Uncomfortable to write this but...

[emilyjace]

I'm not really feeling a connection with my 9 1/2 month old. I don't know if it's because he's a "spirited nursling" and is pinching me, twisting while we nurse, and otherwise making nursing unpleasant. Maybe it's because he only naps 1/2 hour twice a day and I can't get any time for myself. He's cute and funny and I love him but I don't feel that he's my "soulmate" like some moms gush. I've never questioned my desire to be a mom and I'm planning on having another but I'm afraid that his personality is wearing on me and I'm just getting tired of it. Anyone else??

[mamazee]

Honestly, with my first, I didn't have that feeling until she was over a year old. But I do feel it now.

It'll come back. Or come in the first place if you haven't felt it yet.

[mamazee]

Oh, also, it's potentially a sign of PPD, so watch out for other signs of depression.

again!

[Harmony96]

I feel/felt that same way w/ both my kids. DD was an uncomplicated hospital birth w/ BFing within an hour, yadda yadda, and I even had WANTED a girl, but bonding with her is STILL going on. There are lots of times where she doesn't really "feel" like she's "mine."

DS was a homebirth, and same thing. This time, the baby even looks like me instead of DH, but is the bonding any better? Nope, not so much.

Rather than a "love at first sight" it's a "love is b/c of all that we do for each other as we grow together."

[BlueWolf]

I know my feelings tend to run along this line of thought when I'm extremely tired and haven't even had a moment to myself in 5+ days. I mean, don't get me wrong... on my average day I'm borderline exhausted... but when it goes beyond exhaustion, I have a really hard time "enjoying" my DD.

[Norasmomma]

double post

[Norasmomma]

I've had phases of this especially with my DD from oh I'd say 14 months to even now that she's 3.5. Mostly it's due to overwhelming exhaustion and her non stop energy. She has been going since she could get going. Awhile back I told DH I sometimes didn't even want to be her mom As a baby it was easy, but as she matured and he attitude got bigger we butted heads a lot. While pg with DS it was often miserable, I had a small placental lift and so I had to be careful, coupled with a very active 2.5 y/o-not easy, nope not one bit.

I found it's gone in waves, I really do love her with all my heart, but having zero time and a highly active child is draining. Honestly it's become easier since DS's birth, she's realized the world doesn't revolve around her. She still has days where it is a battle, but I have different coping mechanisms now, and it way better.

Mama-I think most of us have felt that disconnection at some point, it's ok, but do watch for other signs of PPD and such it can happen even after 9 months.

[TzippityDoulah]

I have 3 kids and I go through times of this. If this was a sign of PPD it would be with other signs too... not JUST this one. (do you have other signs?)

that said, sometimes it can be hard as parents to realize that babies are people. some personalities hit it off famously with one another, and other personalities take work. just b/c they're our kids and we LOVE them endlessly, doesn't mean we naturally bond instantly to them personally. does that make sense? we love them as our child, but sometimes beyond that the relationship takes work.

when we have children we give and give and we can't help but expect a cerain ideal of love and gratitude back. But our children, like us, are very unique individuals. We have to get to know one another are our relationship needs proper care to flourish.

I have 2 high needs kids (one is actually SNs) and I find it incredibly difficult to feel like they are some kinda of soul mate (as you put it)/. I often time feel at odds with them in some ways just as much as I feel in love with them. this is normal. the relationship just needs nuturing. When take the time to love themf or who they are (difficulties, frustrations and all) I feel closer to them. I bring myself to their level and love on them ina way that makes THEM happy and then I find happiness too. But, when I let my frustrations about them get to me (like my 1 yr old nursling who drives me crazy and pull my hair and flicks my nipples and is incrredibly fussy b/c of teething) it pull us apart and i feel very much apart from him. I find him harder to love on and harder to enjoy. The best advise that I got a with this 3rd child of mine was to love on him the more he drove me crazy. and it works! when he's driving me particulalry crazy or I feel just discontent with out relationship, I take him to place/spot that I know HE enjoys and I just interact with him in a way HE likes. pretty soon our hearts are beating together and we're feeling joy together.

the more good memories you make with him now the sooner you'll feel closer to him.

[lolar2]

It can also be a sign of post-partum anxiety, without depression, so it may be worth getting checked out.

[happysmileylady]

While many moms will insist that it happened with them, I don't believe in the "instant bonding" that is so often depicted about giving birth to children.

Kids are people too. And just like it takes a while to fall in love with an adult, it's certainly reasonable to expect that it will take a while to fall in love with a child too. Especially when this person screams and cries all the time, demands your attention without regard to ANY of your wants and needs, and the entire relationship is totally one sided for quite a while.

[bananabee]

Originally Posted by HennyPenny

I have 3 kids and I go through times of this. If this was a sign of PPD it would be with other signs too... not JUST this one. (do you have other signs?)

that said, sometimes it can be hard as parents to realize that babies are people. some personalities hit it off famously with one another, and other personalities take work. just b/c they're our kids and we LOVE them endlessly, doesn't mean we naturally bond instantly to them personally. does that make sense? we love them as our child, but sometimes beyond that the relationship takes work.

when we have children we give and give and we can't help but expect a cerain ideal of love and gratitude back. But our children, like us, are very unique individuals. We have to get to know one another are our relationship needs proper care to flourish.

I have 2 high needs kids (one is actually SNs) and I find it incredibly difficult to feel like they are some kinda of soul mate (as you put it)/. I often time feel at odds with them in some ways just as much as I feel in love with them. this is normal. the relationship just needs nuturing. When take the time to love themf or who they are (difficulties, frustrations and all) I feel closer to them. I bring myself to their level and love on them ina way that makes THEM happy and then I find happiness too. But, when I let my frustrations about them get to me (like my 1 yr old nursling who drives me crazy and pull my hair and flicks my nipples and is incrredibly fussy b/c of teething) it pull us apart and i feel very much apart from him. I find him harder to love on and harder to enjoy. The best advise that I got a with this 3rd child of mine was to love on him the more he drove me crazy. and it works! when he's driving me particulalry crazy or I feel just discontent with out relationship, I take him to place/spot that I know HE enjoys and I just interact with him in a way HE likes. pretty soon our hearts are beating together and we're feeling joy together.

the more good memories you make with him now the sooner you'll feel closer to him.

I think this is very very good advice. As a child, I strongly felt like my mom didn't like me, and it has affected my relationships with everyone throughout my life. She recently admitted to me that she didn't like me and had hated dealing with me because I was such a difficult child. I realized then whose fault it was that I was so depressed and lonely as a kid, and told her that SHE was the adult in that situation and she should have found better ways to interact with me. We get along now okay, but I have had an incredibly long journey learning to make friends and bond with other people, especially women.

[ktmama]

I just want to say that I think what you're feeling could be a totally normal reaction to your nursing relationship with your son. Have you tried giving him a lovey or stuffy when you're nursing or setting some firm, but gentle limits? Please remember that you are half of that relationship and your feelings matter too. HUGS.

[ithappened]

I feel/felt that same way w/ both my kids. DD was an uncomplicated hospital birth w/ BFing within an hour, yadda yadda, and I even had WANTED a girl, but bonding with her is STILL going on. There are lots of times where she doesn't really "feel" like she's "mine."

I told some of our friends last month (DS is almost 5 months) that it often felt like someone had just dropped him off and decided to hang out with us.. I don't feel like a mom at all most days, I don't feel like he's 'mine' or my entire world either..

[HappyMommy2]

Originally Posted by emilyjace

...is pinching me, twisting while we nurse, and otherwise making nursing unpleasant. ...

I have found that when I am being hurt, I am unable to be the patient and loving Mom I aspire to be. If I get hit or pinched - I get mad! Twiddling and pinching during milkies is the worst.

Your DC is old enough to learn some nursing manners. To this day, I still need to hold the free hand of my 2.5 yo nursling, to keep her from rudely fondling the unused breast. I also tell her that she needs to be nice to Mommy, or put her hands down, (or whatever is happening) or the milkies will go away. Usually, she stops right away. If she continues, I unlatch her and then try again. If she still continues, that nursing session is over.

Yours may be a little young for all of that, but he can certainly stop hurting you during nursing. Maybe search here for "nursing manners" for tips from other mamas. I think that improving the nursing situation might help with your frustration towards him too.

Good luck mama!

[~Charlie's~Angel~]

Originally Posted by mamazee

Honestly, with my first, I didn't have that feeling until she was over a year old. But I do feel it now.

It'll come back. Or come in the first place if you haven't felt it yet.

For me it was about 6 months, but yea, It didnt happen right away for me either. And having a spirted child is very exhausting. Is there any way you can get away for some "you" time, and maybe to miss him a little?

Originally Posted by mamazee

Oh, also, it's potentially a sign of PPD, so watch out for other signs of depression.

I was gonna say this too.

[tzs]

i think that the perception of other peoples' bonding leads to such high standards i.e. "the instant bond," other mothers gushing about how in love they are, etc...that when our experience doesn't mirror all that we start to feel guilty and we start to feel like we don't have what it takes when really, we do have something it just doesn;t feel like anything in comparison. am i making any sense? it's hard to put into words.

i just have to say to the OP that it's great that you wrote in and that you are definately inspiring too, it made me feel like i wasn't alone when i feel like that. and yeah, it happens. mainly when i'm really tired (and i have a relatively "good" sleeper) and i haven;t had a break forever. i start thinking that even at 35 i'm obviously way too immature and selfish for this, that all i can think about is myself yada yada yada. but ya know, then i get a break, a good break and when it works i find myself missing her.

[Alisse]

I was warned by my pedo, mother in law, and a few friends that this might happen after i gave birth and was told to not let it make me feel like a bad mother. One friend in particular felt the way many of you have described; like someone had dropped off someone else's baby and that she didn't feel "a bond" to her son until many months afterwards. For this friend, she fell in love with her son when he was around a year old, then felt "the bond" 6months after that. My pediatrician friend claims that it partly has to do with PPD.

[Pandme]

While I agree in many cases it can be PPD, why can't it just be a normal reaction to a screaming, crying little stranger who takes everything and gives nothing? I am vaguely annoyed with this notion that a woman must depressed if she doesn't feel the love during what can be a hideously difficult phase.

[Comtessa]

Everyone has these moments! Especially when the kid won't sleep and is crabby or teething or sick or clingy or otherwise high-needs. On days that I'm really going bonkers with DD and just want to leave her on the neighbor's doorstep, I call up my mother or MIL (thank heaven for Grandmas!) and ask them to watch her while DH and I go out to dinner or to a movie or something. When we get back, and she crawls over to us with that big "I missed you Mama" smile, everything seems easier somehow. If no grandmas are around, I hand her to DH while I take a bath or nap. Even a short break helps.

I really liked what HennyPenny wrote about taking a break to focus on your child's needs - I've found that I get most frustrated with DD when I'm trying to do something and she's demanding something from me - i.e., clinging to my legs while I'm trying to cook, etc. When I really feel most frustrated, I have to realize that it's my problem, not hers - she just wants her mother to be more present. I'm the one who's trying to do too much. So I often have to let something go, tell DH to pick up a pizza for dinner, put off the paperwork until she's asleep, etc. And we just take a walk to the park and I tell her about the birds or something. When I turn my attention completely to her, focus on her needs and pace myself to her, I find that we get along better. Sometimes it's as easy as playing "this little piggy" or peek-a-boo for 20 minutes. Other times, I have to turn on loud music and dance until she giggles. It sounds kooky, but it works.

One other thing that I read somewhere is, when you're really feeling fed up, have someone you can call and say, "remind me of all the reasons why my child is the most lovable person on earth." Grandmas are good for this, too. You can also make a book of photos of your baby's earliest hours and look at them when you get frustrated -- remembering your child as a newborn can elicit a surge of oxytocin that can help calm you and make you feel closer to your LO.

[arb]

I wanted to reply specifically to the issue of pinching while nursing. This was one of the most trying things I went through, patience-wise, with my daughter. I can't quite explain WHY it bothered me as much as it did, but it really, really bothered me. My frustration with her over this (at a similar age to yours, I might add) led me once to practically throw her in her crib and stomp out of the room! I knew it wasn't rational but it just made me want to jump out of my skin. So, I hear you, and don't feel bad about how much this irritates you. It IS irritating, but it will pass.