Maybe the better question is "Why would I feel like I haven't done enough?"

[peaceful_mama]

A couple days ago, I had a discipline incident with my son (5) that had me questioning "at what age is old enough to use "grounding"--as in the next day--as a punishment?"

I didn't post that question here....because I started to think that possibly the better question would be "Why would I feel like that step might be necessary for a child this young?"

Or in other words "Does anyone else have the inner voice that says maybe you need to 'crack down' more, no matter what age your kid is, and how do you ignore it when you need to?"

(The specifics of the incident really don't matter, the point is I came to a conclusion that the consequence--end of outside playtime for the evening, also missing time with 'best friend' outside when he came home--was suitable. Also that 5 is still very young and that this particular incident might simply indicate that he needs more supervision in that situation for awhile.)

[aidanraynesmom]

You know I really do. Sometimes I feel like I'm tired of "making excuses for him," like when they're toddlers its that they're tired or keeping developmental appropriate-ness in mind. I know that not what I'm doing but it feels like it sometimes.

For me I think its bc I'm pregnant again and he just looks SO big! He is really mature and articulate, and always has seemed older than he is. I think I'm just expecting too much from him. He handles life so well (military daddy) so when I need to correct him, or he defies me (acts his age) its off-putting.

Until this point I've been against punishment for discipline, and really haven't had to use any other methods except reminders and gentleness. I still don't agree with punishment but its hard to come up with and always hard to follow through on natural consequences. I've been trying to get him to quit leaving his stuff around the house. Usually I'm annoyed and threaten to throw it away. I did it a few days ago and my usually calm dude cried his little eyes out, over a piece of paper. I felt guilty as heck, I mean the kid is only 5 and the bottom line is that most adults forget stuff like that so how can expect him to not or to not get distracted? I think its still really important to consider age and abilities.

At 5, and for my ds, I think any punishment that lasted until the next day is inappropriate (I don't agree with punishment so take it FWIW). It just doesn't teach anything but resentment in an older child and a younger one just wouldn't get it. However, if you are keeping him in because of something he did with these kids, or he was being unsafe (like playing too near the street or something), then that would warrant a logical consequence. If I can't trust you then you need to stay in for a while until you think of a way to remember how to act appropriately. Again I think that 5 is too young for that though.

I guess to answer your question, I try to remember that though he looks young, he really isn't mentally capable of what I expect. As far as needing more supervision, I think at 5 they'll still need a lot of it for social situations for a while yet. I usually sort of hover at a distance and let him have a minute to work on it but step in when I think they need it. Its REALLY hard to just let him though!

Lordy that's a jumbled mess! Lol, sorry, its late and I have pregnant brain!

[BellinghamCrunchie]

I think most of us have that inner voice. And its not really and truly our own inner voice; its the decades of cultural and familial influences which we can't help but incorporate into ourselves (its what humans do).

I usually ignore it, or redirect those thoughts by trying to think of a positive solution to the problem (e.g. get him a watch, or know that you have to call a 5 year old when its time to come in, etc). I usually only have those thoughts when I'm irritated or angry. I'd rather do nothing at the time than implement a consequence before I've had time to be calmer and think it through.

[peaceful_mama]

I think that is a good thing to keep in mind....unlike my 1 year old, or even my 3 year old, my 5 year old is now a lot more capable of remembering and discussing a situation later. So I *could* save 'consequences' sometimes till I've had a minute to think.

The only time i think it really might be appropriate to have something that goes over into the next day is if something happens at the end of the day--like not coming home on time for an older child. Let's say you've told them the time, they have a watch, and they've chosen to ignore it. It might then be appropriate to tell them they lose the opportunity to go off on their own the next day.

[SallyN]

I concur with Bellingham. I've had that voice. And it tends to be when the issue is *me*... when *I'm* tired, worn-out, have been hurt, haven't had my own needs met, etc.
It's hard work to overcome that "I'll teach them" vindictive mentality that is so prevalent in our society - not just with regards to children but to other adults that hurt us.