Your partner's thoughts about staying at home - Page 3

[jolenegreen]

Well...I actually had to fight left and right to beable to stay home! Hubby believes that if he works...I WORK!!! I nagged and nagged and nagged and finally i guess he got sick of it cause here I am at home! Sometimes he throws it in my face as if we get into an argument or something...he will say to me "I WORK REMEMBER"...blah blah...

I wish he believed in me staying home, I wish he was one of those guys that WANTS their wife to stay home...but his father was the same exact way sooooo.....im sure he gets it from him!!!

And with 5 kids...we really dont have a choice in the matter...Daycare would be sooo expensive I would just be paying that!!!

[That Is Nice]

Originally Posted by GoJoJo

OP, resentment and disappointment are impacting you majorly on this SAH issue. It sounds like you feel tricked...I'm a SAHM now, but felt I had been duped into going back to work by DH, although my own issues contributed, I realize - gee whiz, it's a complicated issue.

As newlyweds, DH and I weren't sure how we could financially make my SAHMing work, but then he received a pretty big inheritance and we also worked hard to save up about a year of living expenses as DINKs. DH actually said after we recvd the inheritance "now you can stay at home if we get pregnant" and I was just elated that he had gotten on the SAH bandwagon thoroughly and on his own - without me pushing the issue.

BUT, during the pregnancy, we decided I would tell my employer that I had every intention of coming back FT after 3 mos. We figured 1)my insurance thru work would continue during (completely unpaid) time off 2)maybe i would decide I really wanted to work. (How could I know how I would feel post-partum, right?) I had a larger salary than DH, but pretty much hated my stressful job and stupid work drama.

Somehow?? during those 10 mos. going back to work became like an expectation, rather than an option? We were making appts to visit daycares, home daycares, talking to MIL about moving down to care for baby, etc., and I realized that while making arrangements in case I went back, I had somehow complied with going back to work, for real. I was so filled with dread and resentment, but didn't feel like I was allowed to say 'NO, I don't want to do this.' I guess it's not DH's fault, but I still felt he had a part in this script-flip ,that he never truly thought I should be at home and whittle away the inheritance.

Anyhoo, I was laid off after 2.5 months (really difficult, sad 2.5 mos - struggling with thyroid disorder, PPD, a high-needs baby that would NEVER take a bottle)...Getting fired was the best thing that could have happened. I was off the hook, seemingly released from non-wage-earning guilt, and able to collect unemployment to help ease the financials.

That's all well and good, but like a PP said, this thread has really made me think about our decisions. What is our family's true philosophy on SAH? Why did I allow myself to be 'tricked'? Will I ever feel like I can stay home long-term, guilt free? It bothers me that i didn't assert myself on this issue, although it worked out for the best eventually.

With my shortcomings duly noted, I feel I can say to OP, you need and deserve more respect for your views on this. Disparaging comments re: SAH are just bogus! I don't even know how you could begin to argue with the "sugar-daddy" comment, b/c it's so ridiculous and baseless! aargh

Thank you. And s

Yes, I agree. The sugar daddy comment from my H was one of the most ridiculous and offensive things he's said. Unfortunately, it wasn't just a heat of the moment comment. He's said it multiple times.

You are right. I shouldn't have to put up with his comments.

They are mostly baseless.

What I am most upset about is that I have worked and I have established a career. I mean, I have over $50,000 in retirement funds from working 10 plus years. I have more in retirement than my husband. I have a pretty good resume and I've got great references in my field. That didn't just happen. Sure, I put my resume to the test and my references aren't as current as they should be/used to be due to staying at home for a time, but that's fixable, hopefully.

Also, yes, I am definitely rusty at work now, working part time in my field. Going back to work after being out of the work force for about 2 years was difficult. I'm not as up to date as I once was. Work is very hard for me, but that's also because my focus is on parenting, not work.



I see some of my H's points. I mean, yes, some of his points are reasonable. But he takes it too far. And he's just mean and offensive.

I feel like he thinks that staying home makes me bad and lazy and unproductive no matter what.

Seriously, my H could inherit some money, which in reality is never going to happen, but even if he had a windfall, or I had a windfall, he would still not agree with staying at home and he'd question my work ethic and my feminism (what he's been saying lately).

I think it comes down to what you said. If he has to work, I have to work.

He's basically a putz. He still thinks and says that mowing the lawn is something he does for me. He still looks at doing things around the house as a favor to me.

Oh, well.

I hope you find some way of resolving this.

[That Is Nice]

Originally Posted by jolenegreen

Well...I actually had to fight left and right to beable to stay home! Hubby believes that if he works...I WORK!!! I nagged and nagged and nagged and finally i guess he got sick of it cause here I am at home! Sometimes he throws it in my face as if we get into an argument or something...he will say to me "I WORK REMEMBER"...blah blah...

I wish he believed in me staying home, I wish he was one of those guys that WANTS their wife to stay home...but his father was the same exact way sooooo.....im sure he gets it from him!!!

And with 5 kids...we really dont have a choice in the matter...Daycare would be sooo expensive I would just be paying that!!!

Yikes. That sounds so stressful.

I'll be the first to admit that H and I have only one child because of his attitude and my feelings towards him.

I think both of us would like to have a second child, but probably not with each other.

He wants to have his cake and eat it too. As in, he wants a wife who brings home the bacon and fries it up in the pan, but also does everything around the house. He wants Gloria Steinem AND June Cleaver all in one and he wants someone who doesn't mind him spending his time watching tv, listening to Podcasts, and playing video games, and who doesn't mind if he can't and doesn't mow the lawn well or do well in his career.

Does that person exist?

And I want a partner who either helps balance TWO careers by helping to juggle family and career, as most of my friends' husbands do (as in, a H who stays home with a sick kid now and then, takes paternity leave, helps out around the house) OR a husband who is OK with having a SAHP because he knows it would be hard to have his career AND my career and doesn't stick me with juggling everything while he works late and never takes time off AND who doesn't make derisive comments or call into questions my work ethic or career goals when I give up an otherwise good career to find more balance.

From reading on MDC it sounds like both of those descriptions do exist in real life, just not, unfortunately in the man I married.

Hey, but that can change!

[Beth1231]

My husband was less than thrilled to go down to one income. But after 10 months of daycare....I decided I was going to be a SAHM, end of story. Fast forward nearly a year and it's been an awesome adjustment. Less money for just about everything, but we make it work and my daughter is home with me. That's what is important to me. My husband comes home to a hot meal (usually) and a mostly clean home and a wife who isn't going to bite his head off because I've been fighting office politics all day. It's been a great year for our family. Lots of healing.

[Mummoth]

I was SAH when he got here! I get child support/tax benefit, so I do have some income. He was 35 and though he'd had some long term relationships, he'd never had someone who took care of everything at home... he still ~everyday~ thanks me for making dinner or compliments me on the meal. He's taught my kids by example, especially my son, who had a serious lack of respect for me. He appreciates having stuff done for him and comments on little things like clean sheets day, or a newly-organized rubbermaids cupboard. He saw how much effort I put into raising the kids, how important it is to me... he admires what I do. He's a school bus driver and says he's learned from me different ways of dealing with problems with the students.

[GoJoJo]

Originally Posted by Mummoth

I was SAH when he got here! I get child support/tax benefit, so I do have some income. He was 35 and though he'd had some long term relationships, he'd never had someone who took care of everything at home... he still ~everyday~ thanks me for making dinner or compliments me on the meal. He's taught my kids by example, especially my son, who had a serious lack of respect for me. He appreciates having stuff done for him and comments on little things like clean sheets day, or a newly-organized rubbermaids cupboard. He saw how much effort I put into raising the kids, how important it is to me... he admires what I do. He's a school bus driver and says he's learned from me different ways of dealing with problems with the students.

I love it! His (daily!) comments make me want to cry - so sweet! That kind of appreciation and feedback is just glorious. Every hard-working mama deserves the same.

[~Charlie's~Angel~]

I am very tickled to see you have finally started referring to him as H rather then DH.

[FishBounce]

For us it was an easy choice. If I went back to work, my entire check would go to daycare, plus some of his. Forget that.

With our boys, now that they're in school, I'd considered getting a p/t job just so I'd feel useful. Now that I'm pregnant again (finally!), we're not even worrying about my working.

[Sharlla]

with my ex there was the whole macho "no wife of mine is going to work" well when DS1 was 6 months I got a weekend job that turned into me working full time. We decided that daycare wasnt the right choice for our family so we decided that he would SAH since I loved working so much. So over the years he and I took turns SAH.

Now on my second marriage DH SAH and we are both really happy with that. He's running for congress so he can work on his campaign website and such at home and since I work sleep over nights I'm at home and awake during the day anyway.

[texmati]

subbing, We are thinking of taking the plunge to me sah!

DH made it clear when we were dating (20's) that he would support me in whichever path I chose. FWIW, he said the same thing last night.