preteen girls and clothes 2... how much choice?

[sesa70]

I posted a while back about trying to find age appropriate clothing for my almost 11 yr old daughter. She has pretty involved special needs and because of that sometimes getting the right style clothes is a challenge. I got some great ideas from mdc members, and we did some online shopping.

Fast forward a couple weeks and we have some new stuff from gap. Dd loves it, only I don't
She picked all these denim bermuda shorts that are ripped, faded, have holes and unfinished edges. I know that the style is popular, but to me it looks unkempt. I grew up in a culture where you always looked 'well groomed' and these clothes look sloppy to me. I worry that people are going to look at her and judge her, feel sorry for her like 'oh look at that poor disabled kid her parents don't like her enough to dress her well or keep her clean' or 'poor kid in a wheelchair, she can't walk and she looks messy' I know it sounds a bit overboard, but she gets loads of public attention every time she leaves the house. Its almost as if some of the negative attention gets deflected (she still gets stared at) if she looks cute and well put together.


So for me, I have this conflict of her clothing choices going against my cultural upbringing and working against her appearance publicly because of her disabilities.

That being said, she loves her new clothes. They really make her happy. She was all smiles when I got her dressed this morning. The more I tried to convince her to let me return the sloppy stuff for cleaner stuff, the more she liked her sloppy gap clothes

My dh is of the opinion that she should wear whatever she wants (within reason, ie no daisy dukes etc) He feels pretty strongly that it doesn't matter what we want her to wear, she should choose completely since she has so little choices about most of her life/environment. Just because I can put her in whatever I want doesn't mean I should.

So, what do I do here? Any thoughts?

[mtiger]

I agree with DH.

[Mirzam]

Originally Posted by mtiger

I agree with DH.

So do I.

[happysmileylady]

I agree with your DH also.

[Teensy]

I'm not the most fashionable person on the planet, but the torn-up/ripped/worn look does appear to be more fashionable these days, so although it looks unkempt to us old fogeys, to kids her age she looks more stylish than if she were wearing the clothes we were raised to think acceptable. I would think with (well, or without) special needs, you would want to avoid having your DD "look like her mama dressed her" - so the trendier clothes are better for achieving this.

[karne]

I answered in your other thread...hope you don't mind if i chime in here too! Again, I hope not to be offensive at all in my response. Tell me if I am. My first thought is that if you take away the special needs/wheelchair piece, this is an extremely common issue between parents and kids at this age. I know that there are moments where I look at the totally funky, cool, interesting, what have you, outfit that my dd puts together, and I have to remind myself to breath. She is expressing herself, forming her identity and, yes, separating from me. It's what they are supposed to be doing right now!

I completely get feeling like the clothing our kids wear reflects back on us as parents and all that goes along with that. I take a lot of pride in what my kids "look" like, and how they go out into the world. I was raised in a pretty public family, so this is ingrained in a deep way in me, and it's not always positive. When my kids were little and my dh would get them dressed he had the uncanny ability to find whatever had been chosen for the "discard" pile, and dress the kids in that clothing. He had no idea, and it wasn't important to him. I would hyperventilate, but I got over it.

I hear that your dd receives a lot of attention, and I do understand your concerns. But, on the other hand, you sound like you have a wonderful dd who knows her own mind and has been given the room to experiment with her clothing. You should be proud of the fact that she can make these choices for herself. It doesn't sound like she's unaware of what's culturally "in" as a preteen-it sounds like she's on top of it. My guess is that other preteen girls will recognize and appreciate her choices, so even if adults see ratty, ripped shorts, her peers will "get" what she's wearing. All this speaks to what sensitive parenting you're doing in helping her have this freedom, and giving her experiences with choices. I guarantee, all of us w/kids this age are right there with you!

[MusicianDad]

Also agree with your DH.

Honestly, if someone looks at intentionally ripped and faded clothes and actually mistakes them for worn out, torn old clothes and assumes that mom and dad can't afford neat ones then they need to get their eyes checked.

The whole idea of those clothes is to look unkempt without actually being unkempt. Sort of like the "bed head" hair style. No one really mistakes that for someone who literally just got out of bed and did nothing with their hair.

[mtiger]

Originally Posted by sesa70

She picked all these denim bermuda shorts that are ripped, faded, have holes and unfinished edges. I know that the style is popular, but to me it looks unkempt. I grew up in a culture where you always looked 'well groomed' and these clothes look sloppy to me. I worry that people are going to look at her and judge her, feel sorry for her like 'oh look at that poor disabled kid her parents don't like her enough to dress her well or keep her clean' or 'poor kid in a wheelchair, she can't walk and she looks messy' I know it sounds a bit overboard, but she gets loads of public attention every time she leaves the house. Its almost as if some of the negative attention gets deflected (she still gets stared at) if she looks cute and well put together.

Honestly? This is YOUR issue to deal with - not your daughter's.

Let me tell you a story...My parents are both immigrants - from Europe, refugees of WWII. When I was coming up, I was ONLY allowed to wear skirts/dresses in school. We're talking late 60s/early 70s. Because that was my parents' culture, and they didn't want people to think they couldn't afford to dress me so I had to wear pants. Yeah well... people thought it was weird and they couldn't afford to dress me in pants - because that's what was in fashion. Go figure.

[EFmom]

I agree with your dh in this instance, but it's an issue I struggle with also.

[doulatara]

I would also go with your dh on this one. She feels good in the clothes, they are fashionable and people know it is a style so therefore it won't reflect poorly on you or her. I would let this one go. If she were dressing provocatively I would agree that you should have final veto rights...but this sounds like a difference of taste, and I think especially because your daughter always has alot of attention focused on her, she should be able to feel good about what she is wearing.

[ikesmom]

I say don't sweat the small stuff. I think that you are a great mom and by allowing dd to choose she will be much happier and comfortable. Those things show a lot more than a distressed pair of shorts or vintage looking clothes. If you go somewhere fancy then have her dress up a little more..but today fashion is so casual.

[34me]

I work with kiddos with disabilities. I love to see the kiddos pick out their clothes and develop their own sence of style (or go with the crowd). Peers really can tell when mom picked out their clothes. Thank you for giving her this freedom.

[K1329]

I have a sister with a disability and totally understand that you get lots of attention wherever you go. That said, I agree with the pps. What is most important is that your dd feels confident and good in her clothes. Especially since she is also dealing with a disability.

[Storm Bride]

Add me to the chorus. I agree with your dh.

I'd like to add that I, personally, would far rather have people look down on me/look at me funny for my choices than for someone else's choices.

[keyley1090]

I also agree with your DH.

You have to think of it this way, if she didn't have the wheelchair, what she would be wearing was normal.
You don't want to show her that outward appearance is what makes a person.
I do understand your argument but she might start to think that if my mother doesn't want me dressing how all the "cool" kids dress, maybe I am not cool. Ya know?

Try to look at it from her view.