How do you find time exclusively for your well-being while hs/us'ing?

[PreggieUBA2C]

I am pg with dc5 and dp works shifts- night and days, 14 hrs a piece, 8-9 per 2 week period. We live rurally and our closest relative is 2200 kms away; we have nobody yet that we would leave our dc with, but a few who we would enjoy coming over to mind them while we're still on property.

My dc are young, so I know that things will change as they are more independent, but I don't see that as freeing up time for me to recharge since they also have sleep difficulties and are awake for long hours each day, meaning that no matter their independence, my home will be filled with chatter and noise and activity all day, everyday.

Dp and I have begun a renovation to convert a bedroom into a studio with a peek-a-boo window into the main rooms of the house. Our intention is to use that room every day for a set time while the children are engaged in their activities. My dc wake around 7-8am and are rarely asleep before 10pm (in bed at 8pm and we've been working on sleep for six years and this is as good as it gets, much improved, if you can believe it...) so there isn't any creative or productive time left at the end of a day for me and because I am pg and recovering from decades of chronic illness, waking earlier to work or rest is not feasible or wise for me at this time.

I am not expecting any 'alone' time in the near future with a new baby coming soon, but I am wondering how you make sure that you are all recharging and what do you do?

I have read thousands of times, I'm sure, about taking a few minutes here and there and how that rejuvenates many, many mamas, but that does absolutely nothing for me. It agitates me if anything. I need concentrated times of quiet, uninterrupted peaceful time for reflection, research, writing, composing music and making visual art.

I have not done this in nearly eight years with any consistency and it has taken its toll on me; I really do need this. I thought I could set it all aside for my devotion to my family (and did until recently), but that hasn't worked out at all for me or anyone because me, stripped of everything that makes me uniquely me is not someone I or anyone else knows. That, and dp and I don't want our dc growing up thinking that it's a mother's work to sacrifice who she is; it just isn't necessary and I won't share why that has been the reality of my life (it's long and painful, but can be done with now ).

I am hoping for some tips about how you practically manage accomplishing time for your personal pursuits and general well-being as hs/us'ers and any supportive advice given my circumstances.

Thanks, mamas.

[magnolia_mama]

What you are describing sounds very difficult. We all need breaks in order to recharge, but actually getting those breaks can be a challenge!

Is it possible for your partner to take the children out of the house for a few hours each week? Maybe to the park/store/etc? I find that I need at least an hour or two of uninterrupted time each week. It was only recently that I began taking it. I am an introvert and crave quiet, uninterrupted alone time. It isn't something that I receive on a daily basis, but I start to suffer if I go too long without it.

Other nice ways to recharge are: bubble baths with a good book (and a good lock on the door) while your partner entertains the kids, getting up an hour earlier or staying up an hour later than everyone else, taking a walk (without pushing anyone in the stroller!), going to the library or bookstore alone, etc.

I really hope that you can make time for yourself. My dh is the only person who can help make that happen for me. It is a challenge, but it can be done! I know that I am a better mother when I take care of myself.

[cappuccinosmom]

Are your children able to stay relatively quietly in their room?

In our house there's a mandatory 40-60 minute quiet time. They don't have to sleep, but they listen to a good story on CD, and read books or play quietly. That works really well for us.

Otherwise...maybe a baby sitter for 2 hours a few times a week. Or your dh taking them out someplace (for a hike nearby, even) to give you quiet?

[Savoir Faire]

I'm hiring a mother's helper to come over once a week for a few hours to help with the kids....just so I can feel like it isn't crazy all the time.

Otherwise....early bedtimes for the kids are a must in our house. I've got to have down time.

[PreggieUBA2C]

Op here.

I think that given that there is just no shortage of upheaval in our life, perhaps we need to plan our time better, dp and me.

I didn't mention that the renovations were doing ourselves go much further than one room; we'll be replacing our whole roof and redoing the entire interior. And we have to have the roof done before the baby comes.

Originally Posted by magnolia_mama

Is it possible for your partner to take the children out of the house for a few hours each week? Maybe to the park/store/etc? I find that I need at least an hour or two of uninterrupted time each week. It was only recently that I began taking it. I am an introvert and crave quiet, uninterrupted alone time. It isn't something that I receive on a daily basis, but I start to suffer if I go too long without it.

Other nice ways to recharge are: bubble baths with a good book (and a good lock on the door) while your partner entertains the kids, getting up an hour earlier or staying up an hour later than everyone else, taking a walk (without pushing anyone in the stroller!), going to the library or bookstore alone, etc.

I really hope that you can make time for yourself. My dh is the only person who can help make that happen for me. It is a challenge, but it can be done! I know that I am a better mother when I take care of myself.

Okay. This is nice to know- that other families have a two-person support system for one another and still manage. We are just beginning to integrate a bit into where we live with friends we've made since moving here a year and a half ago. I am not yet comfortable with them watching our dc with us away, but once we've had more time together, that may change.

I'm also an introvert. I am actually quite extreme, which is why not having time alone took a serious toll on my health. My studio is an hour away, so I haven't been going- too much time, it's cold for two hours before I can begin to work, and I'm pg and out of range of a telephone out there.

This is why we decided to build my studio into our home. I had mentioned that it's just recently that I've begun to have some time, but then it ended and I felt so disappointed and frustrated; I've been working out all sorts of ways for me to do my art and each time, there is no follow-through with my dp. He really means well ad wants things to work for me, but he doesn't usually know what to do or how; he is very disorganised and chaotic in general- and he's my only support. It is very hard. And his job is the same- chaotic and disorganised. I have had to give specific instructions, and in the past, that has become so draining that the hour or two isn't worth the effort it took to set him up and give him all the guidance he needed. He has come a long way since then, and we both think he is ready and able to take this on now.

I have deliberately designed the new studio room so that I could go in there and shut the door while still being able to see our dc. This way I can still accomplish some things while I am home with them. That's not alone time, but it does help me a lot to be able to put my hands to something non-chore-oriented.

Have you found that a few hours each week is enough for you?

Originally Posted by cappuccinosmom

Are your children able to stay relatively quietly in their room?

In our house there's a mandatory 40-60 minute quiet time. They don't have to sleep, but they listen to a good story on CD, and read books or play quietly. That works really well for us.

Otherwise...maybe a baby sitter for 2 hours a few times a week. Or your dh taking them out someplace (for a hike nearby, even) to give you quiet?

Yesterday dp did an experiment with our dc. He asked them to not talk for 2 minutes. They lasted as long as it took for him to give them the challenge. Then he repeated it with guidance so that they had a full appreciation for what he was asking them to do. Five seconds. Each of them can handle longer, but it really has to be on their time and they tend to make noise and talk in revolving-door fashion.

We used to have quiet time every day when dp worked 5 days/week and I was at home (that was for only one year of our marriage), but with him being in and out at whatever interval, I find it very hard to make a routine like that because when he is home during the day after being gone for four days (for instance, and as often happens), we have a lot of errands to run together.

Then we have a rush of things to accomplish around the house, either together or individually. His job really is the bane of our family life. He has made a lot of progress with figuring out methods for organising his personal life and self, but even still, it is next to impossible being still tied to a chaotic job system.

A different line of work is in the works for the future, but for now, it pays our bills and aside from the chaos, it's a decent job with personally fulfilling aspects that he enjoys (he's a residential youth care worker and counselor).

I have been considering ways to implement quiet time again though, since I have been feeling overwhelmed with the noise and activity level of our home. I'm just not sure how to do it with dp's (non)schedule, because when he's home, we really do have to switch into a different mode. I have to think about this some more. Thanks for suggesting it!

Originally Posted by Savoir Faire

I'm hiring a mother's helper to come over once a week for a few hours to help with the kids....just so I can feel like it isn't crazy all the time.

Otherwise....early bedtimes for the kids are a must in our house. I've got to have down time.

I had forgotten that we had a mother's helper for a few months when I was pg with ds4 and also when he was a newbie so that I could have some quiet time with him and the other boys could have some very active time with someone who could facilitate that with them. It was wonderful!

I didn't have much for alone time because I was at the end of my pg then and then caring for a newbie, but it was such a huge relief to me to have someone there specifically to be with the boys. She always offered to do things for me, but I declined because it was much more helpful to me that she would keep the older dc occupied and engaged with someone other than me for a few hours a few days each week. I really miss that. I didn't accomplish much of anything personally during that time either but I felt so much better and had more energy for the rest of the time with my family.

I'd love to do that again, but we live quite far away from anyone who could do that. My dp has told me that he really wants to spend a lot of time with our dc outside this spring/summer, working with our friends on their farm during the season. We have also decided that he is also going to take a few months of parental leave after the baby is born, so he should have no trouble doing this, and the schedule is imposed by the needs of the farm, so that should help him keep himself motivated. It's a very relaxed farm, and our dc are welcome to participate. This should free some time for me with the new baby, too.

Once the new baby has settled, I hope to figure out a routine that is integral to our family life that allows for me to have time alone. I have noticed that the best time for making these sorts of changes in my family is when another major change has happened, such as a move, or a new baby.

This time I'm going to steer the dynamic to include my needs as well. I don't mean that in a derogatory or menacing way, just in the way that I have faciliated changes in how we function to accommodate new babies; I will do that and this time include myself too, which I have not done before.

Thank you all for the brainstorming and sharing your experiences. I am going to sit down and make some plan with dp; he is eager for me to feel fully human again too.

I am still very open to how others do this. I figure that hs/us'ers have a unique family environment that is more susceptible to becoming neglectful of the needs of parents than other families might experience- or at least it is likely to be different in some common-to-hs/us ways. I have a lot to learn about this, so experiences from others are very valuable to me!!!

[crunchy_mama]

I have dh watch the oldest 2 while I go out w/ the girls now and again. I also get time utterly to myself in the morning. dd2 wakes and nurses around 6 and then goes back to sleep by 6:30 usually- then I get up and have about 30 min before dd1 wakes and then ds1 wakes somtime after that. We are still ironing out the quiet time w/out movies as I relied on that too much right after the babies. I do lots of reading time w/ them and that is soothing in a way- but we had to work up slowly to doing long periods at a time. Then I also go outside them in the afternoon and let them play and play while I bask in the sun for at least part of the time. Again- not totally free but certainly a bit of a break.

[elizawill]

hugs to you. i don't have any real advice, but wanted to offer support just the same. i only have 2 children & they're 8 & 6 now, but they are always with me for the most part. my husband also works a lot, so i understand how hard that can be with little ones. my family is in another state & although my MIL lives literally nextdoor, it's because we moved her here to help care for her husband. she can't help with our children in any way though (and that's a separate mental health post in and of itself, lol). i know this isn't helpful now, but it really has gotten a lot easier for me since my children have gotten a little older. we have a privacy fenced backyard & they can play outside unsupervised now (which i love!). i also have taken up my own interests and hobbies, and i specifically chose things that i can enjoy even if my kids are present. i love crocheting, knitting, cooking, gardening, etc. i learned to knit from youtube i also run a lot, which does involve getting out with no kids, but i work that around my husband's schedule (which can be a big pain & often requires that i get up at the cracka lacka) - but it's very worth it just the same. on days i can't run, i enjoy the workout videos via netflix and play them on my wii. my kids play in their rooms or outside when i'm doing this. lastly, i get alone time through enforced bedtime. you certainly can't do that with a baby, but since my kids are older, they go to their rooms by 8:00 or 8:30 and can read or play their DS - but they know it's time for me to chillax and for them to stay in their rooms. anyway, hugs to you.


ETA - like a pp mentioned, i also get a little alone time in the morning. i wake up before my kids - so that's some nice "me" time as well

[dotnetdiva]

Your situation sounds challenging, but I'd take the advice suggested and hire a mother's helper or try to find someone to help out now and then.

I'm an introvert also, so every few weeks I take a day to myself. That's all I need. Yesterday I went for a beautiful hike all by myself. Saw a movie and went shopping.

Every night I do get a few alone hours by myself when everyone is sleeping and I read.

In a week I am taking an entire week to myself to go on a raw foods retreat. I have never done this and I know I'm going to miss my family.

[Hippie Mama in MI]

You can see from my siggie that I'm one busy babe. Homeschooling, housework, running my jewelry business, and gardening and preserving our food takes MOUNTAINS of time. But every Monday, I decamp. I leave. I take the afternoon and evening and go surf the web, or catch up on some personal projects that need attention, or whatever. I take my 6 hours a week no matter what... unless somebody is sick. Then all bets are off.

Myy secret advice is to have an excuse. Tell your beloved family that you just HAVE to get such-and-such done tonight. My excuse is usually my son's homeschool schedule and records. That's my set-in-stone excuse for getting out of the house for some me time: "I just HAVE to get this unit study lined up, honey, and the records are 2 weeks behind..." He can't argue with that, kwim? Then either take far more time than you need for the "excuse" project, or get it done the night before when they're all asleep!

One more piece of advice: No Guilt Allowed. Chances are you do so much on a weekly basis, it's beyond ridiculous. Carve out some time for you. When I'm up to my eyeballs in busy, I have a silent mantra: "Only four days until Monday." It gets me through some hairy moments.

Good luck!

Kate