A place for DP's.

[smilingsara]

So I'm not getting knocked up this go around but i am SUPER excited for DP and to experience all of this with her!

I thought it would be nice to have a place for DP's to come, sit, chat it up, make friends, etc.

I'm not really all that sure what to post for my first posting, so I'll leave the board open to whatever comes up!

[jenmostoften]

Thank you for starting this thread. I have been wanting to communicate with other non-bio moms. A few weeks ago, after some discussions my DP had with her contacts on this site, I started a thread on a different site, but it did not really take off, (plus that site was kinda lame) and it left me feeling very discouraged, because I am fairly new to all of this message board stuff.
My DP is an avid member, and she seems to benefit a lot from the friendship and support, so I think it may really be beneficial for me as well.

It is difficult to find people who can relate to navigating the emotions of being a non-bio mom. While I have always wanted children, I have never had a strong desire to actually carry or give birth. Ellen DeGeneres does a joke on the subject something to the effect of "I may want a new washing machine, that doesn't mean I want to give birth to it" which always cracks me up. (Of course her lead up and delivery of the joke makes all the difference.) While my mom is supportive of my and DP's decision to have children, she is not shy about making it clear that she wants me to carry the next one.

It will be great to have a place to vent and discuss with people who can see things from my perspective and offer me new perspectives too! I am eager to get to know all you non-carrying DPs out there

[smilingsara]

I too am very eager to meet everyone on here, lets just hope they come, or we can be the two lone rangers!

I'm not so new to the message boards, I used to go on one once or twice a week about my favorite band, so I have a bit of experience there. My DP and I are waiting to test, I'm going out of town tomorrow night, just up to columbus, and then she works nights, so it'll be wednesday in the am when we test! She seems to be experiencing all of the symptoms, but I'm trying not to get my hopes up and I know she's not too.

She has two kids of her own, they are darling and I love them to death. This one will be her third and my first! I'm really excited to experience this. My parents just keep telling me they are too young to be call grandma and grandpa but other than that I think they are great with all of this.

[smilingsara]

if anyone else wants to join the conversation, they are MORE than welcome to!

[jenmostoften]

Moving forward from here.....

This board is going to begin to read like a tennis match soon, LOL

So, after we got our first BFP about two a half weeks ago, and then our first ultrasound revealed nothing, we went on this past Friday to make sure there was still nothing to be optimistic about going on in there, and pretty much to make sure that DPs HCG level was dropping properly. So in our best case scenario at this point, it would seem that her numbers are dropping normally and her body will deal naturally with the miscarriage as opposed to needing a chemical nudge. This at least means that we can start trying again sooner than if they had needed to give her an injection to force things along. While it's been a somber weekend, we are trying to believe all the cliches about it not being our time, and how things happen for a reason, and our turn will come,

So what is the favorite band you participated in the board for? I assume by your phrasing of "i'm not getting knocked up this round" that perhaps you are carrying in the next round? I am hoping for your BFP on Wednesday morning...the fact that it's hump day could be a plus. I can understand not wanting to get your hopes up. Even after we got the BFP I was still afraid to get my hopes up or believe it entirely because it was so early, and I am actually glad that I was a bit emotionally guarded about it. We really only told our parents, and I am really relieved now that I didn't start telling a bunch of people.

Anyways, enjoy your trip out of town!

AND REALLY, ALL YOU PEOPLE READING THIS...JUMP RIGHT IN

[megincl]

I'm a non-bio mom here, too!

Thanks for starting this thread. Full disclosure, though -- I've been around here a while, as we have a 7yo DS, and DW is pregnant, so I'm no longer (after three years of trying!) on the TTC rollercoaster. I can, however, speak to that experience and am always eager to hear from other non-bio parents.

Thanks for starting this thread!

[seraf]

I'm not a non-bio mom yet, but I've been reading on here! Next go-round, that's the plan.

Seraf

__________________

Baba to 2, hopefully cooking up another soon.

[jenmostoften]

Seraf.....Thanks for popping in with a post! I have been lurking over at the April Queer Conceptions board, as my DP had been threadkeeping before you so kindly took over for her. Thanks for that, she needed a break.....It's ironic, because she had been spending quite a bit of time on the boards and it seemed to really help her. But since we found out about the miscarriage, she has hardly been interested, and now I am the one who is all up in it. I only wish I knew better what it felt like physically so I could help her through it better.

Megincl......I am certain you have lots of helpful perspective to offer as the conversation progresses. July is just around the corner.....how exciting!!

I have been curious......how many couples out there include a DP who does not intend to carry at all, as opposed to couples that are composed of partners who both have/want to carry?

[osker]

Hi!
I'm the DP (mommy-to-be) of a currently pregnant mama-to-be! We're due in August and loving every minute of it!
Currently overly busy trying to finish up the last few weeks of grad school, but very interested in DPs!

[erthe_mama]

Hi there!

I've been on the boards a while as well; DP has registered, but never posted or even lurked. The only time she feels like going online is at work, and her browser isn't capable of using this site for some reason.

We have one 7yo kiddo that I gave birth to before we got together, and now she's 12 weeks preggers. Family on both sides have been nice about it, but not necessarily supportive. As of the beginning of the month, my extended family isn't even speaking to us (except my sister that lives in our house) because they disagree with us supporting our gender variant child in her decisions. So nothing to do with the pregnancy really, but it doesn't feel good at all.

Anyway, we have plans for me to carry the next one, and if Sonja decides she likes the idea of pregnancy and birth, we just may have one more after that.

[lyn_ftst]

I'm both non-bio and a bio-mom, but my wife carried our first, so my first and most formative experience of pregnancy and parenting was as a non-bio-mom. I love it when these threads pop up. There aren't enough of us talking about what this is like, even in the queer community.

We got pregnant pretty quickly with our first, so I don't have much to offer on the TTC front, but I remember very vividly how alone I felt while we were expecting our first (not all expecting non-bio-moms do, but I did). Especially as pregnancy progressed, I felt expendable and invisible, even as I was thrilled things were going well and pleased as punch that my wife was enjoying the pregnancy so much. But it was hard. There was really no one to talk to about it except my wife. Thankfully she didn't dismiss my worries, and really engaged with them. We eventually realized it wasn't just my job to figure out my "role" as a non-bio-mom, but actually *our* job to figure out how to have two moms in one family. It meant a lot that she took that on as her own, and didn't leave me to figure it out alone.

Two things that helped a ton:

1) The baby being born. It might sound obvious, but things got better fast once there was an actual baby to take care of, and not just too much time on my hands to worry and wonder how it would be.

2) Taking leave! I cannot say it enough, if there is any way at all to take leave as a non-bio-mom, even if you have to give up pay, if there is any room at all, do it. Depending on work plans, consider taking solo leave to get good one-on-one time. This was HUGE in terms of my quickly gaining comfort and confidence as a parent, and our finding solid footing as a family.

Originally Posted by jenmostoften

I have been curious......how many couples out there include a DP who does not intend to carry at all, as opposed to couples that are composed of partners who both have/want to carry?

We always planned on each carrying, and were lucky that it actually worked out. My informal tally indicates that the majority (perhaps large majority?) of two-mom families have one mom who carries and one who doesn't. I've also noticed that some who want to or plan to switch up, don't actually end up doing so for a variety of reasons (infertility, comfort of pre-existing roles, running out of sperm vials and wanting kids to have genetic link, etc). I'm really glad it worked for us.

[citygirl144]

Hi all - thanks for starting this thread! My partner and I are currently TTC (with her carrying), and our plan is for me to carry the 2nd child. We have had a very long planning period, in part because we're committed to using a KD which has been a process and in part b/c I had a really hard time wrapping my head around not going "first." I have been excited for pregnancy and childbirth etc since I was a teenager (I'm almost 30 now), whereas for DP, these are all new interests in her life and even so not as strong as mine (she's more excited about the parenting part than the pregnancy, but does still want to experience pregnancy). But she is 4 years older and felt that she really wanted to get started before she was 35, and we wanted to be able to play by ear how much spacing we put between kids. Even still, I am much more of the TTC planner, which sometimes feels good (her body, but me playing a huge role in actually making it happen), and sometimes feels strange (I'm doing all this work and I don't even get to experience pregnancy! - I know that isn't true and that I will eventually but sometimes it feels really far away). the other thing that compounds it is that i am very femme and she is not, and so our family/friends always assume that i will be the one who is carrying. this is complex b/c i know we shouldn't play into society's idea that only femmes have the kids and that butch/genderqueer folks don't, but it does feel hard to me to have my inner struggles about this sort of encouraged by other folks. which i then feel ashamed of b/c i do not want to play into gendered ideas of who gets pregnant! finally, although the plan is that i will take some type of maternity leave to be with the 1st baby, i am anxious about it actually being a financial reality for us both to take leave. the whole thing has been one of the most interesting (on good days) and challenging (on not so good days) experiences for me - and we haven't even gotten pregnant yet! my therapist has been very encouraging that it will all feel better once there is an actual baby. and i have to say that reading about other's experiences - like from lynftst (I love your blog!) - has been invaluable.

[jenmostoften]

erthe mama.....what a shame that your family is being unsupportive of your parenting decisions. It only makes it harder on your 7yo to go through gender issues when there's no extended network of support.

lyn ftst.....your post hits a chord with me, I can relate with the feelings of being expendable and invisible. Throughout this whole process of TTC, there are random times when I just don't know what my place is. It's difficult sometimes not to feel as though I am on the outside looking in, even though DP recognizes this challenge for me and does everything she can to make me feel included. I try to go to all the Dr appts, and she includes me in all the decision making, but nonetheless, it is her body going through it all, its her being poked, prodded, and analyzed by the docs. How would any of it be much different if I weren't involved? Don't get me wrong, I am still very excited about the whole thing, and I can't wait for our turn to have a little one. I am lucky we have such a strong relationship, but just as I cannot imagine what she is going through, she is unable to understand what it feels like from my side. It is encouraging to hear you say that some of that melted away when the baby came. I had wondered about that and it's nice to get confirmation.

I agree that there is not much dialogue about the whole non-bio mom thing. Everybody talks about how thrilled and excited they are, but I should hope we are, since we are all actively planning and pursuing babies. It is less common in my experience to find non-bios who share their feelings of loneliness, etc. I am very analytical and I have wondered if it has anything to do with the fact that a lot of non-bio moms are perhaps more butch, and maybe exhibit more of a stereotypical masculine characteristic of not sharing feelings/emotions as easily? While I dislike generalizations, and I myself am a stereotype breaker, sometimes there is some truth in them. Hmmm, I could be way off....just typing stream of consciusness.

[indigoscot]

like lyn_ftst, i am a bio mum and non-bio mum. i carried our first son and dp carried our second. we plan on trying for one more mid-next year with her carrying again as i'm approaching 41 and have a blood clotting disorder that we discovered via a post-partum blood clot!

i second taking leave when your partner has given birth. i took off 2 weeks and it really helps with bonding. dp also took 2 weeks off when i had given birth. we both breastfed (well, she is still breastfeeding) and that hasn't affected bonding at all. we thought about me trying to re-lactate but with my work schedule and running after a 2.5yo it just wasn't feasible. that may be something y'all might be interested in though.

i love both our sons equally - i know some have concerns about loving their bio-child more but for me (and dp) that is not the case.

if you have any questions, feel free to ask! i think it's great when both partners carry.

g

[erthe_mama]

Originally Posted by jenmostoften

erthe mama.....what a shame that your family is being unsupportive of your parenting decisions. It only makes it harder on your 7yo to go through gender issues when there's no extended network of support.

Totally. But she was seeing her grandma every week with sleepovers every couple of weeks dressed as a boy and using her birth name, and it was really wearing on her. When we told her about how "Nan" and the aunties will not get to see her until she decides to give DD the respect she deserves, DD seemed relieved and not even upset. That wasn't the reaction we expected at all though.

Originally Posted by indigoscot

we both breastfed (well, she is still breastfeeding) and that hasn't affected bonding at all. we thought about me trying to re-lactate but with my work schedule and running after a 2.5yo it just wasn't feasible. that may be something y'all might be interested in though.

We're also both breastfeeding. Yay! I'm really looking forward to it, since I really enjoyed breastfeeding my first, and it'll be nice to give DP a break sometimes.

Originally Posted by citygirl144

Even still, I am much more of the TTC planner, which sometimes feels good (her body, but me playing a huge role in actually making it happen), and sometimes feels strange (I'm doing all this work and I don't even get to experience pregnancy! - I know that isn't true and that I will eventually but sometimes it feels really far away). the other thing that compounds it is that i am very femme and she is not, and so our family/friends always assume that i will be the one who is carrying.

I think I know a little bit about how you feel concerning ttc, etc. I was REALLY looking forward to another pregnancy, and was planning to carry, but then DP and I started dating, and decided to wait a while to have a child. Then we decided she should go first because she's a few years older than me. I really fussed a lot about "getting everything together", and now I'm fussing about the pregnancy, but I'm not pregnant. lol Plus, she's the more "butch" one, so it totally confuses people sometimes. Mostly family though, since our friends are used to us by now...

[smilingsara]

I'm sorry, I've been gone for so long and missed so much! what great posts from everyone!

DP is going first because I wanted her to and I know she wanted a baby sooner rather than later and I thought I should wait for me to personally have a baby yet! So she's having this one, then its my turn and I bloody cant wait!

I know my parents keep saying 'we're too young to be grandma and grandpa' but mom knows DP wants another baby! I know they will be supportive and love this baby so much (just like they do with the other two little ones!)!

I keep wanting to ask DP what things are feeling like during her 2WW, but I dont wanna bug her!

Off to bed, its late!

more another day!

[megan sacha]

I became a parent as a non-bio mom in 2007 and am now pregnant with our second. I can relate to some of what others have said about the difficulty of being in that role, especially during the pregnancy (and before when ttc) when you are wondering how it will all work out. After our son was born, a lot of those worries went away for me. I still feel I face discrimination from some family members who don't treat me equally as his parent but my own insecurities have dissolved. I am 100% his mother and he can tell me when he's a teen that I'm "not really his mom" all he wants and I'll just know how wrong he is. I couldn't love him more nor feel more his mom. In fact I wonder how I can possibly love another, this one who is genetically mine and growing in my belly as much as I love him.

[CassnBeth]

I am beyond thrilled that we have this thread! My wife and I spent a year TTC with me carrying but I have PCOS and after three early miscarriages we just threw in the towel and switched to my wife. Thank goodness, her cycles are perfectly textbook and she got pregnant on our second try despite using a KD who turned out to have a terrible sperm count. Now we make a lot of jokes about how it is good DW is gay since she can clearly get pregnant if sperm so much as throws its hat on the bed!

Our original intention was for me to carry all of our children and now it is our plan for my wife to carry all the children. Having a genetic connection between our kids is important to us and, I admit, after all our fertility struggles, DW's functional reproductive system seems like an amazing luxury. Also, now that DD is here and I am her Mommy and bonded with her....I guess I don't really care now if I have any bio kids ever. I couldn't possibly love DD more and there have been some serious advantages to having the main caregiver and the birth parent be separate people. Our whole family got to be home together for six weeks PAID!

I hope this thread keeps going! And best of luck to all of you TTC-ers! I can't to get back into that rigamorole for #2 next spring.

[jenmostoften]

It's nice to see so many people post insightful things. I want to soak up as much as I can from this thread, so lets keep it up!

smilingsara - if i recall correctly, you and DP were testing yesterday morn, any good news??

citygirl144 - definitely seems like it would be bittersweet planning/charting for your DP to carry, especially when it sound like you really want to carry more. Although I am not carrying this round, and I don't think I ever will, DP has started loosely charting my cycle (just in case I change my mind, or she can't carry later) but I feel like at 29, I should've had the urge by now if I was going to.
My older brothers who have children warn me that if I ever intend to give birth myself I should not be present in the room during labor because it will freak me out. I'm not so sure I agree with that, but we'll see I guess. Anyone have perpsective on whether watching your DP give birth discouraged you from wanting to go through it yourself? I'm sure for some it's gotta be the opposite, right?

The breastfeeding topic is so interesting....DP has mentioned that she's heard of inducing lactation in non-bio moms, which seems somehow intimidating or something. I know it would be great to bond with the baby that way, and maybe I just need to educate myself about it. In theory, I love the idea, but the reality of it doesn't sit quite as well, and I am unsure why.

AFM, things are slowly starting to get back to normal after the miscarriage. DP is taking temps, etc again, and even though the RE thinks we should wait 2 cycles to try again, DP feels like we don't need to wait, and wants to jump right back in after one AF. I feel a bit caught in the middle on the subject. While I will support DP in her decision if she thinks her body is ready again,(afer all, how the heck do I know what it feels like) I am also a worrier so I think sometimes we should just play it safe and wait like the dr says, but yet we all know docs don't always know best....But what if there IS validity in his warning...?? Good thing I still have some time to overanalyze and worry needlessly over this, LOL

[indigoscot]

wrt watching the birth...before i gave birth i watched lots of those birth shows - not the tlc baby story ones but those that show the actual baby being born. dp could not watch them AT.ALL. she even said she would faint if she watched me give birth and didn't want to cut the cord.

in the hospital she watched my water flood all over the hospital bed (and there was meconium in it) and did actually watch our son being born w/o fainting. i watched too; i had them position a mirror so i could see ds1 being born. dp did not cut the cord. i asked to see the placenta and sac afterwards but dp was with ds1 at that point so she wasn't freaked out by my curiosity.

none of this made her not want to have a baby. when ds2 was born, dp's sister and i were in the room and coached her through her back labour. i cut ds2's cord.

i feel extremely lucky to have experienced both giving birth and watching my dp giving birth.

g