I am trying to get myself into a better place! Need to make phone calls for my boys!

[Tummy]

I have been in such a horrible place for nearly 2 years, 2 years in July. I have self destructed in many way. I attempted to drink myself stupid. I am blessed to be able to say that I have been completely sober since shortly after the new year began!!! (with the exception of my prescribed RX's for XXX medical conditions)

I have been trying to hold myself together for my family that is in my home. It is harder than ever to 'be mommy and wife' when half of your heart is GONE, completely shattered and missing.

I have received some promising news about my boys. I have to make a few phone calls, out of state. My stomach is eating itself right now. My ulcer is killing me! I am getting closer to finding my boys.

I just re-read (had to read them out loud to someone) my court papers that state

Court has jurisdiction of the subject matter (ie; custody, even stating my DC names DOB), The former wife's petition now before the court alleges that, shortly after court denied the former husband's motion for child pick up ordered on July 1, 2008, he absconded with the children outside the State of Florida and has since secreted them from the former wife. "PRIOR TO THE FORMER HUSBAND'S WRONGFUL REMOVAL OF THE CHILDREN, FLORIDA WAS THE CHILDREN'S HOME STATE UNDER THE UNIFORM CHILD CUSTODY JURISDICTION AND ENFORCEMENT ACT."

The above is the last court order that I have. I have not been able to obtain an address for my X so I can have him 'served in person' in order to get my boys back.

UGH, just writing this, thinking about this, needing to do this is making me truly sick to my stomach. My eyes are burning with tears, I can feel the lump in my throat growing-making it hard to breathe, never mind freaking swallowing. I am shaking, my chest is tight, my palms are so sweaty that the keyboard is wet.

I am so tired of feeling like I am broken! I am tired of feeling incomplete EVERY F**KING DAY! I need my babies and G*Ds know THEY NEED ME!

I am scared, I am freaking terrified. No one in my life can come anywhere close to ever knowing how I feel. Hell, I often hear/am told/asked if I even care about finding my boys. 'Others' feel that I have not done ENOUGH to find them, that I do not care. WTF!


Whew, I need to meditate. Need to find my happy place, however, my happy place no longer exsists! I have not seen/been in my happy place for so long! I have no clue what a happy place is!

Oh, I made my apt today for the day spa. I DO NOT want to go! I want nothing to do with being freaking pampered for an entire day. JB bought me this last year from Mother's day and I HAVE TO use the G.C. by the 7th of May. He spent a LOOOOT of $ for this... but I do not want to do it. I want nothing to do with others pampering me, making me feel good.
*Damn it I am full on bawling now*
I am so great at holding it all in, hiding what my feelings are. Typing all of this out is good for me, right? Being able to let it out and, well now, sobbing-trying to catch my breath- is good for me, right?
I cannot say any more!

[Kuba'sMama]

Couldn't read and not respond. I wish you strength to get through this ordeal. Don't give up, it will be hard, but if you want it bad enough you'll make it through.
All the best.

[Ornery]

I can't even imagine.

[kereplussome]

I am glad you wrote. It is good to write things out and to try to verbalize what is inside. It sounds so rotten for you, but I pray that you will be able find that happy place. Please go to the spa. It is really hard to get out when you are depressed, but just allow yourself to fall asleep getting a massage if nothing else. When I was depressed, I found myself bawling while having a massage someone had purchased me. Probably weird for the masseuse, but somehow healing for me I pray God's peace and joy breaks through. Life is extremely difficult but keep on keeping on. You'll get through!

[Tummy]

I was in tears just making the spa appointment!


I did make my phone call(s)! It was very good! I believe I got somewhere with it. I will find out for sure the first of next week, I am very hopeful!

thank you girls for the replies! I need the support in the worst way. It sucks when you start a thread that is important to "you" and see that it has been viewed a hundred times with no replies, that always sucks, lol, however I also am guilty of such. erh!

[allgirls]

I believe this with all my heart....you will have your children back.

But your children need you whole..you need to take charge and be strong and positive..you need to heal yourself...you deserve it and your children deserve it. You have been through hell and are still halfway there but I think you'll find your way back faster if you care for your boy's mommy!

It's the very best thing you can do your yourself and even more importantly it's the best you can do for those kids.

[daisymama12]

I am sending you all sorts of strength and support. Have you thought of getting a counsellor/therapist to help you work through your feelings? I can't imagine a situation that would warrant it more. Lots of hugs to you.

[chaoticzenmom]

I'm so sorry I can't even imagine the pain. I hope you find them and get them home safely.

[LROM]

My advice to you is SMALL STEPS!!! ONE THING AT A TIME!!!

When times are this bad it is SO easy to get so totally overwhelmed you get paralyzed. Sometimes you just can't look at the whole picture all at once, you have to break it down and figure out the most important parts, break those parts down, and proceed one step at a time, one hour at a time. One day at a time.

Then when you're reflecting, look just at the things you accomplished, and celebrate those! It'll make contiuing down your long lists of priorities and next steps a lot more manageable.

And please do ask for help - whether here, a therapist, wherever you need to go - when you feel paralysis setting in ask for help. Like a PP said, your kids need you but they need you feeling whole and capable. You're capacble of feeling that way, and you ARE whole already, you just don't feel it right now.

Gotta find your fabulous wholeness - it's already there and you already have what you need to handle this. YOU just have to believe it and use it.

Best of luck!

[thixle]

Don't try to hold it all in. Everyone needs a relief valve.

[Kivgaen]

I'm so sorry you are going through this...

I started to compose a lengthy post, to try to help you to feel better. But honestly, I didn't know what to say and I deleted the whole thing and am now trying a second time, because I know you put yourself out there and need the support. I can't imagine the pain that you struggle with on a daily basis...

I agree with what previous posters said. I think you should go to the spa day. I sense that you feel that it is somewhat of a betrayal to your boys for you to feel good and comfortable, when their state of being is completely unknown to you. You don't know if they are happy, you don't know if they are healthy, you don't know if they are being cared for appropriately.

But none of that is relevant to you being good to yourself. I agree with others -- the time to yourself might even be meditative and therapeutic for you and help you to gain a modicum of control over your emotions and allow you to see the good that's in your life RIGHT NOW. Try not to think of it as a betrayal, or that you've given up. You haven't given up. You're just trying to make the best out of the hand that you have been dealt and you're trying to see the good and positive that is here and now.

ETA: I'm in tears just thinking about your situation... I'm so sorry. Its probably a ridiculous thing for you to hear, but PLEASE try to be good to yourself, no matter how hard it is. It's SO important for us to be good to ourselves.