has greatly improved his moods and energy levels. BUT the learning curve with the machine took a little time... and I'll admit there is a little bit of noise (mainly if it comes off a little), and I think it might be a good combo to sleep in ds' room while he works out the CPAP - if he gets one.

Good luck, mama!

[Climbergirl]

Thanks for the replies. The next night was better (he pretty much STTN), but then the next few nights have been him waking up 2-3 times.

This morning, I lost it again. While DH was getting ready. I knew DS was not going to let me sleep, so I broke down. Really, it was not that bad of a night, but I am so tired to begin with, it doesn't matter. DH said, "we will figure it out" and I told him that only meant that I get to try something different while he still was sleeping. Then he said we will figure out what is going on with his sleep soon and that with travel and what not, this was the earliest it could happen. I told him that was BULL. I have begged him to see a doctor for a YEAR now and I even made all the appointments to get this far. I told him I was very mad at him for doing that to me. He just said that he understood.

I tried to get DS to sleep in our bed while DH was traveling and he was all out of sorts with that. I am trying to sleep with DS in his bed, but he is hot all the time (regardless of how little clothes I out on him) and it basically keeps me awake because I am cold. That and he takes the covers off of me when he wakes up. I have tried putting his crib mattress next to our bed, but he does not do well in that either.

So right now, I sleep in our bed to start off with and when DS wakes up, I go to his bed and sorta sleep until DH leaves and then by that point DS will be awake and won't let me sleep.

I feel bad because I have not wanted DS to nurse at all today. I have been pretty standoffish and that is plain wrong. But I feel so completely depleted, I have nothing else to give. To no one. Not even myself.

Argh! This has to get better soon....

[liliaceae]

Can you put on a video for DS during the day while you take a nap?

[2cutiekitties]

Wow, your DH is being pretty selfish. So he has sleeping issues which havent been addressed professionally and he travels??!!!! seriously.

He gets the boot imo. Figure out what YOU want and then stick with it. Stop accomodating your hubby. You will be fine in a bed with two babes!

What happened in my house is DH went to sleep in the bed we bought for DS, which is a high quality organic full with an incredible sheet set. So DH likes it and sleeps way better, even though he misses me. I kept DS in the master with the king bed and I dress him in a tee and pajama bottoms and he sleeps without covers. I am able to have covers for myself. Keep it consistent. DS has never been shuffled.

[llwr]

You might want to read NSCC for preschoolers and toddlers.

My DD started loving reward charts at about that age.

[pianojazzgirl]

Originally Posted by 2cutiekitties

Wow, your DH is being pretty selfish. So he has sleeping issues which havent been addressed professionally and he travels??!!!! seriously.

I'm kinda mad at your dh!

Do you have the resources to replace ds's single bed with a comfy double that you and he could share? You could do as a pp mentioned and have ds sleep in just pjs (with or without a light blanket) and you could have your own heavier blanket.

The not wanting to nurse is pretty normal considering the pg hormones and the lack of sleep. Don't beat yourself up. (beat up dh instead... just kidding! )

[Climbergirl]

Thanks so much you guys

Yes, DH is being selfish. Yep, he traveled last week and will next week and then maybe the week after that. Granted, because he took this job I don't have to work and we knew there would be a lot of travel. I did not expect him to say to me that he is working and needs as much sleep as possible and therefore can not help me at night at all. So, with #2, I am definitely co-sleeping and told him so.

Honestly, I blame his parents for this too. They convinced him when DS was 18 months that the co-sleeping was why DH was so tired. No amount of logic could convince them otherwise (the snoring and allergies, etc.) and they harped on it the entire visit. FIL is a pedi and MIL is a nurse. So, of course, they are the experts. I am a stupid engineer who worked in medical device and apparently only doctors know how to read a study from a journal. They even started sending us articles on sleep that had a whole bunch of crap about CIO. Grrrr.... Not helpful.

We can't afford a double mattress since we now have another little one on the way. We need to get some stuff for that little one. We borrowed a lot for #1 and had to give it all back when we moved.

DH is about to understand how PO'd I am. I have explained it before, but I think he will get the drift today.

Honestly, I dress DS in barely anything and I wear full on long underwear (my winter camping long underwear). I am still cold. I have hypothyroidism (can I have anything else going on that makes me exhausted?) so I stay forever unnaturally cold (until 2nd trimester where I actually feel normal). DS will see the covers on me and say "No Mommy cold" and SNATCH them off. This starts around 5am. I have a hard time keeping my cool when I am half asleep and he keeps taking the covers off (even if I tuck them around me, he insists they come off and become very aggressive about it).

I feel like I am stuck with putting a gate up and telling him that he must stay in his room. Period. Yes, I feel that is CIO and I am very, very anti-CIO, but I can't figure out anything else. But DS is 31 months old now. And it feels that even when I am TRYING to get sleep with him, he has some other weird idea. So, I am lost. And exhausted. And I am worried that the stress of all this will make my TSH levels raise even higher and that will make me miscarriage. Otherwise, I would not consider this option.

I have read NCSS. It is a good book. Unfortunately, it says that needing mom to go to sleep could take a LONG time to break the habit. I have been trying for 2 months now and it is not working. We do have a good go to sleep routine and that has been working well. And we have been trying to make it so that he lets me sit by the bed (with the goal of slowly moving towards the door), but he is having a really hard time with that.

It seems like when we give up something, it has to be cold turkey. The pacifier was that way (tried for weeks to slowly wean him and then we went cold turkey and it was fine after a few days). Same with night weaning (tried the Gordon method but he was freaking out, made it a timing to the sun and it was fine after a week). So, now I am wondering if I put him to bed as usual, tell him I love him and will see him in the morning and then put up a gate and not go in. It will break my heart. But, at this point something has to give.

Hopefully the results from the study will come in quickly so we can get DH on a plan so his sleep will improve. And then he will need to figure out a way to seriously make this up to me. Seriously. And I think he will. I think after this morning when he saw me crying, he knew. And I think it scared him a bit. Which is good, he needs to be scared.

[Maluhia]

In the end CIO is unhealthy and will not work.

Can you get a family member to come and help? I'd say your DH but with sleep apnea he might be a dangerous help.

[Climbergirl]

No, there is no family that can come and help. Even when they do come and visit, I ask them to help me at night, I get a no (because they are on vacation!).

I would only get help when I have a newborn. I was hoping my mom would stay here and help me out when she comes and visits in a few weeks, but she just told me they are going to stay about an hour away and that their primary purpose is to visit DC and (well, she did not say this, but you get the drift), visiting with me is happening because I live near DC. My parents never saw 1 place I lived in when I was in college (they never visited), so I am not surprised.

I was thinking about that today actually. The only person is my sister, but her hubby won't let her come out for that, especially if she is coming out for #2's birth. It is too expensive to fly and they don't have family nearby so her hubby would have to take vacation to take care of the kids. And with her oldest having medical problems, I know she does not trust her hubby to feed him the food he can only have. Sigh....

ROCK <---- ME ---->HARD SPOT

Anyone know if chiro or CST would help?

[Maluhia]

It is certainly a hard spot for sure!
I'd try a chiro or CST in your position, because it can't make things any worse.
Mama!