Best visitation for 26 month old

[NewMom0208]

I am going through a very heartbraking breakup. My stbx is just fine and on a relationship but I am a wreck and no longer trust my own judgement.

He left march 24, this is very fresh.
We have a 26 month old and he seems more clingy than usual and loss some appetite. It is so more crying when either parent drops him at preschool

We are doing alternate days, I pick him up Mon, Wed and Fri from School. His father picks him up Tues and Thursday and keeps him overnight. I have him Saturdays and on Sundays he is with his father from 7am to 8pm.

I am told by his teacher this is not the best for him and that splitting the week in two will cause less transitions. I worry that if doesn't see me for 3 days on a row he will freak out...

What is the best for the kid? Please help!

[RollerCoasterMama]

Originally Posted by NewMom0208

I am going through a very heartbraking breakup. My stbx is just fine and on a relationship but I am a wreck and no longer trust my own judgement.

He left march 24, this is very fresh.
We have a 26 month old and he seems more clingy than usual and loss some appetite. It is so more crying when either parent drops him at preschool

We are doing alternate days, I pick him up Mon, Wed and Fri from School. His father picks him up Tues and Thursday and keeps him overnight. I have him Saturdays and on Sundays he is with his father from 7am to 8pm.

I am told by his teacher this is not the best for him and that splitting the week in two will cause less transitions. I worry that if doesn't see me for 3 days on a row he will freak out...

What is the best for the kid? Please help!

Oh that's tough! Are you absolutely set on 50-50? I know some people do it and pull it off successfully. But as a general rule it seems like kids do better with a home base. One primary home. Alternating days or splitting the week is going to keep him in a pretty stressed out state. He'll get used to it eventually...kids do. They're usually pretty adaptable. But my own personal belief is that 50-50 isn't the best for the kids even if it's what the parents want. At least not toddlers and young children. Once they're older and have a say in the matter, it's a different story.

My DS turned 3 this winter and the first week apart, we did lots of back and forth...to help with the transition (plus it was Christmas break from school so we split the days off with him). But we eventually settled on an every other weekend routine, with the intention of having an additional overnight once a week or so. That didn't work for us. The best intentions of the parents didn't account for his stress level. So we adjusted. And we added more frequent visits that weren't overnights. It's helping a LOT to relieve DS's stress. Now he can experience visiting with Daddy without the stress of knowing that he'll be missing me later. Those visits help with the sleep-over nights.

You're really new into this stage. Chances are your son would be going through a lot no matter what you do. I definitely agree that 3 days is too long for a barely 2 year old to be away from mom! DS is a really mature 3 yr old, and STBX and I are both very mellow and flexible and not stressed at this point...and even so, we had to cut back to no more than 1 overnight at a time. DS just couldn't handle it. I'd love the break of two nights in a row (:-D) but by the second night, he's inconsolable. So now on Daddy weekends, STBX picks him up from preschool on Friday, brings him home by bedtime. Then he goes back to Daddy's on Saturday morning and sleeps over that night. For a while he was getting really upset by mid-afternoon Sunday, but the last visit, he was fine through supper-time. It's taken us several months to reach this level of peace. And that's without the stress of a recent break-up and new relationships. (We had 6 months in the same house after I decided to get adjusted to our new roles...and no one is dating anyone. So it's not as raw as it must be for you.)

Hang in there. Take care of yourself too. And since your DS is so little, maybe help him with the vocabulary a bit so that he can express what he's feeling and he knows it's ok to feel that way. "You're sad" "You miss Mommy/Daddy" "You miss your house" Maybe tell him littles stories about a boy named [DS] who misses his mommy/daddy. And that's ok. They love him and are sad too and will help each other feel better. Things change but everyone still loves him. Very short stories like that. DS really liked that during the hardest couple of weeks. I was surprised how much he liked it. Then he'd request stories about other things that were hard for him.

[simplemama32]

I can only speak for what I feel is best for my own DS, but he is about the same age as yours. Also, H and I have only been officially separated for almost a month, so this is all pretty new.

DS wouldn't handle being away from me overnight very well...we haven't even tried. In a year or two, I can see gradually working up to that, but not yet. Also, H and DS do not have the closest relationship, and I'm hoping that will improve over time.

Right now, H is currently unemployed and picks DS up from my parents' house in the early afternoon (after his nap) 2-3 days a week. Then I bring him back to my parents' (where we're currently staying) around bedtime. I have him on Saturdays, and H has him for most of Sunday.

It's worked out well so far. We're all trying to be flexible with everyone's needs and schedule. I can only hope it remains like this...I'm *not* looking forward to navigating holidays and special occasions around all of this!

[NewMom0208]

There is a lot of drama between the dad and I. So I decided to cut contact to the bear minimum. We do not talk unless absolutelly necesary. This was my wish, this is what I need for now.

My son does not talk, but I know what you mean, I do tell him.

His dad is extremely mean and cruel with me, as if I was the one betraying him and abusing him. I dont get it.. but he is wonderful with his son and wants 50/50 custody and my lawyer says Florida State promotes 50/50 now.

On a selfish note, I need me time. I love my son but I do enjoy the nights he is with dad and I can reconnect with me and purposely work on my own healing.

I think he is doing ok and it is working for me, so I'll leave it as it is.

[NewMom0208]

For holidays we are alternating years.
This years he has him new years
I have Christmas
He has thanksgiving and I have the day after since I get it off at work
He gets 4th July
I get memorial day

[RollerCoasterMama]

Originally Posted by NewMom0208

On a selfish note, I need me time. I love my son but I do enjoy the nights he is with dad and I can reconnect with me and purposely work on my own healing.

I think he is doing ok and it is working for me, so I'll leave it as it is.

Me time is a wonderful thing! I'm really looking forward to when DS can handle 2 nights in a row.

Sounds like you have the plan that works best for you now. You're so new into this...he will adjust. My dad was the local juvinile judge for ever...he told me at the beginning when I was figuring things out and saying we're still adjusting that kids will adjust to anything as long as it becomes their routine. They need to know what to expect. If you are as consistant and boringly predicatable in his schedule as you can be, you should do fine eventually.

[NewMom0208]

Thank you rollercoasterMama, you are right. And I was thinking, I see him every day, one day in the morning, next day in the evening and so on.

He seems overly exited when he sees me, once he figures out I always come back the next day it will be even easier.

Now I need to pray we can keep this schedule for long. If not, back to trying to adapt

[meemee]

no one knows what's best for kids. you have to try and figure things out.

i do not buy teh teachers advice. that is teh normal advice i have always gotten too.

i have the exact schedule you have. it worked REALLY well from when dd was 3 and continues to do so now when dd is 7 1/2. it actually works for all of us.

here are reasons why
- ex can only handle parenting in small doses. he is a better parent doing alternate days rather than 3 days slots.
- dd loves her daddy but her main emotional nurturing comes from me. even today she would find it harder to separate from me for 3 days. or even from her dad for that matter
- it works v. well for me and my school schedule.

one KEY thing to remember is that the schedule is not causing your sons issues. also for future please remember that not all of the issues you see are related to being a single parent. i had to have friends remind me it can be an age appropriate thing which i as a single mom quite frequently forgot and would blame myself.

him getting used to the transition is not easy. plus that age is a v. emotional age too.

i would not change a thing esp. if you dont have confidence in how ex could handle son for 3 days a week.

there are a lot of opinions and theories around. NO one i have met who say = hey that's a good schedule. they are all shocked that it works for us as a family. i mean he knows one parent drops him off, another picks him up. so that should not be a problem for him.

this is all too fresh for him. give ds a few months to get used to discovering his new life. let him get used to his new schedule and have confidence in it and he will get better.

right now he is getting double dose. its age appropriate emotional growth spurt along with a new situation. i mean if you have a hard time adjusting wouldnt it be the same for him. poor guy.

does he cry when you do the exchange on the weekends? or no matter which parent he just does not want to go to ps. Is not going to ps an option? dd never ever liked going to ps/dc but had to. she really didnt 'adjust' to it, but eventually she did stop crying.

((((HUGS))))

[NewMom0208]

please remember that not all of the issues you see are related to being a single parent. i had to have friends remind me it can be an age appropriate thing which i as a single mom quite frequently forgot and would blame myself.

This is so true! Now that I think about it, my son has gone through periods of clinginess before, so this one may not be related to the separation. Apetite has only diminish a bit, it can even be teething or it can be the separation.

The crying more when we leave him at preschool, that one I think is him adapting to not seeing the dropping parent until next day. Anything I can do when dropping him to help him? I do tell him I'll see him tomorrow and that I love him and that I'll miss him. He doesnt talk but I say it anyway.

He does not cry during the weekend, only on weekday mornings.

[meemee]

Originally Posted by NewMom0208

Anything I can do when dropping him to help him?

This is what worked for me - but not all the time. however in a sense i feel this also happened too early for my dd. she started dc at 2. fulltime.i if it was just a few hours she would have done better. if we could have waited till she was 3 even better.

i invested in our morning. i made sure we had at least an hour and half together in the morning. i would snuggle in bed, or we'd go for a treat to the coffee shop. we walked to the ps or took the bus instead of driving. just to have some fun. some adventure. i discovered anytime we had a good morning she was usually much happier at drop off. that wasnt true though all the time. i made sure she got a good dose of mommy before she left for the day.

surprisingly she never cried when her dad was dropping her off. only me.

[violet_]

It sounds like what you're doing is pretty good, especially regarding transitions. In my experience, at least, it tends to be easier on the child to transition to and from daycare rather than straight from one parent to the other, so picking up at daycare and returning in the morning does minimize transition, in its own way. Good luck to you.

[Goodmom2008]

Do you have a court order in place and have to follow that insane schedule? If not, I would put a stop to it. The poor kid doesn't now where he is going to be day to day and that is having an impact on his behavior. One overnight on a week-end and a couple of dinners during the week with no overnights is a way better schedule for a kid so young. Hopefully, your stbx will be enough of a parent that he won't insist on continuing a schedule that is clearly not in the child's best interest at this time. He's adjusting to his parents not being together anymore, which is a lot to cope with. Add to that an insane schedule where he switches homes every single day, that's simply not good.

He is being expected to adjust to everything all at once. And that simply isn't fair to him. At all. If you want to do 50/50 or are in a stupid state that does not take the child's best interests into consideration (50/50 physical states would be one of those states), there is nothing that says you have to jump right away to this type of schedule. Gradual is better. Especially in younger kids.

[NewMom0208]

I have to say, this is working just fine. And, no court order this is what I have by choice.

My lo is doing better each day, less clingy, his appetite is back and I really think that was not be due to separation but teething. He was drooling like crazy and had some fever and soft stools.

As per crying when dropped at school, it is 30-40 seconds and continues to reduce (I stay behind the door until he starts playing, so I know first hand how long he cried, and I cry also...). He is a happy little boy during the day. When I arrive I find him playing, dancing or even singing! He has started interacting more with the other kids which was never the case before.

He does wake up at night, but he is either serene or wants to play. This has happened before the separation so it must be something else.

He still gets overexcited to see me, but I think that will mellow down. He does not cry during the weekends. I think when he is in school with homework and stuff he will need less transitions, but for now, he is just fine.

So I repectfully disagree this is just not good. He gets melted parenting time and he seems to be doing just fine with that.

I am just starting my divorce, I have not filed, I havent even schedule the appt with the lawyer, which will do today, but this is Florida and they do advocate 50/50. We'll see.

[NewMom0208]

Originally Posted by meemee

This is what worked for me - but not all the time. however in a sense i feel this also happened too early for my dd. she started dc at 2. fulltime.i if it was just a few hours she would have done better. if we could have waited till she was 3 even better.

i invested in our morning. i made sure we had at least an hour and half together in the morning. i would snuggle in bed, or we'd go for a treat to the coffee shop. we walked to the ps or took the bus instead of driving. just to have some fun. some adventure. i discovered anytime we had a good morning she was usually much happier at drop off. that wasnt true though all the time. i made sure she got a good dose of mommy before she left for the day.

surprisingly she never cried when her dad was dropping her off. only me.

Meemee, I started this today and it is already helping! It is crazy Monday so I couldnt really do anything out of ordinary, but I played with him for half an hour on the school grounds and only then we headed to the classroom, he complained when I handed him to the teacher, but no cries.

Wednesday, I need to plan something else, or maybe it can be the same each time.