pre teen sn girl and clothes... how much choice?

[sesa70]

* I cross posted this in the pre teen/teen parenting forum*
I wasn't sure the best place to ask this question... sorry if I did something wrong!

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I posted a while back about trying to find age appropriate clothing for my almost 11 yr old daughter. She has pretty involved special needs and because of that sometimes getting the right style clothes is a challenge. I got some great ideas from mdc members, and we did some online shopping.

Fast forward a couple weeks and we have some new stuff from gap. Dd loves it, only I don't
She picked all these denim bermuda shorts that are ripped, faded, have holes and unfinished edges. I know that the style is popular, but to me it looks unkempt. I grew up in a culture where you always looked 'well groomed' and these clothes look sloppy to me. I worry that people are going to look at her and judge her, feel sorry for her like 'oh look at that poor disabled kid her parents don't like her enough to dress her well or keep her clean' or 'poor kid in a wheelchair, she can't walk and she looks messy' I know it sounds a bit overboard, but she gets loads of public attention every time she leaves the house. Its almost as if some of the negative attention gets deflected (she still gets stared at) if she looks cute and well put together.

So for me, I have this conflict of her clothing choices going against my cultural upbringing and working against her appearance publicly because of her disabilities.

That being said, she loves her new clothes. They really make her happy. She was all smiles when I got her dressed this morning. The more I tried to convince her to let me return the sloppy stuff for cleaner stuff, the more she liked her sloppy gap clothes

My dh is of the opinion that she should wear whatever she wants (within reason, ie no daisy dukes etc) He feels pretty strongly that it doesn't matter what we want her to wear, she should choose completely since she has so little choices about most of her life/environment. Just because I can put her in whatever I want doesn't mean I should.

So, what do I do here? Any thoughts?

[Linda on the move]

let it go, let her be happy.

Let go of the idea of people judging you based on what your child is wearing, or pitying her clothes from Gap. (none of the girls her age will pity her, they would be more likely to pity her if you made her dress in *nice* clothes.)

Is she into accessories yet? It's a whole new world that she might really enjoy!

[2boyzmama]

Originally Posted by sesa70

That being said, she loves her new clothes. They really make her happy. She was all smiles when I got her dressed this morning. The more I tried to convince her to let me return the sloppy stuff for cleaner stuff, the more she liked her sloppy gap clothes

My dh is of the opinion that she should wear whatever she wants (within reason, ie no daisy dukes etc) He feels pretty strongly that it doesn't matter what we want her to wear, she should choose completely since she has so little choices about most of her life/environment. Just because I can put her in whatever I want doesn't mean I should.

So, what do I do here? Any thoughts?

Ahh...looks like you're getting into that oh-so-fun preteen obstinate stage where she wants anything you DON'T want

I get where you're coming from about the feeling of judgement. My 18 year old cousin is MR and has lived with my grandparents. They don't pay attention to her clothes, and she has no concept, so she'll wear sweats, oversized clothes, etc. It bothers me, for the same reasons you said. So I get it, I do.

BUT...we're not talking faded ripped thrift store clothes here, we're talking clothes that are in style for a girl her age. Most parents don't "like" the style of the clothes in their kids' generation

Try to ignore her disability and think of how you would handle it. Would you allow her to choose, within reason, when she's at school, but you put your foot down if it's a family outing or going to church or...? Or maybe she can choose her play clothes, but you insist that she dress nicely at school? Or maybe you will just lay out basic guidelines like the length of the inseam, the style of the sleeves (spaghetti strap not allowed, but cup sleeves are, for example) how much skin can show, etc?

And I seem to remember that there was a big discussion about her hair not long ago...she used to wear it long, but wanted it short (or maybe you wanted it short? I can't remember...) You might find if you give her "control" of something like her hair, she'll be less likely to make a big deal about her clothes. Maybe she wants her nails painted funky colors more than she wants to wear her bermuda shirt. There's LOTS of room for negotiation/compromise here!

[sesa70]

Thank you for saying this

Often times I forget there is an almost 11 year old hiding in there! LOL! Her physical limitations are so apparent that sometimes I forget about the typical experiences of girls her age.

I like the idea of specific guidelines. I think I can talk to her about that and show her what I am uncomfortable with and why (like short shorts, for example) and hopefully she can choose her clothes based on those guidelines.


Oh, and I totally gave up on the hair issue. She now has half a head of pink hair! LOL! She loves loves LOVES her pink hair.

Originally Posted by 2boyzmama

Ahh...looks like you're getting into that oh-so-fun preteen obstinate stage where she wants anything you DON'T want

Try to ignore her disability and think of how you would handle it. Would you allow her to choose, within reason, when she's at school, but you put your foot down if it's a family outing or going to church or...? Or maybe she can choose her play clothes, but you insist that she dress nicely at school? Or maybe you will just lay out basic guidelines like the length of the inseam, the style of the sleeves (spaghetti strap not allowed, but cup sleeves are, for example) how much skin can show, etc?

And I seem to remember that there was a big discussion about her hair not long ago...she used to wear it long, but wanted it short (or maybe you wanted it short? I can't remember...) You might find if you give her "control" of something like her hair, she'll be less likely to make a big deal about her clothes. Maybe she wants her nails painted funky colors more than she wants to wear her bermuda shirt. There's LOTS of room for negotiation/compromise here!

[sapphire_chan]

I'm not quite sure how the sn play into this, but growing up the rule was if I spent my own money I could get whatever I wanted, but if my parents were buying they had final veto power.

Since I didn't (and don't) give a rat's rear end about "designer" labels, I never had to spend any of my allowance on clothes.

And they specified the sort of things they wouldn't be okay buying for me, like new name-brand stuff, stuff that was already falling apart, stuff that was too small.

[pixiekisses]

I'd let her choose what makes her happy.

Clothes is a non-issue here, they wear whatever they want. (As long as it's weather appropriate, and not a thong for a 6 yo., kinda.)

[blessedwithboys]

i'm with your dh on this one