|My emotional state would be entirely different if I had been able to get her pregnant myself by at home insem. But the fact that we tried that over half a dozen times unsuccessfully makes me sometimes feel like I wasn’t inserting the sperm right or something, and I translate that into “ I can’t get my DP pregnant”
Jen, I totally hear you on that one! It took us 13 cycles over three years to get where we are... and often H would get to decide if we would try again the next month or take a break, depending on what she felt she could handle. We would talk about it, and sometimes I could change her mind, but most often, she was in charge of the when
of it all, which was frustrating at times. I think what helped me to feel like I was an active participant was that I was always the one who called the sperm bank and placed "an order for delivery"
each month. I also invested a lot of time and energy into research on supplements, exercises, added whatevers that could have helped us.... so some of the time I felt that I was teaching H the things that would possibly help us out. In the end we think it was the getting riotously drunk that worked... but hey, research would have easily proven that one!
I wonder, too, how much frustration and failure for you is wrapped up in the miscarriage. We luckily never had to deal with that, but I know if I was in your position I would totally feel that I had done something wrong and that I was continuing to do something wrong in not being able to take away my partner's pain over it all. I imagine that that, on top of the feelings of failure about having to go doctor-assisted (btw, have you thought about at-home IUI? that's what we did!) would be huge, and painful, and not any fun at all.
In the middle of our ttc years
(ouch!), I found a therapist and went to talk about my anxieties and frustrations etc... It was SO helpful and wonderful just to have a place where I could talk about MY experience of the whole thing, rather than OUR experience or H's experience. Having a little something just for me was awesome.
I don't know if I would say that the actual getting pregnant part took away some of the not-so-fun parts of ttc. It did take away my feelings of anger toward the easily-fertile set, as well as my feelings of guilt and anger at myself over not being able to just ask-for-and-receive a pregnancy. It helped for us to have travel together while we were on this crazy roller coaster. We probably went on ... four vacations a year over those three years and we needed every one of them!
Apparently, I also still like to talk about it all! (and avoid my work!!!)