I really want DH to get the V

[Ianthe]

Before we had both of our kids, DH agreed that he'd get the V after we had two. I am done. I can't do hormones and I have panic attacks thinking about ever being pregnant/giving birth again. I LOVE my babies, but it is miserable for me to get them here.

DH is having second thoughts about the V, and I don't want to force him into it, but I really need him to get it done. I don't want to have anymore kids, and I want to have an active, healthy sex life, but I am afraid that every time we have sex it will result in pregnancy (both of our kids were accidental, although very welcomed).

What can I do to convince him this is the best thing for us...? Anyone BTDT? I don't want to "force" it, like I said. But I really need to it to happen ASAP!

[MJB]

It's his body, and you can't make him get the V. What about trying the Paragard IUD? It has no hormones and can stay in place for 10 years. I had one between my second (now 4) and my current pregnancy. My husband is supposedly getting a vasectomy now (dragging his feet, too) but if he didn't, I'd consider another IUD or tubal ligation.
What are his reasons for not getting it? Does he want more kids or is he just chicken?

[MaryLang]

Ditto...it's HIS body.

[Drummer's Wife]

I don't know if I would bug him about it. My DH would never get a V - that I am sure of. We have four kids, and even if we had four more he would still say no to the procedure.

What about getting your tubes tied? I know it's more invasive than a vasectomy, and comes with possible side-effects/risks... But then permanent BC wouldn't have to be up to your DH.

I know your DH said he would get it done earlier on in your relationship, but people change their minds. I might have mentioned and considered gettiing a tubal at one point (I've had 4 c-sections, so it would have been convenient) but at this point I would never do it - and if my DH were buggin me or pressuring me about it, I would not be happy (and I still wouldn't consent). So, I say leave him alone about it, and find another method.

[DaddyM]

As a guy, I wouldn't want to be pressured to do the V. I second the copper IUD idea. No hormones, regular cycle, no barrier, and no thinking.

My wife had one after Paige was born and it was great.

[Sarah W]

Why is he having second thoughts? Is he not done having kids? Does he think he may want more? Is he worried about the pain?

If you are both sure you are done, it does make more sense for him to get a V than for you to get a tubal...a tubal is so invasive that I'm not really sure you can even compare the two procedures. However, you could do a non hormonal IUD while he makes his decision.

You could also look into FAM.

[RedOakMomma]

Yeah....I conceived twins on the paraguard copper IUD. And I know several women who also had bc failures while on it. Mine had just been checked a month before conception by a GYN, was only 2 years old... piece of crap.

I would talk with him, in depth and possibly in therapy, about getting a V. A tubal has a much higher failure rate, plus you should do some reading about the possible complications and tubal syndromes (sounds like it can make life a real mess).

Another option would be to put birth control in your hands for a few years, or as long as your dh feels he needs to maintain his fertility. Is he worried about losing one of your children? Divorce? Death? I'd find out what his concerns are, then see if you can work with him toward finding an eventual time/date he'd be okay with a vasectomy.

[Prairiemother]

Just a sympathy hug for the OP here - yes, it is his body, but then you have one, too, which would be impacted by another pregnancy (and which has already done double duty). That said, I have done triple duty and my unwilling dh has yet to go for the operation. I have not been able to make him see my perspective.

[Ianthe]

Obviously I know that I can't make him do anything.. I don't want to "make" him get the V.. But I do want him to know it's really important for our family. Since he originally agreed to it, and even threatened to get one before we ever had kids if I didn't quit cigarettes.

He is afraid of complications.

ETA: I tried FAM, and I conceived our second child that way (I ovulated a week and a half early, the day after DTD... while we were suppose to be "safe"). I don't want to get surgery and I've never had a cs. I carried both of our children and birthed them naturally and BF'd them both (still BFing both!).. darnit! I've done my share!

[Ianthe]

Originally Posted by RedOakMomma

Yeah....I conceived twins on the paraguard copper IUD. And I know several women who also had bc failures while on it. Mine had just been checked a month before conception by a GYN, was only 2 years old... piece of crap.

I've only heard negative things about the copper IUD too.. it's my understanding that because it is non-hormonal it actually causes miscarriages instead.. is that right? If that is the case, that's not something I am comfortable with.

[Prairiemother]

It's always hard when they hear of complications. My dh has a good friend who told him how much he went through when he had a vasectomy (it was atypical) but, frankly, it wasn't nearly as much as I went through with three pregnancies and with the recovery from each. Sometimes men make me laugh

I guess I'm following this thread because our situation is similar to yours.

[Ianthe]

Originally Posted by Drummer's Wife

I don't know if I would bug him about it. My DH would never get a V - that I am sure of. We have four kids, and even if we had four more he would still say no to the procedure.

What about getting your tubes tied? I know it's more invasive than a vasectomy, and comes with possible side-effects/risks... But then permanent BC wouldn't have to be up to your DH.

I know your DH said he would get it done earlier on in your relationship, but people change their minds. I might have mentioned and considered gettiing a tubal at one point (I've had 4 c-sections, so it would have been convenient) but at this point I would never do it - and if my DH were buggin me or pressuring me about it, I would not be happy (and I still wouldn't consent). So, I say leave him alone about it, and find another method.

Originally Posted by DaddyM

As a guy, I wouldn't want to be pressured to do the V. I second the copper IUD idea. No hormones, regular cycle, no barrier, and no thinking.

I'm really trying not to pressure him. I just want him to see my perspective.. he is clouded with fear of complications from the procedure.

That said.. it really impacts our sex life. I don't want to have sex at all because all I can think about is fear of getting pregnant again. I have a panic attack when I think about ever getting pregnant again. I would really like to have a non-complicated care free sex life, YKWIM?

[broodymama]

We're in a similar situation too, DH was going to get a V in 2006 after DD1 was born. He couldn't due to timing (he's in the military), and DD2 was conceived on the pill. After she was born he went and got the counseling and referral for the V, then scheduled the appointment. He then had to cancel the appointment because his command "couldn't afford" to have him on limited duty for a week, then he was gone again, now #4 is on the way due to NFP sloppiness.

I have no idea what we're going to do for birth control after this baby is born, I'm leaning toward abstinence. I don't tolerate hormonal birth control well, apparently there's too much confusion about the "avoiding" part of CTA, I've had a Paraguard IUD before and don't want to have to deal with that again. I've been responsible for birth control for 20 years now. I thought about putting it in his hands and having him take responsibility for it, but I'm afraid that will just result in #5 on the way.

So, no advice from me, just commiseration.

[*MamaJen*]

I've had a really good experience with the paraguard. Some women have bad bleeding/cramps, others don't. I had really bad side effects with hormonal BC, so I'm really happy with it. It has a failure rate of 0.8 percent, versus 0.5 percent for tubal ligation and 0.2 percent for vasectomy. Nothing is surefire short of a total hysterectomy -- my friend's husband had a vasectomy that failed, and they got pregnant.
I agree that it has to be his choice if he wants to get a vasectomy, and it would be wrong to having pressuring conversations with him. It's just such a big deal.
It does suck, though. I always get mad when I think that every form of birth control out there has some pretty serious flaws.

This is how the paraguard works:
"The ParaGard IUD helps to prevent sperm from joining with an egg by interfering with the movement of the sperm toward the egg. It is also believed that the ParaGard IUD causes changes in the lining of the uterus to reduce the likelihood of implantation."
I've heard that there is a theoretical chance that the paraguard could cause a miscarriage, but that's not how it works and it would be a rare side effect.