Hi. I'm not sure where to start. I'm not certain that I am experiencing PPD, or just a very bad week/couple of weeks/day, etc. I've had pretty much no sleep at all last night, so that may definately be coloring my thinking right now. I can't stop crying this morning, cried a lot last night - I haven't been like this all along. Baby is 5 weeks old, was a 36-weeker, and we're still dealing with bf issues - supplementing with formula (a horrible nightmare as far as I'm concerned) and pumping (which is a close 2nd horrible nightmare). For the first time in 8 years of marriage husband and I are fighting like every single night (we used to fight like once a year). And, we've already raised 2 teenage boys, plus have an almost-2-yr-old, so this is hugely unusual and possibly the biggest source of stress. I know this is coming out very haphazardly, and normally I am able to be coherant, just not this morning. I need to get this out, and I can't talk to anyone IRL. I know that sounds stupid, but I can't. We are on a job with his work that has us a long way from home, and while we have some people here that we know from church, there is no way I can share this with them. THey would want to help and they are all so nice but they can't help, and it would make us look awful (yes, stupid I know). I was a midwifery student (on hold since having the babies) and I do know lots of the mw around here, but for same sort of reasons I don't feel like I can talk to them about this. Plus, a lot of the issues concern my husband and it would be totally disloyal to him to start spilling our private stuff to people in our lives. Especially if this turns out to be mostly me and hormones and less him. Man, I know I sound like a raving lunatic, and it's not been like this so far or I would have gotten help somehow. Some days are okay, at least they start off okay. Some nights we sleep.
I didn't pump anywhere near enough when the supplementing started. Baby had breastmilk jaundice (didn't go away with bili lights, even hospital ones, went away immediately with 2 days of formula - talk about making me feel defective), I was totally freaking exhausted between him and 1-yr-old and was only pumping like 2ce a day. And yes, I know that's absurd on my part to think that's going to work. Now of course, he's ready to bf again, and I have less than 1/2 the supply he's needing, and now I do have to pump every freaking 3 hours. We were getting a little sleep at night because he's a good sleeper and I let him and I didn't pump. Yet again, feeling like a horrible mother, putting my needs over his. More reasons why I feel like I can't talk to the mw's - I can't even claim ignorance on this stuff.
I can't imagine how I did two little ones all by myself before (my big boys are 19 and 20 now). I can't function AT ALL with these two, and my little girl is pretty decently behaved. Trying to take the 2 of them anywhere is a logistical mountain that I cannot seem to climb. Yes, I'm old now, and fat, and apparently incapable of anything. We are on the road with husband's work, so we are living in a 26 ft. travel trailer. Of course that makes everything feel a hundred times worse and harder.
I did have my placenta encapsulated this time - I had some issues during my 3rd trimester that made me think I might be at risk for PPD this time. Taking 1 per day - gonna up that to 3 per day. Haven't been taking other vitamins - another guilt trip. Been eating like crap - feel powerless to do anything more than grab granola bars out of the cupboard.
I feel very alone. Very disconnected from everyone - now even my husband, which is just so unfathomable for us. I love this little baby, but I am spending so little (like NONE) time getting to know him and just hanging with him that he's more like a little visitor than my baby. No thoughts of hurting him or myself. Totally stressed over needing to meet everyone else's needs (including myself) and feel like he's getting the shaft - that's probably the crux of it all right there. Most days are flatline - happy to get through it. Not depressed, but not elated and "in love" babymoon either. Mostly sad and frustrated and lots of times hopeless that it will get better.
Being in the trailer, husband is not getting any sleep either and I am short changing the baby in every way so as to not disturb daddy. He says it's okay, do what I need to do, but there's also these "joke' comments - I know he resents this and needs sleep (he works heavy constuction on big civil jobs) and he's not much of a baby person anyways (does great once they're a little bigger - best daddy ever, then) but I just end up feeling at odds with him instead of like partners. When our dd was born, we were at home and I had a bedroom and bathroom to myself where she and I stayed the first 8 weeks until we got bf figured out(she was a NICU preemie) and I had my mom and teenager taking care of literally every single other thing. All I did was deal with her. And of course now big sister is taking this opportunity to test out her terrible-2 skills and I have no ability or patience to train her or deal with it all.
Gotta go. He's crying. I am not usually as psycho as I sound here. But today I guess I am.
Looking for suggestions, support, not involving meds or quitting bf. If I can get through this, everything will be fine. Just gotta get trhough it but don't see any light at the end of the tunnel.
I didn't pump anywhere near enough when the supplementing started. Baby had breastmilk jaundice (didn't go away with bili lights, even hospital ones, went away immediately with 2 days of formula - talk about making me feel defective), I was totally freaking exhausted between him and 1-yr-old and was only pumping like 2ce a day. And yes, I know that's absurd on my part to think that's going to work. Now of course, he's ready to bf again, and I have less than 1/2 the supply he's needing, and now I do have to pump every freaking 3 hours. We were getting a little sleep at night because he's a good sleeper and I let him and I didn't pump. Yet again, feeling like a horrible mother, putting my needs over his. More reasons why I feel like I can't talk to the mw's - I can't even claim ignorance on this stuff.
I can't imagine how I did two little ones all by myself before (my big boys are 19 and 20 now). I can't function AT ALL with these two, and my little girl is pretty decently behaved. Trying to take the 2 of them anywhere is a logistical mountain that I cannot seem to climb. Yes, I'm old now, and fat, and apparently incapable of anything. We are on the road with husband's work, so we are living in a 26 ft. travel trailer. Of course that makes everything feel a hundred times worse and harder.
I did have my placenta encapsulated this time - I had some issues during my 3rd trimester that made me think I might be at risk for PPD this time. Taking 1 per day - gonna up that to 3 per day. Haven't been taking other vitamins - another guilt trip. Been eating like crap - feel powerless to do anything more than grab granola bars out of the cupboard.
I feel very alone. Very disconnected from everyone - now even my husband, which is just so unfathomable for us. I love this little baby, but I am spending so little (like NONE) time getting to know him and just hanging with him that he's more like a little visitor than my baby. No thoughts of hurting him or myself. Totally stressed over needing to meet everyone else's needs (including myself) and feel like he's getting the shaft - that's probably the crux of it all right there. Most days are flatline - happy to get through it. Not depressed, but not elated and "in love" babymoon either. Mostly sad and frustrated and lots of times hopeless that it will get better.
Being in the trailer, husband is not getting any sleep either and I am short changing the baby in every way so as to not disturb daddy. He says it's okay, do what I need to do, but there's also these "joke' comments - I know he resents this and needs sleep (he works heavy constuction on big civil jobs) and he's not much of a baby person anyways (does great once they're a little bigger - best daddy ever, then) but I just end up feeling at odds with him instead of like partners. When our dd was born, we were at home and I had a bedroom and bathroom to myself where she and I stayed the first 8 weeks until we got bf figured out(she was a NICU preemie) and I had my mom and teenager taking care of literally every single other thing. All I did was deal with her. And of course now big sister is taking this opportunity to test out her terrible-2 skills and I have no ability or patience to train her or deal with it all.
Gotta go. He's crying. I am not usually as psycho as I sound here. But today I guess I am.
Looking for suggestions, support, not involving meds or quitting bf. If I can get through this, everything will be fine. Just gotta get trhough it but don't see any light at the end of the tunnel.
