Marriage Problems....this is hard.

[otherme]

This is very long and poorly written lol.

I am not sure if this is the best place to put this. I have been looking for 30 mintues for parents and partners lol.

Dh and I had been at each others throats and distant at the same time for the last 6 months.

We have really no idea what had happend. I will add we have a 3 yr ds and also a 8 month ds.

We have noticed this problem and told each other we will work on it and try to get back to what it used to be but it has not happend yet.

This is not an intimacy problem ironically that is fine. Although it seems like we may not be totally in the moment when we do dtd. Does that make since?

I will try to describe our problems as best as possible.

I am incredibly naggy lately. Not sure why but I will admit that yes I am. I hate that about me right now. Especially since thats the most annoying thing about my mom that I cannot stand!

Dh hates his job. Basically he is the only one that does the work and he gets crappy, always changing, hours. After all he works at the store that has "Always low prices!" ya not the greatest.

He has always became easily bored with his jobs after a couple of years and ends up finding a different job.

I dont know if its just stress from his part or what but we have like zero communication except for the usuall "What time you work tomarrow?" " what did you do today?" "what do you want for dinner?"

He has said that our marriage lately had been too "rountine". He knows that when he comes home that I will have dinner done, ill clean , give kids a bath, he will take a shower, then we will go to bed.

Not real sure what he means because I asked him what we could do to change that and he says "I dont know, Nothing?"

We usually bicker the whole time he is home. its not fun.

To me he just seems distant. It really hurts. I am not sure if its from work or what but I can tell something is bothering him.

I think this is why I am constantly nagging him because it makes me feel like its something I am doing wrong. I just want us back to the way it used to be. We hardly ever touch each other beside dtd and I miss that.

We have tried to incorporate a date night aleast once every couple of weeks the last 2 months. Before then we had not gone out by ourselves for 3 or so years. Usually on our date nite we eat then rush home to the kids agian. He never wants to stay out. Its like he lost all interest. Also when he is home and if I have him run to the store and I say we will go too he usually wants to go alone " Im just running to the store I will be right back. It will take more time to strap the kids in the car seats" And also I know there is NOTHING going on as far as infedelity so please dont suggest that. The man is always here or at work he has no time for that.

Basically I just want my husband back and I know he wants that too. We just got to figure out how to do that. Anyone else go through this? How long did it take? Is this normal??

[windsorheightsmom]

It sounds like you could benefit from some marriage counseling. In many communities there are centers that offer counseling on a sliding scale. Or, if you belong to a church, maybe there is someone who helps couples with communication.

You obviously have a lot to talk through with him, and having a neutral third party there would be helpful. Don't throw in the towel! Most marriages have ups and downs.

[number572]

Change up the routine a little? Keep what you need to do (kids dinner, kids bath, bedtimes, etc) and make little alterations like what you cook, have buffet night or make your own pizzas night, breakfast for dinner, eating on the living room floor picnic style or in the backyard when the weather is nice? Move furniture around and get some energy running thru the house. If you can afford it you could go away somewhere close if you just have the weekend and stay in a cabin or hotel as a mini family vacation. Changing my hair helps break my general mood out of a rut sometimes. Does taking a class together sound fun? Maybe having someone come in & help watch the kids while you two work on a project in the house? Take a bath together instead of a shower and just sit in the tub & talk & laugh? Flirt with each other & talk about things that you don't know about each other yet. It all sounds trite, but "little sparks lead to big fires" and all that. He'd benefit from thinking of ways he'd like the relationship to be enlivened too, you can't know what will really do it for him I don't think, but working on spicing up your own days could spill over to him & get him inspired to add some zest to his life and the relationship.

[A&A]

Give each other long backrubs, with no talking, and no expectations of sex afterward. It really helps us!

And yes, these "blah" periods of marriage are definitely normal!

[crunchy_mommy]

We've been having some similar problems lately. DH & I are both tired & stressed, I hate my job, he has a new, more demanding job, we have a very difficult 14mo, and it's just... tough. It's easier to do errands alone so we don't have to get DS in & out of the car. It's hard to spend time talking or cuddling because DS goes to bed very very late. One thing I want to start doing is giving DH a hug & kiss when he gets home from work. I've been trying to remember to do that but I often forget and just hand him the baby & go do my thing. Also I am trying to incorporate him into some of my & DS's activities. For example, I'll take DS to the playground at the end of the day & have DH meet us there on his way home from work. Yesterday DH suggested we do a dinner picnic at the beach... that was really nice because DS enjoys being outside so DH & I had a little time to relax & reconnect a bit since we weren't so busy keeping DS calm & happy. Nice change of pace. We went out once on a "date night" but only stayed out 45 minutes & we didn't really find it all that beneficial to our relationship. I don't know what else to say because we really are in a very similar situation. I don't feel like DH truly opens up to me (emotionally) and of course when he does I end up feeling kind of hurt (because it's always something negative) so we tend to get more & more closed off to each other. How long have you guys been married? Would your DH be receptive to marriage counseling (even just a couple sessions to spark a conversation about what's going on?) Would something more open-ended (a long weekend away, just the two of you) help you guys to sort things out? Does he recognize that there are issues in your relationship, or does he seem to think everything's great?

[otherme]

wow thanks you hit the nail on the head.

I think changing up the routine is gonna be a must.

We took DS (3yr) fishing last week. ( we have not done this with ds before) and that seemed like a good time.

crunchy_mommy its sounds just like us.
Its sad but we hardly ever kiss anymore either and when we do its in a hurry.

Marriage counseling I dont think would work for us because Dh is not a very expressive person. I do think that getting away for a weekend would be helpful.

A little background on me I am an extremely protective mom. I never been away from our kids more then a few hours. My mom is the only other person besides my DH that I trust.
I think the first day of being away would be stressful but I need to learn to not be with them 24/7. This could very well be our biggest problem.

I love our kids to death but 3 yrs of constant mommy and their being no just wife is probably a stressor.

I feel much better!! Plus Dh called on his lunch and was in a great mood so I hope that continues for the day. Its the weekend!

ETA Crunchy_mommy question: Yes he does realize there are issues. He was actually the first one to address them. We both knew for a while just no one wanted to be the one to say it.
Also we have been married for 3 yrs and together for 10 yrs.

[crunchy_mommy]

LOL I feel like I am talking to myself because you sound so much like us. My DS is only 14mos but in all that time I have never been away from him for more than 2 hours (and even that has been very very rare). I don't trust anyone else to watch him (at least not yet) and he nurses too often anyway. I think a getaway would be good for you guys, but if you're reluctant, or even just in the meantime, definitely try to change things up a bit. Do your kids go to bed early? I feel like late bedtime is one of our biggests stressors. If you & DH can manage to get 2-3 hours together every night, you could have movie night, game night, etc. and maybe bake a special dessert to share with him or save dinner for after the kids are asleep. I don't know if you guys cosleep but if so, move the kids to the edges of the bed for 1/2 an hour or so and you & DH can spend some time cuddling & talking before going to sleep. We try to do that if DS happens to fall asleep early (early means before 11pm). OHHH and another idea I had that I have yet to follow through with is, when I have complaints about DH that I would normally verbalize, I want to try writing them down & putting them in a box or something. Then at the end of the week I can either go through them & see if there's anything serious I need to discuss, or better yet, just throw them away... I definitely need to bite my tongue more. But anyway, just finding things to do as a family, that your kids will enjoy -- so there's no chasing & whining & crying -- might help too. The beach, the park, walks with them in a stroller or something, the zoo, etc. I have to say, I know it's important to make time for your spouse, but I don't feel like it HAS to be away from the kids. You are all a family now -- there is no more "husband & wife", now it's "husband, wife, & kids" and no matter where you go or how far you are from your kids, they will always be in your mind & they will always be part of your relationship. That's good, that's normal, you just have to find a way to work with it.

I think I'm giving myself a pep talk as well as you.

[otherme]

yep, yep, and yep

The kiddos get to bed around 9pm ds(3) sleeps in his own room usually.

ds(8m) has a crib and will usually sleep there until 3 am for his night nursing.

Dh is ready for bed at 10:00 lol
But yes we will try these ideas thanks so much. I am liking the box idea. That is problem and he even said it also that I sometimes I hurt his feelings because I talk without thinking them through.

On our way to being better I will update you guys in about a week or so.

[ms.shell]

hi, mamas. i was reading your "box" idea, and i was thinking that it might be a better thing, instead of to write down complaints, is when you have one and write it, to turn it into a positive thing. I was just liking the concept behind this idea a lot, but thinking for myself i would not feel right about writing out negative things. and they say that positive energy is more powerful than negative. so like, instead of saying, i don't know, "i hate when you watch tv and leave me to get dinner and deal with kids at the same time," i could write down, "i love it when you help cook dinner so i can listen to the kids," or/and "i love it when you play with the kids while i am cooking dinner." then the box becomes a positive suggestion box instead of nag box. you could still let some things go so that it doesn't feel like there are too many suggestions, lol. just a thought.
good luck!

[crunchy_mommy]

Hmm interesting! I *try* to be positive but even with the positive spin on things I still feel like I'm always nagging/suggesting something... But I do think one of the reasons I haven't followed through on my own idea is because I don't want to write down negative things! So I guess maybe some combination of just letting things go and writing down the things I can't let go, in a positive way... that may work.

[2cutiekitties]

Parents as Partners is a sub-forum in the Life as a Parent section in the Parenting section. You need so many posts to view it and post there because it is protected. I dont think it will be cached and show up in google, like other threads can.

I highly, highly rec getting your post count up so you can at least read it. It has saved my soul. It is helpful to read others problems (lots of patterns), solutions, theories, etc. A lot of people post what their therapist would say and do and it really has given me some tools to communicate better.

[Pirogi]

One other thing to consider ... you said this has been going on for about 6 months, and your DS is about 8 months. Is it possible you have PPD?

[number572]

We just watched this series over the last couple nights online & its really good. They have a free trial if you're not a member. There is a specific segment that made me think of your thread but I can't link that specific one w/o signing in (was entitled relationships or something), so here's a link to the series. Really good series, left us with alot to talk about & think about.

http://www.netflix.com/Movie/This_Em...r&trkid=222336

[otherme]

Ok I am posting our progress now.

The last coupoe of days have been the hardest.

Dh acts as though he may be depressed. He is the type to absolutly refuse a doctor so I am going to be picking up some st. Johns Wort today.

I knew something else was bothering him when he said he just wanted to leave for a few days and then we would see what happens.

I kept asking just to tell me what was wrong and we could get over it. His grandmother called me saying she thought it was another women

So I asked him if he was cheating and he said no. I said it does not have to be physical to be cheating. He finally said he works with a girl ( whom I know also) and they just have everyday normal conversations and since He is always at work he feels like she feels the "void" of not being able to talk to me. He said he does not find her attractive at all ( I really hope he didnt because not to be mean I didnt think he could) but he said he hates that he let that come between us and he is no longer going to talk to her anymore. ( He knows I will know if he is, He really feels bad and I think realized he almost lost his family over this)

This woman lost her child back a year ago and everyone in there department has helped her so much and she feels like she can talk to them about her problems and I think this is were it steams from. ( lots and lots of other things has happend to this woman that somehow makes me feel like crap that he feels sorry for her. This that happend to her kid was bound to happen and shes got a tons more of things that makes me as a mother want to puke but I wont get into that.)

I on the other hand never hardly go anywear with the kids through out the day and so I never have anything to talk about hince the reason for the fighting and constant "routine".


We got everything out and talked about and I think we are on the upside.


Tonite my mother is watching the kids for a little while so we can have a date nite.

Thanks for all your help!!

[~Charlie's~Angel~]

Originally Posted by 2cutiekitties

Parents as Partners is a sub-forum in the Life as a Parent section in the Parenting section. You need so many posts to view it and post there because it is protected. I dont think it will be cached and show up in google, like other threads can.

I highly, highly rec getting your post count up so you can at least read it. It has saved my soul. It is helpful to read others problems (lots of patterns), solutions, theories, etc. A lot of people post what their therapist would say and do and it really has given me some tools to communicate better.

You could also make a very inexpensive contribution to become a Supporting Member (I think I paid 5 bucks) That should also get oyu access. I agree, PaP is a lifesavor!