DD constantly making excuses

[loraxc]

Whenever we reprimand or correct DD for something, she has an excuse or an argument. "I didn't mean to," "I was just trying to..." "I wasn't..." "I was just...", "I didn't X, I just...." "It was an accident!" This is the case even when her argument is just ludicrously false.

We do not punish very often. She does get sent to her room on occasion, but I don't think she is doing this because of fear of consequences. I think she just hates to lose face and/or hates to be corrected.

Ideas for dealing with this? Perhaps we should just ignore it and not respond? Sometimes, though, I really feel like I need JUST "I'm sorry" or a "I won't do it again" and it really grates to hear the extraneous excuse-making.

Also, this habit is pretty unattractive and does not endear her to other authority figures. She is a great kid, but has always had an issue with correcting others, wanting to be right, and arguing with adults.

[NellieKatz]

My son does that too, but it's clear that it's because I have been very judgemental and critical. And in the past we used punishments too.

He wants me to like him and what he does. What kid wouldn't want his mom to be happy with him? Being "out of favor" with Mom is a rotten place to be. So when I see him being defensive (and criticizing other kids for breaking rules) it's just a nasty reflection of the effects of my former parenting methods. He clearly doesn't feel too safe making mistakes.
:-(

[mysticmomma]

Is your dd by any chance 5?

[ssh]

She's probably already developed a personal sense of ethics. So she has a strong desire to live up to her own self image. She thinks of herself as doing the right thing and being a good person so when she does something wrong she feels bad and needs to convince herself and you that the behavior was unplanned and accidental. Maybe focusing on the behavior as separate from her would help. When you do reprimand you could also just focus on the behavior. For example "that sounds a bit rude" instead of "you're being rude". Sometimes I 'll tell my DD "I think xyz is probably a bad idea, maybe you shouldn't do that". This wording gives my DD the opportunity to correct her own behavior. Also emphasizing that everyone makes mistakes and does things they regret could help too.

[nextcommercial]

I don't have any good ideas. But, my daughter is almost grown, and STILL does this. It's not something they outgrow. I think personal responsibility needs to be taught.

Looking back, I made SO many excuses for her when someone else was upset, or she didn't do what she should. For instance, if she didn't turn in an assignemt on time, I tried to excuse her lack of responsibilty in front of others. I didn't want her to look bad to other people, so I would say something that might make it look like it wasn't her fault.

Obviously, she caught onto this.

If I could have a do-over, I would make her take her own consequenses, and not care what others thought. I don't like that she's always blaming something or someone for everything that happens to her.

It's a character flaw that I wish I hadn't instilled in her.

[loraxc]

Originally Posted by ssh

She's probably already developed a personal sense of ethics. So she has a strong desire to live up to her own self image. She thinks of herself as doing the right thing and being a good person so when she does something wrong she feels bad and needs to convince herself and you that the behavior was unplanned and accidental. Maybe focusing on the behavior as separate from her would help. When you do reprimand you could also just focus on the behavior. For example "that sounds a bit rude" instead of "you're being rude". Sometimes I 'll tell my DD "I think xyz is probably a bad idea, maybe you shouldn't do that". This wording gives my DD the opportunity to correct her own behavior. Also emphasizing that everyone makes mistakes and does things they regret could help too.

This is a really helpful response--thank you. Yes, she does have a very strong sense of ethics and is obsessed with right/wrong, fair/unfair, etc. I like the idea of finding a way to help her save face.

I think personal responsibility needs to be taught.

It does make me think of adults who shirk blame, and that's very upsetting to me. That said, you may have just helped me realize that I am overreacting to DD BECAUSE she reminds me of bad adult behavior that I find especially reprehensible.

[LaLaLaLa]

I can commiserate. DD is five and DS is four. This is a common conversation:

Me, walking into a room and seeing a behavior I don't like: "Please, DD and DS, don't ___________."

DD: "It was DS' idea!"

DS: "No, DD started it!"

Me: "I didn't ASK who started it or whose idea it was. I just SAID STOP."

Arguments continue, over who is to blame. I find it incredibly annoying when I'm not trying to blame anyone, punish anyone, or figure out whose fault something is. I just want them to stop doing something, and they feel the need to keep trying to get the other one in trouble. Ugh. I'm hoping this behavior will be outgrown, and quickly. I certainly don't feel like I feed into it in any way; I think it's just natural for kids to get to an age where they try to deflect negative reaction to their behavior.

[One_Girl]

It could be that her excuses are valid when they aren't blatantly false. Kids are very impulsive and they often don't mean to do things that we find infuriating. They often want to just be helpful or just look at something like adults do and then an accident happens and I think it is as frustrating for them as it is for us as parents. I think it is important to listen and validate as much as possible while also asking children to come up with a solution for the future. I don't think that these comments are necessarily even excuses. If people do something on accident they try to explain it so it doesn't seem intentional. Kids just tend to have more accidents because their bodies and abilities don't always line up. I find that I hear those types of excuses a lot more frequently when I am less focused on listening and when I overreact to something that really was just an accident.

[coffeegirl]

In addition to the other replies, could your DD also be modelling this behaviour from others in the family? I've seen this kind of thing before, I've been this way before actually, and it was primarily because a.) I saw others in the family do it themselves and b.) like another pp said, my mother was constantly making excuses for me and I heard her do this, and got into the habit. It still creeps up on me and I have to be conscious of it to combat it in myself.

So, I don't know....maybe you could make a point of, when you're accused of something (even something really small, like eating the last of the cereal or something), make a point of just accepting responsibility for it. "Yes, I did. I'm sorry"...and then that's it, no more excuses, not getting defensive. Maybe you can get your partner to make a point of also doing this more often, and then the other person can make a point of accepting the apology of the other person gracefully, etc. Just modelling behaviour.

[rainbringer]

Have you read the book Mindset? The author talks about how when we are in a fixed mindset, it is hard to take any criticism because it's like the criticism means we're not a good person - so that's when adults or children are likely to make excuses. When we can shift to a growth mindset, we're able to see criticism as a way to help us learn.

Also, what happens when you tell her that all you want to hear is "I'm sorry, I won't do it again" - maybe she doesn't realize what you and other authority figures are expecting?

[mama2toomany]

My 12 year old does this too. His thing is "Oh, I forgot, I wasn't allowed to break my sisters toys".

Yeah, no you didn't forget, you know your not suppose to break things, especially things that do not belong to you.

I do not allow I forgot for things like this anymore. Basic right and wrong I do not allow I forgot.

[loraxc]

I have always made a really big point of apologizing to her when I screw up, so in that sense I do not think I'm modeling it (DH doesn't either). And we definitely do not make excuses for her to others--if anything, we tend to be too hard on her, I think.

Have you read the book Mindset? The author talks about how when we are in a fixed mindset, it is hard to take any criticism because it's like the criticism means we're not a good person - so that's when adults or children are likely to make excuses. When we can shift to a growth mindset, we're able to see criticism as a way to help us learn.

Also, what happens when you tell her that all you want to hear is "I'm sorry, I won't do it again" - maybe she doesn't realize what you and other authority figures are expecting?

I have been meaning to read that book. DD definitely has a tendency to be rigid.

She has been told many times how we would like her to respond.