Deciding to have another baby....

[UrbanSimplicity]

How does one go about this? Have you been on the fence and had to choose?

We have 2 dds and for so many reasons, that is enough for us. Dh does not want more children, mostly I think because he (correctly) feels like our resources - time, money, energy, are already stretched thin. We live in nyc and have an amazing parenting and homeschool community here - but we do not have friends or extended family and have no outside help except a sitter for 5 hours a week (at $20/ hour). At the end of the day I am frazzled. Exhausted. I get stressed. In a way, that's just how I am, I am always striving to be calmer and stronger, but it's a work in progress. Dh and I have been on the verge of divorce more than once. But things in that regard have improved.

Sometimes I feel like I have just the perfect family, I love being with my 2 girls who are just 2 years apart. But, the longing for another......being a mom, and attachment parenting in particular, have brought me some of the greatest joys and proudest moments of my life. I have a connection with my daughters unlike any other relationship I have known, SO MUCH LOVE. It makes me want more. When I think about the future, I also hope my children will be a big part of my life as adults, and (hopefully) will care for me in my late years.

We would need to leave the city. I desperately want to leave, dh does not though has resigned himself that this is both likely and necessary. I want to be pregnant soon, I know, I know, I could wait. I am "only" 34......but I love seeing my girls so close in age and interest. If I were brutally honest, I want another girl.....

OK, I've rambled on and bared my soul. If anyone is still reading, I'd love to hear thoughts.

[carfreemama]

I have no idea how you choose. I never thought I could be so conflicted about a decision. I am 42 with an only...a 6 year old daughter and I feel exactly as you describe and about our relationship and all the love. I NEVER thought I would love mothering as much as I do. That took me by surprise and, quite frankly, everyone else who knew me. I wasn't exactly known as the maternal type. But dd came and my love for her was just unbelievable. And I like her. I really enjoy all the tacky birthday parties, the playdates, the preposterous little-kid humour. Dh doesn't want another child, but is willing to "do it for me." He loves dd, but he always wanted an only and was actually very honest about that. I thought that's what I wanted, too.

So now here we are, actively TTC when it might biologically be too late. Dh has all the same reasons for not wanting more kids as your dh. We are comfortable, but we have working-class jobs. They just so happen to be unionized and we are good at what we do. But the "replacement value" of those jobs, should anything happen to them, would most likely not afford us our current standard of living.

I don't know what to tell you. Maybe we have too much choice over when we reproduce (I don't really mean that); but it does make the decision harde, I think. I would be THRILLED if it "just happened" and even dh says he would be, too. Keep talking to your dh and try to stay on-side with each other. My goal in this is that dh and I both come out of this closer as a couple, that I stay healthy and not lose sight of the wonderful family I have now by worrying about "what if." It's hard though!

[floiejo2]

Wow. Are you me? I could have written your exact post. Really. That's exactly where we are right now and I'm really curious to hear what other people say cause we're just stuck in between right now. We say that we're done but both of us feel like we're really not...if that makes sense. For all sensible reasons we probably should be. I just feel as if our family is not quite complete yet, like there's one more person who's waiting to join us. I don't know if that would ever go away if we decide to just stick with our two girls. Our girls ask for a sibling on a daily basis. My oldest even says, "When we have another baby..." like it's just a given. Haha! And I understand the wanting to do it soon, my youngest is already going to be 3! I don't want a huge gap if we're going to do it. So yeah, no advice whatsoever here, just in the same exact boat.

[UrbanSimplicity]

well, at least you guys have your dh somewhat on board. I mean, I'm mostly afraid to bring it up, because it seems like the unspoken answer is "we'd be crazy to have another!".

I never ask the girls if they'd like another, in fact have even said I would not be having any more babies......but I know they would say "yes!" and would be thrilled if I were pg.

*sigh* i even have a name.....and feels like "she" may never be realized.

[carfreemama]

Don't give up hope! Remember, for us dd was a planned only and dh DID NOT change his mind. Even now, as we are trying for another, I know he is ambivalent and I check in on him frequently to try and make sure I'm taking care of him emotionally in this, too. I remind myself my family now is perfect, I'm just putting my desires out there. It's so very easy to become obsessed about this. I've seen it happen with friends many times, whether they have no children or several. Would you need to leave the city before having another child? I will say that really being willing to hear dh out made it easier for him to open up to the idea. The goal for me is for no-one to feel like they've "lost," even though we can't have half another child. That's what's so hard about this. You either do or you don't and somebody's not going to get what they want on a very big-ticket item. Navigating through this is hard. The only thing that's helping me is to remember that my ultimate goal is to become closer to my dh, no matter how this part of our story turns out. I know that when dh is stressed about anything else, he gets freaky about another kid, even if what he's stressed about has absolutely nothing to do with parenting/kids. So if he was contemplating a move he didn't want, no way would he consider another child. But once that settled down, even if it did mean moving, he might be more open again.

[pauletoy]

We have 4. After the 1st three were born I continued to feel like someone was missing. I could actually feel the presence of my children before they were born. I would see the 3 of them together and actually missed, like heartache missed my youngest. We would be riding in the car and I could feel his presence there too. Until he was born, I felt like a part of me was missing. (I know it sounds really wierd.) I am 100% certain that there is no one else out there waiting to be born into our family, however, the longing for more children never goes away. There is a big difference between knowing that someone is missing and just a longing or "baby fever". That's just my opinion and the way it has been for our family. It may not be the same for others.

I would be careful not to get you heart set on another baby before your dh is on board. It's hard I know. Now, that said, I believe if a little being is suppose to be in your family, they will find their way no matter how you try to prevent it.

I must sound like a complete wierdo.

[Peony]

I am in the exact same boat, almost. We have 3, and I could do a 4th, DH is not so keen on it. I could also live without a 4th, I think, it varies day to day. I really do go back and forth obviously! We can manage 3, send 3 to school do activities, and while our house would be tight as a family of 5 we would do it. Now add in a 4th and everything I just said goes out the window. We couldn't afford to send our children to this great little, crunchy school, there is no way I would live in this house with 4 kids.

I think I could be ok and go on with my 3 and then when I have a extra kid with me and I look in my rearview mirror and see 4 little heads in my car, it just feels so right.

DH is completely overwhelmed with 3 children, I'm not sure if I could talk him into a 4th, but before I even tried, I want to make sure that I am up for it. Which I am not sure about. DS is the baby and he turns 1 this weekend, if I am going to have another then my rule is that it needs to happen by the time he is 2-3 or else not at all. So about one more year to figure it out and convince DH if that is what I want. This is so hard! With the others I knew I HAD to have another child there was none of this back and forth, and after DS was born I HAD to have another, but then has time goes on and I realize just how hard DH has taken this last baby, I wonder if we really can make it work.

[UrbanSimplicity]

peony - i feel quite the same, except we re stretched thin at 2! dh also is overwhelmed, and like you I need to first be SURE that is what i want before giving my poor dh a heart attack!

but this mothering and homeschooling thing has become my life, and I feel like it is all going so fast. I think I have energy for 2 more intensive years, because really, after that it gets so much easier. But keeping 3 big kids happy is probably no small task either. Not to mention, my house organized the way I like it!