4.5 yo and transition drama

[SweetPotato]

My dd has really become the little socialite, which is great-- but EVERY time we need to go home/come inside from playing with friends she makes a HUGE scene. Sometimes she'll quickly move past it once we're in the car or some such, but sometimes she'll stand at the window at scream and cry (and sometimes throw things- yippee) because she wants to stay out with the neighbors. It's really driving me batty. I feel like we've tried all sorts of things- warnings, no warnings, giving her a digital watch so she can come in herself without being "told" to. Please-- suggestions. We have so much fun with friends, but I've really come to hesitate about saying "yes" to start with because I KNOW it'll end with a huge fit, and sometimes I just don't feel like I have the stamina to deal with it without just getting p***ed off myself. Need help in helping her cope with the disappointment of the fun having to come to an end.

[claras_mom]

With us, what sort of works has been lots and lots of patient talking ahead of time about "not making big fusses" when it's time to go. Got caught off-guard recently because we hadn't been having play dates since her bff moved away so didn't have the talk. Ending up tracking her through a new friend's multi-level house trying to get to a point where I could "talk her down" enough to get out of there. Not pretty. <sigh>

As I've gotten to know those parents better, I've discovered that her friend has been known to pull the same kind of thing, which makes me feel better, but that's sort of beside the point.

Constant assurances that with reasonable behavior, play dates can continue seems also to help.

[claras_mom]

Oh, and I think dd's triggers are being tired and hungry. (d'uh) The negative behavior seems to continue longer when she's passed some critical point in one or both of those things, in which case the main thing I try to do is get her calmed down enough to feed her a snack. We don't try to talk about what's going on in the heat of it.

I will say that now that she's almost 5.5, things are really getting better just generally. She's getting better at dealing with all transitions, not just the stopping play ones.

[Tigerchild]

I learned how to detach, and just get her out of there. No cajoling. After a certain point, no sympathy either. I would show up 15 minutes early to chat with the other parent, give her a 15, 10, and then 5 minute reminder--and then it was put on your shoes and go time. If she refused shoes, I would pick them up, take her by the arm, and out we would go. She could scream all she wanted, I would say thank you and good bye politely, and just detach from embarassment. If I had to drag her out from under a bed or under a stairwell (had to do boh), so be it.

I guess it helps that I may be fat, but I'm strong.

For DD, trying to convince her or oozing sympathy frankly just escalated things. Eventually she outgrew it. If she went to someone new's house I would explain to the mom ahead of time what might happen (as she got older, it got less than less) and how I coped with it, so that she would not freak out over it. I think that's why DD kept on getting invited back to places.

It didn't disappear totally until DD felt social sanction from her peers over tantrums, and she was cognitively capable of understanding "If you make life difficult for me to collect you after a playdate, then honestly I won't really feel like driving you to one in the first place." For DD, that was about 6.5ish.