ds says he's not ready...

[Oliver'sMom]

I recently signed ds up for an art class that meets once a week for two hours. He's been to many classes similar to this before, but this is the first class where I drop him off.

At first, he was very excited about it and he went to the first three classes with no problem. Last week, however, we went there and all was fine, but once it was time for me to go he broke down sobbing and said he wanted to "just go home and take a nap." We did just that, and I thought he must have just been really tired that day.

Flash forward to today. While we were eating breakfast I asked ds if he was excited about going to his art class that afternoon. A look of sheer panic came over his face and he said "I don't want to go back there ever again!" When I asked him why not, he said that he didn't understand why he had to be dropped off and that it was too loud there because they used a vacuum.

Ds has very sensitive ears and likes to wear ear muffs in a lot of public settings like restaurants and bathrooms...when I asked him if he wanted to bring his ear muffs to his class, he again said "no, I'm never going back." He's signed up to start pre-school in June and without me asking or anything, he said that he doesn't want to go there either. He said "I want to go when I'm 4."

I'm really feeling like I shouldn't push this, but it's frustrating since we've already paid for his art class and for the first month of pre-school. Does anyone have any experience with this? What would you do?

TIA and sorry this got to be a bit long!

[ssh]

Maybe something happened that upset him. Can you stay with him during class or at preschool? It could help him feel safe enough to try again.

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I bet he just didn't realize how long two hours feels.

Can you go to the art class and stay? I know it's not much fun for you, but that way, he can finish the class, and you aren't leaving. But, see if you can be an assistant, so you aren't his personal assistant. You would just be helping in the class instead of dropping him off.

[aiea]

He's given the vacuum reason and the "i'm alone" reason, and it may only be that. Those may be two big reasons not to return from his perspective.

Can you call the class teacher/admin and ask about the vacuum? Maybe it was just a one-time thing. Maybe somebody dropped glitter on the floor and it needed to be swept up...

After that, if the teacher respects that vacuums scare him, I would ask DS if he'd like to come back knowing the vacuum won't come out unless XYZ happens. It's negotiating and communication, but I know it's difficult sometimes. We are dealing with the same (classes, away time from home) with our 3.5 yo.

[pauletoy]

The vaccum would totally freak my 5 year old out. He has mild SPD and can hardly stand most sounds. That may be all of your DS's problem.

I do wonder about the time of the class. A two hour afternoon class seems like it would be a little too much for a child under 4. He may not be napping anymore but he may still be tired and need some downtime in the afternoons.

Could you try a shorter class earlier in the day?

[elmh23]

My first son is a day older than yours and I can tell you he would not be ready for that art class. It's too long without a parent there. He also wouldn't be ready for preschool at all even though he tries to stay at his sisters school every day. Again, to many hours away from one of us and around a group of other kids (he loves other kids, but tends to get over stimulated really fast.)

[eepster]

The vacuum would have done the same to my DS at that age. When ever our house needed cleaning, DS would cling to me on the couch comforting him while DH vacuumed. If it had ever happened when I wasn't there to protect him from the vacuum, it would be a total refusal to return to the situation.

I would walk into the class with him and talk with the teacher about what happened. If possible I would stay with him there for a little while till he's comfortable.

I'm pretty surprised the teacher didn't realize how common it is for preschoolers to be very scared of vacuum cleaners.

I don't think the fear says your DS isn't ready for preschool or classes, just that you need to find ones that will be aware that your DS is sensitive and willing to work with you. My DS started preschool at 2 1/2 yo, I needed to sit in the hall for him to run out when he got scared for a month. It worked out fine for him though. zhe really blossomed in preschool and loves it very much.

[One_Girl]

Art classes tend to be very directed and they have a clear right and wrong. If he is just coming from being home and not having to deal with the boredom of a two hour long period of intense direction then it may be too much for him right now. I think you should pull him from the art class but give the preschool a chance though, especially if you have chosen a play based one. Preschool tends to be a lot less directed. There is a loose structure to preschool, but there is not as much right and wrong as there is in a class that focuses on giving instruction in techniques and most of the time is taken up by free choice inside and outside.

[claras_mom]

Originally Posted by Oliver'sMom

I'm really feeling like I shouldn't push this, but it's frustrating since we've already paid for his art class and for the first month of pre-school. Does anyone have any experience with this? What would you do?

TIA and sorry this got to be a bit long!

I'd probably offer to stay with him for the art class and see if that makes a difference. The first time I signed dd1 up for something, she was just turned 4 (we'd tried a kindermusic class earlier--she enjoyed it but told me she didn't see any reason to go back. : ) While she enjoyed the classes (it was an all-morning art-kindermusic-dance thing, just for 4 days over the winter break), she wanted to know I was out in the hall. And after the first day, she didn't want to do the dance portion at all (which I'd thought would be her favorite thing). It was too much. She got tired and hungry, the music was really loud, and I suspect it was too much structure.

And this is a kid who was used to being away from me, because she's in daycare.

I wouldn't make any definitive moves with the preschool thing. As someone said, preschool will be very different than a once-a-week class. Different structuring; more opportunities to run around and play with other kids.

[Oliver'sMom]

That's a good idea about asking if I can stay with him during the class. I'll see if that's a possibility...if not, I'll probably just pull him from the class.

The class is pretty structured, which I agree he is probably too young for. I guess I didn't give that a whole lot of thought when I signed him up. I thought, he loves to do arts and crafts, so he should love this class. They do give him a snack and they have free play time outside, but it must not be enough for him. Plus, he does still nap most days, so the timing of this class is for sure throwing him off. Oh well, live and learn!

His pre-school is play based and very open-ended. It's a co-op nursery, so I'll be there as an aid at least once a month. He's just signed up for two mornings a week. I think I'll just go to that with him as well in the begining until he feels secure.

Thanks so much for the great insight!

[Anglyn]

Another vote for not pushing him. And who knows if he will like preschool or not? Just stay open and attuned to him. A lot of kids aren't ready that young. My oldest child was spending overnights at grandmas and his best friends house by age five, but my dd who is almost 7 never has. Everyone has a different comfort level, you sound like you are very attuned to his needs, so just let that guide you.

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Originally Posted by Oliver'sMom

His pre-school is play based and very open-ended. It's a co-op nursery, so I'll be there as an aid at least once a month. He's just signed up for two mornings a week. I think I'll just go to that with him as well in the begining until he feels secure.

Thanks so much for the great insight!

Sounds like a great school! I bet he'll like that. I agree with going into class, but go as a teacher's aide and not his buddy. Talk to the teachers in advance and let them know that for the first week or two, you'd like to stay and be an aide. There's usually things you need to do in advance. (TB test, fingerprint etc) and that way, you will be cleared in advance so they can put you on the schedule for the first couple of weeks.