Originally Posted by wife&mommy
I just knew if we ever had kids that I wanted to stay home with them like my mom did with me. I was having a rough time while pregnant and quit my job and from that point on I just stayed home. He wasn't thrilled with the idea, especially because of money, but did like that his kids were with their mom all day.
He's always wanted to do it though instead of me and have me go to work. He is extremely jealous because he wants to see the kids more. Not that he doesn't think I do anything or that he doesn't know how hard it is, but he honestly just wants to spend all day with the kids. It makes me feel bad.
I think he does expect me to work again. I had just graduated college when we got married and then not pregnant so I've really never used my degrees. I want to homeschool the kids though so I don't see myself going back for a while. I do make some money at home but it's not really a lot. We are pretty frugal and still have to stretch the budget. I am sure he would love it if I had more income.
Interesting. This sounds sort of like us, in a way. How has this impacted the dynamic of your relationship?
We're somewhat the same, somewhat different to you and your husband. I always felt that when we had kids that we would have one of us, probably me, stay at home for a while, at least while they were very young children.
And I talked to DH about this before we married, and he agreed! And I talked to him when we were newlyweds. And he still agreed, but in a "if it's possible" sort of way.
I also always felt it was my place to bring home some of the bacon. When we didn't have kids, I worked. I worked a lot. We had kids much later than I really wanted to, due to DH. We were married a long, long time before we had a baby. And I worked all those years, full time, and did almost all the household work. It was fine. DH was growing up, and he had a lot of things to learn. Also, he was sort of struggling or swirling, I guess, in his career. He wasn't using his degree properly and he started out not in his field, not getting paid what he should, and with no real goals or direction. I felt it was important for him to get settled in his career and build it so I helped support us economically while he said he was working on his career. He said it would take time. I would ask how much time and what his goals were and he said it was unclear. He did that for years.
I finally had enough and I just started applying for jobs for him. And he got one of them. It's the best job he's ever had, and he does OK with it. It's in his field. There are opportunities for promotions, if he wanted, which doesn't seem to be the case. He gets paid more than he ever has been paid.
Here's my real problem, I guess.
DH said we could have a SAHP if it were possible. That's what he said before we got married. And after.
But he's done really nothing to make it possible. He's basically just slumped and coasted, slumped and coasted, and the only reason he has the job he has now is because I applied for it for him.
There are many people with his degree and who work where he works who have a SAHP. He's got a degree that could get a salary to support our family very well. It would take some invigoration in him, though.
And then there's this. I'm still working. It's hard with a child!! It's so hard. I have to travel for work and I have meetings. I can't do it anymore. I'm so burned out, tired, frazzled.
I'm not as good an employee as I could be if I didn't have a baby, and I'm not as a good a mother as I could be if I didn't have a job.
And it's really taken a toll on our relationship. I resent DH because he expects me to work (and I sort of expect it myself given our situation and my position in life, really). But while he expects me to work, he doesn't really help balance and juggle two careers.
And his parents are real pieces of work. His mom stayed at home with him for most of his childhood, and they've been less than supportive, even though I have worked all these years and they know and they used to say that DH needed to get on a better track career-wise. They used to say that but now they are all about supporting DH no matter what. I swear, he could beat me or worse or he could get fired from his job or never get another raise again and they would think he was just fine and justified. They are so one-sided and dismissive of the real circumstances at play.
I feel so much like DH sort of led me to believe he believed the same things I did, and he just sort of promised things vaguely so that he'd never have to really deliver on anything, and that he really doesn't have the capacity to juggle two careers.
It makes me regret having a child with him. And staying married to him for so many darn years. I love my child very much and I don't regret having my child, but I regret the circumstances and wasting my life with DH, who really is not a partner in life or parenting.
He is so dismissive of SAHPing and SAHMs and he makes me feel like I am nothing/not career driven/not responsible/not smart for striving for more balance, whether it is by staying at home or getting more help from him while staying employed.
Some of my working friends don't understand how I might even consider quitting my job (they have careers similar to mine) but they also have husbands who do things to help them.
One friend is sick often, and her husband will stay home from work with her when she is sick to help out with childcare and around the house, and to take care of her. She works part time. My husband would never do this. Never. I have been really sick at times and he says to suck it up as he heads out the door and to use the tv as a babysiter if it's a day I don't have daycare (I also work part time).
Another friend has a husband who travels for work sometimes and then takes comp time or vacation afterward to let the family recuperate. So the wife only has to get through 3 or 4 hard days in a row while the husband travels and then they have some down time to recuperate.
My husband never does this. He travels and I pick up the slack around the house, and then he follows that up by his normal routine of working 10 or 12 hour days.
I'm so sick of it. I take care of all the school shut downs, breaks, holidays, sick days, doctor appointments, everything.
And I don't have a real husband who seems to care about me or us. I have a husband in name only. He gets a paycheck, he comes home and watches tv. He watches our child and plays in the evenings for an hour or two before bedtime. But there is no real engagment as a father or a husband.
And he swears way too much, too, if you push him on anything.
I'm so tired of his language on top of everything else.