Originally Posted by GoJoJo
OP, resentment and disappointment are impacting you majorly on this SAH issue. It sounds like you feel tricked...I'm a SAHM now, but felt I had been duped into going back to work by DH, although my own issues contributed, I realize - gee whiz, it's a complicated issue.
As newlyweds, DH and I weren't sure how we could financially make my SAHMing work, but then he received a pretty big inheritance and we also worked hard to save up about a year of living expenses as DINKs. DH actually said after we recvd the inheritance "now you can stay at home if we get pregnant" and I was just elated that he had gotten on the SAH bandwagon thoroughly and on his own - without me pushing the issue.
BUT, during the pregnancy, we decided I would tell my employer that I had every intention of coming back FT after 3 mos. We figured 1)my insurance thru work would continue during (completely unpaid) time off 2)maybe i would decide I really wanted to work. (How could I know how I would feel post-partum, right?) I had a larger salary than DH, but pretty much hated my stressful job and stupid work drama.
Somehow?? during those 10 mos. going back to work became like an expectation, rather than an option? We were making appts to visit daycares, home daycares, talking to MIL about moving down to care for baby, etc., and I realized that while making arrangements in case I went back, I had somehow complied with going back to work, for real. I was so filled with dread and resentment, but didn't feel like I was allowed to say 'NO, I don't want to do this.' I guess it's not DH's fault, but I still felt he had a part in this script-flip ,that he never truly thought I should be at home and whittle away the inheritance.
Anyhoo, I was laid off after 2.5 months (really difficult, sad 2.5 mos - struggling with thyroid disorder, PPD, a high-needs baby that would NEVER take a bottle)...Getting fired was the best thing that could have happened. I was off the hook, seemingly released from non-wage-earning guilt, and able to collect unemployment to help ease the financials.
That's all well and good, but like a PP said, this thread has really made me think about our decisions. What is our family's true philosophy on SAH? Why did I allow myself to be 'tricked'? Will I ever feel like I can stay home long-term, guilt free? It bothers me that i didn't assert myself on this issue, although it worked out for the best eventually.
With my shortcomings duly noted, I feel I can say to OP, you need and deserve more respect for your views on this. Disparaging comments re: SAH are just bogus! I don't even know how you could begin to argue with the "sugar-daddy" comment, b/c it's so ridiculous and baseless! aargh
Thank you. And
Yes, I agree. The sugar daddy comment from my H was one of the most ridiculous and offensive things he's said. Unfortunately, it wasn't just a heat of the moment comment. He's said it multiple times.
You are right. I shouldn't have to put up with his comments.
They are mostly baseless.
What I am most upset about is that I have worked and I have established a career. I mean, I have over $50,000 in retirement funds from working 10 plus years. I have more in retirement than my husband. I have a pretty good resume and I've got great references in my field. That didn't just happen. Sure, I put my resume to the test and my references aren't as current as they should be/used to be due to staying at home for a time, but that's fixable, hopefully.
Also, yes, I am definitely rusty at work now, working part time in my field. Going back to work after being out of the work force for about 2 years was difficult. I'm not as up to date as I once was. Work is very hard for me, but that's also because my focus is on parenting, not work.
I see some of my H's points. I mean, yes, some of his points are reasonable. But he takes it too far. And he's just mean and offensive.
I feel like he thinks that staying home makes me bad and lazy and unproductive no matter what.
Seriously, my H could inherit some money, which in reality is never going to happen, but even if he had a windfall, or I had a windfall, he would still not agree with staying at home and he'd question my work ethic and my feminism (what he's been saying lately).
I think it comes down to what you said. If he has to work, I have to work.
He's basically a putz. He still thinks and says that mowing the lawn is something he does for me. He still looks at doing things around the house as a favor to me.
I hope you find some way of resolving this.