What to do when your child is the abuser?

[foodymama]

DD will be 23mo. and I am a SAHM and she is used to getting my undivided attention all day long as well as the fact that she is currently an only child so everything in the house is "only hers", or so she thinks. She was a high needs baby and she is turning out to be a very spirited toddler with some ethnic stubbornness thrown in for good measure but on a daily basis just with Mama she is normally a joy.

The problem comes in when she is with her cousin who is a boy and is four months older than her. He is a very mild mannered boy and I take care of him on occassion. When he is at our house, us at his house, all of us at the grandparents house, (you get the idea, anywhere they are together) for any amount of time my DD is almost uncontrollable. She goes from hitting him with toys, hitting him with her hands, kicking him, biting him, screeching at him (he is sensitive to noises so this really scares him), grabbing toys away, pushing him over, to meltdown and tantrums every few minutes. It is absolutely exhausting and I find myself getting louder and louder with each incident because she just doesn't seem to respond to anything. I usually get her away from my poor nephew and explain that hitting, biting, whatever hurtful offense hurts and that it isn't nice to hit and she needs to be gentle. Let me say that sometimes she does play nice with him and the not nice behavior comes out of left field with no prior indication so it's almost impossible to prevent the behavior before it occurs. I talk about taking turns and that always results in a tantrum. And my poor nephew usually just endures her abuse. If anyone can give me advice how to deal with this I would be very grateful.

[nelson]

My perspective is more from the other side, my DS is very gentle and he has a much more aggressive playmate, who we see often because are families are good friends. Unfortunately nothing the parents do seems to help much from what I've seen. The one thing that has seemed to make a difference is when we go outside the LO's behavior gets much better. It could be because there is more space between them and they aren't trying to "share" so many toys, but rather running around. If this is an option, I would try it, it's been the only thing thus far that has seemed to help with us. And obviously, you should try to redirect, keep space between them and tell her to use gentle touches, but I'm sure you do all those already

[jilly]

Oh, this is such a hard age with a spirited child. My son used to be like this, and all you can do is be super vigilant - they don't always have much sense or self control at this age. It is super embarassing as a parent, but the only way she's going to learn to behave differently is with repeated, patient, consistent consequences. This is what I would suggest:

1. Don't expect to get anything done when the two of them are there together.
2. Spend some extra time with your dd before she sees her cousin, so her attention tank is "full" (read books or play with her or whatever she likes to do)
3. If its your space and you can control it, only let them play with things that you have enough of for them to share. Have a line up of activities to move them to or distract them -- playdoh, music to dance to, colouring, water play or other sensory play in the sink, small animals or dinosoars, snacks, etc. If you are out somewhere with family, bring some little things of playdoh and some small animals or dinos and some crayons so there are lots of distractions.
4. Sit with them and intervene every time she does something that is out of line. Yes, instruct and show her how to do things properly. But if that's not working, have one or two consequences that you can enforce over and over and over until it sinks in (it might take a year or two for it to sink in). I would do a time out (or time in if you prefer) for hitting and other aggressive things -- we can't play with friends if we're not going to treat them kindly. For screaming I would remind her to use her gentle voice, and if she won't, then just walk away (and take her cousin with you) in your home, so she's not getting the attention /reaction she wants, and if you're somehwere else, just pick her up and take her away, and remind her that we don't scream - it hurts people's ears.
5. When you get a chance, teach the cousin some words or signs he can use to defend himself. Then teach her to interpret them. For instance, if she grabs a toy, give it back to the cousin and say, "Cousin is playing with that toy. Choose something else. You may have a turn later." then you could say to the cousing "Say "Its my turn."
Fussy baby -- got to go. Hope some of that helps.

[prancie]

sounds to me liker your dd is not ready for one on one play yet. mine isn't either! plus, these visits may be causing her stress that is affecting her behavior. missed naps, more noise than usual, less attention from you etc. i would limit one on one time and concentrate on helping her recognize and cope with feeling overwhelmed.

[foodymama]

Originally Posted by nelson

My perspective is more from the other side, my DS is very gentle and he has a much more aggressive playmate, who we see often because are families are good friends.

nelson this must be hard. I know how bad I feel for my nephew even though I always try to get him out of harms (DD) way.

Originally Posted by jilly

Oh, this is such a hard age with a spirited child. My son used to be like this, and all you can do is be super vigilant - they don't always have much sense or self control at this age. It is super embarassing as a parent, but the only way she's going to learn to behave differently is with repeated, patient, consistent consequences. This is what I would suggest:

1. Don't expect to get anything done when the two of them are there together.
2. Spend some extra time with your dd before she sees her cousin, so her attention tank is "full" (read books or play with her or whatever she likes to do)

jilly, I agree it is super embarassing. Thank goodness my sister and I have a good relationship and she is understanding because I'm not sure how understanding others would be. I really liked your second suggestion. The problem with me is I do practice your first suggestion and don't try to get anything else done when the two of them are together except for things both of them enjoy. For instance, they both enjoy helping with the laundry and watching the washing machine agitate, go figure! But I'm not complaining, at least I get my laundry done and they are happy for a little while!

But where I fall short is I don't spend that one on one time with DD before my nephew gets to our house because I try to get all my other chores done before he comes. So, that's a time management problem of mine that I can correct.

Originally Posted by prancie

sounds to me liker your dd is not ready for one on one play yet. mine isn't either! plus, these visits may be causing her stress that is affecting her behavior. missed naps, more noise than usual, less attention from you etc. i would limit one on one time and concentrate on helping her recognize and cope with feeling overwhelmed.

I agree with all of this prancie except most of the time that I have my nephew it's not a choice it's out of necessity. We don't do play groups or play dates or even go to Sunday School because it it is just too stressful for DD and me!

[mamadelbosque]

Have you tried doing a regular playgroup/playdate? Once a week for a half hour or an hour? I'm sure its stressful, but at some point she needs to learn to share and how to act around other people/children/babies, you know? Can you go someplace where she can play & interact with kids, but if such behavior starts, you immediatly leave and go home? So she can learn what is/is not acceptable in an environment that is not 100% neccassary?? (ie you are not baby sitting a child, or visiting family where you can't simply pick up and go as soon as it starts?). IME moms of toddlers are fairly understanding of behavior such as the above, so long as it is acted on and not ignored...