Leaving LO with caregiver as he is crawling after me crying... how do I do it in an AP sort of way?

[GreenGranolaMama]

I've been a SAHM with 12mo DS. Up until this point, my Mom and MIL have been the only ones to ever watch DS, and even then it hasn't been for more than an hour or two. He doesn't cry when we leave him with my Mom and MIL, but they have been huge parts of his life since birth. He does have stranger anxiety and sticks pretty close to me pretty much at all times.

So I've gotten a part time job teaching a couple of fitness classes/ personal training at the Y. There is onsite childcare that I will be leaving DS with for the hour and a half that I am teaching twice a week (but it might end up being 3 times a week if I want to work out/ or do some personal training as well.)

So today was day one and here is how it went down-

We got to childcare and I sat down with DS on the floor and played with him for a moment with the childcare provider. I said goodbye, kissed him and went to leave. I got to the door and he was crawling after me, sobbing. So I went back, nursed him for a moment, showed him his toys again, and got him his snack cup and water. I went to leave again and he did the same thing. This time I left for real and could hear him sobbing as I walked to the locker room. It breaks my heart!

After I got changed up, I went back and peeked in the window (he didn't see me) he had stopped crying but the caregiver held him the entire time.

I felt so bad leaving him like that! Will it get better? Should I still leave if he is sobbing and following me? I really don't want to 'sneak out' as I feel like it is better to start acknowledging the fact that I am leaving.

Advice?

[freestylemama]

That's so hard. I've totally been there. The good news is that as he gets used to his caregivers and starts having fun this will stop. It took my DD a little less than 2 weeks. She was a little older (18 mo) than your guy when she started part time care and her teachers found things that she liked and immediately engaged her at drop off. For her, it was washing her hands. She loves to wash her hands so they would say hi to her and then ask if she wanted to wash up. It worked really well. Maybe there's something like that they can do to engage him?

It really will get better. Sometimes I can't get my LO to say goodbye at drop offs b/c she's so excited to be there.

[CourtBChase]

I don't have an answer for how to do this in an "AP" way, but as a former daycare teacher I can tell you this is so, so normal with Toddlers and older infants. Almost always, the kids calm down and are Ok within a minute or two of the parents leaving. In my experience, it is definitely easiest for everyone if you have some sort of goodbye routine, like get him settled with a toy, give a hug, say goodbye and then leave rather than coming back repeatedly to resettle him when he gets upset. Of course you should do whatever feels right for your child and your particular situation!

[mambera]

It may be a little late for this as you've already started your job, but our system was to acquaint the child with the caregiver slowly.

I WOH two days a week and we have a nanny for those days. For some weeks before she started she would come and spend time with me and DD as we went through our daily routine. I would hang back and let the nanny do a lot of the hands-on care. This way when I left DD was already pretty familiar with the nanny.

We're going to do the same when she starts day care in a few months. I'll go with her and stay there a few hours a day for a couple of weeks. Then I'll start leaving for short periods of time. I'm planning about a month of this before I have to start FT WOH.

Also I think it is helpful to explain to the child what is going on. Our DD only has a few words (she is 10 mo) but she follows commands so I know she understands a lot of what we say. Eg you could say that you are going to be gone for a short time and you are coming back after lunch (or whatever).

[GuildJenn]

I think some of it is in your attitude too. You don't want to give the impression this is a Horrible Leaving Forever. The baby will take your cues a bit. Also, it's okay to be upset at 1 yr old for a little bit, as long as there are loving arms to soothe (the caregiver). If you can project that it may get smoother faster.

What I think I would do is not go back and nurse; I would pick my child up and says, "I'm sorry you're sad. But you will be just fine with <caregiver> and mummy will be back at <time/event/after nap>. I love you." Then hand the baby to the caregiver and go.

[~pi]

The biggest mistake we made when DS started child care at a year was trying to be as "gentle" as possible with the transition.

I put gentle in quotes because having been through a few more transitions since, I now realize how much harder we made on him by doing it that way. He was a sensitive baby who wasn't fond of change, and we tried to make it as easy as possible, but in doing so, just drew it out longer and more painfully than it needed to be.

Of course you know your child best, but FWIW, I am now confident that it's better overall to be cheerful, matter-of-fact and reasonably quick. You don't have to rush out, but a simple, "You're going to stay with so-and-so for a little bit now. Mama will be back after your snack. I love you." I would also make sure that you hand him directly to the caregiver so that he is in arms.

Good luck. It's hard, but it will get better as he understands that you always come back when you say you will.

[blessedwithboys]

well i guess i am the lone voice of dissent here bc what worked for me was totally different. i never WOH when my kids were that age, but around 12 mos i started letting them go with their df for a few hrs. if i had tried to walk away, the S would've HTF. what worked for us was to have ex take ds away from me. is there someone who can meet you in the hall outside the childcare room and engage your LO with a toy and then get him to want to come into the room? my kids had a hard time watching me leave, but if THEY left ME there was no trauma at all whatsoever.

[madskye]

Ask the caregiver to hold your child as you are leaving, and take some time to distract them, show them new toys, look out the window, etc--take the focus off your leaving. Yes, they'll still cry but as you saw, it will be over shortly and you'll probably all feel better if they can minimize the drama!

It will get easier, especially if your child find something/someone at the daycare that they enjoy.

[JHopesMomma]

When my DD transitioned to the next age group at her daycare (she'd be in the same room, with the same caregivers from 6wks-12 mo), she would scream every day that I dropped her off. It was really hard, but I would always kiss her goodbye, tell her I love her, and have the same caregiver hold her as I left. Distraction always helped to calm her down too (look out the window, wash hands, sit down with other kids). It is so difficult to walk away, but I think having a long drawn out goodbye doesn't help. It took about 2 weeks until she was actually happy to be there. Now when I say goodbye she either blows kisses and smiles, or is too busy playing to notice I'm leaving! I'm not sure how in line with AP my approach is, but for us it seems the most loving way to deal with separation. Lots of hugs, cuddles, and nursing always seems to help make up for those partings .