You're lucky.....How do I respond? - Page 2

[Black Orchid]

Sheesh, just say thanks and move on.

I did all that you listed and more and my daughter was miserable for the first year of her life. DH and I were pretty miserable, too. And did/do think it is lucky that other parents get to actually enjoy being with their babies and not have to contantly deal with one that cries and screams and has colic.

So yes, people who have seemingly easy babies have to work, too, but they're also just lucky to not have one of the 20% of babies who have colic.

[LadyCatherine185]

Say "thank you" and realize that you are very lucky. Like some of the PP's, I also did EVERYTHING AP (breastfeeding/cosleeping/babywearing) and devoted all of my time and energy to try to keep Liam happy.. and he was NOT happy most of the time as a baby. Once he started walking though, that changed and he is now a happy toddler.

That said-- I am very lucky as well, even though Liam was extremely highneeds/fussy, etc as a baby, he was very healthy, and I have a child. I know so many people who can't have children and I have a beautiful, smart, funny, sweet boy. Yes, the first year was hell.. (I can't believe I am about to do it all again in 6 months!) and I almost lost my sanity, but I am so lucky to have my baby, and I couldn't imagine my life without him.

[NiteNicole]

If you have a baby you can keep happy, you are lucky

As the mother of the world's most miserable cranky baby, nothing nothing nothing made her happy. She cried, she threw up, she didn't want to be put down and she hated to be held. She slept ON ME for the first six months of her life and even then only in teeny little 40 minute stretches. I wore her, I didn't wear her, I fed on demand, I gave meds, I walked and bounced and danced and sang and patted and cried a lot myself. At the end of the day, my arms and shoulders were sore from "managing" her all day. And that's what it felt like - I spent my day managing her from one crisis and misery to the next.

It doesn't take anything away from you to acknowledge that yes, some babies are easier than others and it is luck of the draw.

I am now lucky because she was a very easy toddler and now little kid It's nothing I did, she just outgrew her misery and I've been super lucky in that she skipped a lot of the difficult toddler/little kid things. She never hit, she wasn't a biter, she listens pretty well. She finally sleeps. She's friendly, likes to talk to people, has never had separation anxiety. She's respectful and articulate and a good traveler. She's not picky about food and sleeps well. I didn't do anything to make any of that happen, it just did. I got lucky.

I adore my daughter and I'd like to take credit for how she's turning out, but it's just her personality and she came with it.

[crunchy_mommy]

Well here's the thing... I think you ARE lucky. Sure you have worked hard to make him happy but there are many of us (ahem... ME!!) who have done all the things you do & more and we still do not have happy, content babies.

Some babies are born calm & content, and you can work hard or not & they will still be that way.
Some are born 'high needs' but with a lot of hard work you can help them to be calm & happy. Some even just grow out of it without all the hard work.
Some are born high-needs and no matter what you do, they will continue to be high-needs.

You are a good mom. You are also fortunate enough to have a 'good' baby. I like to think DH & I are good parents, but we just simply don't have a 'good' baby (though I hate to use good/bad for babies, but you know what I mean!) When I read things like this I feel embarrassed, and I feel that others must look at my DS and think I'm a horrible mother. I often think myself that I'm a horrible mother, but I know in my heart I am doing everything I can for him.

So say 'yes, thank you', 'it's hard work but it's paid off', or whatever... and feel thankful that you have a wonderful little baby. I feel thankful when I hear of/see a baby with severe medical problems etc. I am thankful my baby is healthy & though I like to think it's in part because of the super-healthy way I've raised him so far, I also know I AM LUCKY.

[Asiago]

(removing all of the gobbety gook, no one needs to hear me venting!)

Still, to this day, as a first time mom I really have no idea if he was truly colicky or high needs or just the showing his individuality (!). Either way, I suppose it gave me new skills, made me work hard and made me a better person for the experience.

Uggh, long story short. Thank you all, I am truly fortunate as he is really healthy and I appreciate that he is so pleasant to be around and yes I am lucky no matter what. I think things were just piling up lately and my orginal message was probably more so a vent so thank you for listening.

[Perdita_in_Ontario]

Originally Posted by Heidi74

For example, we are always getting comments about how lucky we are that our kids are such great eaters and are willing to try just about any food under the sun. Now, yes, part of it is probably individual (I'm sure BLW graduates who are picky eaters do exist)...

Yes, yes they do...

[chaoticzenmom]

You are lucky. Not to be rude, but your attitude about it bothers me. I have 4 easy children. I'm lucky. I have friends who are great parents and aren't "lucky." They have difficult times and try hard to be great parents. THEY are the ones working hard every day. The most loving mother I know has such a hard time loving her child because he's just that difficult. She works so hard with him and always has. I would never look at her and think "well, if you did everything perfect like I do, then you'd have an easy baby too." Would be nice if it were that simple. I'm far from a perfect parent, but I have 4 easy, neurotypical, healthy children. Some things I have done have helped my children be easy, I'm sure, but to think it's all because of my awesomeness as a mom? Not a chance.

Take it as a compliment and beware of that arrogance because it may slap you in the face with your next baby. I'd just smile and say "thanks." You have no idea what brought on the compliment.

[chaoticzenmom]

On the other hand....reading your 2nd post, it seems like you're really working hard and want more acknowledgment than "wow, you're lucky." It's like them using the word "luck" negates all your hard work. I get that.

I didn't change my first post because you need to hear that some people work hard, as hard as you do, and never see it pay off. I'm sorry you feel like people don't realize how much you're putting into it.

[scottishmommy]

I used to get that a lot too. My dd was so easy when she was a little baby. She was really good at communicating her needs. I never had any trouble knowing how to soothe her. Now if I hadn't breastfed on demand or co-slept I don't think she would have been so easy. She wants what she wants when she wants it!
When she started walking, however, the "your so lucky" comments went away, LOL. NOBODY tells me I'm lucky anymore because my dd's energy level is off. the. charts. People usually give me sympathetic looks and gaze in wonder at my little bottle rocket.
My best advice for new moms is to ignore comments about their children. People just run their mouths. We all do it!

[texmati]

Originally Posted by crunchy_mommy

Well here's the thing... I think you ARE lucky. Sure you have worked hard to make him happy but there are many of us (ahem... ME!!) who have done all the things you do & more and we still do not have happy, content babies.

Some babies are born calm & content, and you can work hard or not & they will still be that way.
Some are born 'high needs' but with a lot of hard work you can help them to be calm & happy. Some even just grow out of it without all the hard work.
Some are born high-needs and no matter what you do, they will continue to be high-needs.

You are a good mom. You are also fortunate enough to have a 'good' baby. I like to think DH & I are good parents, but we just simply don't have a 'good' baby (though I hate to use good/bad for babies, but you know what I mean!) When I read things like this I feel embarrassed, and I feel that others must look at my DS and think I'm a horrible mother. I often think myself that I'm a horrible mother, but I know in my heart I am doing everything I can for him.

So say 'yes, thank you', 'it's hard work but it's paid off', or whatever... and feel thankful that you have a wonderful little baby. I feel thankful when I hear of/see a baby with severe medical problems etc. I am thankful my baby is healthy & though I like to think it's in part because of the super-healthy way I've raised him so far, I also know I AM LUCKY.

Yes, I have also been close to tears because my baby is just unhappy most of the time! I feel like I do everything he wants (except let him watch tv!)

I have friend who does CIO, weaned early, 'trains' their child, does everything short of spanking. Their babe is an absolute angel, bearly makes a peep.

[Asiago]

Thank you so much chaoticzenmom. I really appreciate that (and your original post too.) It helps me and gives me more insight.

[crunchy_mommy]

OK I read the whole post that you removed (you should have left it, it clarifies a lot & even if no one 'needs' to hear you venting, it feels so good to vent, doesn't it?)

I don't know whether he was high-needs or not, since I don't know him, but he does sound like a pretty demanding little kid! I'm glad he outgrew it or you got in sync with him or whatever combination of that happened. He sounds a lot like my DS, only difference is that mine still is in that stage 14 mos later. I mean we're doing 'better' but he's still so much more intense than other babies. Anyway. I won't vent on your thread.

But I totally get what you were trying to say now. When everyone tries to tell you you're doing things wrong, why are you feeding him so much, why don't you put him down, etc., and then they turn around and say wow you're so lucky he's so happy, that must feel like a slap in the face! You've obviously worked very hard to get in tune with him & he's happy because of everything you're doing, so don't let people's comments get to you.

[Catubodua]

Originally Posted by akind1

Granted the other half of people say, what, he's not STTN? need to give him some solids. I just and say he sleeps well enough for me!

I'm so with you on this. i can't believe how many times i'm told to give him rice cereal to make him sleep. as if a 10 week old who wakes up once a night is so unusual.

as for the lucky comments comments i always just say thanks. it's similar to the comments i get about how "lucky" i am to have such a well behaved dog. um, no, i spend time working with her each week and have done so for years. it's not "luck" it shows the hard work i've put in.

[Norasmomma]

I have to say if you have a happy baby, regardless of how hard you AP, do consider yourself lucky. Both of my children have been fairly easy babies, but I've seen the flip side and believe me, yeah you are lucky. I watched my SIL have the most colicky child I have ever seen, my niece cried for the first 6 months of her life, I don't mean just crying I mean screaming, wailing fits all. day. long. all. night. long......she just was completely and totally miserable. They would run the vacuum much of the day to drown out her screaming at times so they could have sanity. I bet if you asked them, they say they were pretty unlucky at times when she was a babe. FWIW-she turned out to be a wonderful little girl, and now as an older child is an amazing helper with her brothers, she just didn't like being a baby much.

I don't feel like the term lucky negates anything you do. I am extremely fortunate, my son has STTN since he was pretty much born, his 3.5y/o sister still wakes 1-2xs a night. She was easy, but she was wired, and in some ways easier than him and some ways harder. We could put her down, with him you cannot, unless you want a screaming fit. People see him as a smiley happy little guy and tell me I am lucky, I just go with it, but to feel insulted in some way just seems silly to me.

[Asiago]

I am not a very good verbal communicator, I think I communicate better physically. I really did not explain things very well in my original post, and feel like an arse now I am at total fault.
Thank you so much to those who read that super long (dreadfully long ) post before I removed it (plus thanks for all of the kind words, they mean a lot).

[TzippityDoulah]

honestly maybe it's just jealousy and maybe there isn't something perfect to say back. people's comments to us often reflect their own feelings about themselves. I've yet to have an "easy going" baby. Mine were all difficult (reflux, sensory issues, terrible sleepers...) and I must admit, my extremely tired self envies those with easy going babies who sleep well. I have found myself saying "You are so lucky" to people as alsmost a defense from getting the common UNWELCOME comment from my friends "well the reason bmy baby is so happy is becase we always XYZ" as if I didn't work my butt off to raise a happy baby. If i say it first they often wont go there... as bad as that sounds. and i'm not above advice - I just get sick of people who actually think their babies were perfect b/c they homebirthing/breastfed/co-sleep/babywear or some other obvious thing.

I find if I mention people are lucky for having such happy babies first they are less likely to give me a earful of ridiculous ideas about what good parents they are. It hurts when I feel judged like that so I kinda build a wall around it.

point being - a happy baby doesn't always have much to do with how she is raised. There is much more at play than that. some high needs babies are born into the gentlest and most patient and understanding of parents, while some ultra easy going babies are born into families that ship them off the daycares at 6 weeks and formula feed them from birth and vaccinate on schedule and so on and so forth etc etc etc... who knows why.

that said, I will rethink when I say that. it's like when you're struggling with your weight and you say to a skinny person that they are so lucky. and for all I know that skinny person could have worked their butts off to be skinny! you just never know. it's just a comment that reflects you're own insecurities.

maybe you could say "he is a blessing". or even "he wasn't so easy as a newborn but I am blessed by his easy going nature now" or just "thank you" and leave it at that. or if opportunity knocks tell them straight out the trials you've had to help him become happy.

[Pookietooth]

I like to say "all babies are good babies" but I don't always have the nerve. :P

[Mamabeakley]

This won't work for you, OP, but what I say is, "yes, and I KNOW how lucky I am because DS1 was NOT an easy baby!" Which is true. He was wonderful (and is) and could be happy (if we did exactly what he wanted when he wanted it) but he was NOT easy! No significant difference in parenting style . . . hugely different kids. DS2 is somewhere in the middle.

[FreeRangeMama]

My first screamed for 14 hours at a time and never slept more than 5 hours a day (and not all at once). When he got "better" he only screamed for 4-6 hours at a time and still only slept 5 hours a day (and still not all at once). (side note-at 9 he STILL screams 3 hours a day and hardly sleeps, so they don't all grow out of it ).

The comment I always got was, "boy, you sure have your hands full". Honestly though, I would have loved to hear how lucky I was. I AM lucky. Every day I feel lucky that this little.....or not so little anymore.....person entered our lives. He may be the definition of difficult sometimes, but we are so very grateful that he is ours

My dd1 sounds like your ds. She was a happy baby as long as I did everything she needed about 5 seconds before she needed it. She certainly didn't sleep well unless she nursed non-stop all night (and not always then either). I had to wear her constantly. If I met all the requirements she was so sweet and smiley. People often commented on how 'easy' she was. But by that time I had 2 closely spaced olders so I still only ever got the "hands full" comment

I have learned to just not read too much into anything people say. Just smile and nod and mutter under your breath after they walk away if you feel you need to. It isn't worth worrying about as they are probably just making conversation.