How do I handle this?

[CharmedX9]

Ok this is my first post here...so Hello every body! I am going to jump right in with a combination rant/cry for some constructive opinions. Here we go.

I have a blended family with seven kids. My two children live with us. The oldest three of my hubbys kids are all over 16 and live with thier mom or grandma. No problems there. The youngest two, we call the "little boys" live with thier mom (different mom than the first three kids) and we have visitation....of sorts. Two years ago we moved back to the same town as the little boys so that we could have more parenting time with them and to alleviate the need to pay day care as I am an at home mom and can take them whenever thier mom is working. Things were working out fine for awhile, we presented a cohesive family unit, doing birthday parties and even christmas, thanksgiving and halloween with the little boys and thier mom. In the past few months she has been basically dictating when we can have the little boys with little or no notice at all. She has been talking bad about my husband to me and has made it clear that she does not consider my position in the boys lives (or my kids position) to be important....my husband currently works weekends so on our parenting time weeks she will make plans for the little boys and inform us that they are not coming. She also makes plans for them on the Wednesdays that we have them which is my husbands only day of the week he gets to spend any real time with them. We have approached her with a different parenting schedule for the little boys and she says in one sentence that she is willing to work with us and in the next sentence that she only wants the boys to be here when their dad is here...that my plans with my kids and the little boys don't matter, dont count and are not a priority. We are filing a parenting plan modification in court on Monday and I have a really bad feeling that things may get a bit ugly. My question here is how do I handle communication with her once these papers are filed and she is aware that we are persuing a parenting plan that she is opposed to? I am the one who communicates with her regarding the boys schedule because my husband works nights so I am the one picking the boys up etc....so basically I can't avoid talking to her while this is being worked out but I am just not sure how to handle it. Any helpful suggestions?

[brookie514]

Things are going to get ugly, so go ahead and prepare yourself for that! Sounds like you guys were getting along great, but then something happened. Any idea what that was? Did she lose a loved one? Or change jobs? Or maybe the little boys called you mom and it ruffled her feathers?? I'm grasping at straws here, but can you think of anything that would make her act that way? Sounds like since she only wants the boys there when dad is there, the issue has something to do with you. Not saying you did anything, but it just really does seem that way. Since you are the one doing the communicating, I would go to email. That way everything is in writing. Is there a parenting plan now that specifies how much time dad gets? Is she violating that plan? If she wants them to go to daycare and not stay with you, then she needs to be the one paying for daycare. She has a free alternative, and if she chooses not to use it, then she can foot the bill.
Good luck with your modification!!! Hopefully whatever is bothering her can be worked out! Those boys deserve that!

[Oriole]

Sounds like she is starting to feel a bit insecure about your role in their lives. It's both understandable, and tough to deal with.

I would have your partner arrange all pick ups / drop offs, and ask her to call him if she needs to reschedule. This is really much easier if he is doing all the talking. This is what we did, even when DP worked late, and I had to do the driving. The parents still communicated with each other, and all I did is just picked up or dropped off (DSD's mom was never happy about it, but it is what it is).

I would also have a schedule set on paper: these are the days when the boys are coming over. She doesn't need the details of who is where. They are part of their dad's life, and you are part of his life. It simply becomes a package deal at certain point. Something to be said for a set schedule, that makes it easier for the kids to know "hey, these days we are at our dad's and these days we are at mom's".

What does your lawyer say on this subject? I'm not very good with legal advice, but I would consult a lawyer if I were in your shoes.
Best of luck!

[waterproofmascara]

Just playing devil's advocate here, but I do see where the bio-mom is coming from. The visitation is supposed to be with your husband, and the boys should only be there when the husband is there. Legally you do not have any rights to the boys. (Don't get mad here- keep reading)

I had a problem with dd's sm being unkind to her when dad wasn't there so I said no more. (I know this isn't your case though. Just wanted to let you know of my experience as a bio-mom.) If dad can't be there, neither can dd. Ex really doesn't give a flip if dd is there or not (and actually asked for and got less visitation than what I offered), and didn't contest it. My lawyer said that if dad isn't there to see dd, then legally she does not have to go, and the judge agreed.

In you case I would suggest having papers drawn that state that dh will have the boys from x to x, and that if needed you will be in control of the boys until dh gets home. That should eliminate some of the problems on your end.


As for scheduling things during your time- that is not okay. If it's a birthday party or sports practice that she has no control over, yeah, you should just take him. But other than that, nope, sorry, my time, my activities. I would also be sure and include something to cover this in the parenting plan as well.

You should definitely see a lawyer. And I wouldn't worry about it getting ugly. She doesn't get to make decision for both houses, and she is the one who chose to change the rules; not you and dh. She is just gonna have to face the consequences. But I do agree with letting dh do all the communicating, and I suggest that he do it through written communications so you have proof of it if she tries to change her mind later and say it didn't happen.

Good luck, and I hope it turns out well for you!

[VocalMinority]

Originally Posted by brookie514

I would go to email. That way everything is in writing.

Email is indispensible, if there's going to be ugliness in court. My husband would not have custody of his son today, without it.

It avoids misrepresentation of what you said, unreasonable accusations about your tone of voice or body language, etc. It also shows that you are making the effort to communicate clearly and effectively. If she won't respond to your emails, or won't do what she says she will in her messages, it helps show the court which parent is the one causing the breakdown.

But of course, you can't avoid talking to her if you're picking up the kids. Email her in advance. Then try to keep face-to-face talk light. If she wants to discuss court details, be kind but firm. You're not the one to discuss this stuff with, you're just the step-mom, you're just here to pick up the kids. If, in person, she goes back on agreements you've made through email - such as saying you can't pick up the boys, after all - follow up with a detailed email: "This afternoon, when I arrived at 4pm to pick up the boys, you said they could not go with me because you'd scheduled a play-date for them. Husband and I very much want to reschedule this parenting time. Tomorrow at 4 would work for us. Please write back and let us know if you agree." Keep in mind that you are writing this primarily for a third party to read, so be above reproach and be specific.

[mtiger]

Is there a Right of First Refusal in the visitation order?

[greenemami]

Originally Posted by mtiger

Is there a Right of First Refusal in the visitation order?

this was going to be my question as well-is it written into their agreement that either parent has to offer time the kids would otherwise be with a sitter to the other parent? Sometimes stepparents are included as a "sitter", sometimes not. Definitely check this to see if she is within her rights to refuse the time to you.

How often is your husband not present for his parenting time? Honestly, if the kids are with you most of the time, I could see how she might be annoyed. Can you imagine how your dh would feel if his kids were essentially going to spend parenting time with a stepfather when they could otherwise be with him? I'm not saying that is the way it is, but we have dealt with dsd going to her grandparents on her mom's weekend, and it was really frustrating to dp that he didn't have the option to have her instead.

However, if it is just an occasoional thing where you have them for a few hours until your dh gets home, I think you are fine. Maybe you could offer to rework the parenting time schedule to make sure dp is home more and that would give their mom some more peace of mind?

As for scheduling things on his time, SO not okay. SHe can tel him about activities and then you guys have the option of taking them-she cannot tell you dh what to do on his time.

Do you have an actual parenting plan filed with the court?

[CharmedX9]

Thank you all for some great responses! I do keep everything in email to back us up in case we ever need it. I think the thing that has caused her to change is that she just went through a domestic violence issue with her current boyfriend (and father of her two year old). Since then she has been getting really wierd about things. She has already schedled the boys' whole summer without asking my husband including on our parenting time days and has been violating the current court ordered parenting time. We are going to court tomorrow to file a modification of the parenting time. In Oregon, the parenting time includes the Father's family... the only stipulation being that if daycare were needed for more than two hours. At that point first option should be given to the other parent, including step parents. The step parent option is expressly written in his divorce decree. He is discussing the papers we are filing with her right now and hopefully she will see that this is really the best for the boys.... We will see though, I am not real hopeful that she will come around any time soon. I will keep you all posted.

Thanks!

P.S. Nope I didn't get mad about any of your responses...I am a logical person who can indeed see the other persons side. I have been in both sets of shoes...a bioparent and a step parent. While I do understand her position, I just do not feel that it is the best for the boys in the long run.

[Smithie]

It sounds like the law is on your dh's side in your state, so going to court is probably the right move if she's not respecting the existing custody order.

I wouldn't care to drop my kids off to spend time with a stepmom and step siblings either. I wouldn't care to have them picked up by anybody but my ex. But I'd certainly adhere to anything plainly stated in my custody agreement, and would expect my ex to do the same.

It sounds like you guys need to usher in a new expectation that the agreement will be followed - starting with whatever she has planned out for the summer. If your ex was not given right of first refusal for camps, etc that take up more than 2 hours/day, he needs to insist on it. Fight the fight this year to avoid it during future summers, school holidays etc. Since he works weekends, that time could be extremely valuable for him and his son. Mom doesn't get to reserve it for other activities without his consent. If possible, it would be great to specifically address this issue in your modification.

[CharmedX9]

Great news! While we were on our way up to court today to file papers, my hubby and his ex worked out a plan that works for everybody. She is willing to have it put on paper and filed with the appropriate agency so we will do that this week instead of being forced to battle it out in court. This will be much better for the boys...and everyone else too! I think that once things settle out a bit we will all be able to go back to family organized events and all of those other things that we used to do together for the sake of the kids. The new schedule starts tomorrow so I am very excited to have more time with the little boys that I can count on to do things with them!

[Smithie]

Hurray!

[waterproofmascara]

Glad it worked out well!